


Always Yours

by midknightniall



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 18-Year-Old Niall, A Lot of Referenced Music, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Australia, California, Childhood Friends, College, Coming of Age, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Dirty Talk, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Falling In Love, Family, First Time, Fluff, Fun & Carefree, Growing Up Together, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Jealous Niall, Kissing, Loss of Virginity, Love, Music, Neighbors, Orgasm, Partying, Passionate Sex, Possessive Behavior, Public Sex, References to Drugs, Relationship Problems, Relationship(s), Road Trips, Romance, Summer, Summer Love, Underage Drinking, Unsafe Sex, from enemies to lovers, learning how to love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-05-01 20:22:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 108,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5219528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midknightniall/pseuds/midknightniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summer's barely started for the almost new couple, and they don't think it can get any better than being together. However, the reality of life is only around the corner and they never expected that keeping a relationship healthy would be this difficult. It's up to the former enemies should they decide to work it all out or lose their happily ever after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There is definitely something significant about Niall Horan. From the tips of his unnatural blond hair to the bottom of his feet, and to the inside of his mind and everything scientific that created him, there is something. Of course, that thing is indescribable for it is all around abstract in every aspect. And I'm not exactly sure what that thing is either. 

All that really matters, I suppose, is that he's aware of it. To carry something that fascinating and not know about it would purely be a waste, wouldn't it? At least I think so.

Niall really is just something else.

If you ask anyone what he's like, all they'll tell you is that he's simply just a carefree and silly boy. However if you ask _me_ , you'll most likely regret you even asked in the first place. I can blabber on about him for ages, and excuse me for that, but describing Niall isn't something you can accomplish with a few words. Spare the time to know everything about him and your life could be changed for the better.

Or, I'm just the girlfriend who's hopelessly in love with him. What can I say? It's true. I refuse to be embarrassed about something that makes me feel this inhumanely happy.

I really owe it all to him. He never completely gave up on me. He held all of this will inside of that lanky, skinny pale body of his and held on for dear life.

Although, okay, yeah, he was sort of an asshole towards the end of pursuing me since he basically ignored me for days on end, but I could also be accounted for that behavior. I'll admit, I was terribly oblivious to every clue he'd given me about how he felt, _and/or_ I wholeheartedly chose not to accept the truth when I did realize it.

I was blindly hung up on someone else at the time, and Niall did _not_ help himself by encouraging a bunch of plans to make said someone else fall in love with me. Those plans backfired for the most part, but that's a long story. All of that's ended now, along with the school year that held all of that emotional non-sense.

Summer began merely a week ago, meaning Niall and I have officially been dating for almost seven months. In reality, it doesn't feel like it, as we had both been heavily occupied with big exams rather than our relationship. 

Sure, we made time to hang out in between the studying for it was more than convenient, as he lived directly next door. Yet the ACT and the SAT—more like the exams from hell—still forced us to put our relationship to a pause. Which, obviously, sucked a whole lot.

Whoever said that junior year was the hardest year of high school, props to you, because you definitely knew what you were talking about.

All in all, it certainly doesn't feel like Niall and I have been romantically involved for that many months. Though, we have been a part of each other's lives before we'd even taken our first steps as infants. His parents had moved in to the empty house next to mine, and his mom and mine were both coincidentally pregnant. Niall calls it fate, but I don't really think we were destined the moment our mothers met.

My mom tells me that her and his mother hit it off pretty quickly, what with all the similar aches and pains of carrying literal human beings inside of their wombs. After we were born, Niall and I automatically became friends, thanks to our mothers. They set up playdates for us nearly every day.

I hated Niall then.

We got along when were younger, yeah, clearly as we were infants who could barely speak a few literate words. However, up until the age of when I could actually think rationally for myself—I'd say about, 4 years old—I had concluded that Niall and I were mortal enemies. 

I didn't think that up for no legitimate reason either, as Niall had given me several reasons to resent him with such intensity. He'd always do things to me that I _swear_ , he did purposefully just to get a laugh out of.

Thus, after elementary school, we stopped being close altogether. I still saw him almost every day because I had to, I mean, he lives literally only a few steps away! 

I can remember begging my mom to move houses just because of how much I hated him, but she told me that that wasn't a good enough reason, so we stayed. I'm grateful that she didn't listen to me on that one.

Anyway, high school came, and we blossomed into teenagers with actual maturity. Or, at least I thought we did. Niall was still the same Niall I knew from our elementary years, which didn't completely surprise me.

Then after freshman year, something must've clicked inside of him, for he finally grew up and began to act his age. He obtained a brand new _spanking_ car, lived independently on his own, and eased into being more thoughtful about life rather than not caring at all. 

I think his parents going away on business kind of forced that transition in his character. The thought of how he had to learn to become a man that way doesn't exactly settle something good inside of me, but. That's a story for another day.

Somehow, junior year suddenly brought us together again. I still hated him and I thought he hated me, so we were based on a strange friendship for the time being. 

He knew of my long time fondness of Harry Styles, a highly-liked boy at our school. I had a crush on him since I stepped foot into freshman year, and it wasn't until years later that something finally happened between him and I.

All thanks to—you guessed it—Niall. He created several plans to help Harry fall towards my way, to this day that I still don't know the reasons why for; however, Harry never fell into the plans and Niall ended up stealing my first kiss. Obviously, I was angry, but that was only the beginning of many, many happenings that eventually made me see Niall in a completely different light.

Homecoming night many months ago, I was beginning the special night with Harry Styles at my side. Then, as cliché sounding as any high school film it may be, I ditched that unfortunate handsome boy and ran, ran as fast as my feet could take me to Niall Horan. He had confessed his feelings for me just hours before, and something about it caused a realization to hit me. 

Except, I had realized it a little too late.

The world stopped, save for my quick feet as I searched the school for the boy I concluded was the one whom I truly loved. I was filled with so many emotions in that small amount of time, and I wasn't even sure if I was doing the right thing, but I went anyway because I had never felt so sure in my life.

Luckily, I did find the sad blond boy and we made (kissed, if you may) up, and anything after that was considered happily ever after.

Only, it isn't. There is so much more to be told after the supposed happy ending, but Hollywood doesn't usually choose to reveal those parts. I mean, I get it, who doesn't like a happy ending?

I'm not saying that this story is going down the opposite way, but I _am_ saying that there is so much more after the kiss at the end. 

Where do the couples go afterwards, what do they do, and how long are they happy for? Does Cinderella learn about her prince's true qualities and remain with him? If she does, is she happy?

A happy ending doesn't necessarily mean that everything after the kiss is eternal bliss. Conflicts will arise and it's up to the characters should they decide to keep going down the lane to happily ever after.

That is where we stand at the moment, as Niall's biggest problem in this relationship is getting me out of bed every waking morning. His liking of getting up early is one thing we do not share mutually, and it's become a struggle for him. 

With the advantage of living right next door, he always comes over before the sun has the chance to rise and enters my room, expecting to be greeted with a good morning kiss. Except that is definitely not going to happen because 1) morning breath is the nastiest thing under rotten eggs and other godforsaken smelly things, and that is something I will not have my boyfriend experience, _ever_ , and 2) I'm still sleeping.

"Princess," Niall whispers into the blanket that I have purposefully draped over my whole body, including my face, to which I had hoped would drive him away and let me sleep. 

And, yeah, he calls me princess. He created it long before our relationship just to annoy me; circa the time period when we hated each other, but I've grown to like it.

I groan and attempt to ignore him, but he doesn't give up so easily.

"RISE AND SHINE, YOUR HIGHNESS!" He shouts, pulling the blanket halfway off my body.

I'm then faced with rotten blue eyes and a big content smile on his pale face. 

Niall looks refreshed and well-slept, which makes me wonder how that happens when he most likely has less than 7 hours of sleep each night. It's like his body rejuvenates on its own, never failing to carry all the energy in the world.

My expression isn't very friendly. My body is now missing half the heat I had and my ears were not prepared for such a loud shout, having only awoken. And I'm very, very tired.

"Niall, please." I whine, staring at the blanket he's holding towards the ceiling. "Give that back."

I give him these puppy eyes that almost always work, but apparently not this morning. He's smirking and I know that today, he's determined.

"I can't, because then you'll wrap yourself up in a cocoon and pretend that you're dead," He explains. "I want you to wake up."

"I am awake," I deadpan.

His eyes droop, "Please?"

I sigh, looking into his eyes that are sparkling with deep wanting of my conformity. They're so blue and longing, and he's beautiful and everything that's lovely, but he needs to understand that I need a few more hours of sleep.

"Summer's barely started and I'd like to get back the sleep I lost for a whole year, thank you." I tell him, and he chuckles to himself.

It seems like he's given up, but then he's still holding the blanket and we're still longingly staring at each other.

He's either planning to tickle me awake like any other morning, or insanely drag me out of bed and force me to get up. I'm not sure what he's planning this time, but I know he's up to something.

He sighs and takes a seat on the edge of the bed beside where I'm lying. He's looking down at me and I narrow my eyebrows, waiting patiently for his next move.

"Remember homecoming night, when you ran to me because you chose me instead of Harry, and then I drove you to the middle of the forest and we watched the stars?" He begins. "And then we talked until midnight about how we were going to make the best out of this summer?"

I squeeze my eyes and grin, laughing internally. He chose the sweet and sappy ploy this morning, a new weapon, I see. Impressive.

"Niall..."

"What happened to that?" He asks, and I exhale a very big breath—away from his face, of course—and sit up in bed. 

I look at him for a very long moment, while his eyes throw puppies at me and I can't help but give in. My arms find their way to his neck and I pull him in, hugging him into me and I instantly feel his warmth.

"You are such an ass." I mutter, but then he starts to laugh and so do I.

He's not the only one with the secret weapons, for I wrap my legs around his body and succeed to pulling him in the bed. I keep myself wrapped around him like a koala bear so he can't make any moves to escape, and sooner than he's probably expected, he's lying in the bed and I'm cuddled comfortably in his chest.

"What're you doing?" He asks, laughing nervously.

"You took away my blanket so now you're the replacement," I answer, closing my eyes and preparing to fall back to slumber. This is much more comfortable than the blanket anyway. "Goodnight, Niall."

To my surprise, he lies still, snaking his arms around me as well and moving his head to lay properly on the pillow. He's quiet for long beats of time, and then finally he says, "Fine."

And it's not a sarcastic or an irritated _fine_ , but a gentle one that tells me _alright, I like you and you want to sleep so I'll lay here and let you do just that._

I smirk into his chest, stating that I have won this morning, but he'd never know since he couldn't see my face. 

He rubs my back slowly and calmly, and time passes so fast that the last thing I feel is his comforting body and my eyes drifting me away, my mind returning to a dream.

...

Niall makes it his goal to spend as much time as we can together during the limited time we have for the summer, _to make up for lost time from all the busy exam studying_ , he says. But the thing he doesn't understand is even when he wasn't around, I was with him at heart.

He's everywhere even when he's not.

Unconsciously, he'd be in my dreams, always there and all over elsewhere. It's like my mind can't last one second without making him relevant, and I don't really care for it, but _Jesus_ , am I that enamored with him?

It's honestly all new to me, this concept of a romantic love and the sincerity that it brings with it.

As cheesy as it may sound, I don't think I completely understood the definition of a romantic love until Niall became the main part of mine. I don't think I understood the word this well—almost enough to know every angle and rendition there was to the emotion—until Niall happened.

 _Love_ has definitely become the most fascinating thing I've ever had the privilege to discover. All thanks to Niall.

Seeing that I've never had such a serious relationship before, I'm now learning many things through the time Niall and I share together, as the same goes for him. We come to learn the good elements that love can bring if you let it. And it's magical, this love, and almost impossible to believe.

Obviously, since love isn't perfect, it still has its flaws. These flaws are required to prove the emotion has any feeling at all. Niall and I would every so often experience those obstacles that the flaws may construct and they teach us how to go over them if they so happen to run into us again.

Jealousy, of course, is a major fault in a relationship and it's something we've unintentionally faced several times.

As I'd mentioned before, I had a long time liking of Harry Styles, the boy who Niall developed plans for to finally notice me. 

I don't know why Niall tortured himself that way; however, I can understand, since I never would've made a move on Harry myself, and Niall consistently puts my happiness before his own.

Niall has nothing to worry about anymore though. I've already realized that Harry wasn't the one for me, and that my liking for him was just a big fat infatuation.

Of course, as we all attend the same school, I would not completely forget about Harry so quickly. He's always roaming around the halls and is well-liked by everybody, so it's difficult to forget that he existed and that I once had feelings for him. 

This was unfortunate for Niall, who flinches at the sight of Harry scarcely walking by or the bare mention of his name.

My best friend's boyfriend is close friends with him as well, which makes it the harder to avoid accidental meetings with the curly-haired boy.

A month after homecoming last year, Cady—my said best friend—came over to my house one evening, as she always does, with Liam trailing right beside her. And, well. Harry was trailing behind Liam.

Niall was occupied in my kitchen when the three walked into my front door, and right as I finished greeting my friends and realized Harry was right in front of me—Cady's face apologetic, and my expression a mess of surprise and awkward tautness, my eyes connected to Harry's—Niall enters just then and sees everything.

"Ah, the curls make an appearance at last," Niall says, the perturbed tone in his voice evident.

I swiftly turn and look at Niall, realizing he's walked in. He's refusing to look at me, his eyes concentrated solely on Harry. I look at Cady, and she mouths _sorry it's a long story_ , and I can only remain blank-faced because I'm not really sure how to react. Liam bites his bottom lip.

"Yes, hello again Niall," Harry replies, closing the door behind him and remaining his ground, as if he doesn't know if he's allowed to come any further inside. He looks at me, "Kaya, hi."

I just politely smile at him.

It's then that Niall comes round from behind and puts his arm over my neck, and I grasp the situation; Harry's barely said two words to me and already, the green devil was appearing out of Niall's inner personality. 

This was the first time it had appeared so boldly and I couldn't help but feel something good tingle inside of me.

"Um, obviously I'm not welcome here—" Harry starts, before Niall interjects with a scoff.

Harry clears his throat and continues, "But I overheard that Liam was joining Cady to Kaya's house and I needed to talk to her, desperately." He turns to me, "You've been avoiding me—my texts, calls, everything, so I had no other choice."

Okay, yeah, that was true. I didn't know how to face Harry after ditching him at the homecoming dance, so I felt embarrassed and flustered. I wasn't sure what the right words were to say to him, if there was any.

"I only want to talk to Kaya if that's okay with you, Niall." Harry explains sincerely.

Niall hesitates before he replies, "I'm not her father, I don't get a say with who she wants to talk to," He looks at me and I realize the blue in his eyes are vague, replaced with the unsettling color of a sea after a heavy storm. "Go ahead, talk to him if you want."

Sometimes Niall hides messages in the things he says—I've learned this, or mastered it, more like—and you'd know it by the way his words transpired through a certain tone and the movement of his eyes. His pupils would look directly at you, yes, but they weren't really looking at _you_. You would know when he did it.

And at this moment, Niall is doing just so.

Cady and Liam are watching from a short distance, and the fraught tension between Niall and Harry is making me feel suffocated.

"Okay," I say, gazing at the floor. "Let's have a chat, shall we Harry?" I walk towards him, and Harry nods while opening the front door and letting me out first.

I don't make the effort to look back at Niall, for fear that his eyes have turned a fiery green. I love the happy, iridescent blue ones better.

I'm not sure what was so secretive that Harry had to bring me out of the house for—away from my friends and boyfriend—but I oblige anyway and follow Harry to my front yard. 

He chooses to stand under the only tree that's there, a tree I've grown up with since I was born but never cared enough to learn the name of.

Harry's watching me, I know, and it would be romantic as the soft wind carries my hair into the breeze _if_ I still liked him. But I don't. I hope he isn't expecting anything different.

"Hey, I'm sorry I showed up at your house without notice. That must be creepy... or something." He begins, and I can tell he's trying his best to be nonchalant.

I shrug, "It's fine."

"Cool," He pauses, takes a breath, and then continues. "You know, I can tell you're uncomfortable. I always can. And I know you've been avoiding me because of what happened, but it's alright. I'm not mad at you, Kaya. I knew it was him all along."

It still takes me by surprise when he tells me that. He said it the minute the night I told him I had to leave him for Niall, and now he's saying it again.

"Then why?" I start. "Why did you still take me out and ask me to homecoming, and everything else?"

"Easy. You liked me and I was starting to like you. That's all there was to it." He explains, looking up towards the branches of the tree. The leaves flowed with the wind and made a rustling noise.

"Oh."

"I mean, I didn't know in the beginning, but then Niall came around all. the. freaking. time!" He concedes, and I laugh responsively.

"Don't worry, I know that one too well." And I did. Niall was my biggest problem in path to Harry last year. Niall was always there whenever I had the chance to be alone with Harry and it irritated the living hell out of me.

"Yeah, and you guys were always together and it wasn't too hard to notice that there was something there. I wasn't going to say anything until you did, because honestly, I thought I could steer you away from him. But I can't really compete with that, can I?" He laughs wholeheartedly. "But don't worry, I'm not planning to get in between you two anytime soon."

I watch a bird land on the branch right behind Harry, its small brown head jittering every which way. I don't say anything about the animal, for I don't really think it's relevant, except that it was literally right behind him.

"That's good to hear, Harry." I say, feeling a sense of relief to say his name for the first time without feeling anything but nothing.

The curly-haired boy I once used to watch every day for three years was smiling at me with twinkly eyes and I feel absolutely no attraction. It's a strange feeling—to feel nothing about the person you once thought was your everything.

"Yeah, so I better wrap this up because Niall's probably counting our minutes," He jokes and then laughs.

I shake my head and join his laughter. "Don't worry about him, he's just being Niall. Don't let him intimidate you."

"It's all good. I can understand why he hates me," Harry smiles with closed lips. "It can't be helped."

The boy then turns around slowly, his back facing me and I'm perplexed with his action until I realize the same bird I saw earlier is still perched on the low branch. 

Harry calmly extends his hands to the harmless creature, attempting as best as he possibly can not to frighten it.

"Aw, I thought I heard chirping from behind me. How cute." He speaks, and I'm not exactly sure if that was directed to me or the animal, but I beam anyway.

Harry's always been a good person. I argued this thought with Niall almost every day before we romantically got together, as he hates Harry with a passion that I can only understand as envy. 

I've been told negative things about Harry from Niall, but how can those things be true when Harry's here, willingly talking to a bird? I don't think Niall truly knows Harry's character.

The bird sings to Harry for a long moment until it decides that it's time to go, and Harry rotates back to me as the creature flies away into the cloudy sky.

"Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you knew all that. And that I hoped we could be friends, because I honestly like your company." Harry says, goodwill and kindness filling each and every hole in his voice.

"Thank you. I hope we can be, too." I respond with utmost sincerity. 

I now feel regret for ignoring him for so many weeks. I'd clear out his messages without even reading them, declined all his phone calls, and refused to walk the halls at school where I knew he usually took. And now here he is, calling for a genuine friendship.

He bites his bottom lip, looking back at the house behind me. I know he's concerned about Niall.

"I know you're saying this now, but actually talk to me, yeah? Text me and all that other jazz!" He adds, and I nod and chuckle, to show him that he needn't worry.

"Fine, fine, really I will."

"Good," He says, frowning. "I should go. Niall might combust if he sees me again."

"No," I interject, chuckling at his statement. "You should come in and join us, Liam's your friend and it'd be unfair for you to just leave him. I know he's got Cady, but still. Just like when we went to the beach all together, remember? They were good times. And ignore Niall if he makes any remarks towards you, he's always that childish."

Harry nods, his smile full of delight. "Okay, if you say so."

I smile back at him.

Together, we walk back into my house while Harry presents me with more of his unfunny jokes. I laugh anyway.

As soon as we're back inside, I secretly seek for a head of blond hair first. I don't see him, only recognizing Cady and Liam sitting casually in my living room. Harry joins them and I signal Cady with a simple eye movement. She catches it and jumps out of Liam's arms, following me to the empty kitchen.

"Where's Niall?" I ask her, reaching in my refrigerator for drinks.

Cady rests her back on the counter, brows set with confusion. "Dunno, he disappeared when you did." She pauses. "What'd Harry say to you? I know that was uncalled for, but he kept begging me to let him come and I couldn't say no."

"It's fine," I sigh, concerned about my vanished boyfriend. "We just sorted things out is all. Decided to stay as good friends. I'm glad."

"Oh, that's good." Cady agreed, grabbing a can of Dr. Pepper that I give to her. Laughter comes from the living room and Cady makes a face, "I'm gonna go back to those two. You go find Niall."

"Alright, here," I give her two cans of soda to give to the boys. "I'll catch up with you guys in a minute."

Cady takes the drinks and goes, and I patter my fingers on the kitchen counter. I gaze at the floor as several thoughts fill my head, and then I tread towards the hallway where my bedroom is located. 

I call out Niall's name as I approach the narrow hall and arrive in my room, where I had earlier assumed Niall was confining himself in.

I was correct.

My boyfriend is laying on my bed, a remote in his hand as he points it at my TV and switches over channels. 

He doesn't notice that someone's walked in, his mind clearly focused on other things rather than the television. I tap behind me, making silent knocks on my wooden door.

Niall instantly perks his head towards me.

"Hi," I say. "D'ya wanna come join us?"

He continues flicking through channels. "Nah, it's fine. Go hang out with your friends, I'm good here."

I fold my lips together tightly. "Niall, really?"

"What?" He continues to gaze at the TV screen.

"Nothing. Enjoy yourself then."

He doesn't reply, so I turn around and jaunt back to the living room.

It doesn't really faze me, it doesn't, as I know that I can't force him to become friends with mine. I just feel strange spending time with other people when I know Niall's right there. I feel like I'm obligated to keep him company. 

However, he's most likely still scathing over Harry's presence and that is something I don't feel like dealing with as of the moment.

I enter the living room and without delay, Liam, Cady, and Harry notice my return.

"Is everything alright?" Liam asks, his head barely visible over Cady's shoulder. She's sitting on his lap.

"Yeah," I nod. "Nothing to worry about." I say that, but it's obvious that they can read what's going through my mind. Gladly, no one chooses to ask about it.

Harry sinks in his seat, farther away on the sofa from the couple. "Thank the Lord, please save me from this _God_ awful pair. I hate third wheeling."

We all laugh in response, Liam reaching over to smack Harry's cheek. In fun, of course.

"Trust me, I know how it feels." I cackle, taking a seat in between the couple and Harry, making sure to keep the space betwixt Harry and I a reasonable friendly amount.

Nothing really exciting happens that evening, for all we did was waste time watching TV and chattering. 

I laugh with Harry, Liam, and Cady, but Niall still sits in the back of my head like an insect refusing to go away. He usually comes over to mine since no one else lived in the empty spaces of his house, and we just did life, whereas today happened to be a day Cady decided to come hang out.

...And bring Harry along with her. Liam was already included wherever she went, it was a package deal.

The sun has gone down by the time they think fit to leave, and I bid goodbyes to Liam and Cady, whilst Harry remains at the door for a longer moment.

"Text me back when I text you later, promise?" Harry simpers, holding the door with his foot and his hand on the doorknob.

I scoff, "Of course."

"Alright, see you later then, Kaya." 

I say bye in return, watching the tall boy run to Liam's car and jump into the back. Cady waves at me from the front passenger seat, and when they begin to head out of my driveway, I close the front door.

The TV in the living room is the only sound to be heard, the house seemingly barren and quiet. 

I check the time; my mom will be home from work in a few hours. I blow a strand of hair that's gotten stuck in my lips and initiate my short journey to my bedroom, my steps silent on the hard floor.

Niall is still in my bed, chin propped on his hand and his eyes gazing at the TV screen. His eyes are drooping and he looks like he could fall asleep any second.

"Niall," My voice sounds almost like a whisper.

"Hey." Niall replies, widening his eyes to attempt waking himself up. 

I hop on to the bed beside him, positioning my body to parallel his posture, with my face mere inches away from his. I look at him deeply. He looks cozy and lethargic.

"You okay?" I ask.

He turns the TV off and looks at me, "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Never mind then."

"Mmm." Niall hums. His eyes cut contact from mine and land on a piece of string coming off his shirt. He twiddles it around his fingers. "What'd you guys talk about?"

I shrug, "Stuff that doesn't really matter. Cady and I mostly talked about—"

"No, you and Harry." Niall interjects. 

 _Oh_.

My expression falters. "That doesn't matter either. We really just had the conversation I'd been avoiding since I left him. We decided to be friends."

"That's great." Niall mutters, his voice faint.

I lay there for a minute, staring at Niall's eyelashes as they fluttered when he blinked. He's still playing with that piece of string on his shirt, so I grab it and pull it out, ending its unfortunate misery. Niall jumps.

"Hey! What'd you do that for?"

I burst into laughter, throwing the string in the air and then inching closer to Niall. 

"You... you're jealous aren't you?" I rub my lips together, a devilish grin taking form.

Niall still looks to the place where the string had been on his shirt. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Just admit it!" I gush. "It's the first time you've ever gotten jealous, so I think it's cute, alright? I'm not mad!"

Blue eyes finally meet mine. He pouts his lips first, but then he slyly smiles and I can tell he's trying his best not to. 

"Fine," He mumbles. "I am."

Butterflies hatch from their non-existent cocoons in my stomach.

"Aww, Niall!" I tease, cupping his cheek in my hand.

"Stop, it's not funny." He mumbles like an embarrassed child, causing me to giggle even more.

I push my thumb gently on his chin, "Okay, but you have nothing to worry about, so why so serious?"

"Because!" He bellows. "That's Harry we're talking about. You've basically liked him since forever! You've liked him longer than you've liked me."

"Wow, really, Niall. That's what's bothering you?" I say, carefully looking directly into his irises. "You may have loved me first but I will love you longer."

Niall then widens his eyes and explodes into a mess of laughter. I can't help but chuckle to myself too.

My blue-eyed boy is now genuinely smiling and I know I've succeeded. 

But he's still laughing. "That may have been the cheesiest thing you've ever said to me!" 

I laugh too, but a few minutes later, he doesn't stop.

"Alright alright," I say. "I was being serious, Niall."

His laughter subsides thereafter. He bites his lip to control the smile that's trying to creep back on his face, and then he shakes his head. "That was sweet, but it's wrong, you know." I give him odd eyes. "You will not love me longer than I will you."

 _Huh_. "How do you know that?"

He gives me these narrowed eyes that are asking me _really?_ I raise my brows at him in response.

"I just know." He eventually says.

I scoff and roll my eyes. Niall grins and places his hand on my stomach, resting it there as he usually does for no reason. I put my hand over his hand and rub it gently. 

It's nice, for a few minutes, but then the weight on my abdomen makes me realize that I haven't eaten and I suddenly feel awfully hungry.

"I'm hungry," I mutter.

Niall forms the hand on my stomach into claws and closes his fingers, making me squeal from my disadvantage of being easily ticklish. "Ha," He laughs. "You're my girlfriend for sure."

"Yup," I proudly say. "Let's order Chinese."

"Oh, _of course_." Niall cackles, and I scowl.

"Why'd you say it like that? Chinese is amazing."

"Yes, my dear princess, Chinese _is_ amazing."

I smile humorously at him and he does the same back. 

Next thing I know, we're back to the traditional eye fighting on who was compelled to call in and make our order. I win and Niall grunts but he calls for us anyway.

Everything after that was a night of sweet and sour chicken and _How I Met Your Mother_ on Netflix, as this was a day I remember solely for the reason of Niall's first envious episode. This all occurred last year, a month after we had started dating.

So of course, now that we're onto several months later, there had been other envious episodes. 

It was never just Niall, for I had times when I grew green horns for girls who'd flirt with him wherever. He's hot, I get it, but I wasn't going to let someone throw themselves at the boy I claimed as mine. 

I'm not overly crazy as he is on jealousy though, as he's had more episodes than me to count.

However, we've learned that trusting each other plays a huge part in the matter. Over time, the jealousy lessened, except well. Harry's still an issue to Niall, but we'll get back to that subject later. 

It's been a while since Harry and I decided to become friends, and in between those seven months, things have happened. Not bad things, of course.

Anyway, when I finally wake up, I turn my head to look for a person beside me on the bed. Niall is still there, sending a big wave of relief to wash over me. 

I glance at the digital clock on my nightstand, realizing that it isn't 7 AM anymore and four hours have passed. _Crap_.

Poor Niall. There goes a morning from our beloved summer.

I look back at him again. He hasn't perceived that I've awoken. I focus my vision to the phone he's holding, my eyes clearing out a screen filled with colored candies. He's playing Candy Crush.

"Good morning," I say, my voice coming out quiet.

Niall instantly turns his head over to me, a big smile developing slowly on his lips, "Fucking finally."

I sit up in bed just enough to smack his forehead in a joking manner, and he sounds out a fake cry. "A good morning it is, then." I respond to myself.

"I woke you up four hours ago! Four hours!" He exclaims. "How the hell can you sleep that much? Whatever. I'm so hungry I'll probably die. I came over earlier expecting to have you eat with me but now it's four. fucking. hours. later, Kaya."

"I'm sorry, okay! I like to sleep, I can't help it!" I laugh, squeezing myself into the pillow and blankets. 

God, I'm so comfortable I don't know if I even want to leave the bed.

Niall knows about it. " _No,_ " He snarls. "You are getting out of bed right now and we are going to eat and then do cute couple stuff and have the greatest fucking summer we've ever had."

"Gee, you sure like the F word when you're hungry." I remark.

"I fucking know."

I shake my head and sigh, sitting up in bed. I yawn and stretch myself out, my arms extending towards infinity. 

Niall hops from the bed in one jump, his body already standing upright and ready to go. I stare at him from the bed and droop my eyes, still slowly waking myself up. 

I wish I had his energy. I honestly don't know where he gets it all from.

"Come." He reaches his hand to me, wanting to help me out of the bed faster than I was capable of currently doing. I take it.

"Okay, I'm going." I reassure him, giving my hand. "Let's go eat, you hungry head of cheese."

Niall laughs while shaking his head. 

He helps me out of bed and I drag my tired self, groaning for the heaven of clouds that is my mattress. 

If Niall hadn't come, I most likely would have been in bed the entire day. At least, that's how my summer days used to go, up until Niall commutated it.

Frankly, I've done an abundance of things I never would've because of him. The power of the one and _only_ Niall Horan everyone.

Caught by surprise, I shout, my yelp transitioning into laughter as Niall picks me up and puts me on his back. I connect my hands around his neck to secure my place and he holds me up by my legs.

"On to breakfast and the most fucking amazing summer we'll ever have!" He yells, running out of my bedroom and into the hallway. 

He takes the both of us in circles in relatively every space of my house, and the only thing I bother to hear is the elated sound of our combined laughter.

I'm happy and he's happy. It's already a great summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if anyone will actually read this, but I'm going to try posting it here because I'm quite fond of this website. If someone is reading, I hope you liked this! This is actually a sequel to a book I've already written but it's cringe-worthy so I don't know if I want to present myself with that on here. But alas, I made it so that new readers do not need to have read the first book. If you enjoyed this, please leave a kudo or comment if you'd like! :)


	2. Chapter 2

If I remember correctly, Niall's parents were decently kind people. I know for sure that they were fond of me, for Niall and I were always spending time together when we were younger. His mom would consistently give me these sugar cookies that she loved to make and I loved to eat them. I miss those sugar cookies more than anything, but I stopped receiving those once I entered middle school and started becoming distant with Niall. 

By now, I've forgotten what they tasted like, along with the faces of his parents.

Niall won't admit it, but I know his parents have always troubled something deep inside of him. He's mad at them—resentful that they up and abandoned him at such a young age, but I'm positive that above all the indignant madness, he misses them. He just won't say it. 

Niall's largely the type of person who learns to hide his negative emotions so he won't worry people around him. I wish he didn't do that, because it results in him bottling everything up and smiling like nothing's wrong when in reality, there's everything.

His folks call every now and then to check up on him, puts money in his bank account to make certain that he's living comfortably. Except that's not enough. They're not here to be the supporting adults that Niall needs. 

His house is wistfully empty and desolate, built for a whole family but only being settled by one person. It's why Niall's regularly over at my place—my mom doesn't mind, she loves Niall like he's her own; I don't mind either, since he's my boyfriend and I love spending all the time in the world with him. 

However, the thought of him being alone in terms of family still bothers me.

Anyway, Niall's parents left once high school started, flying far and away to Australia, which was more than thousands of miles away. The pair were some sort of accountants or other, and they were requested well paid jobs in the distant country. 

I don't know enough details to get into the matter. Niall doesn't ever like to talk about it, which is why it surprises me when he brings the topic up one evening.

"It really sucks, you know, that my parents aren't here." Niall says, his voice replete with affliction. "I want them to meet you. As my girlfriend, I mean."

Niall's living room TV flickers a soccer game, the sounds of the crowd cheering faint as our voices overlay their shouting. His sofa is long and wide enough to lay and cuddle on cozily. I can't help but close my eyes as Niall caresses my brown hair, slowly ample to make me want to drift to sleep.

"That's sweet," I respond. "But they already know me, remember? I was their favorite when we were younger."

Niall laughs. He knows I'm kidding. "I mean like... they don't know you as _my_ girlfriend. I could call them and tell them, but it's just not the same. It's like when you know you're serious with someone you love and you want to introduce that special person to your folks. That's why it sucks."

"Ah." I exhale in awe. "Then I'll just pretend it's like that, yeah? It's not something we can help, but I'll take what you want me to feel. I'm grateful that you think me special enough to do that."

"Kaya..." His eyes narrow at me, away from the soccer game, as if he can't tell if I'm serious or not. "Of course I would, you nut."

"Nut?" I laugh. "That's a new one."

Niall rolls his eyes, chuckles, then reverts his perception back to the game. "My special nut."

"Anyway, about your parents," I begin, taking the opportunity to ask as I'd never had the chance to before. Niall doesn't react, just keeps watching the TV. "Do you miss them? I know it's a sensitive topic, but."

His hand pauses their strokes on my head. "Um..." Niall's pupils remove their focus from the TV screen and lands on something non-existent in the air. He sighs. "Yeah, I do."

A moment of silence settles in the air, and I can tell that he's thinking. After finding himself again, he looks at me. "And it's not a sensitive topic if it's you, Kaya. I'll open everything up for you anytime."

I'm glad he said that. "Then... is everything okay? Between you and your parents, I mean."

He nods, eyebrows furrowed. "Oh yeah, of course. You know I talk to them sometimes, just kind of catch up on life and stuff. It's not exactly the relationship I imagined I'd have with them, but things happen, I guess. I do miss the time before high school when they were actually here. But I don't know if I'd go back to live there forever." His hand continues its previous movements on my hair and he leans closer to look at me. "Because God only knows how much you despised me then."

I chuckle. "Okay, hilarious. I didn't hate you _that_ much."

"Liar," He teases. "Do you know how frightening your death glares were whenever you saw me? I swear I had nightmares of you chasing me with a machete!"

"Oh, what the hell!" I retaliate, sitting up on the sofa. "That's your fault! You kept doing things to irritate me, always kept teasing me and calling me names, tattling to my mom and getting me in trouble, and—"

Niall's laughing like crazy, his eyes crinkling. "Alright I get it, I was a little shit. But I was young then, have you never heard of the phrase, _teasing your crush_? I had a big crush on you."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" I proclaim, sitting on Niall's lap and preparing to beat the shit out of him. 

We're both laughing, my hair all over my face from the mess of our tackling behavior when the sound of his doorbell takes us by surprise. We freeze in our spots, Niall and I staring at each other in a confused manner.

"Are you expecting someone?" I ask, and Niall shakes his head.

"Hold on, I'll go see who it is."

Niall lets me off him and I remain sitting on the sofa, guessing mentally who the latent guest could be. Niall's living room is far off from the front door, so I'm left to hear the situation rather than seeing. 

I hear the front door open, as big and heavy as it is, and then a loud boisterous voice pierces through the thin walls.

"NIALLER!"

"TOMMO!" Niall responds, just as enthusiastic.

There's the sound of backs being patted shortly after, Niall fake crying (most likely in Tommo's chest, whoever Tommo may be), and then it's abstrusely quiet. 

I hear footsteps on the wooden floor, a foreign laugh, and Niall laughing back. Their voices are getting closer.

"—Derby County, obviously, you know me. It's been a good game." Niall says as he walks into the room, another figure following suit.

At the moment of eyes meeting, I realize who the person is. He's a young boy with a dark shade of brown hair and cheekbones sharp enough to cut through my curious stare. This shorter boy is Louis Tomlinson, if my memory bears me properly, and he'd been at the beach event that occurred last year. He was a senior then, so I presume he's graduated. A close and good friend of Niall _and_ Harry, or excuse me, of _everybody_. I've always felt like everyone knew who Louis Tomlinson was.

Louis smiles at me instantaneously, catching me off guard as I'd always been intimidated by him for unknown reasons. Just his mere presence sparks something uneasy inside me. "Helloooo Niall's girlfriend, whom I've forgotten the name of and am incredibly sorry."

I beam, returning the favor. "It's okay—"

"That's disappointing Louis," Niall interrupts before I can introduce myself. "I expected you to at least know the name of the girl whose lived _right_ next door to me for the past eighteen years! This isn't the first time you've come over!"

"Fuck off, Horan. I've only known you since middle school!" Louis says, but coughs after a long moment, discovering his fault. "Alright fine, whatever the reasons, it doesn't matter. I'm here now, and your name?" Blue eyes revert back to me.

"Kaya," I answer.

Louis' facial expression rises. "Oh, _Kaya?_ " 

_What's that supposed to mean?_

"Kaya, the one who relentlessly chased after my friend Haz? I'd met you at the arcade with him last year, yeah? And at a party as well?" Louis finishes talking, and I sink in my seat and catch Niall frowning.

"Um..." I hum awkwardly. "Yeah, that's me... but I'm not into Harry anymore, we're just good friends now—"

The TV bursts out with the crowd cheering for the soccer game, and I flick my eyes at Niall who had turned up the volume, the remote in his grasp. I laugh internally, wanting to throw myself at the green monster and tackle him into the sofa. Except I can't, because Louis' right there and I don't think it appropriate. 

Instead, I don't say anything else and I assume Louis has learned to as well, taking a seat at the end of the sofa. Niall lands next to me.

"Alright, let's see how much the Derby Rams are sucking today," Louis states, exhaling a proud laugh in Niall's direction.

"Don't make me kick your ass, Tommo." Niall hisses. "At least not in front of my girlfriend."

Louis and I laugh, Niall shortly joining in. The brown-haired boy pats Niall's knee, "Don't even try, little Nialler. You'll only embarrass yourself."

"Hey, I may be skinny and lanky, but I know how to get stuff done if there need it be."

"You've got the skinny and lanky part correct," Louis teases, resulting to Niall shoving him to the floor.

They begin wrestling and I laugh at the two adolescents, reveling in the lighthearted joy wafting through the room. 

I don't think anything else could've broken them up except for the pealing sound of Niall's phone ringing moments later. Their laughter fades as Louis sighs and gets up from the ground, flipping his disheveled hair to one side and leaping back on the sofa. 

Niall remains on the floor, his phone up to his ear. His expression is evidently nonplussed.

Louis and I sit silently, albeit bemusedly, as Niall gets up and walks out of the room. He's gone before a minute could even pass, the audibility of his front door closing to confirm his absence. 

Louis clears his throat. "His parents, most likely." He articulates, even though I already knew without him having to say it out loud.

"Yeah, we were actually talking about that before you came," I say, realizing Louis' tempestuous expression just then. "I mean, not that you interrupted us or anything, that's not what I'm implying—"

Louis laughs. " _Chill_ , it's fine." He pauses. "Do I scare you? I seem to make that kind of a first impression."

"Just a bit, yeah." I admit.

"I apologize. But don't worry, I'm not devising a plan against you or anything," Louis explains, his eyes crinkling in the most eloquent way. "I like you. You make Niall happy and anything to make that big idiot as happy as you make him gets the best from me."

The shape of Louis' mouth transition down into solemnity. "Besides, I can't remember the last time he's had a serious relationship. He's usually always running around from place to place, and I'd worry about his mentality—especially because he's always been alone. But I assume you've filled that blank space."

"I'd like to think so," I say, engrossing myself into a realm to think about what position I could be accounted for in Niall's mental health. 

Did I fill his lonely state of being or were his parents the only concrete to permeate that void?

"Anyway, I'm glad you're there for him when I'm not, is all I'm saying." Louis continues. "I don't know if you knew, but he was heavily depressed freshman year. The sudden loneliness from his parents leaving took a massive toll on him. His depression got better over time, and I don't think he still has it, but he plasters on that big smile so you wouldn't be able to figure it out anyway. Huge fool, he is." He chuckles.

I stare through Louis, my mind trying its best to grasp the new information. 

I'm mad at myself at the same time, for I never knew anything about Niall's depression. Something that major would never have struck me, coming from such a carefree boy who loved anything and everything. Nothing failed to make him laugh and smile, so I was contemplating just how he could have been saddened to that degree.

Sadness was a rare emotion that Niall openly displayed, if ever. He never failed to have a smile on his face. And if there was one thing that fascinated me as so much as the world, it would truly and undeniably be the way he smiled in the most genuine way.

"Was it bad?" I ask Louis. "Was it to the level that he... you know, considered some particular choices?"

Louis is biting his bottom lip. "Erm... I don't think so, but he never told me that far into it. I barely got as much as I did out of him at that time, so I can't exactly say for sure. I hope to hell not." He leans forward, and I realize he's looking out towards the exit of the living room. "I know you're bound to ask him about this, but don't do it while I'm here, yeah? He'll probably punch me for telling you."

"Of course, in your favor, Louis. Thanks for letting me know."

"No problem, I'd want you to know. And like I said, I'm at ease because of you. Just, let him take care of you, okay? Don't go leaving him behind."

I scoff. "Are you kidding? Never. He'd have to leave me first before I do." At that, Louis chuckles in satisfaction.

The sound of Niall's front door shutting can be heard then, following with heavy and rushed footsteps on the wooden floor. 

The blond boy enters the room wearing a free smile, in the midst of tucking his phone in his basketball shorts. "Mom called, no big deal."

"Ah, the lovely Mrs. Horan. How is she?" Louis inquires, his two hands folded together to a fist on his lap.

Niall returns to the seat between us. He shrugs. "Good, I guess. She sounded well. Dunno."

There's one thing that Niall is absolutely terrible at, and that deplorable thing is acting. He was horrible at it to the exact point on the spindle of the spinning wheel that cursed Sleeping Beauty to sleep eternally. 

So clearly, Louis and I can read through Niall's anxious fingernail biting that there is something more to his mom's _no big deal_. However, Louis and I know Niall enough that with this kind of matter, it was best not to ask unless Niall initiated that he wanted to talk about it. 

Niall does not.

Louis leaves it at that. I wish I can abandon the topic as easily as he, for when he goes later that evening and Niall and I are alone again, the subjects are still floating in my mind. 

When Niall smiles at me with that overjoyed smile he does, I can't help but analyze further into it. I just can't comprehend how anyone can hide their sorrows so effortlessly.

I suppose since we weren't friends back then that I had as much the right of not figuring it out. It still doesn't stop me from being mad at myself.

 _Are you still sad?_ I want to ask Niall when his blue eyes are gazing at me, a palpable smile taking his face. _Do I make you happy, and if so, is it completely?_

It's difficult to keep the questions in my head but it's also harder to attempt letting them out. I can't make myself ask them, so I try not to think anymore—although I know I will never let myself live knowing that the possibility isn't 100% non-existent.

...

I don't have a very good tolerance when it comes to alcohol. I can't bear the taste of beer so I favor other liquors if the preferences are available. Whereas Niall, as his Irish descent builds into his roots, can manage pints on pints of beer. 

He's somewhere else now, lost in the house with a few other friends as I had earlier presumed.

Four or five shots into some sort of hard liquor, I can barely keep my balance as I stand on my two feet with Cady and two other girls I'd forgotten the names of.

The lights of the house have been dimmed and there's soft music playing, replacing the upbeat dubstep mixes that were first playing when the party began a couple hours ago. Or more, I can't remember. My mind can't think clearly anymore with the amount of intoxication fogging up my nervous system.

I look around the place, still being fascinated at how luxurious and large the residence is. It's owned by a friend of a friend of Niall's, therefore I have no clue who the owner is but am still enthralled by its classy architecture. 

I don't know if I'd ever wish to live in such a spacious home, for I'm not sure what I would make of ten whole bedrooms and a backyard the size of a football stadium.

"Am I getting too old because it's only 2 AM and I'm already sleepy?" Cady slurs, eyes heavy and drooping to the floor. The two girls laugh and I continue swaying to the chill music.

"It's the music, it's hypnotizing us all to torpidity." I explain.

"You're right." Cady responds, who seems to be finding it difficult to keep her eyes at least halfway open. 

I scan through the scattered people in the room, trying my best to trace out a Liam Payne to take his girlfriend home so she can safely go to sleep. He's nowhere in our proximity.

"Should you call Liam?" I ask Cady, who shakes her head in reply and giggles with blushed cheeks. "I think you should. You're about to fall on your face."

"Don't worry about it! I'm good, I'm good." She dances, albeit lazily, to attempt at emphasizing her statement. Her expression changes and she ogles her eyes at me, as if she's trying to psychologically send me a signal. I can't read what she means.

"Cheese from behind," She finally says, and I knit my eyebrows at her in confusion.

My queries are answered before I can turn around, as bare hands snake themselves on my waist and a silly familiar chuckle can be heard in my ear. 

Niall's chin rests on my shoulder and I laugh, bending my head towards his direction.

"Princess," He mutters, his breath potent with the scent of heady beer.

" _Jesus Christ_ , how much have you had to drink?" I exclaim, scrunching my face from the odious smell.

Niall folds his hands together at my stomach. "I don't know, I love you," he says, so quietly that I'm the only one who hears it. 

I laugh internally at his attempt of changing the topic so I won't become angry at his amount of beer intake—although I'm not, really.

I slowly spin around his connected arms, now facing him, and gradually we begin to dance together in sway of the gentle music. 

I wrap my arms around his torso, my hands at his back and the side of my face resting on his chest. It's my favorite place to be, tight in his arms and safely held in his warm body.

Niall's a sort of heaven to hold, and I can't imagine feeling this loved by anybody else.

"D'ya have a good night?" He asks.

"Better than good," I answer. "Did you?"

"Of course. And I've got my beautiful sexy girlfriend, so I don't know how it can get any better."

I giggle, the alcohol fusing through my body, making me giggle more than I would've sober.

One of Niall's hands remove their place from my upper back, his palm slowly going down as I feel it shoot shivers on my skin. It stops at my bottom, his hand grabbing the full right cheek in his fingers. I let out a surprised _oomph_.

"You wore this little black dress because you knew how much it'd turn me on, didn't you?" Niall's voice rasps through my ear and something unusual tingles in my stomach. "So fucking hot you are, baby."

There it is, the hormonal beast that came out from the aftermath of the pints of beer he's consumed. 

Drunk Niall is horny Niall, and I smirk in realization, arduously biting my bottom lip. This side of him has only made its appearance a few times since we've gotten together, and each time has just been dirty talk and minor touches here and there.

Obviously, being told something that inviting would flip on a certain imaginary switch in me, and my intoxication is wishing for it to continue.

"This is your favorite dress, after all. You've told me countless times," I remind him, my voice coming out more amorous than I had intended it to.

"It is," Niall whispers. His remaining hand follows the other, finding home on my left cheek.

" _Gaah!_ Niall, that's dirty!" I plea, remembering that we're in the center of the main room, where every other person could be watching the act of indecency.

To my relief, Niall brings his hands away from my bottom, roughly chuckling to himself. Instead, he takes my hand and I'm soon being led away through various people who step out of our rapid path. 

I don't know where he's planning to take me, the suspicion growing larger as he finds a staircase and guides me to ascend it.

"There's no one up here, are you sure we're allowed?" I ask him once we've reached the top, arriving to another large room that's connected to a hallway with a set of closed doors.

"Yeah, don't worry."

Niall rushes into the hallway, still holding my hand as tight as before and somehow, I manage my unsteady legs to keep up with his fast pace. 

He opens the first door on the corridor, glancing inside for a quick second and closing it once we see a person sleeping.

Nevertheless, Niall's determined state powers through and he continues to the next door. Upon opening it, he's faced with total and utter darkness. He doesn't waste time to find the light switch beside the doorway, thus flicking it on and then yelling, "Anyone in here?"

No one replies except for the room itself, answering with a thorough silence that proved its inoccupation.

"We're good then." Niall announces, pulling me inside.

With the small amount of given time that I have while Niall inspects the room for any hiding guests, I silently appreciate the room's décor in awe. The design is minimalistic in every way possible, the layout modern and the colors heavily dynamic in the contrasts of neutral.

It takes me a while to realize that the room is silent again, and it's then that I become struck with the eerie feeling that I'm being watched. I pivot around from where I stand, finding blue eyes concentrated on me, a teasing smirk accompanying his lips. I smirk back, beginning a longing stare of playful teasing that I know pained him with every second that passed.

A fast beat merely has the chance to pass before Niall's proceeding my direction, giving in to the game and declaring me the winner.

Sooner than I expect, his hands are on my face and his lips are hastily slamming into mine, lighting the awaiting fireworks that are yearning to burst from my lips. It follows a staggering explosion of sensations in my stomach, while a drumming ceremony promptly feasts in my chest.

I'm expectantly pushed to the door, my back closing it as Niall finds it in himself to lock the knob and kiss me at the same time.

It's a hungry mess of moist lips combined with the aura of alcohol, the moment so swift and agile that it all becomes a euphoric blur to my mind.

Niall's fingers are bound to mark prints on my cheeks with the intensity of his hold, but it's the least of my worries when the excitement inside me is building up and sparks are flaring from my mind.

"Fuck," Niall gasps suddenly. "I don't have a condom."

My back feels like piercing through the door. "Oh, I..." I barely exhale.

Niall shakes his head and his expression reads as if he wants to take back his previous sentence. "Wait no, we're too drunk right now," His blue eyes stare at me seriously. "I don't want to be drunk on our first time."

"Me neither, I'm glad you mentioned that."

He licks his lips and a grin returns on his face, "Doesn't mean we still can't have a little fun... you know, without going all the way."

I look at him flirtatiously, telling him that I agree _, absolutely_.

His throat develops a growl that electrifies through my ears and he uses his arms to pick me up from the floor, bridal style, hurriedly carrying me to the king size bed occupying the room. 

The bed is neat and tidy, and I wonder if we'll get in trouble for messing it up. Niall doesn't seem to care since he's too busy making growling sounds and all I can do is laugh at them.

"Drunk Niall is a horny growling dog," I state, giggling as I lie on the bed with Niall growling in my neck.

He halts, pulling himself away from me and laughing into his shoulder. 

He's widely smiling when he looks at me again, "I'm trying to be sexy for you and you basically call me a puppy? Do you know how limp it makes guys when girls call them cute?"

I cup my hands over his cheeks, "Alright, horny growling _wolf_. Is that better?"

Niall responds by forming his lips into an O and howls, howls like no other boy I'd ever heard howl in bed with me and of course, I have to laugh. He does too, after finishing his long cry to the moon.

In between his laughter, he makes out to say, "This is why we can't have sex when we're drunk." He pauses to let out a silent chuckle. "We'd get distracted by making jokes out of everything."

"Okay, true."

"Like, excuse my language," Niall starts and I nod to assure him to continue. "But when I'd finally go inside you, I'd probably raise my head and shout, _DING! The sausage is in the OVEN!"_  

_Oh my God._

That was definitely drunk Niall talking.

"And then," I speak through uncontrollable laughter, "I'll shout, _WOOO! The rocket ship has launched and is en route to SPACE!"_

And that was definitely drunk _me_ talking.

The only way to react to what had just been shared was to laugh, laugh until our insides hurt and tears started forming in our eyes. That's what happens, and Niall shakes his head and lands to lay on my side because we find ourselves way too hilarious.

I don't know how it led to this, for minutes ago we were craving everything intimate, desiring to fill every thirst from our wet lips and sweaty palms. Now all we want to do is crack up about all the inebriated thoughts roaming our minds. 

Everything just seems so funny, especially since Niall is right beside me, making me forget everything negative I'd ever had to stress about in life, every sad factor that's made me cry, every worry I'd ever reap in the future.

Our laughing subsides, and we're exhaling through the end part of the euphoric motion with humming _ahs_. 

I turn my head to look at Niall and I realize how shit-faced he really is, as his cheeks are completely stained red from the amount of alcohol flowing in his poor body.

"I think it's best to say that we shouldn't try anything else tonight." I state, catching Niall's stare from the ceiling to me.

He nods in agreement. "Yeah, you're right, let's call it a night." A long second passes and he shoots up from the bed but still sits there, "Shit, how are we getting home? I can't drive us like this, I've drank too much."

I haven't thought about that.

"Well, why don't we just stay here? The owner won't mind, I mean, it's kind of expected when you have a party promising alcohol and whatever other drugs I've seen tonight. I don't think they'll even know we're here, this house is humongous!" I explain, patting the spot where he'd previously been lying on. "Can we just stay here now and not go anywhere? Please?" I beg, giving Niall my puppiest of eyes. I sincerely do not feel like moving from my current state. This bed is similar to the comfort of my own back home.

Niall seems to hesitate, but he sucks in his upper lip and shrugs his shoulders. "Alright, yeah. I guess why not?" He lies back down. However, an instant second passes and he turns swiftly to me. "Wait, but your mom? She won't get mad?"

I sigh, petting his shoulder. "She'd rather be glad I come home alive tomorrow than me dead tonight with us driving after drinking."

"Right," Niall exhales. "You have a better sense of rationality than me."

I chuckle, shaking my head. "No, I just didn't drink half a keg of beer like _someone_ over here,"

"I did _not_ drink a half keg!" He defends himself, and I lie in silence to let a minute close over us. "Okay, maybe I did. I can't remember." He eventually admits.

" _Niall!_ "

"It's an Irish thing!"

I roll my eyes, "You say that about everything!"

He chuckles, getting up from the bed again. He leans towards my face and pecks a soft kiss on my forehead. "I'm going to turn the light off."

I hum a soft _okay_. He kisses my forehead again. I close my eyes until he's finished, and I open them again to watch as he hops from the bed and race to the door.

In a quick flick, the light shuts off and we're intently devoured by darkness. The room is in the center of the home, therefore a window is nowhere to be seen. Everything is black.

"I can't see where I am," Niall laughs, his voice sounding near but still far away.

"Be careful." I warn him.

I hear a footstep and then something heavy falls to the floor, making out what seems to be the sound of a body losing game against gravity. Niall shrieks, but he's cracking up before I can worry about his well-being.

"I'm okay, I'm totally okay," He says dramatically. "Don't worry about me Princess, I'll make it to your tower before the sun rises."

"For God's sake Niall, just get over here!"

He whines. "Okay, _geez_." I feel a hand grab the edge of the bed and it makes me jump back. "Sorry, did I scare you? It's just me." He pulls himself on the bed and laughs devilishly. "I'm sorry, I'm just fucking drunk babe." 

 _Obviously_.

"Come 'ere," Niall locates my body and attempts pulling me against him. 

I scoot myself on the soft mattress and his arms wrap around me. I hug him back as well, finding place for my face where his neck and chest meet. I feel his leg slowly move on top of mine, and I let my left leg sandwich in between his.

It's everything warm and comforting. Our positions made it almost impossible to be any closer than this; every bit of space between us ceasing to exist.

Niall's taller than me by a few inches, so I'm at the height for his chest with no problem. With that, his face is at the top of my head and it gives him the perfect advantage to caress my hair, to what he's so recently found a liking to do. I love when he does it more than anything.

I'm everything as content can be, until a particular thought decides to strike in my mind and Louis appears. He's talking, telling me about Niall and I want to cry.

"H-hey, Niall?" I manage to mutter. I pull away a little from him, just enough to crane my head and look directly at his face.

"Hmm?" He hums, his eyes snugly closed.

I swallow a lump. "Remember when Louis came by two days ago?"

"Yeah."

"He told me something... when you went out to talk to your mom on the phone, he and I talked a bit." I pause. "About you."

His eyes open. "Damn it, Louis." He curses under his breath. "What'd he tell you? I swear, whatever he said isn't true. He's a jokester, fools about everything. Shit comes out of his mouth way more than it should." He chuckles.

"No, it was serious, really." I'm coming out with it. "Like, he told me you were depressed after your parents left. That you were in a bad place for a while."

Niall doesn't reply. 

An unsettling silence takes over us and I stare at him, still waiting. His eyes are open and he's staring off again. 

I know I shouldn't have asked, shouldn't have reminded him about something bad from the past, but I couldn't hold it in any longer. I want to know how he is.

"And I don't mean anything odd with it, because you had all the right to feel like that then. You were alone for a long time, and... And I want to know if you still feel that way. If you're happy now, you know, because of me." I let out with almost one breath, proud that I've finally said what I've been wanting to say. I'm proud, yes, but I'm also anxious at the same time.

The hand on my head moves to my back, rubbing gently there instead. "Okay, first of all, I'm beating Louis' ass for telling you that secret, but second, it's my fault and I'm sorry I've kept it hidden. I didn't want you to ever worry about that."

Niall shifts his position so he can reach my face, making it so that we are seeing eye to eye. Even in the dark, his eyes are gleaming the clearest blues I'd ever seen. I swear the sky is trapped in there.

"Third, that phase in my life is over with and it's too much to get into but that doesn't mean I won't ever make the time to tell you about it. Because I will, Kaya, because I love you and I want you to know everything there is to me." He pauses, smiling, then kisses the corner of my mouth. "And four, you have nothing to worry about, because there has never been a time in my life where I am as happy as I have being with you."

I exhale a big breath. Honestly, I want to cry and pull myself tightly into his body but that's only two things out of the one-hundred other things that I want to do at the moment. 

I go for the tight hugging instead.

"I love you so much," I mutter into his chest, holding him so firmly I'm afraid I'm hurting him. "I fucking love you so much."

Niall stifles a small breath of laughter, his body vibrating against mine. "I love you so, so much more."

He's holding me just as tight, and in between the moment of love and affection, I feel his lips leave a kiss on top of my head. In anyone else's eyes, that kiss is solely a small action of sentiment, but to me, that kiss is everything that summarizes the amount of space reserved in his heart for the love he bears for me and me only.

There's a long fragment of time where we hold each other like that, and it's almost too perfect that I feel like I'm dreaming. I keep waiting to wake up but it's impossible because I'm already awake and everything is actually real. It's just that all of this is too good to be true and I don't know what I've done to deserve what I've received. I guess I'll never know, but for now, I'm going to enjoy it while I have it and try my best to never let it go.

"Goodnight, my princess." Niall whispers from above, keeping his arms around me and our legs intertwined.

I want to talk to him some more but I know that he's extremely tired, so I don't bother to keep him up. 

I wait until he falls asleep, when his breathing becomes uneven and his hold isn't as tight anymore, his unconsciousness bearing him no control. I stay awake for a while, admiring every second of breath he makes in his slumber, until I do eventually decide to sleep.

 _Goodnight sunshine,_ I think as I close my eyes. _Goodnight and sweet dreams._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Warning: This chapter contains smut, and if you're not comfortable with it, feel free to skip the parts that provide it. You'll know when it happens lol)

The middle of June was approaching us, the hot days sneakily flying through our fingers unconsciously and without recognition. It's difficult to slow down time when you spend almost every minute of it with someone who makes your heart grow wings inside your chest, that person making every second worthwhile and exciting. 

I know Niall and I promised to make this the best summer ever, but. I'm happy enough just to have him at my side, nothing more and nothing less.

Niall seems to think otherwise.

We'd been cradling each other on his sofa once again, indulging _How I Met Your Mother_ on Netflix—a past-time we've been enjoying for most days—and Niall chooses then to announce his feelings.

He sighs first. "You know, I thought our summer would be more exciting than this." I avert my eyes from Barney Stinson to my boyfriend as he continues, "I'm not complaining, it's been pretty great since I'm with you, but all we've done is gone to one party and watch Netflix. Do you see the problem with that?"

I'd meant to answer _no_ , but I guess his question was rhetorical as he further elaborates, not letting me put in my share of thoughts. "I have this... this sudden urge to do something exciting. Something big. You get me?"

I nod, pulling my legs off his lap and straightening my body forward in my seat. "Okay, so like, something spontaneous?"

"Yes!" He throws his hands to the air, widely smiling. "Spontaneous! That's the word! Something unplanned and erratic!"

I chuckle at his burst of excitement. "Alright cowboy, hold your horses. Do you have anything in mind? I'm not sure just how extravagant you're thinking."

"Mmm..." He hums, folding his lips. He seems to be mulling it over and I attempt myself at thinking of possible choices that we can do. 

I say go to the beach and take a dip in the ocean water; however, it's something everyone does in the summer, making it too basic of an idea. Besides, Niall and I had already been there last year, only it was cold at the time and I wasn't his.

"I got it!" Niall jumps to his feet, startling me in the process. The bag of gummy worms that I was previously holding had fallen to the floor during his sudden upsurge. He notices and picks it up, putting it back in my hand as he laughs apologetically.

"Road trip." He exhales, standing confident and boast, his hands on his hips. "We are going on a road trip."

I widen my eyes. "Wait, are you serious?"

Niall leans towards me and plots his hands on my shoulders. "Yes, princess, I am completely serious. Whaddya think?"

"I think—yes!"

"Like, we're not even gonna plan what we'll do, we'll just go. You know what I mean? We'll go right now, we can pack a week's day of clothes and just elope!"

Elation is bubbling in every part of my body, and I can see that Niall is feeling just as enthusiastic—if not more. He's basically hopping on his feet, the little leprechaun in him unmasking.

"Hold on, one thing though, even if this _is_ spontaneous," I tell him, his face close to mine while his hands are still on my shoulders. His expression tones down.

"What?"

"I've still got to talk to my mom, make sure she's okay with this."

Some kind of tension releases from Niall's torso, his arms loosening their tightness. "Oh yeah, of course. I thought you were gonna say something else."

"No," I giggle. "So I'll do just that now, then. I'll go back to mine and talk to her, then I'll call you and let you know right away. But for sure, she'll be okay with it since it is _you_ , so you can go ahead and start packing."

Niall smiles, his eyes glowing. "Okay." He leans closer and plants a moist kiss on my lips. His hands drop to my lap. "Alright, go persuade dear mother and we'll go!"

...

If there is one thing I have always appreciated about my mom, is that in my eighteen years of living, she has always given me a respectable amount of freedom. I've known other teenagers at this age who have mothers that cage them, and to be able to have one who is the exact opposite—one who _wants_ me to get out of the house and live my youth—has never been more promising at the given situation.

Of course, like I'd told Niall, my mom was all for it when I explained to her the details of the spontaneity that is Niall and I's last minute road trip. She deemed us to be _free-spirited_ , and as long as I called home every night, I was all good to go.

I meet Niall in his open garage not even half an hour later, a backpack on my shoulders and my omitted obligations falling at the steps of my feet.

"So, I threw in some blankets and pillows in the back," Niall says as he presses down on his car key-button to automatically close the trunk. "But we'll stop at a 7 eleven before we get on the highway, just for snacks and stuff."

"Sounds good." I say, holding the straps of my backpack on my shoulders.

Niall nods and smiles. "That's it then, I think. We're good to go. Are ya' ready for this?"

"Are you kidding?" I retort. "This is the best thing we've ever thought of and I'm so thrilled, you don't even know."

"Good." Niall replies, satisfaction plastered on his raised lips. "Then fuck! Let's get on the road!"

En route to a continuation of our best summer ever, Niall connects his phone to the car and blasts a mixed upbeat playlist and we're singing along, our voices louder than the wind that swept our hair through the opened windows. 

At least ten minutes into the drive, we come to a 7 Eleven and make a stop, Niall filling up the gas tank and I into the store.

Niall joins me inside when he's finished, and we grab a couple bottles of drinks and snacks. We even purchase a disposable camera, a necessity that Niall claims we needed to capture our upcoming escapades. 

With all that out of the way, we're back in his vehicle and jumping on the highway in no time. 

The entirety of 5 Seconds of Summer's album—Niall's favorite—plays through the first hour of our drive, and it's spent with him mostly yelling along to the lyrics and me attempting to contribute the little lyrics that I _did_ know. I didn't listen to them as much as he did, for he most likely absorbed every instrumental note of that album into his brain.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Niall hits the steering wheel while we're driving 65 miles per hour on the highway and I almost jump out of my seat. "Our song's about to come on," He states, glancing at me while doing so and then returning his eyes to the front. 

The strumming of guitars begin to sound loudly through the speakers. I'm muddled for a second, feeling guilty because I'm not sure what our song exactly is.

_For a while we pretended that we never had to end it, but we knew we'd have to say goodbye..._

Niall is singing along and I'm still trying to figure out the song.

_You were crying at the airport when they finally closed the plane door, I could barely hold it all inside._

Oh! I finally got it! This was the song Niall had first played me from this band, on the porch steps of my home when I kept wishing to myself that he'd go away. This was also the song that interrupted our kiss at homecoming. How could I forget it?

_Torn in two, and I know I shouldn't tell you, but I just can't stop thinking of you—_

"—Youuu-ooooo-uuuu!" Niall sings, turning to me with his right arm outstretched as he switches from looking at the road and serenading me repetitively. The car slightly swerves from left to right in a dancing motion and I feel honored but also anxious.

"Niall! Watch the road, please!" I shout, laughing while he continues through the chorus.

"Every night I almost call you, just to say it always will be youuu-ooooo-uuuu!"

_Jesus._

Niall continues to belt out the lyrics despite my warnings, and it's then that I choose to toss my worries away and accompany him to the melody of our potential death. 

The song is a true masterpiece and it makes me nostalgic, bringing back all the events that occurred between Niall and I and our path to this relationship.

We don't fail to sing the rest of the song, dancing behind the wheel and living the moment of the time. The road we ride on is endless, a fast path with barely any cars in between us. 

I feel jaded by the second hour so I rest my head on the car door and attempt to sleep. Niall's still singing, just quieter now, and I listen to every note he hits with his passionate soul.

I've known him to be musical ever since he picked up a guitar in elementary school. He was so determined that he even taught himself to play the instrument, and in time, he was singing and strumming the guitar on his own. 

I don't know why he's never tried to make something out of it, make a career out of his talent, because it's there and he's got so much potential. I think the lack of confidence in himself deducted the very idea.

I descent in and out of sleep several times, and sometimes it's the sun wavering directly over my face that wakes me, and/or it's Niall moving about in his seat. 

He's popped in a different CD now, and a childhood band that he's always cherished begins to play. The old country and rock compositions of The Eagles converts the atmosphere and it soothes me to slumber.

Except ten minutes later, Niall's screeching to the chorus of _Hotel California_ and I can't repose with his vehement warbling.

"Hey sleepyhead," Niall greets, noticing I've awoken.

"Hi." I yawn. I sit up on the seat and speculate our surroundings. We're not on the highway anymore. Rather, we're surrounded by a continuous abundant of tall green trees, the leaves atop their branches swinging gracefully with the wind.

I chuckle. "Niall, you took me to the middle of the woods? This is what you were aiming for on our road trip?" I never took him to be one with Bear Grylls, whereas the thought is becoming less and less feasible with every forest Niall has introduced me to.

Okay, this is only the second one, but.

"No," He chuckles. "Well _yes_ , but not intentionally. I saw a sign right when we entered this town, yeah, and there was a picture of something so alluring that I thought we'd go see it. Hopefully no one's there, this town looks fairly small anyway. I was going for romantic."

"Oh?" I emit. "What is the place?"

Niall pivots his head towards me, his chin touching his shoulder. "It's a surprise," He winks.

I groan. "Where even are we?"

"Still in Cali, but we're about three hours away from Sacramento." Niall answers. Sacramento is where we live. "Mm' not sure what town we're in though."

I watch through the window as we ride into the main street of a little country town. It's a huge difference compared to where we're from, since this place looks abandoned and a bit uninhabited. 

A short tan building reads _Office of Dunsmuir_ on the top, and seeing that many other buildings presented the word _Dunsmuir_ , I presume that that is the name of our current location. Frankly, I've never heard of it. We must have driven north.

A couple miles from that town and we've entered another road winding into nothing but hills and more trees. It's mid-afternoon now, and surely the sun is floating in the clouds, bright and merry as ever.

"Did you bring your swimsuit?" Niall starts, his left elbow resting on the car door.

I look oddly at him. "What for?"

"You'll see."

The car commutes into an entrance of what almost looks like a camping reserve, albeit being pretty much empty and neglected. There's a few RVs parked in the grass, the awnings wide open with Christmas lights decorated on them. 

We completely drive through the area and wind up hitting a dead end, an endless tall hill composed of trees blocking our path. Niall pulls the car near the acclivity and stops the vehicle, putting it in park and shutting off the engine.

He breathes through a satisfied smile, gazing at the woods in front of us. "We've arrived."

I scan the trees. I don't understand.

Niall barks into laughter. "I'm kidding. We have to walk there." He grabs the car handle. "Go for a hike, shall we?"

Inquisitively, I chuckle. "Okay."

Hopping out of the car, my legs revive their blood flow and I feel good about the healthy grass under my feet. 

Niall runs to the trunk and retrieves his backpack and I fetch mine out as well, assuming I'll need it if he does. I slam the car door, my backpack on, and I stretch my body outwards and inhale a long breath of fresh air.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" Niall asks, next to me now.

"Yeah, definitely."

I follow Niall as he makes to jaunt to the hill, and I'm not sure what he's up to when he pats the dry soil that poised the wall. The hill is as high as our shoulders.

"Are we... going up this slope?" I ask, indefinite about this operation.

Niall plants his hands on the flat top of it. "Hell yeah!" He lets go of the grass and turns to me, his hands outstretched in my direction. "You go first, and then you can pull me up afterwards."

I lower my head and hold my laughter in. "Niall, do you realize how much of my time is spent lying in bed? I don't lift! How will I pull your whole body by myself?"

"I'm not that heavy!" He defends. "And you're stronger than you think you are. If you're determined, you'll get me up. Just think about how much you need me."

The laugh I'd tried so hard to keep escapes my mouth.

" _Kaya!_ Trust me, this'll be worth it. You have to see this thing I want to show you! It's a little walk once we get up this hill but you'll thank me for the rest of your life." Niall explains, hands waiting.

"Oh, _fine_." I yield, stepping forward.

Niall lets out a fulfilled chuckle and positions himself behind me, his hands locating themselves on my waist. I palm the grass on the flat top of the hill, holding on to the sod as tight as I can.

"Ready?" Niall inquires.

Not really. "Yeah."

My boyfriend uses the strength in his biceps and lifts, lifts me so high to the point that I can reach the edge of the earthy ground and I can climb to haul my body over. With a final and sneaky push on my bottom, I successfully pull my weight and land on the flat ground.

"That was easy." I mutter.

"Yeah," Niall's head pops up from a couple feet below. "Now me."

_Dear Lord, please send me your deepest mercy._

I position my body to reach towards Niall, his hands clasping mine. I grin at him and he smiles back, our faces at the perfect height to touch. With our hands tight together, I lean close to his face and steal a teasing peck on the corner of his lips. He reacts by frowning and fake crying.

"Damn it, Kaya! Get me up there, please. I want to kiss your face off."

I giggle. "Alright!"

Before I make myself pull, I close my eyes and silently pray for my strength. 160 pounds... _160 pounds!_

160 pounds that composed the man I love. I can do it.

My feet plant firmly in the ground and I pull, pull with my best abilities, while Niall climbs on the dry soil with his feet. 

I'm gritting my teeth seconds later, my energy pulsating in every vein that aids my body, and I pull harder than before. Niall's on the same ground as me momentarily, letting go of my hold to help himself ascend.

I let my bottom sit on the grass as I take a moment to catch my breath.

" _Jesus Christ_ , we need to get you physically fit. This is honestly bad, princess." He laughs at me from above, standing and giving me his hand. "All our couch sitting has gotten you out of shape."

I jump up and kick his shin, immediately walking away while he reacts by shouting _ow!_ and hopping to catch up with me as he rubs his wounded leg.

"A little harsh, are we?" He shouts from behind.

"My body is as good as I see fit. You talk like you've worked out this summer but I've barely seen you lift so much as a small rock!"

Niall scoffs. "Oh really? So me carrying you all over the place doesn't count?"

My jaw drops and I halt in my steps, turning myself to glare at him. 

Niall instantly brings his hand to palm his mouth, realizing what he had just implied. "Shit! I didn't mean it like that, Kay, and you know it,"

I roll my eyes and stomp on forward, entering the range of tall trees. I begin to hear the sound of water flowing nearby, and I feel swindled because I see absolutely no water anywhere. 

Niall jumps from behind me and wraps his arms over my torso, his front basically squishing my backpack. He nuzzles his face into my cheek.

"Sorry 'bout what I said, you're the hottest girl I've ever laid my eyes on." Niall says, apologetic. "Love you,"

I shake off his body. "Alright, I wasn't even offended." I laugh. "Get out of my ass Niall, _geez,_ you're already too far up."

"But I love it up here."

My nose scrunches, disgusted at his comment. Niall bursts into a fit of laughter, the only one finding himself so comical. 

I can't believe I'm in love with this idiot; then again, I can't believe he's in love with me. It goes both ways.

We continue to hike for not too long of a time, and the further we go in the family of trees, I'm rest assured that my ears aren't fooling me. There's water somewhere and it's never been a clearer sound that it is at the moment. There's got to be water nearby.

"Do you hear that?" I ask Niall. "There's water somewhere, but I don't see it."

The blond boy bites his bottom lip. "No, you're right, there _is_ water. That's where I'm taking you." He walks ahead of me and picks up his pace. "This town's slogan is _home of the best water on earth_. It's famous for the Mossbroe Falls."

"How did you—"

"I went into the welcome center of the town while you were asleep in the car." Niall interjects. "I read it all from a travel pamphlet."

_Of course._

I shake my head. "Kudos to you, babe. You know how to do this road trip thing well."

A smug smile plasters on his face as he turns his body to face me and walk backwards. "I do, thank you," He sarcastically bows.

"Anyway," He continues. "We should be to the waterfalls pretty soon."

And he was right. It doesn't take long to walk not even a quarter of a mile to reach our destination.

Niall, more excited than I am, runs forward with his arms in the air, shouting wildly towards the waterfall. I walk a little faster, admiring the astounded child in Niall's character.

He'd taken me to a set of high springs that flowed easily into a bank of water. 

The waterfall is a baby compared to the Niagara Falls, but it's still at the ideal height to shower a ginormous giant. It's not even just that, but the view of it all with the trees and the sound of peace the water flow radiates brings a throng of euphoria in my stomach.

I finally reach Niall, his hands cupping his mouth in pure bewilderment. He rotates to me and I've never seen a happier expression covering his pale face.

" _Huh?_ _Huh?_ What'd I say? Is this not the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?" He asks.

My eyes remain focused solely on him as I answer, "Yeah, it most certainly is."

Niall twists half of his body and unzips the smaller pocket of his backpack, digging out the disposable camera we had earlier purchased. He hastily opens the cardboard package and takes out the device, winding it for its first picture.

"Alright, stand in front of the waterfall and I'll take a picture of you," He says, backing up from his standing spot and holding the camera to his eyes.

I follow his directions and when he shouts for me to say _cheese!_ I smile and the camera flashes, almost blinding me for a short second.

"Now a selfie of both of us?" I request.

"Yes!"

Niall puts his arm around my neck and I lean closer to his body, my arm around his waist. He leads to hold the camera in the air, and once again, the flash abducts my soul and everything is bright. Was I smiling in that picture? I can't remember. Crap.

For a couple minutes, Niall and I admire the waterfall and listen to the scenery. The sounds of nature can be heard, from birds singing in the trees to squirrels dropping nuts and leaves rustling in the branches with the water rushing to escape and fall into the calm bank below. 

All in all, it's a picture perfect view meant to be printed on a postcard, and I'm completely happy to be seeing it in person with Niall at my side.

It becomes hot once the hype dies down, and my skin begins to stick to my clothes from the sweat I've produced and the air feels humid and icky.

I know Niall does too, when he drops his backpack and initiates to strip away with his clothes. I step back and it catches his attention.

"What? It's hot!" He claims. "And that water looks clean enough to jump into. C'mon! Take off your clothes!"

Skinny dipping is not on my bucket list. In fact, it never was nor ever will be.

"Not all the way." Niall must've read my mind. "Just enough. I mean, unless you want to." He winks, pulling off his pants and revealing his briefs and his ridiculously white legs.

I laugh. "I wasn't thinking to."

"Liar." He finishes, shirt tossed to the grass, his body almost bare in the afternoon sun. He looks so good that I almost gasp. "D'ya need some help?" Niall reaches towards me and I flinch. He chuckles. "Wha?! I've seen you naked before! Does it matter?"

"What?!" I bellow.

"Okay, not completely. Just, in your bikini when we were younger." He says, the tone in his voice implying that this shouldn't be news.

Oh yeah.

"So. Help?" Niall starts again, hands patiently waiting in the air.

Blushing, I slightly nod and grab the ends of my shirt, shortly being joined by another set of hands seconds later. 

Niall aids me to remove my top, and when my chest and stomach are openly displaying to the world—a laced bra covering me, obviously—Niall mutters a string of curse words under his breath. Which, of course, makes my cheeks the redder.

"Fucking hell," Niall rubs the back of his hand painfully slow from just under my bra to my stomach and my skin prickles under his tender touch.

I'm not sure that I should remove my pants, since Niall's basically drooling already. 

We've been dating long enough to have regarded each other's nudity, but certain circumstances had distracted us from it ever happening. Us being officially together, like I'd said, wasn't really beginning until this summer started. I'll always blame school for that.

I don't have any more time to decide, when Niall's fingers beat me to unzip my pants and my thoughts entirely vanish. He unbuttons them and I put my hands on his to stop them from going any further.

"I can do it." I state.

He bites his lip, pulling his hands away from me and surrendering. "Alright."

"Turn around."

"Really?" He laughs in disbelief. "I'm gonna see you afterwards anyway? Besides, I wanna watch. Do it slowly and just... I don't know, dance a bit." _What?!_ "Strip for me, baby. Please?"

"What the hell?" I chuckle. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea."

Niall knits his eyebrows in question.

"You do realize you're wearing a thin pair of briefs right? Anything that goes up _is going_ to show, Niall."

Instantly, Niall jumps on his feet and covers his front with both of his hands. "Fuck!" He bursts into embarrassed laughter. "Was I showing? I swear to God, I'm sorry—"

"No, you weren't," I reply. "Now turn around!"

"Ugh!" He groans, still holding himself. "Fine."

When his back is completely turned to me, I proceed to pull down my skinny jeans and shimmy out of them. I set them on the grass along with my top, and I suddenly feel out of place. I look around our surroundings, making sure that no one else is around. My bra and undies make me feel a little too exposed. Luckily, Niall is the only other living human to be seen.

"Done." I proclaim.

Just as I'm fixing my underwear to cover my bottom completely, Niall hops from his spot again and rushes towards me. He takes me by surprise, all while shouting, and picks me up with hands over my stomach and races to the water. 

I'm yelling in fun and Niall is all good laughter as he jumps into the water, taking me in with him. The cold pond engulfs us, hugely splashing outwards and in. 

The water is deeper than I had imagined, for my feet are nowhere close from touching the ground, but it also feels refreshing on my previously hot skin. 

I swim upwards a few feet, my legs kicking against the pressure. I open my eyes, discovering Niall already at the top, his legs fighting to keep him afloat.

I gasp once I reach above the water level, and I'm greeted by Niall's traditional wide grin, his blue eyes wetly sparkling and his blond hair darker and damp on his head.

"Woo! That was fucking amazing!" He cheers while shaking his head like a dog. "I wanna jump in again! Perhaps somewhere higher this time—"

"Don't you think about it." I threaten, trying to catch my breath. He's ogling the waterfall above us and I know a dangerous idea is blossoming in his head. "That cliff is way too high."

He shrugs, raising the corner of his lips. "You're right. Wouldn't wanna kill myself on our first day."

"I don't want you to die even if it was a different day, jerk." I splash him with my hand, turning away and making to swim the other direction.

"Oh, come on!" He follows close behind, his voice still near. "I wouldn't die! That's not even that high, you're overreacting!"

"Go then!" I snap. "Go jump and die, see if I care, Horan."

Niall mockingly laughs, his arms locating their path to wrap himself on my upper body. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! I won't kill myself off, I love you."

"Stop that!" I escape his hold and push his returning arms away. "Stop saying you love me every time I get mad at you so I'll forget what I'm mad about!"

"Why not? It works, doesn't it?" He forces himself on me again, hugging me into his person. "Besides, I mean it when I say it. I know it seems like I'm easily throwing it out there all the time, but it's only because I feel so much for you that even if I say it a million times a day, it still wouldn't amount equally to how much I do."

"You're so corny, oh my God." I wiggle my arms out and throw them around his neck. He finally lets me lean back, his arms adjusting to my waist. "And I know how much you love me. It shows in everything you do, don't you realize that? The way you look at me, the way you hold me, the way you treat me. It's there and I understand the quantity."

Niall smiles. It's so pure and I want to frame it to the sky for everyone to see.

"God, you're amazing." He exhales. "And this place is unbelievable, isn't it? I'm so glad we decided to leave home. I'm pretty sure this place wouldn't have been as great if I wasn't here with you."

"Yeah. It is awesome. I can't believe this is only a few hours from where we live. Who would've thought."

He nods, still smiling down at me, our eyes longing our gaze deeply into each other's souls. He leans closer and mutters, "Yeah, who would've thought." He leans in and catches my mouth, the soft plump of his lips entrancing me once more.

It alarms me when his tongue tickles my teeth and he's requesting for entrance, yet I open my mouth and let him inside. I'd never been that fond of making out with anyone, as it's all icky and gross considering you and that person's saliva are mixing together. 

However, when I'm snogging Niall, it's an entirely different story altogether.

He's really good at it. His tongue is usually gentle and he doesn't force too much movement, making it simple and enjoyable. There's a certain technique that he does with his lips and tongue, and whatever the hell it is, it's irritatingly addicting because I can never get enough of it.

My hands carelessly shift from his neck to grab his face, giving me leisure to kiss him even better. 

We lose track of time, and I forget to worry that my body might wrinkle with being in the water for so long. It's just that sucking each other's face off is more time investing than it actually feels like. We get too lost in it and both of us are afraid to stop, to pull away and miss the other's inveterate taste.

I do, eventually, disconnect our kiss and pinch Niall's side. He laughs as I swim away, making him chase me in the water. I splash behind me to slow him down, although it doesn't really work because Niall's a better swimmer.

The night rolls in without our notice, our evening consumed away at the same waterfall. We explore almost every spot on that bank, and when the sun is barely visible in between the trees, Niall and I finally sit at the edge where the grass meets the water and I rest my head on his shoulder. We forgot to bring towels, so we conclude to just sit and dry ourselves out. It's still hot outside anyway, with the exceptional cool breeze awarding us every now and then.

"Today's been so good. I don't want it to end." Niall mutters, his voice drowning out into the loud noise of the cascades.

I nod, agreeing. "Me neither. I love spending time with you. You make life fun."

"And I with you." He puts one arm around me and lays his head on mine, and together we watch the remaining light of day disappear.

It's 8 PM by the time we head back to the car, and even though it's dark and harder to see where were going, we successfully find Niall's white Escalade, safely parked where we had left it earlier in the day.

I call my mom in the passenger seat while Niall sets up the back, arranging the pillows, blankets, and what not. He'd taken out the back seats at his house to give us more lying space, since it'd have to do for us tonight. We didn't want to hassle with finding a hotel. We agreed that it was just like camping anyway.

Once we've settled in, Niall and I sit at the back, the trunk open while we snack on a bag of Doritos with The Eagles playing on his car speakers. We're facing trees and the road back to the RV site, and albeit the fact that it's not a sunset view, it's still respectably beautiful. Being away from the city and lights, we can actually see the sky and the stars that it pleasurably provided.

We chat for a long time, pointing out the stars and which ones we thought represented each other. 

There's two in the sky that almost seem like they're touching, but they're not. Niall claims that those two are actually Venus and Jupiter, but I don't believe him because he doesn't know anything about astronomy. Plus, Venus and Jupiter are planets, not stars.

"Nice try though," I had told Niall. He just laughed and shrugged his shoulders.

We're not tired even after stargazing and singing to the music. There's just something about being together that ceases us from wanting to sleep. It's exciting, to be with him in the middle of nowhere like this, where the sky is shining down on us and the nature of the night comforts our every worry.

"Kaya," Niall says my name, and I switch my perception from the moon to the oceans of his blue eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Um..." He seems nervous, almost as if he's unsure. "I don't think I said it earlier today, but when you took off your clothes... _Jesus Christ_." He squeezes his eyes and clenches his fist to emphasize. "I felt like the luckiest man in the world because fuck, you're beautiful. Everything... just... perfect."

I can't control the smile that's creeping on my lips.

"I just... I want you to know how much your body affects me. And you too, obviously. You affect me a whole lot."

A giggle escapes my lips. "Does it, Niall? Does my body affect you that much?" I reach to the back of my fresh top and proceed to pull it off, slowly enough to tantalize him. I've never done anything like this before, but Niall's remark sparked something courageous inside me.

"What—" Niall breathes, nervously chuckling. "What are you doing?"

I shrug, crawling on the car to take off my pajamas. "Nothing. Just... affecting you." I throw the pants behind me to join the shirt, then I plant my hands on the floor in front of my astonished boyfriend, pushing my arms inwardly on my chest to force my breasts together. "Just... I don't know, getting naked for you."

"What the fuck what the fuck what the—" Niall can't stop swearing, his eyes lingering downwards and away from my face.

I tilt his head back to me with my finger at his chin. "Eyes up here, sir." I bring my face forward and leave a prolonged kiss on his lips.

"Kaya, I swear to God, you don't realize what you're doing to me right now." His hot breath fans over my lips and I smirk. I definitely know the reaction I'm getting from him, as it was my very intention in the first place.

"Don't worry," I giggle, palming his hard-on in the thin fabric of his shorts. "I know."

Niall lets out a soft moan, his eyes closing at the touch of my fingers. I don't let it show on my face, but once I feel him become even harder in my grasp, it startles me and I feel strange. Strange—in a good way.

"I'm dreaming, I have to be." He still laughs, fake and shaky. 

He's so nervous it's amusing. I love doing this to him. It makes me feel warm inside, and the thought of him developing a boner so fast just from my teasing gives me so much sensation.

I finally break out a genuine smile. "You're not. This is real, Niall, and I'm serious. I want you."

His eyes open. "Fuck." He reaches to sweep my brown hair out of my face, tucking strands behind my ears. He gets up from his sitting position and goes on his knees, to better shade over me and take control. "Really," He whispers into a kiss. "Just exactly how much do you want me?"

"Bad. I want you so bad, you can't even begin to imagine." I let myself fall into the blankets.

"Oh, I can." He deeply chuckles. "'Cause I want you just as much."

With that said, he seizes his tank top to take it off, and I help him while we wreathe to make out at the same time. It doesn't take him very long to kick off his shorts and I giggle into his mouth for his bold tenacity.

We spend a few minutes kissing, Niall lying on top of me, before his mouth departs from my lips and to my neck. His hands find the straps of my bra, struggling to unclasp the latch that held it together at my back. I giggle and reach behind to help him, and after successfully breaking it free, he tears it from my chest and tosses it elsewhere.

In result, he cups my breasts in his fingers, each fragile nipple in between his middle and index fingers as he rubs them together against the tips. It feels so good to have him caress them like that, so lovingly gentle and kind that I withdraw a small moan. 

Obviously, it drives Niall crazy and he skips the remaining parts of my neck that he hadn't kissed and shifts to suck on a nip instead.

I feel a match being lit at a very private part of my body, so I move my legs together to further enhance the burning passion. My hands, without my control, blindly reach for that special area and I touch myself through the fiber.

Niall then comes off my chest, swatting away my fingers. "No." He warns, his voice raspy and hot.

"What, why? I... I need to—"

"That's my job." He adds, and without added elaboration, he pulls away from me and sits at my opened legs. He grasps the sides of my underwear and drags them through my legs, taking it off and neglecting it somewhere into the vehicle as well.

I'm entirely exposed now. Every inch of my body is bare and unclothed, all out and open and only for Niall to have. I want him to have me. Every existing inch of skin that creates me and portrays my every being. It's all for him. I don't have to say it either, because he knows.

He knows, as he leaves a trail of kisses on my inner thighs, slowly leading to my main area. Once he's there, he kisses the top and his big fingers hold the folds to open me out. 

At the first touch of his tongue in contact to my clit, I moan rather loudly while lightning strikes from my bottom and electrifies to my stomach.

"Goddamn, you're so fucking wet for me, baby. And you taste so good, too." He makes a slurping sound, delivering his fingers to his mouth to suck them. "So so good."

"I..." I gasp. "That's gross, Niall. That's so gross." I mutter, although I don't want him to stop.

His tongue returns and it laps and twists and circles, and with every stroke, I feel closer and closer to reaching a particular high.

"Don't come." Niall mutters and I feel his hot breath on my heat. "Don't come yet, okay?"

I want to fight him, but I nod. At least I'll try not to, though I'm not sure if I have the willpower to battle it. I'm already aroused and we've barely even started. I don't know how I'm going to last the whole night through. Niall is just so, so good at this.

"Ohh!" I cry, not expecting the finger that's inserting inside me.

"Sorry babe, is this okay? Don't be afraid to tell me if I'm doing something you're not comfortable with," He explains, his long finger halting from any movement.

I shake my head. "No, keep going. Dear _God_ , please keep going."

Niall chuckles, acknowledging the mere power that he's holding over me at the moment. He moves that finger back and forth, all while sucking on my bud, and I don't know if I've ever felt something so celestial in my entire life.

"Mm' just stretching you out. We can't actually fuck unless you're ready or it'll hurt too much. And I don't want to hurt you." He concedes. "I'm putting another finger in, okay? Tell me if it hurts."

I assure him to go ahead, and once he's stuck his middle finger inside to join his index, a throaty moan escapes my mouth and I feel a little more opened. I signal Niall that I'm okay, and he grins and continues his actions. He goes at it for a while, and with each motion, the hurt lessens and it grows to something better.

In time, I begin to acutely desire for the actual thing. There's a lack inside of me that can't be filled with only his fingers, despite how good they are at what they do. I know that he wants to take it slow and make sure that I'm okay, and I love him so much for that; however, my craving is flourishing and I need him in the next coming minute or I'll probably lose it.

"Niall, fuck, I need you now. I want you right now!" I beg. "Please, I don't care how much it'll hurt, I need you inside me. Don't make me wait any longer."

Niall's head raises from my area, his fingers pulling out. A grin is on his face and he chuckles. "You're so good at dirty talk, you know? I never expected something like that out of you."

I laugh and stare him down, impatient.

" _Alright_. Hold on, I gotta grab something." He climbs over me and to the front passenger seat, popping open the glove box and taking something that sounds candy wrapper crunchy in his fingers.

While he opens the package, I have the pleasure of viewing the field from the open trunk. I almost laugh at myself, for I can't be anymore showing than I am right now. 

I'm so glad this place is empty. I can't fathom anyone finding us like this. It's so dirty but enticing at the same time. There's just something about it that fires me up even more, knowing we're doing something so filthy in the public outdoors. I can't think of a better situation than this to look back to and remember how I lost my virginity. It's a pure laugh. And I can't imagine losing it to anyone else.

Once Niall settles back in between my legs, he finally pulls away his briefs and reveals the bare skin of his cock. It's actually a lot bigger than I'd pictured, and that may be because he's hard as a rock and it's pointing upwards to the sky. Whatever it is, I'm honestly quite amazed. Now I can really comprehend why he wanted to make sure I was ready.

"You're so big, what the hell?" I can't stop staring at it. The action may deem me childish, but it fascinates me and I don't know if I'll ever believe the prominence of the size.

Niall proudly shrugs, raising the corner of his lips. "I mean, yeah. What'd you expect?" He laughs, and I slap his hip. "Aha, I'm kidding." He digs the condom out and rolls it onto himself, making sure it's secure the next.

Finished, he looks at me and licks his lips. "You ready for this?"

"So ready," I exhale.

The blond boy leans down to lay over me, our stomachs together as he catches my mouth. He kisses me softly and strokes my perspired hair away from my forehead. He uses his other free hand to guide himself, and I reach down with both of my hands to help. 

Together, we aid in directing each other to the right hole. I feel the tip entering and it causes me to arch my back as the rest of him fills me entirely. I curse under my breath, biting my bottom lip as I attempt to endure the pain. I can't deny that it hurts, hurts so much I feel like I'm being ripped apart, but Niall's kisses at the edges of my lips eases every hint of ache I obtain. The way he holds me in place under his body reassures me of his love and warmth and that's all I needed to forget the torment invading my opening.

"Tell me when you're ready for me to move. I'll go slow too, so don't worry okay?" Niall tells me, his forehead on mine.

"Okay."

I bind my arms around his back and hold him securely. I may end up hugging him too tight or scratching his skin, but _Jesus Christ_ , it really hurts and this is my first time; it's bound to happen. Niall doesn't seem to mind, due to him encouraging me to do whatever I needed to keep myself relaxed. I'm so happy I have him. So so happy.

"Go." I say, looking right into his blue eyes as he gazes directly back. "I'm ready."

Niall nods and smiles, reaching closer to kiss me as he moves his hips as gentle as he can. I squeeze my eyes with every slow thrust and moan into his mouth, feeling his soothing hands on my face that attempt to comfort me.

"Fuck," Niall grunts, releasing my lips and closing his eyes. "I love you so much." He thrusts in again, still at the same accustomed speed. "You're so tight and warm, and you feel so good around me, baby. It feels so good."

I hum, enjoying every passionate mark he leaves in my body with every push he propels. 

After a couple more thrusts, it doesn't hurt as much as it did when he first admitted inside. I soften around his cock and I can feel every inch of him completely. The more he moves back and forth, the deeper my moans emit into his lips. Everything and anything undeniably feels incredible, as if the world is spinning around us and nothing can separate our persons from being this ultimately close together. 

Every time Niall's tip touches a certain spot inside me, a bomb explodes in my head and the combustion releases each definition there could ever be interpreted of the words _amazing_ and _fascination_. An actual explosive could detonate in the middle of my brain and I wouldn't be able to feel the difference.

"You can go a little faster now," I manage to tell Niall. I think I can handle a more accelerated speed.

"You sure?" Niall asks, pausing the flow. "Wouldn't wanna hurt you,"

"Really, it's okay. I want faster."

He nods, burrows his face into the crook of my neck and thrusts in deeper. The intensity of that one push causes me to moan louder than I previously had that night, and when he picks up the pace as he pushes in and out of me, I can't help but let that moan become a common sound to emit from my mouth.

Niall's muttering _fuck_ repeatedly in my ear and I scratch his back in my strong embrace, and sweat is pouring from the both of us but it only makes the whole scenario the more erotic, so I don't mind. The vehicle even bounces with every forward movement, the car joining in on our sexual exercise. I almost feel sorry for it.

"I'm gonna come, princess. I'm gonna come—" Niall lets out, his words sounding jumbled in his enchanted state.

I pick my head up to kiss his cheek and bring my hand at his back to stroke his hair. "Go ahead baby, come for me."

The friction starts to accelerate even faster as Niall reaches his peak, and in the process, he fingers my clit and rubs the hell out of it to aid me to capture mine as well. I squeeze my eyes so tight from his rapid flicking and I know we're seconds away from fervently letting go.

Niall breathes out raspy moans, and in quick beats of blurred vision, we arrive at our highs simultaneously and the world is slipping from our fingertips. It's the first sensational bite of a hot and savory pizza and the rush of plunging from a tall New York City building, all at the same time, every hint of satisfaction arresting our deviant minds.

Everything stops.

"Sweet Jesus," Niall rests his head on the car floor, right above my shoulder. "That's got to be one of the best orgasms I've ever had."

I giggle and release my arms, letting them outstretch on the floor. I feel like a flightless angel. I breathe out and close my eyes.

"Your oven definitely baked my sausage." Niall admits, and I open my eyes to burst into a fit of laughter.

"Oh my God, _really?_ " I can't believe he just brought that joke back.

He laughs. "I should pull out now, yeah?" I nod, wiping sweat from my eyes.

I don't feel him coming out, as anything from my waist down is all numb and indifferent. I sit up as Niall unrolls the condom from himself, quickly noticing the substance packing the rubber. He locates a plastic bag and throws it in there, tying the sack and planning to toss it later.

"You... you didn't bleed, you know." Niall states, checking the floor for any signs of red spots.

I widen my eyes. "Really? That's surprising." It really is, because everything down there had felt so insane, so I'm taken aback that I didn't exude the inimical liquid.

My body goes limp on the car floor, the blankets moist under my skin from the sweat we had produced moments prior. I want to close my eyes and go to sleep.

Niall lands on the spot next to me and I scoot towards him, resting my head on his chest while his arm snakes around me. He sighs.

"Well, how do you feel?" He inquires, his palm rubbing my stomach.

I open my eyes and look to the same night sky, the stars seeming to twinkle brighter. "Happy. Very happy."

"I'm glad." Niall continues to rub tenderly at my abdomen and it makes me feel safe. "You did good tonight, babe. I'm proud of you."

I hum in response. "Thank you for being careful with me. I really appreciate that."

Niall cranes his neck to lean forward and give me a kiss on my forehead. "Of course, that's no biggie. I would never hurt you, you know that right? Emotionally or physically. Shoot me if I ever do."

A laugh withdraws from my lips and I close my eyes. "I won't shoot you, because you'll never give me a reason to. I trust you."

The sound of a cicada begins to play in the distance, adding on to the relaxing playlist that is the nature around us.

"I'm just saying, if I ever make you cry, please shoot me. I can't live with that." Niall continues.

"Ugh, let's not talk about it." I groan. "I'm tired. We've been spontaneous enough for today."

Niall chuckles, heavily agreeing. "You're right."

I laugh too, and I bury myself into Niall's body as he takes me in and tickles my tummy.


	4. Chapter 4

Note to self: don't fall asleep naked in the public outdoors.

Overwhelmed about the night before, I squeeze my eyes and rub my forehead, feeling hot and freshly bitten. There are mosquito bites on certain parts of my body and I want to scratch them, except I don't want to move because Niall's spooning me and I can feel something hard on my bottom.

This is awkward.

Niall's sporting himself a morning wood and he's still sleeping. 

I suppose the circumstance definitely feels flattering, but I've never been in this situation before so I'm not exactly sure what the normal reaction to _this_ is. He's right on my ass and if I move even the tiniest bit, it'll rub on my skin and I don't know what to get out of that.

Aside from everything else, the parts of myself from the waist down are still numb. Frankly, there's an arduous feeling of something heavy in my vagina. There's nothing in there, clearly, but last night's new experience left that sort of unpleasant throbbing. That sole feeling isn't entirely awful, for it reminds me of how cautiously Niall made love to me. As I think about it more and more, a smile creeps on my lips and I want to scream into my pillow.

That was a big step not only for our relationship, but also for me.

"Damn it," I hear Niall swear quietly, most likely startled by his hard self after just awakening. He moves away from me and I can hear him shuffling around on the blankets.

I pretend that I'm still sleeping, lying almost as still as a statue while Niall hops out of the trunk. He doesn't notice whilst I watch him throw his clothes on, running off into a set of trees the next minute. He's disappeared completely and I can't evaluate his body anywhere in the green flood of forestry.

What the hell? Where is he going?

Quickly, I get up and locate my clothes. The pieces are strewn everywhere in the car so I have a difficult time finding them but I snicker about our wild demeanor anyway. My underwear was under the back tire.

Niall returns half an hour later, hair sticking to his forehead out of sweat and his face flushed red.

 _Oh my God_. He didn't. Did he?

He's got a huge nonchalant smile on his face as he languidly walks towards me.

He did. I inwardly chuckle. What a gentleman.

"Good morning," Niall waves, only a couple feet now from where I sit in the trunk. 

"Hi." I chime. "Where'd you go?"

The blond boy shakes his head and scratches the back of his neck. "Uh... just... relieved myself."

Sure you did.

"Did you just wake up? I'm surprised you're not still sleeping." Niall bends himself over the opening and pecks my lips. "It's truly a miracle," He chuckles through the kiss, and I roll my eyes as I pinch his side in response. He flinches.

"Can we please find a bathroom somewhere? I reek of sex and pond water." I sigh, scratching a bug bite on my upper arm.

"It's not so bad," Niall purrs in my neck, sniffing me. "You smell pretty good, if you ask me."

I push him with my hands on his chest, throwing my head back. "Niall, _please!_ I'm serious. I stink, you stink, we need to shower. This isn't acceptable."

"Alright, fine." He relents.

Niall picks me up and transports me on his front, his hands on my bottom as I wrap my arms around his neck and rest my chin on his shoulder. He squeezes my butt cheeks with his fingers, emanating a stunned squeal from me that converts into a fit of giggles.

"My wonderfully stinky girlfriend, let's get you all cleaned up," He singsongs, carrying me to the passenger seat. He sits me down and begins to smooch his lips all over my face in a hurried manner, never bearing me the chance to block his next location. "Or maybe I'll just lick you clean, like cats do. I'll lick you everywhere until you only taste like me."

"Ah!" I yelp as Niall kisses down my chest. "That's disgusting. You've got a sick mind, Horan."

Niall pulls back and grins. "Yet you love me,"

I surrender, dropping my shoulders. "Yet I love you."

The smile on his face spreads wider. "I love you, too."

Taking his hand that's free, I flip it with both of my hands so his palm is facing me. I trace a heart on his hand and gaze at him, specializing my next word, _"Always."_

Satisfied, Niall closes his eyes and smiles, tilting his head slightly to the side to fully emphasize his joy.

In the next minute after, he lets me settle into the seat, closes my car door, and runs to the other side of the vehicle. 

Once he's jumped into the driver's side, he pushes his key in the ignition and presses a button to close the trunk. I grab his phone to play an upbeat playlist on 8tracks, and finally, he's driving forward on the grassy path and we're on the road again.

...

Out of Dunsmuir, we eventually come across a rest stop that provided showers at an exit of the highway. Niall goes in the men's as I set for the women's, and apart but together, we shower and cleanse our bodies from the night's prior adventures.

I walk out feeling good as new, my body radiating the cheap body wash I'd vended out of the rest stop and my hair free from its viscidity of the water we had swam in. I've never felt more refreshed in my life. There's still that numbness between my legs, but the ache has lessened and is only now just a slight harrowing.

It takes a couple more minutes of waiting until Niall's finished as well. He emerges out of the comfort room looking like a million dollars, his skin essentially glowing and his ambience somehow brighter. When he joins me in the car, he exhales and runs his fingers through his freshly damp hair. His sudden presence rivets a cool mint into the vehicle and despite its quixotic punch to my nostrils, I like it.

"So, where's our next stop?" Niall inquires as he starts the engine.

"Umm..." I pretend to think. "Dunno, you tell me."

Niall makes a face. "I mean, we could turn around and go back south. I don't know if there's anything more up this way. We could hit LA, go to Venice or Santa Monica."

"Yes!" My eyes almost bulge out of their sockets as I jump on my seat. "Santa Monica! Yes! Let's go there!"

I'd been to Santa Monica several times in my life, and I know for sure that it's one of my favorite places in all of California. I have a couple good memories there with my mom when I was younger. And not to mention, also with my dad; however, he's largely irrelevant now because he's separated from my mom and I don't know much about him.

He moved out of our house—and our lives—when I was eight. There's not really a sad cliché backstory or anything. It was as simple as him moving out, just that and nothing more.

" _Jesus_ , okay." Niall beams in awe at my enthusiasm. He clutches the back of my seat as he twists his body to reverse out of the parking lot. "It's a long drive compared to when we started, but if my princess wants to go then _all_ to fucking hell we'll go."

I stifle an honored laugh. "Aw, thank you. You don't have to though, you know. We could go somewhere closer. I can't imagine you driving what—how many hours all the way there? Eight or nine?" I want to take it back suddenly. "That's a _really_ long drive, Niall. You don't have to—"

"Kaya," Niall interjects. "I am very capable of driving, alright? And besides, this is a road trip after all. Driving hours on end is the whole purpose. You could even tell me to drive to New Mexico for God's sake. I don't mind."

I smile sheepishly, melting into my seat. "Why are you the best boyfriend ever?"

Niall raises the corner of his lips as he merges the vehicle into the highway. He looks at me, winks, and says, "Because you're my girlfriend."

Right then, a bell rings in my head and declares an announcement: there's no argument here, Niall Horan is certainly the best boyfriend in the history of the whole wide world.

The picture atop the dashboard is nothing but a boundless concrete of highway, the same gray asphalt and dull white dashes that mercilessly accompany it. I figure it's going to be our only view for an extended amount of time, so I might as well stare at it while it's there. I can't distract myself with anything else—as much as I'd like to read a good book or scroll social media, on account of being easily preyed upon by motion sickness. That one characteristic about me is appalling.

I'm bored.

I'd watch Niall if I could, but I refuse to divert his attention from looking forward at the road. He already gets sidetracked enough by constantly switching CDs or choosing playlists on his phone. From time to time, he'd use his thighs to drive while he takes that advantage to stretch his arms to the ceiling and I become warily terrified. I censure him about it, but he just laughs it off like the idiot he is.

"Don't worry, I've got talent!" He claims when I chastise him.

 _Talent my ass,_ I want to say. His complacency will inevitably kill us one day, this romance truly assassinating itself to something comically tragic.

I wasn't wrong when I predicted how long the journey would be across the golden state. It took us over nine hours, actually, due to the fact that we stopped for lunch at noon. The break pledged itself beneficial anyhow, for Niall's legs were desperately in need of a good stretch and my stomach growled for every billboard sign I'd seen that advertised food.

That stop took our schedule back a few hours, but we arrived in Santa Monica by evening time nonetheless—which, really, isn't all that bad. 

Any more hours with Niall in that enclosed vehicle and I might have willingly combusted. I can only listen to one album so many times before every song becomes overplayed and unbearable. I don't know how Niall can revel in nearly ten hours of the same songs, over and over and _over_ again.

I don't think The Eagles are releasing any new music; however, the other day, someone mentioned to me that 5 Seconds of Summer were coming out with a new album fairly soon. Niall was probably that said person, but never mind whom, I'll have to buy it when it does; not only for him but also to save the viability of my eardrums.

The sun is already going down when we officially reach our place and park the car. The clouds in the sky are noticeably trying to mask the bright yellow ball, but the summertime still enveloped us with its high temperature.

The sky painted itself a beautiful combination of pink and orange, add in a blend of yellow strokes that complimented the natural canvas. In the distance, a Ferris wheel stands beside a rollercoaster and it aids to conceive the respective landscape even better.

We arrived at the perfect time. The beach was welcoming us.

Heavily fascinated by my current visual, a picture to capture the view was my first objective when I jumped out of the car for the first time. Niall's still processing himself out of the vehicle, so I delve in my pocket and snag my phone, swiping the touchscreen to enable me to its camera. I raise the iPhone in the air with extended arms, snapping several images as I attempt at finding the best angle to capture the entire sight.

In the action, I hear a camera shutter that wasn't from my device, the matter I know doubtlessly because my phone is always on silent. I turn around.

It's Niall.

He himself is clutching his own iPhone in his two hands, whereas that phone of his is intentionally pointing at me.

"Did you just take a picture of me?" I ask him, sauntering to his side.

Niall's too occupied to answer, typing rapidly with the use of his thumbs while his tongue adorably sneaks out in the corner of his lips. I peek at his screen and I see the Instagram layout.

"Hold on," He says, finishing the caption. I want to read what it says but he purposefully obstructs my every chance. It's so unfair how many inches taller he is.

"Okay," He finally emits, lowering his cell in my direction. "Here."

Niall holds the phone while I look at the photo he's posted. As I'd previously questioned, it was a picture of my back—more specifically of me taking that one photo of the sky not too long ago. I know where this is leading to. My eyes fall to the caption and I read:

_niallhoran: she thought the sky was pretty, but i thought she was prettier_

I double over in laughter.

" _Really,_ Horan?" I heave in disbelief. "That's such an old thing to do, oh my goodness."

Niall has on a proud smile, but I know he's trying his best not to laugh. "It may be overused, but I saw the chance and I took it. It's very..." He glances at his phone,"— _aesthetic_."

"Ah, my cheesehead," I grasp Niall's hand, leading him away to walk. "Aesthetic? The sky picture? You've been on the internet too much. _And_ late on the trends."

I leave that topic at that, flattered by the motion despite the contrary. I neglect whatever other concern we may muster so that I can tread quickly to the beach, nearly too excited when I transition my feet into fast steps. Niall eventually runs to catch up to my brisk pace, begging me to slow down as he envelops himself into heavy breaths.

"Come on, old man, who's more physically fit now?" I shout at him behind me, dragging his hand along with his strenuous weight.

"Excuse you, did you forget how many hours I just drove?" He retorts. "Sorry princess, but my legs need a couple minutes to come back to me." He releases my hand, and seeing that we've entered the sand, he allows himself to fall back on the soft surface.

Those poor chicken legs of his. I'll give him that.

"Boohoo!" I mockingly tease him, continuing my fast strides forward.

Niall watches on from his lying spot as I fleet away and twirl myself into the air. I feel incredibly free, wishing I had the ability to miraculously grow wings on my back and fly directly into the mesmeric sunset.

I forgot to mention, but the beach is everything to me. From the waves of the sparkling ocean under the sun to the creamy sand under my feet, I admire every single thing. The ocean is my second home and I've always considered myself a mermaid from the amount of adoration my heart contained for the seaside.

I don't even have to be in the water, I can just lay on the sand and watch the very view and it would be enough. To hear every sound, the gulls soaring over our heads and the calmness of the waves washing over to meet the shore. I swear, I must've been a sea nymph in my past life.

"Earth to Kaya!" I hear Niall yell from behind, pulling me back to reality. 

I must've dozed off into a nautical daydream. I swiftly pivot my body and a bright flash greets me. 

"Good, beautiful." Niall is standing close by, the disposable camera in his hands. "That was a great shot."

Good thing I was smiling, save from that daydream expression I must've held.

"Okay, now let me do you." I gesture to the camera.

Niall gives it to me but grips it tightly when I make the move to take it. "You can definitely _do_ me." He wears a smug smile through his sarcasm, and I roll my eyes as he hands me the device.

My feet brush through the sand when I take backward steps, preparing to take his picture. "Pose like you're in a Hollister ad or something."

"Yes! I've always wanted to do this." Niall excites, and in the next minute, he's pulling his shirt over his head and he's half-naked again.

I scoff. "Do you have to get naked at every place we go?"

_Not that I'm complaining._

"You said pose like a Hollister model!" He defends, attempting to flex his muscles. I want to drool, honestly.

Niall's shirtless torso is glistening, the sun hitting his skin just perfectly, and there are abs forming at his stomach when he tightens his tendons. I don't appreciate his body enough, to be honest, because he's so fucking hot and it needs to be worshipped. Niall Horan should be honored. He should be photographed from every possible angle and hung on the largest digital billboard in New York City. There needs to be something done about this. It's a real world issue.

It absolutely doesn't help my emotional state of being when Niall throws his twisted shirt over his neck, holding them tightly up there as his brawny arms display out. He bends slightly back, the shirt wrung straight across his shoulders and his expression hotly gazing my way. A prideful smirk draws his lips.

He can't be serious.

"Are you gonna take my picture or are you just gonna silently imagine you're fucking me?" Niall deadpans, keeping solid to his obviously planned out posture.

I bite harshly on my bottom lip, attempting to hide my blushed cheeks. I've been found out.

"I'm taking it I'm taking it," I abjure to his lack of patience, raising the plastic camera to my right eye and pressing down on the button. It flashes, and a second passes before I signal Niall a thumbs up and he relaxes himself, slouching his body back to normal.

"That'll be a hot photo," Niall flings his shirt back on, sidling to me. "You can keep that one once we print it, put it on your wall so you've got something to look at if I'm away. Should you need a push when you touch yourself."

My jaw drops. "Niall!" I shove his chest. "Enough with the sexual remarks, you hormonal shit!"

Niall rubs his eye, glancing to the side. "You got me, I am horny. I actually woke up this morning with a boner. Can you imagine? I didn't want to bother you so I went in the woods and rubbed it out." He laughs, almost crying. "It was fucking hilarious."

I internally sigh. My boyfriend, everybody.

"I know." I reply, while a flashback of him running into the trees plays in my head.

"Speaking of that," Niall snakes his hand into mine as he initiates a path to the shore. "I actually masturbated to pictures of you when I was just thirteen."

At the confession, I halt in my steps and tug on our connected hands. "What the hell!?"

"I'm sorry, okay? I was beginning my transformation into manhood and you were the one person who created those kind of tingles in me." He concedes. "And it was during the summertime too, so you were always posting pictures of you and your friends at the pool. I orgasmed to thirteen year old you in a bathing suit."

I want to hurl myself into a tub of filthy hogs. I don't know if I should be lauded or angry.

"That..." I exhale in disbelief. "That I could've lived without knowing. I don't know what to think now, my thirteen year old self feels violated."

I'd never known Niall to be _this_ sexually frustrated until we got together. I guess he'd been hiding it all this time, only opening up that side of him to me recently.

A year ago today, I judged his character to be no less than a golden church boy; now, that judgement has changed completely. He's a horny beast behind that angelic façade he so expertly bears. He _is_ a man after all, so I guess there's something to be said for that hormonal nature.

"I'm sorry to your thirteen year old being, but I'm also not at the same time." Niall says, admittedly. "Those were the first orgasms of my life, and boy, were they fucking great."

What'd I just say about that beast?

I crouch down on the ground, folding my knees to conveniently use my free hand to dig in the sand. Niall remains standing upright at my side, keeping his stable grasp on my other hand.

"What'cha looking for?" He asks, tone permeated with true curiosity.

"Umm... remember when we went to the beach last year?" I ask, Niall nodding instantly in response. "And you walked me down to the shoreline, just like we are now? You were so drunk, you found a fiddler crab and almost cried when it dug itself in the sand."

A smile gradually fans on his face. "Yeah, yeah I do remember that. I splashed you and you got mad because it was cold." He pauses, hesitantly admiring the flashback. "And then I walked you back, wanting to kiss you so badly. But we weren't like this then, or at least, you weren't."

"You did kiss me, you fool." I bat a small fragment of sand on his leg. "You kissed me the next day, beer lips and all."

Niall bends his head to cackle. "Oh, good times."

"Yeah... I think that was when I really realized I was starting to like you." I admit, continuing my search in the sand. "Like, I kept telling myself I wasn't, that it was impossible, 'cause I never expected for us to be like that—like _this."_

"Why's that?" Niall finally lowers himself, folding his legs as well. He faces me and I read his serious emotion.

I purse my lips, plunging myself into a state of thoughts. I don't know the answer to that, until I do.

"Just... you and I were enemies. It was engraved in stone from the moment we were born. We grew up together, fighting and hating the other and so on. If you told thirteen year old me that I'd like you _this way_ five years from then, I never would've believed you. I probably would've given you the finger and pretended to vomit."

"What the hell, really?" Niall shakes his head, laughing shortly. "Kaya, you've written a completely different script from what I had. You've always casted me as this bad guy, but I never hated you. I know you hated _me_ , but I was far from that towards you."

"Obviously, you busted a nut over my innocent pictures."

"Okay!" Niall blurts out loud. "It happened, alright? I'm sorry, but I'm still not sorry about it."

I give him a face, my lips pouting in a frown. He sticks his tongue out at me.

The blond boy sighs subsequently. "Anyway, I've liked you since before I can even remember. Like I've said, my constant teasing in elementary school throughout the years afterwards were all because of that. You've always annoyed me from the beginning, but it was never to the extent that I hated you." He pauses to wait for me to speak, but I don't. So he continues.

"You were so mean to me, so selfish and just, plain mean. _Geez._

Then you start coming into my lane, making me think that I have you, but you drive off and come back again and again, stirring my feelings all over the place. You messed me up, fucked up my mind and yet, I still liked you." He shakes his head, looking off to the ocean but returning to my gaze not long after. "Do you get it? I can't make myself hate you even if you give me all the reasons. My conscious doesn't render me the possibility."

Throughout all that, my lips have closed in on a flushed smile and my face feels intangibly warm.

"All you said just now, it took me back to your confession that one night. I wish I had recorded that. You, in a suit, tears almost breaking from your eyes while you gave me that whole heart-feeling speech. _Oh my God,_ " I mockingly tease, the back of my hand armoring my forehead as I pretend to wheeze.

"You are so cruel," Niall glares at me, embarrassed. "I just came out to you with the deepest things and all you got from that is my lovesick confession."

"Okay, I'm sorry. What do you want to me to say? I never meant to play you, you know that." I oppose. "You should've just told me you liked me from the very beginning. I can't read your mind."

Niall shrugs. "I gave you all the clues, Kaya. I still can't believe you were naïve to every one of them."

"No," I shape a round hole in the sand, a bit of water starting to infiltrate through the dirt. "I just pushed them away. I told you, I couldn't accept the idea of you feeling that way for me. The very thought was over the lines of our cunningly fake friendship."

"You were wrong."

I draw the corner of my lips upwards, staring directly into Niall's contact. "Clearly."

He grins, scoffing a sly _yeah_ and joining me to dig. His big fingers scoop a larger amount from the opening, yet there is still nothing to be found in the wet sand. His lips purse in a frown.

"I don't think we'll find any of those crabs here, might as well give up." Niall stops digging, shifting to pat the mountain to the side of the burrowing that'd we'd tossed the dirt to.

"You're probably right."

"But you know, we _are_ on the beach and there's no one around," His voice alters to something raspier and coarse. "Let's fuck."

I choke on air and drop my head, laughing into my chest. "Damn it, Niall, I know this is an exclusive all-around-spontaneous-road trip, but I am not going to have sex with you here. I'd rather not have sand go in places where they shouldn't be."

Niall does that silent shoulder laugh. "I'm kidding, we've already checked off fucking outdoors anyway." He pivots his head to the sunset in the distance. "Let's go to the pier then, ride the Ferris wheel for old time's sake. And the roller coaster too, if you're up for it."

"You're kidding, I'm always up to ride that."

"Among other things." Niall quirks an eyebrow proudly.

I curse under my breath and shove him down, causing him to break his position and fall to the sandy floor.

...

Besides the fact that I made Niall give me a piggy back ride halfway through the jaunt, we sauntered alongside each other to the famous pier. 

We grab a pair of ice cream cones from a lovely shop to snack on in line to the Ferris wheel, seeing that the place is popular tonight with a horde of young people. With that, it takes almost half an hour to actually get on the ride but it's okay because I enjoy the vibrant scenery.

Niall swears that he won't carry on the tradition of threatening us to die once we're seated in a car. This seating is diverse from the Ferris wheel we ride at our yearly carnival anyway, since there's an awning at the top of the car and a strictly secure integument. Despite its safety, I'm still grateful that Niall and I can ride it without worrying about any lethal behavior.

See, in the years before when Niall and I rode the Ferris wheel, he'd shake the car violently to frighten me and obtain a pleasure of repugnant laughs. It was never funny for me, but he found some sort of cruel fun from doing so. I didn't exactly hate him before for invalid reasons.

This time, the ride is calm and comfortable. Niall sits next to me and together, we silently admire the view below us. 

At one point, he snags the disposable camera and we take a selfie to add on to the collection of our travels. And, at the top where the Ferris wheel meets the highest peak, we kiss, and every crevice in my brain thinks that this might be the best generation in the timeline of my life.

"Love you," Niall whispers the second after the kiss, his hot breath aerating on my lips and his nose touching mine.

I say it back, even though we say it so many times a day that we already know without telling the other.

When the car arrives at the floor and we're set to come off, Niall seizes my hand and we make our way to the roller coaster. He rushes on the way there, weaving through the crowd of people so we can immediately hold our place in line. This time, it's longer and I know it's going to be a while. There are railings to organize the queue into rows, so I lean on the metal to rest and give away some of my weight.

Niall and I indulge our phone screens to pass the time, but when we've come halfway to the line's end, we chat about our next stop on the trip. I suggest staying here and making up the rest of the time we have left, since it's so beautiful and there's no other place I'd rather be. Niall wants to go somewhere else, but he's not sure where so we decide we'll just let everything flow by itself. We'll think up something eventually.

I'm in the middle of laughing to something dirty Niall's just said, when I'm suddenly fired upon by an unknown person. It all happens so fast, and I don't know who this person is, when the tall figure envelops me in their arms for a tight hug.

Okay, what the hell?

Finally, that said person lets go of me and pulls back, and I'm more than thankful to have my body to myself once again. 

The figure materializes into a young man about my age, black hair atop his head and tanned skin to create his bulky person. I've never seen him in my life, and both Niall and I stand with the most bewildered expressions.

"Bethany? Holy shit, I haven't seen you in so long!" He proclaims, his grey eyes gazing expectantly at me.

I knit my eyebrows. "Um, who? I'm not..." I stagger, and the guy forms a realization on his face.

"Wait, you're not—" His eyes widen so big I'm afraid they'll fall out. He cups his mouth. "Oh fuck, you're not Bethany?" He mutters more curse words, evidently astonished. "I'm so sorry, you look like a friend of mine... like, literally just like her. I can't believe this."

"It's fine." I release a closed-lipped smile.

" _God,_ is this even possible? Are you twins or something, because I don't remember her having a twin."

"No," I chuckle artificially. "I don't have any siblings."

I switch my eyes to Niall standing a few feet away, and I give him a confused face, shrugging my shoulders. The guy, who might just be a little too close to me, doesn't notice and initiates to continue the conversation.

"Oh, I guess it's like that one saying where you're supposed to have like, seven other people in the world who look exactly like you. You catchin' what I'm puttin' down?"

"Yeah, yeah I've heard that!" I respond, nodding my head.

"Jesse!" A man shouts from further down the queue and the boy in front of me turns his head. "Hold on!" He yells back, then goes back to me. "Nice meeting you, um...?"

"Kaya,"

"Yes, Kaya." His expression rises. "Again, so sorry. That was entirely my bad."

"Hey, no, it's okay. I got you."

The boy nods, smiles, and rotates his body to rush back to his group of friends. I stand blank, taking a minute to process the sudden situation.

Niall sidles next to me. "That was interesting," He says.

I nod. "T'yeah, it was. There's someone else out there who looks identical to me, apparently. I don't know how to feel about that."

"Don't worry, you're probably the hotter doppelganger." He states, and I notice his eyes that are scanning that tall boy in the line.

Jesse—his name as I've learned—keeps turning his head and glancing at me, and I pretend not to acknowledge the action. As handsome as he is, I wish he wouldn't keep doing that.

The queue moves in time, and we're bound to be the next set of people to get on the connected pairs of cars. 

I follow behind Niall as we're seated on the fourth row, the bars gradually setting down on our laps. An employee pats on all of the passengers' bars down the row, before the car begins to move and the ride starts.

"I'm so excited," I tell Niall, and he grabs my hand to entwine his fingers into mine. I chuckle. "Are you scared?"

"No."

The car pulls us into a sharp left immediately and my hair flows right in my face. We're surging in the air the next moment, the ride heaving us with its fast momentum. People adjoined us are screaming, shouting into the coming night and I savor every twist and turn the roller coaster brings.

Niall, on the other hand, is one of those people screaming. His _wooing_ fades into everyone else's screams and since he's right beside me, his shouts are the only humane sounds I hear other than the harsh rails of the metal under us. I hold his hand firmly and watch him for the rest of the time, fondly gazing on to his carefree sounds of genuine happiness and joy.

"Get ready for this—put your arms in the air with me," He says when we approach the drop of the roller coaster.

His arms flee upwards to the sky and so do mine, and together we shout into the void as the car descends us and my stomach drops, a slight burn taking form but disappearing just as fast as it comes.

Sadly, after that is already the end of the ride. Niall hops out of the car first, giving me his hand when he's settled on his feet. I take it, and he helps me to come off and we head towards the exit.

"God, that was so awesome. I'd ride it again if the line wasn't so fucking long!" Niall hollers, swinging my hand with his from the adrenaline. "I love roller coasters so much—"

"Kaya!" A shout halts Niall from continuing, along with our fast steps.

Simultaneously, we pivot our heads and that boy Jesse is coming into view, rushing as if I'll run away to avoid him.

I accidentally let go of Niall's hand without thinking, and before I can grab it again, he's buried it in his jeans' pocket.

"Hey, sorry," Jesse gasps for breath, holding his knees. "I thought about telling my friend Bethany that I'd seen her clone, but I realized she would never believe me." He inhales a breath. "So, I was wondering if you'd take a picture with me or something. Is that okay?"

"Uh," I stammer, feeling my body disintegrate. "Sure, I guess."

"Okay cool," The boy takes his phone and searches around. He's come alone, so his friends must've gone off somewhere. "Bro, will you take our picture?" He extends his phone to Niall, and it takes a minute for Niall to come back to reality and nod his head.

Jesse stands right on my side, snaking his arm on top of my shoulders and leaning inwards. I remain motionless, my position straight and plain as a pencil. Niall steps back and angles the phone at us, and I allow a small awkward smile when he takes our photo.

"Wow thanks a lot," Jesse says to me when Niall hands him his phone. "I'm sorry if I troubled you guys with that, I'm just so amazed." He raises his device to the air and waves, starting to walk backwards. "See you around, hopefully. Bye!"

I wave him back and seconds later, he's vanished into the dark shadows of people.

"Hopefully _not._ " Niall arrives at my side, where he'd previously been until Jesse came.

"What, why? He seemed like a nice guy." I reply, though regretting I said it almost instantly.

"'Course you'd say that, the fucker's been flirting with you since before we got on the roller coaster. And you flirt back, batting your eyelashes at him and," He slouches his shoulder dramatically, " _he he he,_ laughing at everything he says."

My face falls. "No, don't mistaken my politeness for flirting. I couldn't just tell him to fuck off, okay? I'm not that kind of person."

"Yeah? You made no move to show him I was your boyfriend? You pushed my hand away right when he came, and you didn't even acknowledge my existence. I was like a brick wall standing nearby." Niall initiates to walk, refusing to meet my gaze.

"What?" I loudly emit to his back, following. "Niall, you can't be mad at me just from talking to some guy." I'm pissed. "Do you realize how childish and overbearing that is?"

Niall freezes on his feet. Given the chance, I go right in front of him and block his path. He glares.

"I don't know what you want me to say, but I'm not apologizing." I tell him, standing my ground. "I didn't do anything wrong."

"Whatever." Niall breathes, staring off over my shoulder. He's probably not even listening to what I'm saying.

I seize his hand and firmly hold it. "Don't do this. It's not even a big deal, or a deal at that. You're overreacting over nothing." I use my other hand to push his face and make his eyes look directly at me. I hate when he doesn't meet my eyes when I'm talking to him. "Look at me, don't read my kindness wrong."

His blue eyes land on me, the color in them softening. "Okay."

I crane my neck forward, raising my eyebrows. "Okay? What do you mean _okay?_ "

"Okay," Niall repeats, "okay, _like_ , I'm sorry." He barely squeaks out.

I stand on my tippy toes to balance the height of his face to mine. "What'd you say? I couldn't quite hear you there."

Niall rolls his eyes, but returns to me and reaches forward to quickly leave a peck on my mouth. "Not saying it again."

"Don't say it and I won't let you kiss me ever again."

"That's unfair." He says, and I smirk. "Mm' sorry, alright? I get jealous easily, you know that. I know I'm being dramatic but he was clearly hitting on you and I'm not about to tolerate it right in front of me."

"Niall—" I'm interrupted by his lips stealing another kiss. "Niall!"

He grins slyly. "Forget it, let's go get something to eat. I'm hungry as hell," He grabs my hand and begins to stroll, taking me with him. "Should we eat here? I don't know any of these food joints."

I look around the pier and spot a few restaurants. "It's probably mostly seafood, are you feeling something fishy tonight?"

"Fishy?" Niall takes a step and stops, turning his head to me. "Sure, let's go back to my car and I'll eat you out. Fishy pussy?"

I gasp in incredulity. _"Niall!"_


	5. Chapter 5

**N**

It's funny, this thing that people call love. I've always wanted to believe that in it is magic and everything everlasting, but realistically it's not. Love isn't faultless. It's such a perfect word when it's portrayed elsewhere; on TV, in books, in people... but love is still a part of nature, and like everything in that category, it expires. 

As humans, we can attempt to break from the bounds of nature but we can't. We scientifically do not possess the power to break the laws of the universe.

Unless of course, you find someone who makes you forget all of that. Someone who imposes you to think that love is everything you'll ever need to survive—even without food or water—throughout anything nature throws at you to destroy your faith in a perfect love. Someone who makes you believe that you can defy everything wrong with love and make it eternally great.

I'll take what I can get, and I'm going to protect that passion with everything that creates me.

Perhaps I'm in the honeymoon phase of falling in love and that overtaking emotion has indoctrinated my every sensual thought and understanding, but I don't mind it. My friends would mock me endlessly if they ever heard these thoughts inside my head, call me _whipped_ or whatever other repelling words.

Honestly, fuck them.

Like I said, I don't care. I can only wish for them to one day, possibly, find a significant other who makes them feel this indescribable euphoria its brought me. When they find that _one_ person who devises fireworks at the tips of their fingers, they won't be laughing at me then.

If not, that's too much of their loss. There's a peculiar fascination engraved in this emotion, and that very ineffable thing brings me a high that I can't imagine any drug to ever deliver. It may come close, but it'll never achieve the exact capacity.

That same fascination is lying next to me, tangled up in the white hotel sheets and the beauty of her long brown hair that cascades over her shoulders. She's fast asleep, although it's nearly noon and there are pieces of the sun wandering on certain parts of her face. The daytime is successfully peeking through the closed curtains, almost as if it's trying to regain her consciousness.

I raise my hand to block the light, to draw a dark shadow on her face and attempt at letting her continue her peaceful slumber. She's beautiful like that, every edge of her character carefully painted through her rested eyelashes and the lines of her tanned skin that sketched out her small and fragile figure. 

Even the dreaming state of her mind transmits through the room, because everything about her reminded me of a dream; a perfect alternate universe where I sometimes believe is the only location she exists in. I want to hold her, want to take her in my arms to make sure she's real and that she never disappears.

But I don't. I keep still. I don't want to wake her.

So I just watch.

I've cursed myself to hell a long, long time ago. I've already figured myself out and accepted that I am, as a matter of fact, deeply in love with this girl. I don't know how I got here, don't know when my heart began to flutter at the sound of her laugh, nor when I sacrificed my pride to make sure that she's genuinely happy every minute of everyday. My mind can't bear a time when I don't think about her. 

In truth, I've known her all my life and I've loved her for most of it.

There are a million various reasons why my heart carries those passions, whether it be the way her brown eyes smile at me or how she finds the good in every bad side of my being. She's my best friend, my girlfriend, and the person who understands every crook of my disposition. I don't know who I'd be without her.

_Jesus Christ._

I'm losing myself in a labyrinth of cheesy thoughts. When did I become like this? Kaya pulls that character out of me. She brings it out so boldly that I forget how to act sane. I lose the memo that I'm still a real person with real obligations, a man whose got to firmly plant his traits down to make certain that he keeps himself together.

But, _by God_. She's fucking beautiful. Who cares if she destroys me? It'd be my pleasure.

I can't remember how long I stare at her. There's just something really serene about her when she's dreaming. She looks so carefree and relaxed, worrying about absolutely nothing except for the fantasy playing in her head.

Frankly, I love watching her just because. I don't even mean to most of the time. Something about her makes me lose all focus and realization that time is still happening and that the world hasn't frozen for me to _just_ stare at her.

My phone vibrates and shakes me out of my mind, and I blink once before I turn away from Kaya and check the notification. It's from Louis, he'd been texting me for the past hour. I almost forgot about him.

**From: Tommo**

**wut, road trip?? and u didnt invite me... i am deeply hurt >:(**

I silently chuckle upon reading the message. Using my thumbs, I proceed to text the idiot back.

**To: Tommo**

**its just for me and kaya, you shit. you can join us next time**

Not a second passes as a blue bubble replies on his side.

**From: Tommo**

**ohhh so, a honeymoon basically? thats cute. ur forreal in love, aha. happy 4 u nialler!!! have fun :P**

I allow a small smile as I close the chat. A honeymoon? I mean, sure, I guess. He can call it what he may. I deny the idea, but it still doesn't stop the tangent of elated bubbles in my stomach though.

Dropping the phone back on the bed, I revert my gaze to my sleeping girlfriend. 

We're currently on an impetuous road trip, previously being in Santa Monica yesterday and so on. And let me tell you, it really has been an adventurous excursion that's promised itself a bounty of fun happenings. I'd relive the first night if I could.

Anyway, we had set to explore downtown Los Angeles today, except we can't really do that when she still hasn't awoken. She miserably holds the habit of sleeping in until the sun already means to go down, and it's a struggle that I've learned to accept just recently. Which, is why it's miserable.

I'm in a dilemma. She portrays such a perfect comfortable angel in her dormant state and therefore, I don't want to wake her. However, the day is passing by with every hour that we lose and she needs to get up. I don't know what to do. I want to watch her like this forever but it's also almost 1 in the afternoon.

I take another glimpse of her shut eyelids and sigh heavily to myself.

Fuck it, I'll let her sleep.

Slowly, to make sure that I don't shift the mattress to bother her, I slide up from under the thick duvet and hop out of bed. My feet plot the ground and I stand upright, quickly scanning back to her person to see if she's woken. She's still soundly out of it.

I'll never believe how she manages to sleep this long. Then again, we _had_ ridden through the state of California in one day. She had the opportunity to sleep in the vehicle for I was the one who drove, yes, but my loud singing is at fault for keeping her up.

My bad. I get a bit too enthusiastic sometimes.

There's a large full body window in this hotel room that provides a breath-taking view of the city. I saunter to it, my feet pressing silently on the carpet floor as I reach the fastened curtains. I bury my face in the opening where the two edges of fabric meet, and I can view the outside without letting the bright sunlight evade the room.

Downtown Los Angeles is certainly a gorgeous landscape to take in.

I'm glad that I had stuck only my face to the window glass, because I'm merely clothed in just a pair of white briefs and I don't think the neighboring skyscrapers of LA would've appreciated _that_ view as much as I did them. Thankfully, the curtains conceal the rest of my body.

It's a bit high up where I'm situated, and there's most likely ten or more floors to the bottom but I'm still capable of seeing the crowds of busybodies and vehicles rushing on the streets below. 

A massive truck comes to a halt at a stoplight, and there's a phrase alongside a picture of formal dresses advertised on its back that captures my attention.

"Dress For Less!" it says, and the scheme of the clothing attire sparks a notion in my head.

I smirk involuntarily and whisper a _yes!_ as I watch that same truck drive away in between tall buildings until it completely vanishes. I've just been struck with the greatest idea.

My lips fold into a close-lipped smile, excited about what I'd just perceived. I pull the curtains together to close them tightly, and then I speed to the bathroom and jump in the shower.

Kaya is gratefully still snoozing when I'm finished, and I search for a notepad on the provided desk beside the TV set. A pen sits next to it.

_goodmorning, should you wake up, ive gone out but ill be back soon. hearts and kisses, princess :) xxx_

I paste the written note on the nightstand on her side of the bed, and after one quick glance of her prettily snug face, I veer my feet towards the door and make my way out.

...

My parents earn a generous amount of money, and for that reason, they always send more than enough allowance into my bank account every month. It's more cash than I'd ever need for an eighteen year old, so I've learned to save most of it up over time. 

My savings is probably filtering with piles of green paper and I barely withdraw amounts to make a dent in the mountain. I don't appreciate my parents' absence, though this situation definitely calls beneficial for that pitiful endowment.

Standing in the ever so high luxury _Yves Saint Laurent_ , my hands don't sweat at the price tags; however, I'm abruptly paralyzed because I haven't really thought this through. 

I'm not much of a shopper myself, never mind the fact that it's for another person and a female at that. It may not be as hard as I think though, because Kaya will most likely look great in about anything.

I browse the women's section, albeit attempting to be as nonchalant as I can. An employee looks me on but I ignore her gaze to escape the chance of her asking for my need of assistance. I've got this all myself.

There are various styles of dresses, but I presume as it _is_ summertime, I should choose one that's designed to reveal some skin. (That's the only reason, really.) The schemes of some of these fabric patterns don't seem to be fitting for Kaya's sense of character though, what with their fancy vivid colors and whatsoever.

I lead myself out of that aisle but soon find a set of simple yet hot and casual ones at a back wall. These dresses look nearly the same, just different colors and tiny details that separate one from the other. They're short enough to stop above the knees, tight on the overall body to display the person's figure, and strapped to the top but cut at the shoulders. I've found it.

But, black or white? God, I don't know.

Kaya already owns a little black dress that she so proudly teases me with, so I may go with the white. I think she'll appreciate the way the sun doesn't reflect off the white as it would with the darker hue.

"Shopping for your girlfriend?" A voice starts behind me.

I take the dress off the rack and gradually face the ardent employee. She's a middle aged woman, posh and class with her appearance as the store requires her to be.

"Yeah." I reply.

"Ah, you've chosen a popular piece of apparel there. But with the dress comes the bottoms as well—which boyfriends don't usually tend to remember. Let me do you a favor, yes?" She makes a move to walk off, and I assume she's expecting me to follow. Alright then.

She guides me to another glass wall, and I come to find that she's taken me to rows of white shelves that boldly present women's footwear.

Oh, right. Bless this lady.

"Let's see, a pair to match that dress..." She peers her eyes over the shoes, a mix of heels and boots and many more I can't name.

With the tip of her index finger pressed to her folded lips, she allows an _ah!_ and wills herself to reach forward towards a pair of black heels.

"No," I swiftly but lightly exhale. I narrow my eyes and tilt my head. "I don't think she's very fond of tall heels."

Knowing Kaya, I'd known for my life that she's never been one to enjoy 6 inches of height apart from her own.

"Oh alright, no problem there." The woman releases her attention from her selected pair. "How about, erm, a little bit less heel?" She points to a pale pink pair of heels with gold embedded at the rounded point.

My eyebrows raise. I don't know a lot about shoes, but those actually look more than befitting. The heels can't be any more than an inch or more, so it's quite perfect for what I presume Kaya would wear.

At that moment, something imaginary snaps at me in the middle of my deliberation. I inwardly chuckle to myself after a realization strikes me, because I cannot for my soul believe that I'm shopping this carefully for a girl. Kaya better be impressed by this.

"Yeah, I'll take those." I say, nodding my head and taking the shoes when the lady hands them to me. I tell her _thanks,_ and then I move further along to the men's side of the store.

Dress draped over my arm and shoes in hand, I hunt for a nice outfit for myself as well. 

That part doesn't deem itself as difficult, as I easily find a white button-up shirt with black wavy strokes and a dark pair of skinny jeans. I don't feel the need to try them on, because I'll either look incredibly hot in them or incredibly awful, and Kaya's going to have to accept me for whichever _incredible_ choice nevertheless.

Okay, I'll be honest, I'm not worried. I look good in everything.

Of course, if Kaya's getting shoes, I'm getting shoes too. So I choose a black pair of Chelsea boots, and I pay for the lot at the register not long after. The total rings to a few thousand dollars or more, I don't know, it doesn't matter so I don't worry. I just swipe my card and that's a go.

On my way back, I stop at a coffee shop and pick up two frappes and croissants. I eat mine as I drive the half hour it takes to get to the hotel, and once there, I advance to the resort's gift shop and purchase a sweet-smelling bouquet of multicolored flowers.

I take the elevator to the floor where our room resides, and upon reaching our door in the middle of the long corridor, I silently sit the _Yves_   _Saint Laurent_ bag, the food, and the flowers right next to each other and hurriedly walk away. There may be a little song and dance occurring as I stride off, but I feel really good about this so I can't help it.

Back in the elevator, I dig my phone from my pocket and proceed to send Kaya a text message.

**To: Princess K**

**are you up? something's waiting for you outside the room door ;)**

I tap my feet impatiently and bite on my fingernails as I gaze at the chat on my phone screen. By the time I receive a reply, the lift has arrived at the lobby and I walk out. 

**From: Princess K**

**NIALL??? What is all this???**

I chuckle with a smile.

**To: Princess K**

**just giving my baby what she deserves. i hope you like them. be ready in an hour, ok? see you then x**

This hotel has a massive lobby, including restaurants, shops, arcades, and a movie cinema, so I locate a waiting chair at the front and take a seat. I might as well get comfortable. 

My own new clothes sit in my Saint Laurent bag beside me, and I conclude that I'd change into them before I set to get Kaya from the room.

Just as I've settled in a couple minutes later, I receive a text from said person in the midst of a round of Candy Crush.

**From: Princess K**

**What the hell, SAINT LAURENT??!??**

My eyebrows knit together. I thumb a reply.

**To: Princess K**

**yes, what about it? if its the money, dont worry about it. ill spoil you if i want to.**

I quickly propel another message.

**To: Princess K**

**this is only the beginning ;)**

A minute later, a blue loading bubble pops up from her side of the chat, and the corner of my lips draw upwards in anticipation.

**From: Princess K**

**Damn it, Horan. Stop being such a good boyfriend. You're ruining me.**

Something squirms in my chest right when I read the last word. There's a triumphant point in that for me.

**To: Princess K**

**you've already ruined me, so i have to get back at you. its only fair.**

A reply comes almost as fast as my message sends.

**From: Princess K**

**K. Jumping in the shower now, then. Gonna think about you, naked and all. See you in an hour ;)**

I bite down on my bottom lip at that. _Jesus fucking Christ_ , she's pushing me. It takes every fighting willpower in my conscience to hold myself from running up to the room and leaping into that shower. 

I can't believe how much it bears me to imagine her touching herself because of me. I know she isn't, and that she was just teasing me, but still. She gave me the idea and now I'm in pain. I'm honestly screwed for my life.

For a long second, I read her message over again until I urge myself to put my phone away. There are several thoughts meandering my head but I choose to dismiss them. 

Instead, I conceive the plans for tonight. I hadn't really prepared anything yet, but now that I think about it, I should probably get a move on. So I pull away from that chair and initiate to bring my ideas into action.

When it comes to be five minutes before I'm supposed to meet Kaya, I knock on our hotel door, new clothes already on and my hair fixed to the best of my ability. (The mini-sized hair gel from the gift shop can only get me so far.) 

I unbutton the top buttons of my shirt and blow out a gush of air. The door then opens completely and I want to take back that exhaled air I had released.

"Hi," Kaya beams, holding the door and locking away my knowledge of how my lungs are supposed to respire.

The girl in front of me is so beautiful that my eyes feel abused. 

As expected, the dress I'd bought her really did hang tightly onto her skin and shape her figure without reservation. Her legs, bare and all, displayed to the world from under the fabric and led to the pink and gold heels at her feet. 

I deliver my eyes back to her face and I wish I hadn't, because altogether she looks even hotter and I want to pull her in the room and keep her to myself.

"Fucking hell, your body is a weapon." I grunt in frustration.

Kaya giggles cutely. "You're too much, Niall. You've been gaping at me like I'm a piece of steak."

"Have I? Sorry, can't help it." I chuckle, moving forward to put my arms around her waist and smell her neck. She smells clean and sweet. "I planned to take you out tonight but I kinda just wanna stay in and do very dirty things to you instead."

"Stop," She squeezes her body inwards, melting under my touch. "Save it for later, you look hot as hell and it'd be a waste if I kept you in the room looking like you do."

At that, I pull back and laugh. "You want to show me off, but I don't want anyone else to see you like this. What should we do?"

"We—" Kaya slyly pushes me out of the room and closes the door behind her, "—should go before we both go a little crazy."

I groan. She takes my hand and focuses her brown eyes at me while we stand in the empty and quiet corridor.

"Alright, let's go then." I say, and she draws her lips up.

Hand in hand, we start towards the elevator at the end of the hall and Kaya leans her head on my shoulder as we walk.

"Did you pick this dress yourself?" She asks.

"Yeah, I got it earlier this afternoon when I was gone. I thought I'd let you sleep in, so I went shopping." I snake my arm around her neck and pull her to my side. "D'ya miss me?"

Kaya extends her index finger to my face and bops me on the nose. "Of course. And the gifts were great, I was really flattered. Thank you."

I crane my neck towards her and smile. "No problem, anything for you. Just wait until you see what's coming."

"Tonight?"

"Yep." I wink, pressing the _1_ button in the lift and watching the doors close.

When we arrive at the lobby, I lead Kaya through held hands to the front of the hotel where vehicles are busily coming and going. Valet men are rushing around the cars, and as a van passes, my rented car appears just on time and I signal Kaya to look in the direction of the coming limousine.

Her jaw drops. I grin.

"No fucking way," She utters, switching her perception from me and the long black car repetitively. She finally keeps her eyes on me. "Niall James Horan, you didn't—"

The chauffeur appears from the limo and quickly opens the back door for us. I stride forward and present Kaya with a hand to the awaiting opening. "I did," I say. "Get in, princess."

"Oh my God." Kaya obeys and gradually makes her way into the car. 

I jump in right after her and we sit in the middle of the empty wide seats. There's a TV, a bar, and twinkling lights on the ceiling and Kaya is gaping at all of it. I've never seen her more astonished.

The car door shuts close and the outside noises vanish, and Kaya is pinching the bridge of her nose when I look back at her.

"Are you okay?" I chuckle.

"I'm... I'm just overwhelmed." She shakes her head. "This is too much. You've already spent so much on me and now a freaking limo?!" I shrug, not knowing what to say. So she continues. "And knowing you, this probably isn't the end of it, is it?"

I sandwich her hand in both of mine and gaze directly into her eyes. Smiling, I admit, "No, there's more for us tonight. I'm giving you the full royal experience for dinner."

" _Niall._ " She says in a tone that I know is almost angry but not totally.

"Don't worry about anything. About money or whatever else. There's nothing you can say or do to stop me."

"I know," Kaya relaxes her shoulders. "I just..."

Before she has the chance to continue, I reach towards her face and hold her cheek. The car begins to drive, but it doesn't stop me from giving her a long unmoving kiss.

"Just sit back and enjoy the ride," I say when I pull away from her lips. I seize one of the wine glasses and a bottle of champagne from the mini bar. "Want a drink?"

Kaya's eyebrows raise. "Are we even allowed? We're underage."

I shake my head and give her a silly face. "Nah, I have my ways." I proudly state. "So, champagne?"

"Fine." She gives in, smirking. I cackle.

We drink a small amount of the liquor for the remaining time of the ride, just enjoying each other's presence and the view of LA from outside the windows. 

The car halts at the first scheduled place half an hour later, and I take Kaya's hand to assure her that we're getting off. She seems confused, but it entertains me the better.

"We're at Hollywood Boulevard. Just a little stop before dinner. Fancy a walk to see the stars?" I say, and she closes her lips into a smile in response.

By stars, I had meant the famous Walk of Fame that engraved over a mile of sidewalk space on this street. Kaya already seems to know without me having to tell her. I can't remember if she's ever been here before, since we've lived in California all our lives, but I did know this was one place we couldn't skip. We are road tripping the golden state after all.

"Oh my goodness, everyone's gonna think we're famous." Kaya exclaims when the chauffeur opens the car door for us.

I jump out of the vehicle first and as she'd said, I notice on lookers watching our direction. Some of them amuse me, for their faces deem confused expressions that are obviously questioning my character to determine if I'm some celebrity or not. I don't know about Kaya, but I am certainly enjoying this little bit of limelight.

"Hand, m'lady?" I extend myself towards my girlfriend in the limo, and when she grabs it, I help her out and keep her hold.

The chauffeur drives himself away, just a quick text to summon his return handy in my sake for later on. 

I take Kaya to the big stars embossed under our feet, filled with several celebrities that we recognize and some that we don't. I especially take pictures of her with our disposable camera with the stars of Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, and many more.

"Yo, Chuck Norris!" I gasp when we approach his star. "It's the legend himself!" Kaya sends me an odd face but I beg her to take my picture with the plaque anyway.

After that, we stroll around the attractions on the street and absorb the surfer scenery that is California and its abundance of palm trees and rugged green hills. We even come up to the perfect highland to foresee the Hollywood sign, and obviously, we take a picture to append to our soon-to-be album of this summer's memories.

When the sun disappears from the sky and the night life begins to materialize, I conclude that our time here is over and I text our chauffeur to will himself a return. 

Eventually, we're back in the limo and are en route to the last place I'd prepared for the night.

It's a 5 star restaurant that I'd researched earlier in the day, when I was in the hotel waiting for Kaya to get ready. The place is titled _Providence_ and I'd even read the online reviews to make sure it's everything to meet the standards of a rich and luxurious dine I was looking for. The amazement in the sparkles of Kaya's widened eyes verify my conformity when we enter the eatery. 

Hand in hand, I guide her into the dim-lit space contained with massive chandeliers on the ceiling and tables covered with white cloth, the walls and floors outlined in aristocratic architecture while a man softly plays a piano in the background to complete the elegant setting.

"Table for two, sir?" A host greets us upon entering, two menus already in hand and a long napkin hanging from his forearm.

I answer his question with a simple _yeah,_ and thereafter we're following him to a booth whose seating is produced from a peculiar, red velvety fabric. I sit across from Kaya, and I grin when I realize she's still beaming at her surroundings.

"Your waiter will be with you soon," The host informs us. "Feel free to enjoy this bottle of Leeuwin Chardonnay as well."

The young man takes his leave after I bid him a _thank you,_ and I grasp the bottle of fine wine and pour it on Kaya's and I's empty wine glasses. I look at Kaya once I'm done, and her eyes bulge at me as I take a sip of the sweet alcoholic beverage.

"I can't believe what's happening right now, this place is so posh." Kaya states. "Niall, you've outdone yourself tonight. I know I asked you a long time ago for a nice first date, but this—this is mad."

I prop my chin on my hand, my elbow sitting on the table. "It's a place fit for a princess." I gaze right at her, absorbing every minuscule that created her person. She's so ethereal; her hair, her eyes, her nose, her mouth, her body, her every other thing. She's a royal without the crown.

She smiles widely at me and it's all I need to feel truly and purely happy.

We order our entrees when our waiter arrives, Kaya choosing salmon and I with the restaurant's prime rib special. It's a lot of food for just the two of us, having an appetizer of warm honey rolls right before it and not to mention the bountiful sides that accompany the meals. Anyhow, we eat what we can and chat through the night.

Even after hours pass, and our plates are taken away, we remain chatting and drinking the provided exquisite wine.

In the midst of our laughter, the piano stops playing and a band clambers to the stage where they begin to sing a series of classic old love songs. Kaya and I watch them for a while, but then a song I recognize starts to kick in, and holy shit, the first notes of _Best of my Love_ by The Eagles starts to play and I widen my eyes.

Kaya doesn't seem to be fazed, until I scoot out of the booth and land on my feet. There are couples filing to the mini dance floor set up near the stage, and God kill me if she doesn't expect me to dance along to this song.

"Where are you—" She raises her eyebrows curiously, but I bow and show her my hand and it stops her mid-sentence.

"May I have this dance?" I dramatically request, and she blushes before accepting and taking my hand.

I steer her to the dance floor, laughing on our path to join a few other old couples.

The lead man sings the first lyrics of the song, and I take that signal to put my hand on Kaya's waist and connect my other hand to hers, our hold floating in the air. She puts her other hand on my neck and stares at the ground, most likely laughing internally at our couple-at-prom style of swaying to the slow romantic music.

"Ohhh oh ohhh, sweet darling, you get the best of my love," I sing along, causing Kaya to giggle at me bashfully.

"You get the best of my love," Kaya sings the next line, looking straight at me in a mocking manner. I just laugh.

"Mind if I spin you?" I whisper in her ear, still dancing slowly and surely.

"Go on ahead, prince charming."

I chuckle, but I pull back and twirl her around through my stretched arm. She magnetically comes back to me instantly, and we both laugh in triumph at our childish and cliché demeanor.

We continue to dance along, and Kaya connects both of her arms around my neck and I do the same at her waist. We sway slowly together to the rest of the song, me singing passionately to the lyrics and enjoying the privilege of holding her to myself.

Kaya and I aren't very good dancers, and we're very aware of it because we'd stumble over the other's foot every now and then. Even so, we continue for a few more numbers, and as I gaze into her brown eyes, I can feel every piece of my heart falling into place.

Like I'd said earlier, love isn't perfect, but if you find that one person who tosses away the faults that nature may impel at you, it can be the best and most wonderful emotion you can ever encounter.

Thanks to the girl in my arms, I've discovered that perfect love and I couldn't feel any more like the luckiest man in the world.

"Thank you for a great night," Kaya starts, and I shake my head at her words.

"No," I decline. _"Thank you."_


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Warning: This chapter is mostly smut. Literally. Again, if you're not with it, go ahead and skip. It's still part of the plot though, so if you're not into reading smut, just remember this chapter for Niall & Kaya's hot sexy time ;) hehe)

"Remember," Niall snarls hotly in my ear, his hand slithering over my inner thigh, "earlier this afternoon when you said to _save it for later?_ "

Oh man, how did I not see this coming?

"Niall, _God,_ I love this," I gasp, his fingers reaching underneath my dress as he comes closer and closer to my underwear, "but not in this poor guy's limo!" I clasp my hand on his and push it away.

"Why not? I rented the car, so we technically have all the right to do whatever we want in it."

"Right, but _this_ ," I wave my hand in the air to present our current space in the empty car. "This is his means of money, this is what he uses to put food on the table. And you want to flop sex on that dinner?"

Niall bursts into laughter, as if he can't believe what I've just said. "What? I'm sure that's not how the limo business works. Like, this guy probably gets assigned different limos to drive everyday."

"Well, I'm sure his boss will appreciate less sexual happenings in his vehicles!" I exclaim.

"Alright _, okay!_ " Niall surrenders his hands in the air, "I won't!"

Niall can't tell, but I'm laughing devilishly in my head. He's keeping his eyes on me and I know he's craving filthy touches for his hands but he's forcing himself not to do anything. It's funny to me, because if I heave myself into an amused state, I can almost imagine the right side of his face twitching.

I don't blame him though, since the night has most likely caused the gears of his hormonal machine to spin rapidly fast to the point of self-combustion. He'd taken me on the most extravagant date I'd probably ever have in my life, and he even bought me a tightly fitting dress to sport myself for it all.

Okay, yeah, there is some fault for this on his line.

If I recall correctly, he had also drank most of the liquor from our dinner as well. It was some expensive wine vinified from the refined farms of Australia itself—as said exactly by our waiter—and I wasn't very fond of its cinnamon piquancy as much as Niall was. There's a better amount of alcohol circulating in his veins, so. You can guess how that's going for him.

I smirk at him, enjoying every bit of his torture. He's to blame for choosing such a revealing dress.

"Because I'm sympathetic, I'll hold back on this ride." Niall fakes a smile, putting his hands on his lap.  "But once we get back to that hotel room," His voice groans, thick and raspy. "You better believe I'll ruin you."

My eyebrows raise at the bluntness of his statement. Something about it causes a ripple to pummel through my body, and now I wish to hell we were rambunctious enough to count sex in a limo as ethically acceptable. I'd already pushed it off though, and I don't want to frighten our chauffeur either.

"I'm _so_ scared," I meet eye contact with Niall, and I hold our gaze solid and stronger than it seems possible. 

His eyes narrow smaller, inducing to raise the corner of his lips gradually into a smirk, and I swear to God the intense blue in his eyes are electrifying me.

"You should be."

I blink once. He's still staring just as fiercely as before.

"What're you thinking?" I finally break the tension sitting between us. Or, a little bit of it at least. There's still that frightening hunger lingering in our perpetual gaze.

Niall painfully bites his bottom lip. "How I'm gonna fuck you into morning, make you orgasm one after another. How you'll be screaming my name so loud that the front desk calls us because the neighbors can't sleep."

I shake my head languidly. My mind is spinning.

"Damn you, Horan."

His smirk lifts higher and, as if wishing me a death note, winks. It's official, he's broken me.

I swear, the traffic outside of this limo is the earth testing the last hanging thread of my impatience. The ride back to the hotel is achingly long, but we do eventually get there. Niall pays our driver before we jump out of the vehicle, and soon, he's dragging me through the hotel lobby with hasty rushed steps.

We find ourselves in the elevator faster than we imagined, and as the shiny doors shut close, Niall dives at me with lecherous lips all over my mouth. His hands seize my face and I roughly kiss him back, whilst I try my best to reach forward to press the button to our floor. The blond shit chuckles into my lips and I realize he's purposefully attempting to obstruct me from the dial.

I pull my mouth away from his, earning an upset frown on his image in the outcome. I take my hand and plaster it right over his face so he can't make any moves to pounce back at me. With that, I can press the button without a problem and the lift is carrying us upwards. 

Niall licks my palm just then, and I remove it, giving him a disgusted face. He merely chuckles, and half a second passes when his lips join mine again.

He then hoists my thigh with one hand so that my leg is clambering over his waist. That hand sneaks into my dress, causing the fabric to ride up my stomach and expose my underwear. 

The hard on in Niall's jeans grinds against me while we sync into a disarray of greedy and slippery lips. It's hot, and the small space of the elevator makes it the more stuffy and suffocating.

A bell rings and the doors pull open. There's no one waiting in the hallway, gratefully. 

I push Niall off me and initiate to walk out of the elevator. I hear him scoff, and I leave him there as I push my dress down, dust myself off, and rub my lips together to rid of saliva.

I turn my head to catch Niall's attention. "You coming?"

The blond boy's out of the lift, his hands in his jeans and his lips red from our coarse snogging. Even his hair's disheveled and the buttons of his top are halfway taken off. I can't remember doing that.

Back to the point, his blue eyes are piercing at me again. So icy and so so blue.

"You better run." His voice deeply rumbles, replete with menace that shocks shivers up my spine.

I take that signal, and I pick up my heels before beginning an Olympic race down the long hall in the direction of our room. Niall's close behind me, shouting warnings for when he catches me but I reach our door first and dig hastily in my bag for the hotel key.

My hands are almost shaking when I finally find them and scan it on the knob, and I'm almost successful until Niall grabs me from behind and growls into the back of my neck. I can't help but giggle, his hands tickling me at my stomach.

"Got you," Niall claims, and I pivot my body to face him as I twist the doorknob and push the door open with my back.

"Yeah you did." I grasp his face and smash my lips back onto his, missing his amorous taste.

I'm forced to walk backwards while Niall kisses me into the room, slamming the door behind him once we've completely entered. 

Somehow, he leads me to the bed and I'm falling backwards on the soft and cold duvet with him on top of me. I voluntarily search for the buttons of his top and start unfastening them, one by one.

Once I've gotten all his buttons, he tears the shirt from himself and tosses it away. 

I'm flipped in the heat of the moment, now on top of Niall and Niall under me. He takes that advantage to seize the ends of my dress and pull it upwards over my head. That clothing, of course, is neglected into the air and our bodies are shifting over again. Niall's back on top.

He catches my lips, and I unzip his jeans and unclasp the button from that one as well. It's a hungry mess of hands, tangled in clever ways as we work together to suck face and get all our clothes off at the same time.

Eventually, we're both bare naked and I've found myself on top of him again.

"How do I keep ending up here?" I gasp, pulling back from his lips.

Niall shrugs, but I can read on his face that he doesn't mind it in the least. In fact, he's enjoying it.

"You're dripping on my stomach," Niall points out, his fingers finding home on my heat. "So wet." The tip of his thumb rubs my clit and it makes me grind myself on his abdomen. Niall widens his eyes at that, and a daring smirk rides onto his mouth.

Before Niall can make any moves to flip us over, I slowly slide myself lower and lower on his body in a cunningly ambiguous way. I relocate in between his legs, grabbing the full length of his cock in my hands, which causes a surprised sob to sound from Niall's mouth.

I raise my head to look for a reaction on his face, and yeah, his eyes are squeezed close and his mouth is open agape. Oh man. It's then that I realize how powerful my next actions can be. The power I hold to this piece of sensitive strong skin can make or break the man I love before me. So, I go for it.

With my hands wrapped around him, I begin to rub him up and down, the pace of my friction faster with every stroke. I twist my grip left and right as I do so, and the faster I go, the deeper the throaty moans that break from my weak boyfriend who's about lose himself if I continue.

Who am I to stop?

Obviously, this is pleasuring him in ways I never imagined and I want him to feel this good because of me. He's not the only one enjoying this, for it sends an odd sort of ecstasy inside of me as well. 

Since I'm courageous enough to be doing this, I can't be any more by going all the way. Hell, I know it'll tantalize him the better. I lower my hands and dip my head, my lips catching him sooner than I expect. My tongue rides out first, and I cast it over his tip to taste him completely. 

Niall almost jumps and I wish I can look to see his face, but my sweaty hair has projected my view and I'm too busy taking him in and out of my mouth. His moans have definitely gotten huskier and the weak voice of his cracks when he tries to construct a sentence.

"Kaya—" He gasps when I go down. "Baby... I—I—baby,"

"Hmm?" I hum in the midst of sucking, my hands occupied with the unceasing motion.

"Fuck!" He cries. "I... I need you to p-p-pause because I don't wanna come in—" He loses his voice as I bob my head up and down faster. "I don't wanna come in your m-mouth!"

I don't stop.

Who does he think I am? It doesn't matter anyway, he has no say in it because I don't remove myself from him, nor do I slow down. His statement only makes me move faster, makes my tongue swirl the better, knowing that he's seconds away from climaxing. I close my eyes, preparing myself for the worst taste I know I'll ever experience.

I finally see him when he leans forward and sits his body up. He pushes my hair from my face and holds it in a ponytail behind my back, meanwhile staggering a bunch of indecipherable curses. The tip of his cock suddenly twitches in my mouth and a startling foul liquid pressures into my throat, Niall bellowing warily in the action.

"Fucking hell!" He clutches my hair, and I watch his face scrunch and relax after a few seconds pass.

My mouth remains closed, released from him and unsure of what to do with the substance wandering in my mouth. I can taste it on my tongue, the salty and unpleasant flavor it prickles wholly to my taste buds. It swirls around and I want to make a disgusted face, but I look on to Niall with my best fake smile.

At that moment, he lets go of my hair and breaks into highly amused laughter.

"Kaya, why did you let me come inside your mouth?" He continues to laugh, uncertain with how to react. "I told you to pause and—" He notices that I don't try to reply, clearly struggling. "Baby, don't swallow and spit it out, okay? I'll get you a—"

Only, I gulped it down already at his sentence before the last. He doesn't fail to notice, and his expression falters and I wish I had listened to him. I finally squeeze my eyes close and begin to cough.

 _"Oh my God!"_ I crack my façade, my hand palming my chest.

Niall shakes his head and his lips raise, "Do you ever listen to me?" He asks in disbelief. "I can't believe you did that! I mean, it makes me really happy but still, you did _not_ have to do that."

I shrug, still keeping my lips glued together. I'm afraid what inside my mouth will look like if I open it. There's still a bit of his cum sticking around in some places. I know, because it's thick and I can taste it.

"Alright," Niall scoots on the bed, his back sitting on the bed frame. "Come here."

It takes me a moment, but I catch myself and move forward to join him inches away on the bed. He watches my every move, when I flip my hair out of my face and wipe my chin with the top of my hand.

Straddling his lap, he leans in to kiss me but I swiftly turn my head and decline his offer. He knits his eyebrows together, but then he realizes my refusal to open my mouth. He takes his hand and thumbs my lips, trying to get me to open them.

"If you think I won't kiss you because there's cum in your mouth, you're wrong." He states, the tip of his finger sliding slowly over my bottom lip. "Open your mouth."

I look directly into his eyes for a solid minute, unsure. 

At last, I do, and I allow my tongue to stick out a little as well. There's most likely strings of his cum pasted from the top of my mouth to my tongue, for I can feel it, but can't see it. Niall can, because in time, he widens his eyes that are focused to my mouth and I read the raise of his eyebrows.

"Oh," He exhales, inserting his thumb to break a string. "That's fucking hot." I see his cum on his finger, all in its slimy and almost clear consistency.

"Jesus, that's the nastiest thing I've ever tasted." I concede.

"And you swallowed it," Niall adds.

I shrug, tilting my head. "And I swallowed it."

Niall shakes his head again. "See, that's why it's hot. You did it for me, even through how disgusting it is." He cups my chin and retreats from the bedframe, catching my lips. 

Pulling back, he smacks his lips together. "Yeah, wow, that's not very sweet." He pulls a horrid face. I chuckle.

"Oh well, I'll still suck your face off anyway." Niall snarls, as if the previous moment hadn't just happened. He leans in my direction quite rapidly and we're back to snogging hungrily at each other.

His hands find their way to my ass, squeezing my cheeks in a rough manner but giving me more thrill than pain nonetheless. Through his action, I lose control over my hips and begin to hump his abdomen rather slowly.

We lose time doing just that, and as hot and steamy as it already is, I pull back to ask, "Do you have a condom?"

Niall bites his lip, clearly thinking. "Uh, yeah, there's one in my backpack. Hold on." I take that as a sign to get off him, and he leaps from the bed and grabs his bag that's sitting on a chair next to the table.

From where I lay, watching him dig into his bag, I get a perfect view of his bottom. It's not a model ass that looks like its just jumped out of a magazine, but it's pale and round enough to satisfy my mind. I'd seen it before, all in its glory accidentally one cold night, and it's the same plump as its ever been.

Niall finds what he's looking for, dropping the backpack on the seat and returning to me on the bed. He sits in the same position as earlier, his back on the bed frame and his long legs openly sprawled outwards. 

I gently move myself back onto him, straddling his lap while he pinches the square-shaped condom wrapper in his finest struggle to open it. Once that's accomplished, he slides it on himself and I reach behind me to help him secure it on. It doesn't take very long, or even two minutes, before he's finished and I'm lifting my body to fit him into me. 

Niall's the one guiding himself in, and I take my hands to grab him and put him in the right hole before he makes the mistake of unintentional anal occurring. I will not have that, thank you.

"Ohhh," I let out, his length entering me wholly as I allow myself to sit down. My head falls on his shoulder and his hands remain holding my ass.

"Move when you're ready, baby. You've got total control." Niall informs me, and I mutter an _okay_ to let him know that I heard him.

With my knees buried to the mattress, I push myself up gradually, feeling every inch of him coming out as I do. I go back down at the appropriate moment, repeating this same action several times until I can ease myself into a faster pace. 

In the meantime, Niall bites my nipple and uses one hand to knead the neglected other. Like that, I dominate our repetitive movement for the next couple minutes, growing faster and faster until my legs deem me weary.

"Your turn." I gasp in his ear, and he gives me a quick kiss on the corner of my lips and shuffles his legs into position.

Niall lifts himself and thrusts into me, my arms around his neck and his hands returning to grip my ass to aid in creating a tighter flow. 

I've already grown accustomed to accepting the bits of pain, so I'm better this time at taking the situation as pleasure rather than the ache. It's definitely different from our first time, because now there's not as much concern over my fragile state and we can enjoy ourselves freely.

Still, I earn small hints of burns after every thrust. It can't be helped, but it's not enough to hurt me in an unsettling way.

Niall becomes faster, way faster than I was going when I had control, and he's sharply breathing to keep up with his strength and stamina. His skin smacks into mine every time, his cock digging deeper and unfailing to hit a sensitive yet rapt spot that makes me moan loudly into his neck.

"Fuck," Niall staggers, losing control of his hips. "Always so good for me, always so—" I feel him shudder inside me, and after some harsh throaty moans from him, he slows down until he eventually stops.

I smile from his neck and lead myself to his lips, kissing him while he rides out what's left of him.

"Now it's _your_ turn." Niall simpers. I look at him confusedly. "You've got to feel good too, princess." He clarifies, immediately grabbing my frame and flipping us both over.

"Niall, what—" I begin, however halting when he glides downward over my stomach and to my center.

He runs his tongue over the folds of my heat; at first slowly, but then quick and brisk to the point that I lose the hums of pleasure eliciting from my mouth. His thumb also rubs my clit simultaneously, which causes me to incessantly pant in exuberant exhilaration. Something builds up down there as he continues, moving his tongue in numerous techniques while his thumb keeps caressing that delicate bundle of nerves.

"Oh my God, please don't stop," I huff when he's discovered a certain movement to his mouth.

Suddenly, Niall uses his two fingers to open my folds, then leans in to lick widely over the entirety, where he stops at my clit and sucks it vigorously.

That's it.

My back arches from the bed, and with my fingers clawing the bed sheets, I lose myself through a heavenly sensation that thunders throughout my whole body. I moan a long one as it carries me, whilst Niall keeps his tongue flicking rapidly to bring me the most of the orgasm.

"Niall! Fuck yes, Niall! Yeeeesss," I moan loudly.

I fall back on the bed, satisfaction exhaling through my short breaths. Niall runs his tongue over my heat one last time, before climbing up to me and pushing strands of hair away from my face. He smiles, cheeks red, and I stare willingly into his sparkling blue eyes.

"Tongue master you are, aren't you?" I manage to mutter.

His smile transitions into a boast smirk. "I try my best. Just for you, baby."

"Ah," I finally break a smile. "It really was. _Jesus._ I need a minute."

Niall chuckles. He remains his position crawled over me, his hands planted on the bed near the sides of my shoulders. 

I close my eyes, but then I feel his soft lips slipping into mine and I kiss him back. When he pulls away, I grab his cheek so he can't go too far.

"It's been a hell of a night and one mad road trip. Thank you for all of it." I say, although I've already thanked him previously, hours prior.

"It wouldn't have been as fun without you," Niall responds, his blond hair sweeping over his forehead as he looks down at me. "I love you."

My heart flutters, and I don't hesitate to say back, "I love you, too."

Niall chuckles, smiling into my cheek as he gives me a kiss there. He gradually makes a path to peck small smooches down to my neck, and I press myself together in result of the way it tickles.

"I think it's time to shower, Niall." I state, the ickyness of everything that just happened hitting me.

"Mmm," Niall hums against my collarbone. "Only if I get to wash you."

I giggle at the request, but then realize after his silence that he was being serious. "Okay," I emit. "If you really want to."

"Of course."

He kisses my neck once again, before he gets up and helps me up as well. He takes my hand and leads me to the bathroom, making small meaningless chatter that causes both of us to laugh during the jaunt there.

Niall reaches into the stand up shower and twists the knob to turn the water on, and I watch as he taps the stream to see if it's become hot enough.

"It's good now," He says. "Right after you, princess."

I take that as a go and I step into the marble-stoned floor, the warm temperature already wallowing me in. Niall's right behind me instantly, and the water pours on both of us, soaking our hair and every inch of our bare skin. 

His hands don't surprise me when I feel his touches on my hips, holding me from behind as we allow the water to flow interminably. We stay standing like that for a while.

Eventually, Niall lathers my long hair with the hotel's shampoo. He does this with me facing him, so that he doesn't accidentally get soap in my eyes (quoting his words). There's a gentle demeanor in him as he washes me and it relaxes me to appreciate that I had won such a caring man. 

In time, he squirts liquid soap on his hands and cleans my body with it. I don't think he misses a single spot, and we both laugh when he struggles to scrub my tummy. I think we've both acknowledged that that's one of my most sensitive areas.

I help Niall wash himself as well, although he insists to perform the larger amount of the job.

It's not long before we find ourselves standing under the water again, rinsing away the bubbles on our persons. 

Somehow, in the mix, Niall's taken it on himself to snog me while he runs his hands in my hair. The water interferes over our lips, making it wetter than it calls to be, but we carry forward anyway.

Soon, my arms are around his neck and our bodies are closely touching as we make out endlessly under the benignant stream. Niall pushes me about so that my back attaches to the tile wall, his hand then lifting my thigh to his waist.

I release his lips. "What're you up to?"

The corner of his mouth draws upwards and I watch as water drips on his pink lips. "Um," He nervously chuckles. "I may have gotten horny again, especially with you soaking wet like this, because fuck! You're so hot, and—" I grab his cock, stopping him.

"Go ahead, fuck me." I let on.

At that, Niall takes his length and pushes it easily inside me, the shower water giving him the advantage. I wrap my arms around him once again, my fingers scratching his back for I need something to keep me up. He takes my other thigh and soon, I'm off the ground with him merely possessing our balance.

He propels in and out of me at a steady pace, and I close my eyes to throw my head back. I discreetly pull a smile, the water screening off my vague chuckle as I think, _here we go again._


	7. Chapter 7

For the rest of our road trip, we adventured back up north of California. We only had two days left, so we figured that if we worked our way in the direction of home, it'd just correlate to wherever else we'd like to go.

I know it's odd, driving this way and that, in opposite directions each time as if we were lost and confused with our directions. In a way, we kind of were. Niall and I purposely didn't plan ahead about the places we wanted to go, so it made sort of a mess in itself. That's the whole point though, and in the end, I'd like to think it was successful.

We traveled three hours to Fresno from LA, and there, we visited the zoo. Niall teased me about the animals, comparing my physical features to every one that cared to walk close enough to us for our viewing pleasure. There was even a safari ride and while we rode it, Niall pointed to a hippopotamus soaking in a pool of mud.

"Look, Kaya, it's y—" He started, and I bopped him on the head before he could finish. He just laughed.

After the zoo, we went out to dinner and then stayed in a hotel for the night. We'd left the next afternoon, and it took another three hours until we arrived in San Francisco. 

Obviously, we took pictures with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background, and it was one of the biggest and coolest things I'd ever seen. We then explored the city and we even found the exact streets from _The Princess Diaries_ where the roads winded in steep hills. I loved those movies, so it was really breathtaking seeing it all in person.

Niall and I ran all over town and took pictures everywhere. You could make a montage of all the laughing and smiling moments of us that day, as we rented bicycles and even rode a trolley. We'd done almost everything couple tourists do, and in the nighttime, we had to call the end to our wonderfully-made spontaneous road trip.

It began to rain on our drive back home, but gratefully, Sacramento was only an hour and a couple minutes away. I got a bit cold, so I draped a blanket from the back over me as I made myself comfortable in the passenger seat.

The windshield wipers were on, fighting away the raindrops pattering on the glass. The road ahead of us was endless and the dark night had rolled in. 

Niall had some soft, 80s vibe music playing and I had never felt more calm. I started to reminisce on the things we had done in the past week, and frankly, it had passed by so quickly that it all seemed like a happy unimaginable dream.

I watched Niall sing along quietly as he drove, and I remembered him smiling at me before I fell asleep.

...

"Babe... babe," Gentle hands shake my shoulder and I open my eyes. Niall's the first thing I see. "We're here." 

I look around me, and sure enough, we're parked inside his garage.

 _Whoa._ That didn't even feel like an hour. I swear I only slept for five minutes.

"What time is it?" I groggily ask, feeling dazed and confused.

"Close to midnight."

So that's why I feel so dead.

Niall snags my bag from the back to give it to me and insists he'll take care of everything else in the car tomorrow morning. I hug him tightly, despite my sleepy state of mind, and we kiss before I thank him for an amazing time.

"Goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow?" I pull us apart, his arms still encircled around me as if he doesn't want to let me go.

Niall frowns. "Can't you sleepover? I'm too used to waking up next to you. I don't wanna miss you too much."

"Niall," My eyes droop. I can fall asleep any minute. "I'm literally right next door."

"I know, but..."

"Goodnight." I chuckle, giving him another kiss before I completely disconnect our bodies.

He lets out a groan, and I wave him with my hand as I walk off and head towards my house just a couple steps away. 

I hear his garage door close when I get to my front door, and a sigh exhales from my lips when I unlock the knob and enter the muted home. The lights are all off and not a single thing stirs as I walk in and the familiar homey smell wafts into my nose.

I'd planned to greet my dear mother since I hadn't seen her in so long, but she's probably fast asleep and I don't want to bother her. So instead I stride to my bedroom, throw my bag to the floor, and flop myself face first in my bed.

Ah, my beloved mattress. _Momma's home._

I'm not surprised when I wake up the next morning and I can already hear Niall's voice booming from somewhere in the house. It's only 9 AM—as my digital clock on my nightstand claims—and I should drop my head to go back to sleep, however there's a faint smell of bacon floating in the air and there is no way I'm ignoring that.

"After Santa Monica, we went to LA and hung around... then to Fresno," I hear Niall talking as I make my way down the hall. He must be in the kitchen, conversing with my mom while she cooks over the stove. She's replying back with _oh wow!_ and _that must've been nice!_

I drag myself in their direction, lunging at my mom first to give her a surprised hug.

"Kaya! Oh my goodness!"

"G'morning, madre." I bury myself into her side as I look at a piece of sizzling bacon that she flips over.

I turn my head over her shoulder and Niall's right there, leaning his back on the counter beside the sink. He's wearing an all black Adidas tracksuit, and honestly, it's way too early for him to be taking my breath away looking like he does.

He must've gone jogging earlier, his hair is rumpled in blond and brown streaks all over his forehead.

"Ello, I knew the bacon would wake you up." Niall sneers and I roll my eyes.

"Anyway," Niall continues his storytelling of our travels, and I tear myself from my mom to advance to the refrigerator. 

He gets to the part about our lavish dinner when I've poured myself a glass of milk, and I turn just in time to face my mom whose pivoted on her heels to drop her jaw.

"A limo and a fancy restaurant?!" My mom utters in amazement. "You are spoiling my daughter way too much, Niall Horan." She points a finger at him and I flush behind my milk, secretly giggling.

"What, _nah_." Niall contends, wearing a proud smile. "I haven't spoiled her just yet." He focuses his eyes at me to wink and I merely send him a displeased look.

"Oh yeah, we took a lot of pictures, mom. We'll have to print them out and show you." I sit my glass cup on the counter.

My mom nods. "Good, I'd like to see them." She smiles at me, then to Niall, and then back to her cooking. "Will you both grab some plates and silverware for me? I'll get on to a batch of eggs but that won't take long before breakfast is ready."

Obediently, Niall and I fulfill her request and set the table in the dining room. My boyfriend takes for the plates and I for the silverware, and in the midst of it all, I bump my hip into his and he bumps me back.

"You sleep well?" I ask him, putting a fork and knife by a glass plate he'd just sat down.

Niall shrugs one shoulder. "I guess. I kept feeling around in my sleep for someone to spoon, so you know how that goes. It was cold and lonely."

"Only you then," I reply. "I slept like a log. All I needed was me, myself, and my bed."

That develops a frown to dramatically position on his face.

"Just kidding, I missed you, too." I cackle, and Niall shakes his head.

"So cruel. So so cruel."

"Don't take this the wrong way," I begin, pulling a chair out to take a seat. "But I really missed my bed, anything else breaks my back, you know?" 

Niall copies me and sits across the table, saving the end for my mom and the queen herself. 

"But..." I continue. "I also miss being on the road with you, I miss that feeling of excitement about seeing someplace new. I had such a great time."

"Good." Niall smiles. "If you're happy, I'm happy."

I smile back at him. "Likewise."

Anything after that was back to our usual. Niall and I hung around together, in the comfort of our homes and to the laziness of our couches. It truly was nice to settle back into our real life. Being on the road for so long made us homesick.

The next day, we finally forced ourselves to our local Walmart to print out the pictures from the disposable camera. The photos came out great, and there was enough for Niall and me to divide a fair amount for keepsake. 

I taped mine on the wall beside my bed, and I get sentimental when I stare at them and remember the happening behind each frozen scene. The one we took on top of the Ferris wheel is my favorite.

Sometime later, Niall gets called upon by Louis and I take that cue to allow him time to his friend.

Of course, I miss Niall every second that he's not around, but I'm also glad to have my space back at the same time. Space, as in, my own bubble where I can freely do whatever I please without worrying about him following at my tail. I take this opportunity to hang out with myself, my mom, and then eventually, my own friends.

I won't ever say it out loud, but these days were saved for when I felt like Niall and I had spent too much time together. We'd literally been right in each other's faces for days on end, and that can get a little bit irritating especially when you need your space every now and then. I concluded that these days were required for the two of us to continue being interested in the relationship.

Niall won't say it either, but he needs those days too. He'll become less excited about the things I do, become annoyed at every move I attempt making to be cutesy. It's not that we genuinely think the other person is annoying, but spending minute after minute together leaves no space in between to think about missing the other.

So, that coming Sunday, I call up Cady, Liam, and Harry. They had become my friend bunch and it's basically what it's been since high school started, except Harry's joined in and Zayn's subtracted out. Something happened with him and Liam, causing them to have a fallout, which also affected our friend circle. It's honestly too bad, Liam never wants to talk about it and I kind of miss Zayn all in the same.

Anyway, the four of us find ourselves lounging in CherryBerry—a cute frozen yogurt chain—which most likely can pinpoint back to Harry, whom I've learned to be strangely obsessed with smoothies and now, apparently froyo.

Cady sits with Liam on a neon green leather couch, leaving Harry and I to plump our bottoms in mini red rounded chairs in the shape of literal cherries.

"Wait, you guys seriously went on a road trip?!" Cady exclaims, holding her cardboard cup with a towering mountain of dessert toppings. Is there even frozen yogurt in that thing?

"Without us?!" Liam joins in.

"Yeah!" Harry chimes, red plastic spoon in his mouth. "You could've at least invited _me!_ "

I shake my head, chuckling as I poke around my cup with my spoon. "Well, _I'm sorry?_ It was just an us kind of thing, you know?" 

I turn to the curly-haired boy struggling to sit in the child-friendly chair. His legs are simply too long. "And Harry, that would've been awkward. Niall would probably stab you ten minutes into the highway." That causes every one of us to burst into laughter.

"I don't doubt that for one second," Liam says. "Niall's really protective and I get that, yeah? But that could seriously hurt your relationship. He needs to learn to wind it down a little."

"You're right," I sigh. "I don't know, we'll work at it." I suddenly wish we weren't talking about him.

"So," Cady—the true friend she is—reads my mind and proceeds to change the topic in my favor. "Where'd you guys go?"

"First, some small town up north called Dunsmuir—" I begin, but Liam interjects.

"My cousin Fred lives up there!" He emits.

"We went to this waterfall in like, the middle of the forest but it was super cool. And then we headed to Santa Monica and a lot of other big Cali cities. We did sooo many things, but I'm sure you guys don't want to hear me blabber about every single detail."

Harry scoffs, "You got that right. Sounds fun, but you and Niall are honestly gross," He scoops a spoonful of froyo. "When you two are together, you change into a completely different person. You're all mushy and lovey dovey."

I almost slam my cardboard cup on the table. " _Nuh-uh!_ " I oppose. "We are not like that!" 

Harry gives me a look, one eyebrow narrowed towards me. I glance at Cady for help but she's smiling and I know I can't fight this.

"Okay, fine. We're just... really into each other, alright?" I say.

"Aww," Liam coos. "You're both in the honeymoon phase. The butterflies, the constant kissing and touching... It's the best, enjoy it."

"Blegh!" Harry makes a disgusted face. I grab a cherry stem from my cup and fling it at him, hitting his shoulder. 

"Thanks." He dusts it off. "All I was trying to say was that, you're just so in love that it's sickening!"

"Oh, _poor_ Harry, I guess you've never had anyone to be madly in love for." I shoot back. Liam and Cady sit quietly, chuckling.

Silence is also the only response we receive from Harry. His expression transitions into something unsettling, every emotion in his face reading a bad definition and I realize I must've hit a sensitive topic.

"What aren't you telling us? Come out with it." I tell him, reassuring him that we're the type of friends who can tell each other anything.

"Yeah mate, what's got your boxers in a twist?" Liam asks.

Harry shakes his head, burying himself in his froyo cup. "No... I... It's nothing."

"Whaaat... Tell us!" Cady pleas, and Liam and I repeat after her.

Harry shakes his head, his long curls bouncing with the motion. "I can't, I'm sorry. It's not something I'm ready to talk about."

The other three of us surrender and sink in our seats.

"It's alright." I say in understanding. I don't want to pressure the guy into something he's not comfortable with.

The curly-haired boy releases the tension in his shoulders and gives a close-lipped smile in apology, thus leaving me to absolutely keep quiet about the matter. 

I pull myself into a thinking trance as Harry changes the topic and proceeds to narrate a story about an animal he'd saved the other day. 

Meanwhile, I deliberate to myself about Harry's recent behavior.

He had decided to quit the football team when school ended, which took a lot of us by surprise. Everyone knows that Harry Styles has played football since who knows how long, and he purposefully quitting the sport just isn't something anyone would ever predict happening. He was one of the main stars on the team.

Now that I really think about it, even Harry's clothing style has changed. A year ago he'd be wearing athletic clothing from head to toe, when now he's in the attire of an alternative rocker lost in between patterned button ups and black skinny jeans. I can even imagine him locked up in a small dark room, writing poetic what-nots into a rumpled journal. Two years ago, I would've imagined him throwing around a football.

I've asked him about the transformation but he says that this has always been who he is; he had just disguised himself to be "cooler". He was quitting the _it_ crowd to focus more on reality, on who he really wanted to be, on the _real_ Harry Styles. He was over social conformity. It was definitely something else.

At the same time, I'm quite proud of him. I used to have popularity issues as well, even if I had strived not to be anything more than who I really was just to impress others. I guess it's a certain war we all learn to battle in high school.

"Good for you, Harry. Saving turtles in the middle of the street, I'm sure you'll get extra points for that somewhere in the book." Liam is saying when I locate myself back to the conversation.

"You crazy animal lover." Cady further comments.

Harry shrugs and displays a boast smile, and we all laugh at him before getting up to toss our finished froyo cups. 

Liam holds open the glass door for all of us, and we exit the small shop and stand in front of parked vehicles.

"Alright, that was a great catching up," Cady says, Liam joining her side instantly. "And Kaya, text me soon so we can hang out, just the two of us, yeah?" I nod and Cady continues. "We def' need more girl time this summer. Boyfriends are overrated."

"Heeey..." Liam asserts, but we all know to take it humorously.

Harry digs his keys from his pocket, whereas Liam's already pressing the button to unlock his car. I walk towards the couple's vehicle, expecting a ride home from them as they'd originally brought me here.

"Kaya! I can take you home." Harry halts me, and I turn my head towards him to Cady and back to him.

Cady doesn't object, "Oh, yeah, sure... Kaya you can go with him if you'd like. But we'll be glad to take you as well." Liam nods to emphasize his opinion on this.

"Eh, why not?" I step back and wave at Cady and Liam. "I'll see you guys later then, goodbye!"

"Okay! Bye Kay!" Cady shouts, jumping inside the vehicle with Liam already in the driver's seat.

With that, I step back on the sidewalk and follow Harry to his car just a few other vehicles away.

He drops me off in front of my house, and when I hop out, I call out a goodbye and he shouts back, _text me!_ because that's the only way he knows to say goodbye back.

I watch as his vehicle pulls forward on the road and he disappears from my neighborhood. The world becomes quiet and the hot night sticks to my skin.

Before I enter my house, I glance at Niall's lit home and I think about visiting him. However, I don't, instead proceeding to my own home and leaving thoughts of the blond boy inside my head.

Yet once I've gotten to my room, I'm faced with our road trip pictures on my wall and the thoughts come running back.

I should go see Niall. I haven't seen him all day. I miss him, even if we _had_ spent the entire previous day together. I miss every little annoying factor that came with spending time with him, and I want to kiss his rosy lips.

Except I _shouldn't_ go see Niall. I can't make all my days solely based around being with him every waking minute. Today is a space day and I should keep at it. I've made it through a whole day without him and I can make it through a night. I'll see him tomorrow, he'll be in my room at the crack of dawn, pulling me out of bed and devising a plan for us to do for the summer day.

Coming to that conclusion, I leap onto my bed and switch on my television. 

I still battle with the decision in my head, trying to withstand every word of that small sneaky voice that almost talks me into running to Niall's house. I put Netflix on and look for something to watch, but in the midst of searching, my eyes wander to my window and I gaze at the house next door.

I sigh. _For God's sake._ I scramble my blankets to find my phone and uncover Niall and I's message chat, my thumbs already beginning to type.

**To: Cheesehead**

**Hi :)**

The text sends and I stare at the screen, waiting. Nothing happens, and my eyes take turns watching from my window to my phone, battling for anything to come back to me. Niall usually messages back instantly, but right now, he isn't. Is he busy?

My phone vibrates. I read the screen.

**From: Cheesehead**

**hi princess, are u home now?**

I smile as I type back a reply.

**To: Cheesehead**

**Yes, are you?**

_Sent._

**From Cheesehead:**

**only when im with you.**

I squeeze my eyes and snicker to myself.

**To: Cheesehead**

**Aw, I miss you.**

_Sent._

**From: Cheesehead**

**i miss you too. how was your day?**

Texting him helps, and I like to think that it still doesn't count against me and the situation. I mean, we're still away from each other. Although, okay, yeah, I fail today. I'm still technically making him the bigger part of my mind when I'm supposed to be doing the opposite. 

I can't help it, I'm always missing him; even though we've spent so much time together to the point that it's become irritating, the mere thought of him still excites me. Love is strange.

In between days when I'm not with Niall, I make up best friend time with Cady and do girly things I can't with my boyfriend. It's nice, since we hadn't been able to really see each other, what with both of us having our own men to keep us distracted.

Other times, I do save a couple hours to spend with Harry. He's not anything romantic to me, we've just become close friends and it's nice to see him every now and then. Usually we'd sit in a smoothie or froyo shop to chat and that was basically it. On rare occasions I trail after him when he wishes to waste time in antique stores or he follows me on my runs to the library.

Everything comes together in my life, the little pieces of my boyfriend, my friends, my mom, and whatever else combining perfectly in a fictitious puzzle. My life has never been this sorted out before, never flowed this easily where I feel entirely and genuinely happy. 

It's a huge difference from who I was a year ago, for I'd been an insecure mess in a lovesick wreck about a boy I never thought would become one of my closest friends.

And, not to mention, the other boy whose name that'd simply made me gag at the exit of my mouth was now everything to me. He was once the next door neighbor that I hated with utmost passion, when now he's not _just_ my neighbor but also the one person who held the power to my emotional being.

I may have jinxed myself a little, because happiness doesn't last forever.

"I don't like you hanging out with Harry." Niall proclaims one day when we're standing in his kitchen. We were setting to make sandwiches for lunch.

Bread knife in hand, I stick it in an open mayonnaise jar and refuse to meet Niall's eye contact. I keep my eyes on my toast as I slap the mayo on it. 

"Niall, don't." I sigh. "We've already been over this. Don't start." 

"What? I'm serious!" He says, his voice rising. "I don't want you to see him anymore."

That picks me up from my sandwich. I swiftly turn my head towards him and knit my eyebrows together. 

"You can't tell me who I can and can't see." I confidently state. "And what is so wrong with Harry anyway? I can't believe he's still an issue to you." I really thought he'd gotten over this a long time ago.

Niall scoffs harshly. "Of course I still see him as an issue, Kaya. How would you feel if I hung out with some girl all the time? Especially my ex!"

"I wouldn't feel anything because I can trust you not to do something stupid!" I finally snap, my patience wearing thin. "And Harry's not even my ex!"

"He's not—" Niall repeats after me, walking closer in my direction from his far spot at the back of the kitchen. "He's not your ex? That's bullshit, you guys dated! He even took you to homecoming, don't lie to yourself!"

My face falls. "How am I lying to myself? Harry and I never made anything official, excuse you! You can't call things that you weren't even a part of—"

"Because you fucking liked him! Are you forgetting all the years you spent worshiping him?" Niall bursts. His eyes are genuinely angry and a vein bulges on his forehead. 

"You lie," He starts again, shaking his head. "You lie to yourself, and to me, because you obviously still like him, don't you? You still have those feelings lingering somewhere but you won't accept them—"

"NO!" I yell. "Do you realize how silly you sound right now?! You have this—" I stammer, my exasperation making it hard to speak. "—this odd thing with jealousy, you know that? It's a constant problem with you, all. the. freaking. time. When will you learn to trust me?! There is no other person in the world that I want besides you and still, you—"

"Me?" Niall draws, tossing his toast that had cooked too long. " _I_ have a problem?!"

"Yes! You're always on to me about every guy I talk to, every guy that even breathes next to me!" I retaliate. I'm letting it all out now, nothing's holding me back. "Not every person with a dick and two legs is out there to steal me, when will you put that through your thick head?!"

Niall chuckles, and there's a sharp intake of breath in there that tells me he's really furious now. "Wow... so you're telling me that _I'm_ wrong for being jealous? _I'm_ the bad guy because I don't want another man to flirt with my girlfriend?"

"Oh my God," I curse quietly, shaking my head and pulling pieces of ham from its plastic package. "You and I clearly aren't on the same page. You just... You're not understanding me."

"Then what! What, Kaya?! What am I not understanding?!" Niall huffs. "All I told you was that you shouldn't see Harry anymore, that's all! Can you not do me this one thing?"

"And that's what I'm saying, you can't tell me who I can't see! You don't hold the power to boss me around about which men I should or shouldn't talk to!" 

I'm so heated right now that I can't even think straight. My voice has gotten louder, trying to shout over him every time he throws back something in response. He's doing the same, and at this rate, we'll be screaming in no time.

Niall hollers at me with more ridiculous replies, but I'm so enraged that every word that comes out of his mouth is gibberish to my ears and I can't stand it anymore. I don't want to do this, I don't want to fight him over something he obviously doesn't want to figure out. He's in his own head and he's not going to try understanding. He's too irate.

I drop everything in my hands on the counter, forgetting my stupid sandwich because 1) I've lost my appetite and 2) I'm not going to put up with this. 

Before my mind can fathom my next plan, my feet steer me away from the kitchen and I'm heading to his front door.

"Where are you going?!" Niall stomps right behind me. "You can't just walk away when I'm talking to you! What the fuck?"

"Stop it!" A tear is floating in my eye, and as I grasp his doorknob, I look back at him. "Stop yelling at me!"

"I'm not yelling!" Niall loudly sends back.

"Yes you are!"

"Because you're not fucking listening to me!"

"I don't..." I turn the doorknob. "I don't want to do this anymore!" 

Pulling the door open, I step out and say my last words before slamming it shut behind me. "Don't follow me, Niall, I'm done!"

That was it.

I'm done I'm done I'm done.

Every gear in my head is rapidly grinding and things crash together, gaining me an extremely painful migraine. I storm hastily to my own house, wanting nothing more than to fling myself in my bed and scream my lungs out. 

Niall doesn't appear and I'm grateful, because he's the last person I want to see right now and I can't bear another second of him.

As I lie there, my head pounds and my blood boils. I keep hearing our shouting match over and over again, and I want it to stop. Except I can't, because this has never happened before and I'm too overwhelmed.

I really thought Niall had gotten past Harry and this jealousy deal of his, but I guess not. I was wrong. I don't ever let it show, but I don't find the jealousy part of him a cute thing anymore. 

Every time we're out, I'm cautious with my behavior around men because I know Niall will grow anxious and make a remark about it later on. It's been such a constant issue and I've tried so hard to see past it, but I've had enough. I'm fed up.

If Niall's not going to grow up and learn to trust me, then this relationship is never going to work out.


	8. Chapter 8

It's never good to go to bed angry, but I do so anyway. Besides, my head is aching with the worst migraine I've ever had in my life and the only thing that lessens the pain is lying down. Even the mere brightness of light makes my head pound, and at this rate, there's no way I'm going to try talking to Niall about anything.

I receive a hundred texts and calls from him, but I reside not to respond to any of them. When I skim through his texts, I see no signs of apologies, just more accusations and meaningless blabber. That officially sets me off, resulting in me turning my phone off altogether and neglecting it for the rest of the night. I have trouble falling asleep because of all the thoughts rendering my mind, but eventually, I do.

My head doesn't hurt as much when I get up the next morning. Still, I don't want to leave my bed. So I sit up and fold my legs against me, residing to stare at my wall. 

I don't know what to do. I miss Niall and I wish we could put yesterday's fight behind us, but I don't want him to think he can dictate my male friends and who I choose to breathe next to.

So... what's the next move?

We've never gotten in such a big fight before. This is all new to me and I don't know anything about relationships. I know for a fact that I can't give in to him, I'm not the one in the wrong. I have nothing to apologize for.

Should I wait? I don't know what there's to wait for, but it seems like the only choice I have at the given moment. I can't make the first move or I'll be submitting to him. I refuse to be the type of person to surrender and feign weakness—and, arguably, stupidity—for something I'm clearly not at fault for.

"Hey, are you okay?" My mom asks me when I step out of my bedroom for the first time that morning.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I reply, although it comes out so artificial I feel like vomiting.

My mom's elongated stare tells me that she knows something. She sighs first, and then my previous prediction breaks through her lips, "Niall came by late last night. I told him you were already sleeping."

"Were _you?_ " I stammer, the thought of him bothering my mom for our foolish love quarrel troubling me. How could he? "I'm sorry if he woke you up—"

"No, honey, don't worry. I was just watching TV." She walks closer to me, bringing her hand to feel my forehead. "You don't have a fever, but you don't look well either. Did something happen? Niall wouldn't tell me anything last night, he just came in and left so fast."

I swallow a lump in my throat. "I don't know, it's nothing." I say, only because I don't want her to worry. "We just had an argument yesterday, that's all."

"Aw," My mom coos. "If you really care for each other, that'll happen from time to time."

"Yeah..." I sigh, understanding where she's coming from.

Suddenly, she draws a smile as if she's just thought of an idea and an imaginary lightbulb has popped up above her head. "Should we go out and get some iHop? That's always up to make you feel better."

"Yes!" I excite, launching myself at her for a hug. "It certainly always does."

A plate full of pancakes with a chocolate drawn smiley face undeniably _does_ please my stomach _and_ my mood. I'm honestly so grateful for my mom, she pulls me through so many things and I don't know who I would be without her.

On the way home, she drops me off at our local library by my request. Nothing else is guaranteed to brighten my frame of mind but the sight of books and the quiet relaxing atmosphere, so I conclude to spend the rest of my day there. I don't wish to waste my time elsewhere and I do just fine by myself.

Well, _okay._ Not entirely.

In the library, I grabbed myself a few books and sat at one of the tables in the lounge. Of course, I'd meant to preview the novels since I had spent a while browsing through the shelves to find them; however, I end up neglecting them and losing myself in my phone to check for any recent Niall updates.

I know, I'm terrible. I'm fooling myself.

There's nothing new on his Instagram, but he'd tweeted a couple tweets in the past twelve hours.

 **"CoolestNiall: :("** _tweeted 9 hours ago._

My lips form the frown of the sad face. I keep scrolling.

**"CoolestNiall: I miss my baby :( pic.twitter.com/17dhciw28"** _tweeted 6 hours ago._

There's a picture attached. I tap the tweet and the picture loads up right when I open it. 

Something tugs at my heartstrings when I see that it's a picture of me—a candid one to be more exact—where I seem to be focused on something other than the camera. There's a vague smile on my face and I try to remember when this photo could've been taken. I can't figure it out, so I close the tweet and continue.

 **"CoolestNiall: Sad tunes make for a bad mood ,, fuck this !!"** _tweeted 4 hours ago._

I bet it does.

 **"CoolestNiall: This sucks so much ."** _tweeted an hour ago._

I know.

Another tweet pops up when I refresh his page, and it reads to be another sad face all by itself.

Yeah, me too Niall.

For a second, I almost tweet something to indirect him back in response but decide against it. I'm not going to give him the benefit of the doubt when this is all on him. 

So, I close Twitter and get off my phone. I actually look through some of the books I've gotten with me and choose which ones I'll borrow from the library. I'm very indecisive, so I end up going back to the bookshelves to waste more time contemplating about what I want to read.

I spend way too much time in that library but I can't help it. I'm deeply in love with books and being surrounded by thousands of them makes me lose myself and my rationality.

I've always been like this, and frankly, it's too bad that Niall isn't as fond of reading. He claims that it's boring but I ultimately disagree. We could've been the type of couple who recommended books to each other and discussed plots and everything.

In the middle of that thought, I accidentally drop a book from the shelf and it aids me to regain my sanity. I can't believe I'm thinking about Niall again. I'm ashamed of myself.

I shake my head to toss him from my mind and I continue my search for any books that may capture my interests. I decide on four of them, and after I've scanned them to take with me, I leave the library and commence my long walk home.

 _Don't look,_ I tell myself when I've approached my neighborhood and am less than a hundred feet from my front door. _Don't look at Niall's house_. 

I know if I do, my feet will involuntarily take me to his door instead and that'll only make me angry at myself.

This unofficial punishment has become mutual.

Back in my bedroom, I mean to read one of the books I'd gotten but I catch myself gazing through my window. I get a perfect view of the side of Niall's house from here, and there's even a small window that I think traces to his living room. I can't tell, it's covered with blinds and I've never had a reason to verify where that opening really led to. All I know is that his light is on, which means that he's home.

I sigh and force myself to shake him out of my head.

After a while of reading and sinking in my bed (and also regrettably watching Niall's house), I fall into an accidental nap and doze off. 

I'm awakened perhaps a few hours later by my mother who shakes my shoulder. In the most confused manner, I look at her and wonder why in the world she's chosen to wake me up. She rarely does that.

"Hi. Just wanted to let you know that there's something at the front door for you." She informs me, and I sit up on the bed. My book falls from my lap.

"Huh, what?" I struggle to wake myself up. "What do you mean?"

"Take a look for yourself."

She leaves my room just like that, and I don't fail to notice the vague smirk that hitches on her lips as she turns away.

Okay, then.

Dumbfounded, I pull myself out of bed—despite the cries of my lazy body—and saunter cautiously out of my room and down into the hallway. 

My mom sits in the living room, already engrossing herself into her beloved crossword book. Upon seeing me, she signals her head towards the huge window that occupies the big wall in the room. It gives a good view of our front yard, so I creep up to it and yank the curtains to look outside.

And... wow.

Niall is out there, and what supports his physical appearance is overwhelming. He's wearing a long-sleeved white polo on top of blue denim jeans—an outfit that guarantees him the spitting image of a true prince charming hopelessly lost in the modern world. His hair is even fixed nicely with a neat but wavy sort of ice cream swirl that serves the blond fluff on his head. He's absolutely beautiful; a true work of art.

My eyes finally wander down to the acoustic guitar he holds in his arms, although its black strap already promised him the support across his torso. His head is dropped low while he strums it, now and then twisting the knobs on the head as if he's tuning it. What the hell is he doing out there like that?

All of a sudden, Niall perks up and looks swiftly to the right. I jump down because I think he's figured me out, but he begins to talk and I realize he's conversing to someone in the direction of his house.

Two figures rush in and the characters materialize to be Liam and Louis. They're holding the biggest bouquets of red roses in their hands, running at Niall and positioning themselves behind him.

The boys are all laughing, and then Niall takes out his phone and my mom's phone is ringing.

It's that half second later when my brain discovers what's about to go down.

_Oh my God._

They all planned this. I don't have to take a second glance to verify it. Niall is actually about to serenade me. My heart leaps into my throat and I'm flustered, and even that word seems like an understatement for my current state of bewilderment.

"That's your cue," My mom says after hanging up the phone, a clear grin on her face. "Go on, open the door."

It takes me an entire minute to gather myself. My physical limbs have softened into noodles, thus taking me a little longer than usual to arrive at my front door.

When I reach for the doorknob, my hand becomes hesitant to turn it but I do—eventually—manage to complete the task. I squeeze my eyes close and my heart feels like its clenching compactly tight into a bundle in my chest. I wake my eyes once I know the door is wide open.

Niall, Liam, and Louis poise on the concrete block that unite my porch and the grass. In their triangular standing form, Niall is the closest so he's the first pair of eyes that I meet. Glancing away quickly, I look at the other boys and they're wearing shit-eating grins while proudly holding the flowers on their chests.

In a quick moment, Niall begins to strum his guitar and it reels me back to gaze at him. He continues to strum a familiar tune, and through a sparkling smile, he says, "I'm sorry, baby. I hope you can forgive me after I sing you this song," He chuckles, which causes the other boys and me to give a little chortle as well.

My facial expression has probably melted into a flabbergasted mess by now, except I'd never know because I'm too busy focusing my whole attention on my madly insane boyfriend. Of all the cheesy things he's pulled on me, I can say that this is officially the cheesiest one he's ever thought of.

Maybe.

Niall's head drops to look at his guitar while he strums, bobbing his head to keep his rhythm, and it's then that I realize what the song is.

 _"Wise men say, only fools rush in..."_ Niall raises his head for the next line, _"But I can't help,"_ He looks directly at me and locks my eyes with his, slowly stretching his every word, _"falling in love with you..."_

_Oh. My. Jesus._

Is my heart fluttering or am I flying in the clouds? I think both.

 _"Shall I stay, would it be a sin... If I can't help, falling in love with you..."_ Niall sings passionately.

With the music from his fingertips to his talented vocal range, I don't know if it's possible to hear anything more heavenly. I love this song, it's a pure classic, and having the man I love standing here singing it to me really sweeps me away to somewhere ineffable.

 _"Like a river flows, surely to the sea,"_ Niall cranes his neck, smirking at me as he continues, _"darling so it goes, some things... are meant to be."_

I take another step out of my door and a sheepish smile unwittingly pulls on my lips. If this is Niall's way of apologizing, then I can't deny that it's not working.

 _"Take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can't help..."_ Niall initiates to walk closer to me, climbing up one of the steps to my porch. _"Falling in love with you..."_

Just as I step forward to close the space between us, he smirks and shakes his head, going down the steps again and returning to his original location. What a tease.

Niall continues to sing and play his guitar, standing ever so confidently beautiful with Liam and Louis who start to sing along as well. 

All together, they blend their voices into a sweet and flawless harmony to carry the chorus. They seem to be enjoying it, Liam and Louis smiling at each other as if they're trying to hold back embarrassed laughter. It's a sight I never imagined seeing.

Seconds before the song's last line, Niall strides towards me again and sings, _"For I can't help, falling in love with you..."_ He strums his guitar one last time, elicits a cute smile, and then pushes the instrument to his side to wrap his arms around me.

Of course, I hug him back and I can't help the few giggles that escape to his warm chest.

Niall comes away just enough to look at my face. "Are you... baby, are you crying?"

"No," I decline despite my action of wiping my eyes. "I'm just..." I laugh and look down at our feet because I don't know if a tear has broken free. Either way, I don't want him to see if it has. 

My emotions are getting the best of me and I am just so, so in love with this boy and my brain cannot fathom how stupidly dramatic I must seem at the moment.

"Aww... you're so cute." Niall hugs me again. "It's okay to cry." He pats my back and I sniff my cries of joy away.

It's nice, and I probably would've let him hold me forever, but a whooping laugh sounds from behind us and Niall and I disconnect on instinct.

"Wow!" Louis hollers, joining us with Liam following suit. "What a romantically grotesque couple you two are, really! I'm jealous but I also feel like puking at the same time."

"Fucker, shut up!" Niall hisses.

Louis laughs, reaching towards my direction. He hands me his bouquet and Liam copies, and with that my face becomes stuffed with roses and I don't mind it a single bit. They smell fresh and look beautiful, and my heart is flushing the bold red of its petals.

"Thank you." I say to both of them and they each send back a nod.

"Yeah, thanks to you both." Niall says to Louis and Liam. "You guys actually played out to the plan, thank _God_."

"Ah, it's no prob Nialler," Louis grabs Niall's shoulder and looks on proudly. "Just don't mess up again, I don't know what cheesier cliché thing we can pull next time around, yeah?" We all chuckle.

Liam steps in then, "There won't be a next time, right Niall?" 

The way Liam looks down at Niall tells me that they've had a conversation about this not too long ago. With the so called relationship expert Liam upholds, I know he's had a few words to share with my boyfriend. Oh, goodness.

" _Liam_ ," I sneer in a scornful tone.

The said boy surrenders his hands in the air and takes a step back. "I'm just saying."

"Alright alright!" Louis tears from Niall and jumps to his tippy toes to grab Liam by the neck. "Let's leave the couple to themselves so they can suck face or what not." He laughs and I roll my eyes.

"We'll be in your house, Ni. Gonna watch soccer on your big screen and eat all your food, so don't worry about us and enjoy yourself!" The two begin to walk away, and just as Niall and I turn, Louis yells again: "But not too much fun!"

We look back at him to see the scrutinizing finger he points at us, and Niall and I only laugh as we shrug it off and head into my house.

...

"Kaya, I'm sorry about last night." Niall mentions once we've arrived in my bedroom. 

I've already jumped to my bed while Niall closes my door, his guitar still hanging on his back. 

He walks towards me and stops at the edge of my bed. "I thought about it and I was wrong. I _have_ been too controlling. I gotta learn to trust you, but you've got to work with me too. I'm not good at this."

I close my lips in a smile. "I know, I'm a bit sorry too." I admit. "I'm not good at this either."

"You're clearly better than me."

"No." I respond quickly. "It's both on us, it takes two, you know. We're _both_ not good at it." I chuckle.

Niall sighs and rubs his neck, parting his lips but nothing comes out. He tries again and actually speaks, "I got scared last night. After you left, I realized that I may have just broken us up and I got a little crazy. But then I thought, something that small couldn't separate us, yeah? We're too big for that."

"Are you kidding? I spent all day today trying not to think about you." I admit, seeing Niall's instant grin. "It's ridiculous! It's going to take _way_ more than that for us to actually break up."

"Glad to hear that," Niall responds, bending his body to take off his guitar and sit it on the wall. "But I get where you're coming from. It's really crazy, how, like, I miss you more when I know I can't have you."

I tilt my head to attempt understanding him. "But you do have me."

"I know, I mean," Niall lands on the bed and I scoot forward to be closer to him. "I missed you even more last night because I knew you were mad at me and that there was a possibility that you were done with me—that you didn't want me anymore." He pauses. "What I'm saying is, this—this thing is frustrating. It's amazing and the best feeling _ever_ , but it's also dangerous if you don't know how to play its game. Love, that is."

I purse my lips. "I agree. It's a deadly emotion." I grab his wrist and he leans close. "But if we play the game together, as a team, we'll be okay. We can enjoy it and love it and it'll be the greatest thing we'd ever have the privilege to share with each other."

"Yeah, you're right. The power's in our hands, isn't it?" Niall reaches for my face, his hand relaxing at my cheek to play with a few strands of my hair. 

He loosens his shoulders and exhales a breath through his nose. "It's just... although you can hang out with whoever you want, with Harry even—as much as that makes my gears turn—you're still mine. Just mine and all mine."

"I know," I reassure him. "You can have as much of me that I'm willing to give."

Niall is satisfied with that, and I know this when he alters the heavy tension and lunges himself forward at me so that we're both falling on the bed. He hovers over me and plants his elbows at the sides of my head, so that I'm locked down and have no means of escape whatsoever.

In a joking manner, he pecks at my face and travels rapidly to my tummy to give me raspberry kisses. I burst into a bad fit of giggles, and I try to shove him away as he knows that that's my number one sensitive spot in all of my body.

"Niall!" I holler, making the best of my weak hands that attempt pushing him.

The boy laughs, and he finally stops to come back to me, giving me a solid meaningful kiss on my lips. I bring myself forward to kiss him back, but he pulls away and withdraws from the bed before I have the chance. 

I'm confused as to why he's run away, yet I remain on the bed to watch him jaunt to my computer desk.

"What're you doing?" I inquire as he moves my mouse to revive the computer.

Niall doesn't answer, he just pulls up a new Google Chrome tab and begins to type something in the address bar. He must've pulled up some music playlist, because an upbeat song starts to play and Niall is turning up the volume on my speakers. He returns to me and reaches for my hand, his own outstretched in my direction.

He doesn't need to say anything, I already know what he means to do. 

Therefore, I hop from the bed and onto him, and he catches me with hands around my legs. I gradually let my feet fall to the carpeted floor, keeping myself attached to Niall whilst he initiates to dance to the music.

The beat drops and Niall loses it, with me following as my limbs break free from my body. I laugh at him because of his insanely silly dance moves. I'm not sure if he's pumping the air or fighting with himself. Still, it's cute and I move along with him anyway.

Niall slides to me then, his hands wandering along my sides that cause my arms to circle around his neck. Our hips move to the rhythm and I smile to my chest, because a euphoric wave washes over me and I've never felt more appreciative to have him to myself again.

The song ends and _Puzzle Pieces_ by Saint Motel begins to play, and Niall and I separate to jerk ourselves to the fast beat.

 _"I g-g-g-g-gotta say honestly,"_ Niall glides backwards from me as he mouths along to the lyrics, _"when you look at me, it's like a gun goes off deep inside of me."_ He shoots himself with a handgun and I laugh.

I sing the next line and both Niall and I bob our heads to the sudden tempo. 

Once the chorus starts, we officially transition into an all out rave and it's great and fun and I can't imagine laughing and enjoying myself this much with anybody else.

I'm laughing until I'm crying when the song finishes and Niall is chasing me around my room, only to pick me up and tackle me into the bed. He's tickling me crazily again and tears are fleeing from my eyes.

Eventually, we become tired and conclude to watch TV. I end up resting my back on Niall's chest as he allows himself comfort in the corner of my bed. His legs are long, so they join mine to sprawl out on the mattress and his hands widely hold my stomach.

We watch a few episodes of our favorite show on Netflix—which, I don't need to name because it's quite obvious—and when an episode has ended and it's counting down the thirty seconds to start the next one, I notice Niall gazing at my wall of pictures.

I tilt my head to join him, following the direction of his perception and seeing that he's managing a small amount of seconds until he examines another picture. He's looking at our waterfall selfie right now.

"What're you thinking?" I ask, focusing my eyes at him.

Niall furrows his brows. "Out of all the places we went on our all state Cali adventure, there's one place that we missed."

"And what's that?"

"Disneyland."

My jaw drops. "Disney! I can't believe we forgot that!"

"I know! We were right by it in LA too, I don't know how I missed that." Niall says, sounding disappointed. "That would've been so much fun."

I pivot myself on Niall's body to face him. "We can still go one day. We've got all the time in the world and it's not _that_ far away." I mean, it's a couple hours but it's nothing Niall and I can't beat.

"True true," Niall raises his hand and extends his pinkie. "Let's make it a promise that we'll go together one day."

I giggle at the childlike action but bring my pinkie forward anyway. 

"Okay," I say, entangling our fingers. His is much larger so mine looks short and tiny, like it's being strangled. I secretly laugh at the notion.

"Promise." Niall mutters.

I tighten our pinkies, my eyes fleeting to gaze back at his. "Promise."

My boyfriend smiles, his lips falling together to a close. 

We end up staring into each other's eyes for the longest time. It's almost silent now, except for the TV that plays vaguely in the background. I don't know what it is and what's really happening, but it's like time has stopped and Niall and I are the only ones left and nothing else exists around us.

It's a deep stare for the affection we have for each other and I can't break away. I'm officially locked into him and he's taken the key and vanished it far far away where I can't ever find it.

"Your song earlier today," I stagger, finally blinking. "It was beautiful. You can really sing, you know. You have a talent."

"Nah," Niall declines. "I can't sing that well."

My eyes bulge. "Are you kidding me? Yes you can! You could be famous with that voice!"

The blond boy scoffs and allows a bashful grin. "You really think so?" I nod.

"Okay." Niall retreats and inches to the edge of my bed, reaching for his guitar. "Then I shall sing another song for my biggest fan."

I sit in awe and watch as Niall settles the guitar in his lap, his head falling to focus on his fingers and the strings. It doesn't take him long to start a tune, his one hand strumming already and his other on the long slim part of the instrument. His voice sounds out when I least expect it, and he looks at me from time to time when he sings and then also back to his guitar.

It's a slow mellow song and I don't recognize it but it's beautiful nonetheless. I just continue to admire him; his voice and his features, and I sit back and let myself relax. 

I lose myself in a euphoric high, wandering my eyes all over my surroundings and letting Niall's voice the only thing my ears care enough to hear.

My boyfriend sits right next to my wall on my bed, giving me the advantage to gaze at our pictures from our trip while he sings. It's in that moment when everything suddenly comes at me, strikes me in my feelings and electrifies my stability. Memories of Niall rush through my imagination and him sitting right in front of me like this, so perfect and angelic, makes it the more surreal.

That's when my brain freezes and I realize what I'm really feeling.

It's love.

I am truly, madly, and deeply in love with this boy and my heart doesn't know how to take it. 

Like, I've known this for a while, I've known that I loved him and everything else, but now it's clearer than it's been before. It's like my heart has punched itself out of my chest and is screaming at me with:  _YOU'RE IN LOVE! CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE SO DEEPLY INTO HIM AND YOU'RE DOOMED! HAHAHAHA!_

 _Well, you know what, Kaya,_ I shout back at myself. _You are utterly and foolishly in the depths of hell of Niall's love and you can't get any deeper than this. So accept it, because there's nothing you can do._

The said boy raises his head to smile at me then, his blue eyes twinkling that starry-eyed sparkle they usually do, and wow, yeah.

I'm definitely right. I have totally fallen for him and I'll be lying if I said that it doesn't scare me.


	9. Chapter 9

I hadn't stepped outside in a few days and because of that, the sudden hotness prickles my skin and I remember why I had been confining myself indoors. The air is scorching hot and it feels almost like the sun above is lighting my hair ablaze.

 _Yup, this is the middle of summer_ , I think to myself. I've barely stood in my backyard for two minutes when I can already feel my armpits moisten from sweat. 

Right, no no no. I turn around and retreat back into my home, remaining at the closed glass door to gape outside. At least I can say that I went out, right?

In the midst of my sentimental outside staring, my doorbell rings and I lurch forward on my feet.

"Is that Niall?!" I shout across the house, hoping my voice was loud enough to reach my mom in the living room.

I get no response for an unusual amount of time so I presume my mom is in the process of checking our big window. 

Finally, she does answer with, "No! I don't know who this man is but he looks familiar!"

Obviously, that catches my attention and my eyebrows thread together in pure curiosity. I pick myself up from my spot and will to the door, glancing at my confused mom quickly before getting on my tippy toes to look through the peephole.

Oh.

It's Zayn. Wholly in his tatted skin and sharp black hair.

"It's my friend." I mutter to my mother before I grasp the knob and open the door, instantly being faced with his strong cologne and a nervous closed smile. "Hey, Zayn?"

The boy patters his feet and looks behind me, as if he's in trouble and needs to hide. "Oh, thank God. I know you're probably mad at me too but please hear me out, Liam and Cady won't talk to me at all and you're the only one in the group I have left. And I—"

"Wait wait," I stop him, waving my hand in front of me. "Slow down, what're you talking about?"

Zayn sort of relaxes. "What, they didn't tell you?"

"Liam and Cady? No. They dodge the subject when I try to bring you up."

"Ah," The boy nods, folds his lips together and points inside my house. "May I come in?"

"Oh yeah yeah, of course." I pull the door completely open and step aside, allowing Zayn the convenience of my home. He walks in and I close the door, and he waves at my mom before I introduce him.

"This is Zayn, you know him." I say aloud and my mom scans the dark boy.

"Right, yes, hello." She says, which Zayn politely bows his head to. My mom gets up and begins to stride away with her book. "I'll let you guys in here, do you want a drink, Zayn?"

I walk forward and sit on the couch, Zayn following and sitting two cushions away.

"Um, no thank you, ma'am." Zayn shyly shakes his head.

"Alright," My mom exits the room. "I'll make myself some coffee then."

Once my mom's officially gone, silence engulfs us and I want to speak, but I'm not sure what to say. I don't know what Zayn was going on about, but his heavy shoulders carry an unsettling tension and his fraught aura concerns me. There is something very wrong and I don't like it. Even the boy himself looks hesitant. I wish he would stop gazing at the floor and start talking.

"So..." I slowly rub my lap and meet Zayn's eyes. He keeps breaking our contact, keeps looking at me but then he glances elsewhere. "What's going on?" 

Screw this awkward silence.

"Um," Zayn emits and I watch his Adam's apple protrude as he gulps. "I don't know how to explain this, but I'll try my best to be as clear as I can."

I remain quiet and look him on, mentally telling him to keep going. I think he wanted me to reply, to further stall and add on time, but I don't want to play tag.

The dark-haired boy exhales a very big breath, his chest rising in the action. "Okay. It was like, months ago when this happened. Liam had dropped Cady off at my place because he was gonna, like, run an errand real fast and then come back to hang out. But then like," Zayn pauses. "I was feeling really shitty and Cady was there, and just, I'd been so lonely and she was there so I... we—"

My front door opens just then, stopping Zayn and whirling both of our heads to the intruder.

"Hey Kay, I got the—" Niall barges in, snapback on and tank top sporting his attire. His mouth parts once he realizes that Zayn and I are staring at him. "Oh, you've got company."

I get up and Zayn does too. "This is Zayn, I think you guys have met?" I begin.

"Yeah, hey, I've seen you around school." Niall remarks to the boy, but his pupils immediately shift to me. He points to the right with his thumb, fist closed, "I'll just be in your room, yeah? Don't worry about me and continue, sorry."

"Okay babe." I call out, and Niall gives a closed smile before taking off again.

I sit back down and widen my eyes, only to return them to their normal size again. That went way differently than I had expected.

"You two dating now?" Zayn asks.

"Oh, yeah." I answer, dumbfounded.

Zayn purses his bottom lip as if he's saying _not bad._ He blinks and says, "I'm not surprised, you guys have been oddly close in the past year. I remember when, like, you both hated each other."

"Ha, yeah." I flush, staring at my hands. "Things have changed." Before I let my mind wander to someplace else, I force myself back to the topic at hand. Clearing my throat first, I say, "Back to what you were saying."

"I... what was the last thing I said? I don't remember now." Zayn bites his bottom lip. I can't tell if he's being truthful or if he just doesn't want to bring it back again.

"You and Cady. You stopped right before you told me what happened between you two." I remind him and he nods his head.

"Oh right, that day... I was so vulnerable and I'm the romantic type, you know? I get really deep in my feels some days and Cady just happened to be there on one of them." Zayn explains, moving his hands this way and that as if they're talking for him. "Liam was gone for hours and Cady and I started talking, and it was just... so chill. Before we knew it, we were moving closer together and well... we um..."

Zayn didn't need to say it, I already knew from the details I'd been given. Still, he continues and I'm grateful for the clarification. "We started to make out, and like, my hands went in places they shouldn't have. But that's it though, nothing else happened after that, honestly."

I sigh in devastation. So this is why Liam refuses to talk about Zayn. It explains every sour face Liam has pulled at the mere mention of the guy's name and I finally understand.

"And Liam walked in on you two, am I right?" I add on, and Zayn's facial expression falters before he agrees silently. I drop my head and pinch the bridge of my nose, cursing, "Jesus Christ..."

"Zayn, why? This is so twisted!" I continue. "You and Liam were such close friends, why did you think it was okay to make moves on _his_ girlfriend? I mean, really? I didn't think you were that kind of guy,"

The boy sighs. "I know, I know. I've felt terrible about it, but Kaya... listen, I've liked Cady for a while now. I can't control how I feel, especially when she's always around with Liam, it's just—"

"Hold on," I interject. Zayn freezes, mouth open. I narrow my eyes at him and look at him closely. "So you're saying that what happened wasn't accidental. You've liked her for a while, so you meant to kiss her when you did?"

"I..." Zayn licks his lips and nods, ashamed to meet my gaze. "Yeah, I guess."

Oh man. The more I dig into this, the more I wish I hadn't let myself fall in the hole.

"Hey, I know you're upset with me, and you have all the right to be. What I did was wrong and I own up to it and I won't do it again." Zayn justifies, and through his tone, I can read that he really means it. "Liam and I got into a huge fight and now he's completely shut me out of his life. Cady too. They've both blocked my number and I've tried everything I could. I want to apologize and I want to fix this, but they won't let me."

Ah. I point to myself and slump in my seat. "So, this is where I come in, isn't it?"

Zayn scrunches his face, obviously not proud of himself. "Yeah, basically. I'm sorry if that makes me selfish but I don't know what else to do."

"Well," I breathe. I'm surprised at how good I'm taking this all in. "You're to blame for the most part, but Cady is too. She kissed you back, right?" Zayn nods and I wish I had been wrong. "Wow, yeah I'm shocked. I can't believe Cady right now."

I rub my temples, feeling a headache coming on. "Alright, I'll try to talk to them. I can't guarantee anything, but I understand that people make mistakes. And since you acknowledged that you were wrong, I'll forgive you, too." I look Zayn straight in the eyes and he knows to meet my contact. "But don't take me for granted, I hope you're being honest all the way through."

Zayn instantly gains a relieved smile and I almost expect him to shed a tear. "Ohh Kaya, thank you so much!" He scoots forward to pull me in a hug. "I don't know what I'd do without you, thank you thank you!"

"Okay okay!" I hug him back. "It's nothing, really."

Zayn sniffs and we pull apart. "I missed you guys so much and I hope we can all fix this, please. I just want to go back to normal."

While I have the chance to ask, I go ahead and say, "But... how are you dealing with Cady, I mean, do you still like her that way?"

"Oh, yeah..." Zayn concedes. "Of course my feelings for her won't just vanish into thin air, but I'm gonna have to get over it somehow. I can't ever have her, and I wouldn't want to take her from Liam either. I just have to figure out a way to lose these feelings."

"Yeah..." I say, because I don't know what else there is I can tell him. He's completely right.

Zayn blows out a gush of air through a small shaped O with his lips, and he glances at me once more before standing up. "That's it then, I should go. Your boyfriend's waiting for you, I wouldn't want him to misunderstand this."

I stand up too and follow him as he begins to make his way to my door. "It's fine, Niall's just hanging out."

Shrugging, Zayn stops before the door and buries his hands in his pockets. "I should still go anyway. Thanks again, and let me know, please, if you happen to talk to Liam or Cady."

"Of course." I lead towards the doorknob first, showing him out. "I'll talk to you later. Be careful, Zayn."

"Yeah. Bye!" Zayn walks out and waves, and I flash him a sympathetic smile before he turns away and heads to his car that's parked in my driveway.

When I know he's gone, I shut my door and rest my back on the wooden frame, closing my eyes and shaking my head. It takes me a moment to gather myself, but I overcome it and stroll my way down the hall and arrive in my bedroom.

Niall's obviously my first purpose, but I don't see him until I really search around the room. He's in the farthest corner where my bookshelf stands, and in his hands is Sam, a pink teddy bear he'd won for me at the fair last year. 

His head jerks to me and he lifts the stuffed animal, "Kaya, hey. I was wondering where this thing was, I thought you'd tossed him."

"No, why would I do that?" I say, going to my bed and falling backwards to the mattress. I sigh a really long one and Niall joins me, the teddy bear still in hand.

"You okay?" He asks and I shrug my shoulders.

"You wouldn't believe what Zayn just told me." I huff. I don't care about privacy, this is my boyfriend and we tell each other everything. "He'd cheated with Cady to Liam so now he's in deep shit. And he wants me to help him by talking to the couple and fixing their friendship." I release freely and Niall raises his eyebrows. I take Sam from him and hold it against my chest. 

"Ugh," I groan. "Why am I suddenly in charge? I never asked to be in the middle of this."

Niall scoffs, stroking the teddy bear's head. "So that's what _that_ was about?" I nod, pouting my lips. 

"What're you gonna do?" He asks.

"I don't know." I admit. "I'm still trying to process all of it, to be honest. I never expected Zayn _and_ Cady, of all people, to do something this scandalous."

Niall barks into laughter. "What, did they bang or something?"

I turn my head to glare at my boyfriend. "No. As far as I know, they just kissed or whatever."

"Then it's not that scandalous, but it _is_ still wrong all the same." Niall says, taking his hat off and running his hands through his hair, only to put the hat back on. "I can't imagine how Liam must've felt, that guy is too innocent for his own good."

"That's what I don't understand," I begin, examining my ceiling. "You've seen Liam lately. He looks normal, and happy even. I never would've guessed that anything happened to him."

Humming through closed lips, Niall shrugs his shoulder. "Maybe he's just really good at acting." 

I silently mutter a _maybe_ back, too distracted to reply because of my mind rendering this abhorrent situation.

Niall pulls me out of my thoughts by grabbing the teddy bear and setting it aside, to give himself the advantage of putting an arm over my chest. He floats over my face, trying on a smile. "Anyway, let's forget about them for now and go back to us. D'ya wanna go to the pool? It's really hot out, perfect weather for a swim."

I take a minute to consider it, but I accept nonetheless. "Okay. Let's do it."

"Yes!" Niall chimes before pecking my cheek. "Get that hot ass in a bikini!" He slightly swats my bottom as he hops to his feet and extends his arms to one side, pointing to the upper right. "Woop woop!"

To that, I roll my eyes and melt into my bed, secretly yearning to remain lazing there instead. I had remembered my brief encounter with the boiling outdoors earlier, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to face that again.

I look back at Niall, who's pulling his tank off to reveal his hotly shaped torso, and wow, never mind the sweltering weather. I definitely can't say no to that.

...

I'm kind of terrible, and I can't help it, but I procrastinate what I'm asked to do. Days pass by and I don't actually get to call Cady until a week after Zayn had visited me. I didn't want to think about it and I certainly didn't want to let Cady know that I knew. It's not my place to feel awkward, but. I know that I will because being her best friend, I _at the least_ expected her to tell me something this extensive.

On a dull interminable evening alone in my house—as my mom was at work and Niall was hanging out with Louis—I become forced to finally call my so called best friend. I sit in my dining room, staring at my phone and indulging myself into the silence of my house.

My thumb reluctantly presses on Cady's contact on my phone screen and I raise the phone to my ear as it rings. It rings once, twice, thrice, until the repetitive sound halts and I hear her voice.

"Hey, what's up?" She asks, most likely curious as to why I hadn't texted her instead.

I sit quietly, unwilling to speak. I blink and impose myself. "Hey, I need to talk you about something."

"Okay, shoot."

"Uh, so... the other day..." I switch the phone to my other ear. "Zayn came by my house and told me things."

The other line is silent for a few minutes so I check the phone to make sure she hadn't hung up on me. She's still there.

"Oh, I... Damn. He told you everything, didn't he?" Cady counters, her tone of voice obviously perturbed.

I affirm with, "Yeah."

"Hm. I'm not sure what he told you, but hear me out, okay?" She pauses and I wait. " _Yes_ , we did get a little bit intimate one night, and _yes_ , I allowed things to happen. But none of it meant anything, not to me, at least. I wasn't myself and everything was completely accidental."

"And," She continues, even though I'd meant to talk. "Liam and I sorted everything out. We're still together and things are okay."

Clearly.

"Cady," I heave a frustrated sigh. "You still cheated."

"Yeah, I know." She replies quickly.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

A minute passes. I patter my fingers on the table.

"Because!" She exhales loudly. "I just... I wanted to forget it even happened. Liam and I struggled to work past it and it was all so scary. I almost lost him, Kay. And I'm ashamed."

Alright. I'll give her that. If I can forgive Zayn, I can forgive her too.

Speaking of.

"Forgetting it happened, does that include forgetting Zayn's whole existence?" I start. I'm not taking sides, but. "He's still our friend, you know. He's been through a lot with us." I pause to collect my thoughts. "I understand that Liam's probably furious with him right now, but you guys can't just leave Zayn hanging."

"Kaya, do you really think it's possible for all of us to return to normal after this?" She asks sarcastically. "Do you think we can just sit around, laugh and eat popcorn, like nothing happened? For fuck's sake, Zayn and I made out for half an hour. Anything after that is promised awkward tension."

She's right, but still.

"You could still settle this in a nicer way. Liam too. It's been months, Zayn's had enough time to agonize himself over it." I explain, my fingers raking through my hair out of distress.

Cady sighs heavily. "I know, it's just been strange lately. Liam never mentions him anymore, and I'm afraid that I'll cause another fight if I try to. It's been so long its become a lost cause."

"Are you sure that's all of it?" I shift the atmosphere.

"W-what do you mean?" She staggers.

"You don't just _accidentally_ kiss someone back, and for that long too, Cady. I feel like you're in denial, that you're not just afraid to bring Zayn up to Liam, but to also admit that you feel something for him too."

"I—" Cady splutters. I've caught her. "Zayn told you that too?"

"That he's liked you for a while, yeah."

The girl curses on the other line. "Okay, yeah, he did tell me a while back that he liked me. And he shouldn't have, because that sparked something inside me, and I started looking at him more. I hate myself for it, but... I may have a spot for him too."

"Jesus Christ," I utter, my head drooped low now.

"But!" Cady blurts. "Liam means more to me. I love him and I would never trade him for anyone else, not even Zayn."

I swallow a lump in my throat, attempting to think. I'm not some relationship expert, I don't know how to figure any of this out. I shouldn't have to anyway, it's not my problem and I have my own relationship to worry about. I've dug myself deep enough, I have to climb out now.

"Alright, you know what you're gonna do?" I pick my head up and straighten my posture.

"What?"

"You're going to sit Liam down and talk to him. Talk this all out, how you feel about Zayn and whatever else he needs to know." I release in almost one breath. "Oh! While you're at it, get Liam to talk to Zayn too. Zayn's all but apologies and even if you all can't be friends anymore, at least settle something with him. Finish it off."

"That's not so easy..." Cady mumbles.

"Figure something out." I say. I have no more patience with this.

"Okay," Cady resigns, although her voice is small and unsure. "I'll try."

"Okay. Thank you." I'm about to end the conversation, but then I remember something. "And Cady... what're you planning to do about you and Zayn?"

"What do you mean?"

I'm reluctant before I state, "You said you feel for him, too."

"Oh... yeah," Cady validates. "I don't know, I'll get over it. I'll have to."

Her response makes me scoff and Cady reacts quickly with  _what?_

"It's sort of funny. Zayn said the same thing when I asked him that." I say, and the line becomes mute again.

An awkward beat, and another, comes and goes until Cady finally replies. Except all I receive is her humming a soft, "Hmm."

There seems to be nothing else that needs to be said, for both of us maintain a knowing silence. So with that, we bid farewells and I hang up the phone. I let the device sit on the table, my hand covering it as I ponder everything over.

Never did I think that I'd regret what I'd requested of her a few days later.

I'm relaxing in my bedroom—Niall laying next to me on the bed as he'd been napping the afternoon—when I finally receive a call back from Cady. 

As I press the green button to accept her call, I don't expect the immediate cries of her sharp sobs that welcome my ear, so I'm both stunned and worried for the reasons of this unusual behavior.

Not wanting to wake my boyfriend, I cup a hand over my mouth as I whisper, "Hey, _Jesus_ , what's wrong? Why are you crying so hard?"

In response, I gain what seems to be her attempting to make words in between her messy sobs. "Leem and-and I just g-got in a big fight and he doomped me and said he neber w-wa-wants to see me again, all becooz I brought up Zen a-and told him about how I felt—and oh, Kaya, please I—"

I feel something sink in the pit of my stomach. All my mouth can seem to muster is, "Oh..."

Cady just keeps crying. I sit to listen for a short time, until I decide to sneak out of bed and run to the hallway. 

"Cady, hey, I'm so sorry. Is there a chance that you could catch yourself and be well enough to drive? Come over here, yeah?" I halt, thinking of the best possible thing to say. "I'll make you hot tea and you can tell me all about it."

"O-Okay. Give me—" She sniffs, "—twenty minutes and I'll be there."

"Alright. Be careful." I hang up, and as I turn on my heels, I hear Niall call.

"Kaya?" He sleepily slurs and I stride back to the room, seeing Niall's face buried in his pillow. "Babe, come back, I need your body heat. It's cold."

I make my way to the bed and lift the duvet, only to let it fall on his back. Niall grumbles and I chuckle. "Cady's coming over, I can't lie down right now."

My boyfriend murmurs something that sounds like _fine_ , but I'm not sure since he's hidden and had said it so quietly. I presume he's fallen back to sleep, so I leave the room and gently close the door behind me. I go to the kitchen and proceed to prepare two mugs and our teapot to boil some water.

It's when the pot begins to whistle when Cady arrives, giving me the chance to turn off the stove before running to the girl's side at my door.

I'm taken aback when I see her distraught appearance; black lines run down her cheeks from her eyeliner, her nose swollen red and her everything just, the epitome of a hot mess. She didn't have to tell anyone that she was terribly upset, one could assume just by the mere sight of her presentation. If the word _heartbroken_ could be a person, Cady had lived up to fit its character.

"Oh my God," I gasp, already stretching out my arms to pull her in a hug. "Cady..."

My best friend cries into my shoulder and I hold her, trying my best to convey my sympathy and comfort. I've never been very well at consoling others when it comes to things like these, but I know that she probably just needs someone to embrace her right now.

"Let it all out." I mutter, patting her back. She breaks into a louder level of crying, her sobs heavy and dreary.

Obviously, Niall would've awoken to her boisterous sobbing, so I'm not surprised when I see him coming down my hallway. He's yawning in the midst of pulling his shirt on, and his eyes catch mine before his eyebrows knit together in confusion. 

Cady doesn't see him, too occupied with her faulty emotion.

Niall frowns and points to my front door, and I nod at him in understanding. He leaves my house and I continue to hold Cady, leading her to my living room to sit her down on the couch.

"Hold on, I'll go make some tea and then we'll talk, alright?" I reassure her, and she only nods to reply.

I make two cups of hot tea and put it on a tray, so I can also take a box of Kleenex to deliver back to Cady. The tray sits on the coffee table and the tissue box on Cady's lap, while she pulls tissue after tissue to blow her nose and wipe her tears.

She cries for a while, and I understand her for that, so I let her. It's a temporary cure.

When she's calmed down enough, she explains to me the events that led to Liam breaking up with her. Apparently she had sat him down to converse about Zayn, and it's when Cady told him that she had feelings for Zayn when Liam snapped and exploded into an enraged shouting ceremony. 

She tried to explain to him everything, tried to apologize, but he didn't want to hear it so he told her that they were definitely over (Cady's exact words). He then dashed from her house after taking most of his belongings with him.

"No, there's no way Liam meant what he said," I shake my head at Cady. "He just said that because he was angry. He would never break up with you, he loves you too much."

Cady doesn't seem so hopeful. "I don't know. He won't answer any of my texts, and every time I call him I get a dead end. I think he's blocked me, Kaya. He really doesn't want anything to do with me,"

"Just give him time. He probably needs to think and collect himself. Don't worry too much, okay?" I hold her shoulder, a tear escaping from her eye again. "Everything's gonna be fine. He'll come back to you before you know it."

Cady nods at that, and I know she's trying her best to believe me, but her fallen expression tells me everything. She's hurting and it scares her that Liam might really be done with her. And even if I know Liam well enough that she's wrong, that he loves her so much I can't imagine this even being close to the end, I still can't stop myself from thinking.

Liam and Cady have been inseparable since freshman year. They were the couple that everyone turned to for relationship goals, the couple that were voted the cutest in the yearbook, and the couple everyone thought would get married. Seeing them like this, it seems like I've jumped into some alternate universe where everything's turned upside down.

Who thought, out of our friend circle, that Cady and Zayn would get together and betray Liam?

The way I see it, with Cady and her shattered heart, happiness doesn't last forever. I already knew this, but it further engraves it in my brain and I can't help but think, _will there be a time when Niall and I fall apart?_  

Cady's stronger than me, and if she's like this, how will I be? I'd surely be a lot worse, and I don't think I'd even be sitting here sipping tea. I'd be the type to lose myself entirely.

Anyway, I don't want to think about it, so I shake the evil thoughts away. It's something for the distant future and I can't cheat my way out of it. Laws of the universe, or whatever.

Because of Cady's fragile condition, I make her stay at my house for the night. I know that she's not going to take care of herself at her own house, that she'll just hide in bed and refuse herself the normality of a human being, so I assign myself the job. I make her eat dinner and we watch documentaries on Netflix, in hope that it'll distract her mind. It works.

I don't see Niall anymore that night. I'd texted him that I'd be taking care of Cady, so he answered that he'd give me the time I deserved with my best friend, and I thank him for being such an empathetic person. He's amazing, really.

Only, this becomes an issue after a while. Cady ends up staying at my house longer than we'd intended. A day passes, and another, and two more, until it's come to be a week and Niall eventually can't keep himself away.

It's noontime, and Cady is still sleeping beside me on my bed, when Niall's head peeps through my bedroom door. "Hey," He whispers, pawing his hand to tell me to follow him.

I turn to look at Cady, and seeing that she's out of it, I clamber out of bed and allow myself to Niall in my hallway.

"Hi, what's up—" I'm saying, but immediately become stopped when Niall pulls me towards him and kisses me fully on the lips. I giggle into him as I kiss back, thanking myself for brushing my teeth earlier in the morning.

"Mmm, minty." Niall says. "I missed you, baby. I've barely seen you in the past week and hanging out with Louis is cool and all that, but I can only last so long with the asshole." He lowers his hands to my bottom. "And he can't really, you know, satisfy my manly needs."

I laugh at that, covering my mouth when I remember Cady's sleeping. 

"I'm sorry," I bite my lip. "Cady's still... unwell. I don't know what to do, I can't just send her home when she's still like this."

Niall frowns, sighing heavily. I realize he's wearing a striped shirt, blue jeans, and a new pair of green Adidas Stan Smiths on his feet. 

"You going somewhere?" I ask him.

"Nah, I just got back from shopping. Got bored." He replies and I nod. 

I'm fully aware that he shops when he's bored, I'd be dumb to not know this by now. 

"I got a pair of eyeglasses, look," Niall digs in his pocket and pulls out black clear lenses.

I knit my eyebrows. "But you're not blind?"

The boy shrugs, putting it on. "I know, I just like the way they look." He winks and smirks. "Whaddya' think?"

I smile involuntarily, examining him. "Alright, they do look nice on you. Makes you nerdy, almost. Like a cute, but hot nerd."

"Aha," Niall laughs in triumph. "Thank you."

"So, d'ya wanna go out with me today?" Niall starts again before I can say anything. "We could go see a movie, I know there's this new one that I've been wanting to see."

I let my face fall to respond to him. "Babe... I actually promised Cady I'd take her downtown today. She needs the fresh air and sunshine, so..."

"Oh." Niall retires.

"I'm sorry," I grab his wrist and let my hands slide to his hand. "Just wait a little more, Cady will be fine enough to leave soon."

"Okay, it's cool." Niall folds his lips together, trying to hide his disappointment. I can tell though, I can read him better than anyone else. 

"I'll just ring Louis up, then." Niall starts again. "Probably go to the gym or something."

"Alright." I reply, reaching forward to kiss him. It's a short one, and he's saying _see you later_ before he pivots on his feet and is disappearing down my hallway.

Cady wakes up an hour later, and I help her get ready into a decent not-so-sad outfit to go out. I even offer her some of my concealer, because the bags under her eyes are so horrifyingly deep I feel as if I'll sink into them. She gets enough sleep, but with her stress and depression, the glow from her face is nowhere to be seen.

We find a nice, relaxing coffee shop in the city that screams _HIPSTER_ and accept comfort in sipping on our hot beverages and listening to the indie music that the shop plays. It's great and Cady and I chat comfortably. She even manages to break a smile every now and then; sometimes a small laugh if I'm lucky. I feel proud of her, even though it's taking baby steps for her to find herself again.

It's a dangerous topic, but I mention Liam to her in between the time that were there. I ask her if he's called or if she's been able to get a hold of him, but of course, she says no. Liam never answers and he never calls.

She stares outside the glass wall and remains quiet. I don't talk about Liam anymore.

Although Cady is getting better, I don't think she's well enough to the point that she'll manage by herself if she returns to her own home. She has her own family, yes, but there are issues in those people too and I know they won't do anything for her. I'm the only one she has right now and I don't want her to go away either. It's probably selfish of me, but I've spent more time with her now than I have in the past three years.

Liam had always been with her, clung to her like a puppy on a leash, and I never had the chance to have her to myself. Being with her now, like this, reminds me of all the tears we shed through joyful times in middle school. We were the best of friends and I lost her after Liam took her away. I let it slide because I knew she was happy and I didn't want to create a problem.

So, I lied to Niall. Cady is going to stay with me for a little while longer. I won't allow her absence until I know she's happy again.


	10. Chapter 10

**N**

It's only 5 in the evening and I've already chugged down a pint of beer. I'm not exactly proud of it, although it's not something I find difficulty doing. That amount of alcohol doesn't even faze my system, I have total control of my disposition; almost as much as I would sober.

I'd been bored so I decided to join Louis to one of his college parties, and to be frank, it's lamer than any other party I've been to. But then again, it _is_ only 5 PM.

I gaze at the gold liquid swirling in my red solo cup, comfortably slumped on the sofa in the common area, now and then taking glimpses of the scattered people in the room. Blunts are being passed around a hazy circle of adolescents on the floor and the stench tickles my nostrils. I haven't been offered a drag but I probably wouldn't refuse.

Instead, I remain sipping my cup and watching on as if everything around me is moving in fast motion.

I don't know where Louis had gone so I've been alone for the past hour with the exception of new faces trying to talk to me on occasion. The thing is, the people who keep talking to me aren't the one person who I want to be with right now.

I blame Cady. That sad girl has taken my girlfriend and vanished me to a state of misery.

Not to mention, it's been 2 weeks since I've gotten laid. Kaya and I can't do anything with Cady always being around and it's irritating, to say the least. I've had to rub my meat for my own pleasure and it really sucks when I know I have a girlfriend who could take care of it for me to a higher degree of satisfaction.

"So Niall, do you go here?" A girl sat a cushion away asks me, long black hair running down her back. She's been attempting a conversation with me for the past twenty minutes. "I've never seen you around."

I shake my head, refusing to meet her eyes. I'm too entranced with my beer. "Nah, I'm still in high school."

"Wow, I didn't take you to be that young. You seem so mature!" She promptly chimes. It's not hard to catch the flirtatious tone in her voice and it makes me snicker.

"Thanks, I get that a lot." I drag myself off the sofa and give the girl the remains of my cup, turning away before she can say anything back. I plod off and inhale a sharp breath, my hands finding home in my pockets.

I might be desperate for sex but I've got my morals. I would never be the type of person to do that to Kaya.

My feet guide me around the home as I carefully scan a number of blurry faces for Louis, but the said boy is still nowhere to be found. I even attempt asking a few of his classmates where he might be, but they all don't know and I'm left to give up. That fucker is always ditching me in places without telling me things. I swear to God, I need more friends.

So, I abandon the party and head towards the exit of the house.

There's more people milling about on the grassy yards and sidewalks, and I have to take a second to remind myself that I'm currently on a college street. It's dirty and loud, the complete opposite of my quiet and safe neighborhood.

Frat boys crowd the sidewalks in their entirety of preppy polos and short shorts, and _Jesus_ , someone shoot me if I ever become one of them once I go to college.

A girl vomits as I pass her and I scrunch my nose at the spectacle. She notices, offering me a livid glare that I decline instantly by looking away. The foul odor triggers something in the back of my throat and I suddenly feel nauseous. Yeah, I'm definitely getting out of here.

I pick up my pace so I can get to the end of the street faster, since I had to park my car all the way there as every other space of concrete was already taken.

As I approach the big white vehicle, I notice a yellow splat on my hood and I squint to see what it could be. Stopping in front of it, I tighten my jaw and grit my teeth. Some asshole threw eggs on my car.

"God fucking dammit," I curse under my breath, turning towards a crowd of people. "Who did this?!" I shout. "Fucking fight me!"

Of course, that was only my anger talking and I'm grateful when no one steps up to it.

I can't do anything about the yolk right now, so I stare at it in acrimony for a few more minutes until I urge myself to finally jump in my car and get the fuck out of that ridiculous neighborhood.

...

Kaya's not home when I get to her house so I reside to laying in her bed and watching TV. I'd texted her when I arrived but she was at the mall shopping with Cady. I'm not surprised, those two have gone out so much together that I'm questioning who's really dating who. I understand that Cady's devastated about Liam, but. If she can shop, she can go home and live her own life.

Or maybe I'm just a clingy boyfriend. I can't help it if I need attention all the time.

For the time being, I make myself comfortable under Kaya's blankets and take a nap. I can smell her perfume in the fabric and it aids me to sleep, although I wish she was beside me instead. I even hear her voice in my dream, and then I'm being shaken to life and I realize that Kaya's sweet brown eyes are actually staring down at me. Her lips are moving and I focus back to reality.

"—you know you've got your own bed next door too, right?" Kaya sneers, grinning at me. I know she's joking.

I yawn, stretching and moving to lie on my side. "I was waiting for you."

My girlfriend smiles, and it's in that moment when I become aware of the difference in her features; her naturally straight hair is curled and something on her eyelids is making her whole face sparkle a little brighter. Her lips are also shiny, she's wearing a new floral dress, and altogether, she looks what I imagine a summer paradise would look like.

"You look nice." I comment, still eyeing her body.

"Thanks, Cady and I got a total makeover today," She opens her hand and displays her fingernails widely. "We got mani pedis and even got our hair and make up done. You should've seen her, she almost looked happy."

"Yeah..." I murmur. "Where is she anyway?"

Digging through her purse, Kaya shrugs. "Probably in the bathroom, why?"

I prop my chin on my hands, my elbows planted in the mattress. Facing Kaya, I exhale a breath of clear malaise. "'Cause, uh, you know... it's the middle of July now. School's starting up soon and we haven't spent much time together."

"Ni, what're you talking about?" She ogles her eyes at me, chuckling. "We've spent almost every day in each other's faces this summer. Honestly, how are you not tired of me?"

My eyes narrow. "Are you saying you're tired of me?"

"No, you know that's not what I meant."

I laugh. "Fine, but we haven't done anything together recently. You're always with Cady, and besides, she's got her own home to live in. I feel like she's moved here."

Kaya allows herself a seat beside me, crossing her legs and leaning her face close to mine.

"Hey..." She holds my cheek and puts on a warm smile. "I've missed you too, but Cady's still broken and I'm trying to help her get back up. You understand, right?"

My lips purse in a pout, and I become mad at myself because I know I can't say no with her staring at me like that. "Yeah," is all I muster.

Just as she moves forward to kiss me, Cady calls Kaya from somewhere down the hallway and Kaya forgets her action. She leaps from the bed and is running so speedily out of the room that I merely get to blink as it happens.

"Damn." I say to myself. I fall back on the bed, alone again to gaze at Kaya's blank white ceiling. I hear the two girls produce laughter and I roll my eyes. _Cady's still broken,_ my ass. She seems fine to me.

Now, I could get out of bed to join them, but I already know what's going to come out of that because I've experienced it many times.

Somehow, and I really don't know how, but those two join forces and they make me one of the girls. As in, they utterly forget that I'm a man and include me in their childish girly hobbies. I've become some kind of experimental mannequin in the past few weeks and I've had make up touch my face and nail polish painted on my fingertips. I still have hints of pink polish on my pinkie that acetone failed to wash off, so. I'm not risking that again.

Besides, even if I flirt with Kaya when Cady's around, I either get totally ignored or Cady disrupts whatever's happening.

Picture these:

 **Scene 1:** It's 11 PM and Kaya and I are alone in her bedroom. It's raining heavily outside with the break of thunder every so often. The lights are off and the only thing to be heard is the rain hitting the rooftop and Kaya's drumming heart as she lays on top of me.

We're smiling at each other with so much affection and the world is light and time is abnormally still. I'm glad, because I could spend my whole life gazing deeply into her eyes and I don't think I could ever want to do anything else.

But then, the world ends.

Cady is crashing through Kaya's bedroom door and Kaya is separating from me. The storm apparently brought back memories of Liam and she's dug herself into a void of heartache. She's bawling and Kaya pulls her in a tight hug and it's like that for the rest of the night; the rain, Cady's sobbing, and my bitter heart.

 **Scene 2:** Because I'm the best boyfriend ever, I'd concluded to attempt teaching Kaya how to play the guitar. We're sitting on my front porch and my Fender is positioned in her arms, her eyebrows set in frustration. It's harder to play than she's expected, since she's seen me play it so effortlessly—but I remind her that I've been playing it for so long, I've had a lot of practice, and that she'll get the hang of it eventually.

Just when she's learned to strum a small tune, the person I don't need to name is exiting Kaya's house and is rushing towards us. Kaya ends up giving her the guitar because she's done, reassuring me to teach her friend instead.

However, in time, the two merge into girlish chatter and I'm abandoned to frown at the sky.

 **Scene 3:** Kaya's always testing me; she's fond of doing whatever it is to tantalize me and my buddy in my pants and I love and hate her for it.

I say this because when I stop at her house to see her for a quick moment, I come to find her in the kitchen with the tightest fitting yoga pants clinging to her ass and a sports bra holding her chest. Her behind is facing me while she's stood straight looking in the refrigerator.

When I point two fingers in my mouth to whistle, she giggles and proceeds to bend down as if she's grabbing something from the bottom drawer.

And fucking hell. My buddy is happy.

"Now this is a view!" I remark, but I'm shouted over by another person from behind.

"Dayummm! Look at that ass, Kay!" Cady slides beside my girlfriend, also wearing work out clothing. They were probably about to do yoga, a past-time they found fun in.

"That's my best friend, go best friend, go best friend!" Cady dances and they bump hips, laughing to themselves as I predict the blue balls my buddy would have to suffer through later.

Fuck my life.

Other times, it's when Kaya and I are literally on each other when Cady bashes in. I don't know how that girl does it, but I swear she has a radar for when Kaya and I are inches away from the other. We could be having a heavy make out session on the couch and Cady would know. We could be in the bathroom—attempting to sneak a quickie—when of course, Cady just knows. I can't get anything done with my girlfriend because of her. I swear to God, she's like a child Kaya and I never conceived.

With that said, I surrender. Cady wins and I am short of a girlfriend.

My phone sounds my text tone and it forces me to cut my long gaze from the ceiling. I grab it from my stomach and lift it above my face. There's a text from Louis.

**From: Tommo**

**wherefore art thou, romeo? the party is just getting started and someone told me u already left :(**

I stare blankly at the text until I manage to thumb back a reply.

**To: Tommo**

**you ditched me. again. and the party was lame af**

The loading bubble appears on his side and it disappears, until it pops up again for a short minute. A message finally materializes.

**From: Tommo**

**sry, if u come back i promise i wont leave u. plus the party is LIT now :D**

It doesn't take me long to deliberate his invitation. I have nothing else to do anyway, Kaya's going to be occupied for the rest of the night—or for the rest of her life, more like.

Therefore, I swing my legs off the bed and spring to my feet, rushing towards the living room where I presume that said girl is in. She's on the floor with Cady and they're giggling about something on her phone screen.

I want to say bye to her, but I know she's too distracted and that she won't hear me, so I don't bother. It takes me a sigh and a heavy heart, but I leave the house after just a glance of her smiling face and that's that. She probably won't even realize I left.

I drive back to that same neighborhood despite the remembrance of the egg splat on my car. If that happens again, I really will be pissed this time and the idiot is going to know about it.

The nighttime has drawn in now, so everything looks completely different. The houses are flashing with various colors of lights from the windows and the music is definitely louder. This whole complex is so vivid it's like the earth below is shaking from the bass and the concrete could crumble any minute. One twist louder on any one's speaker and I don't doubt the whole population falling into a crater.

Luckily, I allocate a parking spot in the house Louis' in as a previous car drives out just as I pull in. I'm taking the keys out of the ignition and finding myself in the abode the next minute, drowning in the sea of people and the vexing death drops of dubstep.

This house has got to be the busiest on the street, it's overloaded and people are almost shoulder to shoulder. What's so special about this one anyway?

I shouldn't have asked myself that question.

In the midst of searching for Louis, a dark hooded boy stumbles into me and I balance myself in time to see him offering me a bowl of... gummy bears? He jerks it to me, as if he's telling me to take one, and I do. I pop it into my mouth unconsciously, unaware of any rational thought to be suspicious of something so mysterious. I move past the guy and continue looking.

Louis—the fucker—is in the bedroom at the back of the house. He's rolling a joint when I walk in, his menacing eyes perking my way when I enter. He's all by himself and _The Killers_ is playing from his phone.

"Hey, Nialler! There you are!" He chirps, bringing the joint to his lips and licking it across its length in one swipe.

I clear my throat and shake my head, my eyes blinking. "Hey," I say, although it comes out strange and I can feel my sense of thought fading.

"Thank God you're here, come sit with me." Louis pats the spot beside him on the makeshift sofa.

Obeying, I land myself next to him and watch as he lights the end of his blunt, sucking and pulling it out to exhale a gush of smoke the next. He proposes it to me and I wave it off, dropping my head to stare at my hands instead. My eyesight is becoming weary and I feel lightheaded.

"So, girlfriend still busy with the crybaby?" Louis starts.

I heave a perturbed sigh in response. "Yeah, can't get a shag with her around either. I'm fucking dry, man."

Louis cracks a laugh and sucks in another drag. I allow my eyes to watch him blow out smoke again, except this time, he looks almost deformed and the lines that draw his character provide colorful hues.

What the fuck?

The boy turns to me and his eyes widen. I feel as if I'm sinking into the cushion.

"Oh no, Niall!" Louis palms his mouth, bending his body to laugh even harder. "Your pupils are dilated as hell, did you eat one of those gummy bears?"

Regrettably, I nod my head and swallow a big gulp. Something is slowly growing inside my body.

"Fuck, those things have acid drops on them, no one told you?" Louis inquires and I hold my stomach, feeling queasy about the revelation.

This is bad, this is so bad. I've never had LSD in my life and I don't know how to handle this. I can already feel myself losing control of my actions and my vision is frightening me. Objects are warping into each other and my mouth is completely numb. It's almost like I can feel everything when I feel absolutely nothing.

"Damn, I hope you have a good trip, it's gonna last hours." Louis says, still watching me. His glossy eyes are filled with sympathy. "Parker puts really strong stuff in his shit, so you're going to be feeling a whole lot of crazy things. Good luck, my man." He holds my knee and leans closer. "I'll be here with you, so don't worry."

I wish I could take him seriously, but I'm angry at myself and the drug is taking over me. So, instead of expressing that emotion, I'm bursting into tiny giggles. I'm happy and I don't know how to control it.

"What?" Louis asks, breaking out a laugh upon seeing my stupid expression. I'm so fucked up right now I can't imagine what my face probably looks like.

Colorful bubbles are suddenly floating in the air and the room is expanding. I don't know how that's possible, but I can see it right before my eyes and my body is shrinking. My skin is burning hot and euphoria is leaking from my pores.

I can literally see everything; Louis' music is flying in the air as it carries every note and the lyrics are being spelled out in bright vibrant colors. It takes me minutes to believe what I'm seeing, since sound isn't really something humans can scientifically see with their own naked eyes. Every beat of the song makes a wave in the air and holy hell. This is some powerful shit.

"Fuck," I gasp, reaching towards Louis to grab his attention. "You got Led Zeppelin?"

Louis chuckles in response and scrolls through his phone. "'Course, what do you take me for?"

I just roll my eyes and wait as he chooses a song. It hits me right when the guitar riffs start and I'm unconsciously bobbing my head to the music.

My vision becomes a blend of crazy, crazy things with different shapes and figures, and I somehow find myself standing on my feet and strumming an invisible guitar. Louis' joining me not long after, and we're both screaming the lyrics in each other's faces and everything is well.

Until my perception goes black.

This doesn't mean that I passed out, no. I don't think so. I know this, because a series of events flash before my eyes and I realize that either the drug is making me experience all these things too fast or I'm having flashbacks. I'm not sure anymore, I've hit the peak of the drug and its made me lose all means of my composure.

I see myself first in the center of the house, jumping with a horde of people to some hard dubstep. Louis is surfing the crowd and he's shouting, pumping the air while the people carry him away. Bright LED lights are beaming patterns on the walls and I'm dancing so fast my bones feel like they're breaking.

Next, I'm in the backyard with a circle of people that I don't know. Louis is still there, of course, and the people around me are carrying a keg and pointing a hose in my direction. They're all loud but I can't determine what they're saying. The hose then reaches my mouth and I'm holding it with two hands, abruptly sucking it as a burning liquid pumps rapidly down my throat.

Sometime later, I'm lying on the roof of my car with Louis right beside me. I'm pointing out pictures that I see in the sky and Louis is trying his best to see them too. Except he can't, because I'm the only one with lysergic acid shooting up their brain and on that account, the only one who sees the sky breathing and the strangely fat cats jumping off the moon.

In the end, Louis and I are back in the room that we started from and I'm sprawled on the floor, unable to move. I'm pretty sure something bad just happened. My body is paralyzed and my face is pressed against the carpet floor. I can't breathe, so I turn my head to the side and come to see Louis staring down at me. His phone is up to his ear and his forehead is wrinkled in distress.

"Hey," Louis starts. Whoever he was calling must've answered. "Yeah, I know this is his phone." The boy pauses for a minute. I close my eyes and decide to listen. I can't stand the light anymore.

"I'm sorry, I know it's late but your boyfriend is totally plastered. I—no, he accidentally ate laced candy and he's had a lot to drink. He even tried to fly from the top of his car. I don't think he broke anything but he's not okay." Louis halts again. "Yeah yeah, I'll text you the address. Alright. Bye."

Well, that explains my current state of being.

Louis crouches down and sighs, examining me and patting my back. "Your girlfriend's on her way, so. It's time to get you home, buddy."

I wish I could speak up against him, tell him off for telling Kaya about this, but I can't even manage a croak out of my mouth. I just lay there instead, focusing on my breathing while I keep my eyes shut close.

It doesn't last long, because soon, Louis is picking me up and trying to make me stand. He prevails to pull me up so that I'm on my own two feet, but then my legs turn into soft mushy noodles and I'm falling back on the floor. Louis releases a line of profanity before he picks me up again and is letting my weight lean on his body.

With an arm over my back to keep me up, he leads me out of the room and we're slowly wobbling to the entrance of the house. My eyes remain closed and I free any resistance, allowing Louis all the control to maneuver both of our bodies.

I can't help it, but I unexpectedly blank out and Louis is shouting as he falls down with me, my mind shutting off and the world fading to nothing but black.

The sound of Kaya's voice wakes me up. It's like she's ringing a bell in my dream and I have no other choice but to force my eyes open. She's rushing to my side with Cady right behind her, and I let go of Louis to let her catch me in her arms. I don't know what it is, but the pain instantly lessens and I feel almost near to okay again.

"Niall, for Christ's sake, what happened to you?" Kaya bellows, finding difficulty in keeping herself upright as my body weighs her down. "Are you okay?"

I try to speak, but all I can muster is a small grunt.

"He can't talk, he's out of it." Louis puts in.

"Shit, Louis, why does he look like that?" Cady asks from somewhere. I don't know where anyone is anymore, nor do I care. I'm clutched in my safe haven and that's all that matters.

Louis explains everything again, from the beginning of the night to the end. He doesn't leave out any details, whereas I can only remember 70% of what he claims had happened. For one, I definitely don't remember trying to fly.

When Kaya's put me in the car, Louis mutters something at her and I catch a bit of it. Something like, _don't worry, he kept himself away from girls, so don't get too mad at him._

Kaya is thanking him after that, and they're saying goodbye and Cady's jumping in the front seat. I realize we're in her vehicle and that my car is still parked in the driveway. I just wince, I can't do or say anything about it even if I wanted to.

My girlfriend jumps in the back seat with me, sitting close to my side and letting me rest on her shoulder. She tells me to go to sleep as she caresses my hair, and I doze off into the final stage of the psychedelic drug.

It's a mesmeric dream filled with Kayas and clouds in the shapes of guitars and four leaf clovers, and I don't think I ever want to wake up.


	11. Chapter 11

It's 5 in the morning and I'm rubbing Niall's back while he's hunched over the toilet bowl. The poor guy's been puking every other hour since we got home. I don't blame his stomach for withdrawing its contents though, what with him mixing whatever hard drug he took with a sickening amount of beer.

Knowing his average alcohol intake, I don't doubt that he drank a whole tub of the liquor. His tolerance for the beverage is impressive, but it's certainly not something laudable or praiseworthy.

"Ugh..." Niall groans, keeping his head low in the toilet. "I feel like I'm dying."

Before I can say anything, the boy hurtles forward and regurgitates once again. Not much comes out this time—most likely because his stomach is empty by now—but he still looks as pained nonetheless.

I grab a washcloth from the sink and gently wipe his mouth as he hovers over the bowl, his mouth slightly parted in his heavy breathing. His eyes are red and teary, following his sickened expression that makes me feel all the more sympathetic. I have no doubt he feels like hell.

Niall's only partially at fault for this. He had no intention to take the drug he'd underhandedly been fed. It angers me, because who the hell has the conscious to drug someone like that? What if it killed him? My blood is boiling and I wish I could go back to that party and stab the shit out of the guy.

"Will you..." Niall silently mutters, his voice weak as he turns his head to me. His eyes keep fluttering close, as if he can't manage to keep them open. "Will you sit on the ground, I..."

I carry out his request by sitting down on the tile floor, the side of the bathtub allowing my back rest. It doesn't take long until Niall's crawling my way and is lying himself down, his head on my crossed legs and his long body settled across the floor. He folds his arms on his chest and closes his eyes, his breathing slow and steady as I begin to stroke his thick hair.

A few minutes go by and I infer that Niall's fallen asleep, but then his mouth opens and he's saying, "I'm sorry."

His eyes remain closed and my heart drops. That classic line composed of two words were enough to fuck me over because he's not in the shoes to be apologizing for anything. This isn't his fault, why is he blaming himself? I'm really getting the urge to fight that person who drugged him right now.

"Don't be." I reply, wishing he'd open his eyes so that he'll see how much I mean it.

"But I am though." He sighs, "I didn't wanna bother you but you're the only person I like wasting my time with. I got bored and lost myself, and now look, you're stuck here having to take care of me."

"Stop." I say, putting my hands on his cheeks and squeezing them together. "Of course I'd be here for you, I care about you. Why wouldn't I be?"

Lips pursed like a fish because of my hold, Niall answers with, "'Cause Cady. You're supposed to be taking care of her."

I break into small laughter. "What? Cady's alright, she can manage for a day. She's better now, and besides, you matter more to me. You're the most important person in my life."

That gets him to open his eyes, and I meet his gaze, unfailing to notice the content grin now drawing on his lips.

"I am?" Niall blushes, his cheeks warming under my hands.

I give him a look, as if my face is saying, _really?_

"Of course, you idiot." I emit.

The boy flutters his eyes close again and I bring my hands back to his hair.

"That just made me incredibly happy, you have no idea." He concedes, still smiling through shut eyes.

I let out a small joyful sound and accept the silence that envelops us.

While raking my fingers through Niall's hair, I observe his every feature on his face and count the freckles that mark his skin. My eyes always lead me back to his nose, because hell, his nose is so pretty and I want to put it in my pocket. That may make me sound psychotic but I mean it in a loving way. It's a hard concept to understand, you'd have to look at him this closely and carefully to get what I mean.

Niall chuckles then, and I'm confused as to what he finds funny. "I had that laced gummy bear, yeah? It had LSD on it and you would never believe what it did to me."

"Tell me." I plea curiously.

"Oh God, alright. I don't know if it's something I can explain, and don't get mad at me, okay? But it was so fucking awesome. It like widened my mind and I could see abstract things right in front of me. I had never felt freer in my life and the world just seemed so right."

"Is that why you tried to fly?"

Niall vibrates on my lap and I realize that he's silently laughing. "I swear, I don't remember doing that at all."

"Louis claims that you did. Said you didn't break any bones though, so I'm glad."

"Shit, really? That explains why my knee hurts so badly." Niall folds his left leg against him and rubs the top of his knee, scrunching his face in the process. "Will you kiss it for me, make it feel better?"

I chuckle at his request. "I'm not kissing your hairy leg."

My boyfriend pouts his lips and drops his leg back to its previous position. He perks his head up—his chin forward—to gawk at me. In a monotonous tone, he remarks, "You'd suck my dick but refuse to kiss a little hair on my leg?"

Something imaginary in my head gasps and I cover Niall's face with my hand, making a move to get up. "You fucker, take care of yourself then, I'm—" His hand grabs my leg and forces me down.

"I'm kidding I'm kidding!" Niall barks into laughter. "I'm sorry, I still have some of that drug in me, I swear." I join his laughter and roll my eyes.

When we've calmed down, Niall asks, "Would you be mad at me if I chose to take LSD again?"

I'm not sure if he's serious. He said it in such a way that sounded kind of comical but still honest. Either way, my humor fades and I glower at him.

"Of course I fucking would. That drug is deadly and if it doesn't kill you the next time you take it, I'll find you and kill you myself." I state, my anger illustrated in every word.

Niall winces. "Alright, _mom_. I promise I won't. I didn't even mean to take it the last time."

"I know, but you can't joke around saying you'll do it again." I say. I may sound really old-fashioned and lame right now, but I can't bear to worry about my favorite person dying. I'm not taking any risks. "And on a more serious note, you can't always be like this if I can't be with you. You have to learn to spend time with yourself and not kill yourself over the time we're not together."

My boyfriend gazes at me and giggles. I pinch my eyebrows together and wonder what he finds comical.

"You're cute," He comments. "It's so cute how much you care about me."

I melt, wishing I could lean down to kiss him. But I can't, not with his vomit lips.

"Damn it, I've missed you." I admit.

"Me too, and you know what, when I'm better, I'm calling Liam and were sorting this shit out. He needs to stop playin' and get Cady back. 'Cause I sure as hell know he misses her just as much as she misses him."

Nodding, I agree. "Yeah, you're right. She needs him."

Niall suddenly leaps from my lap and turns to me, his hands on the tile floor to hold him up. "Wait, really? You'll let me call him?"

"Yeah. As much as I love keeping her to myself, it's time she goes. And time for me to be with you."

Niall smiles a bright smile I haven't seen for a long time, and it's one of pure happiness and satisfaction.

I pick myself up from the floor and give him my hands to take. "Come on, let's get you to bed. I'll make you some soup."

"Hell yeah!" Niall accepts my hands and I help him up. He wraps his arm over my neck and I situate mine across his back. "Best day ever," He murmurs, as we exit the bathroom and stride carefully to his bedroom.


	12. Chapter 12

I don't know if it's the thought of moving with the plan of Operation Call-Liam-To-Get-Cady-Back that motivates Niall to get better faster than usual, or if his body only needed a couple hours to rejuvenate, but he's already normal and healthy by evening time.

He's cheerful and jumpy as ever, and I can't help but wonder if he's really okay or if his body's just betraying him.

Nevertheless, I can't stop him from grabbing his phone to call Liam.

"Lima bean?" Niall says once the other line answers. I give him an odd look and he just snickers.

"Yeah, it's Niall. Don't hang up on me, but I—" Niall pauses, Liam is probably talking. "Yeah, Cady's been at Kaya's for the past two weeks... "

He saunters to his window and I remain watching his back from his bed. "I'm calling because you need to come get her. You need to fix this, I'm sure you want her back—"

Confused as to why he stopped mid-sentence, I sit up and listen closer. Except Niall takes the phone away from his ear and is spinning to face me.

"The fucker hung up on me." Niall proclaims, frustration etched on his features. "I'm not taking that for an answer, I'm calling again—" His phone starts to ring and his eyes drop to the screen. "Or not." He shows the phone to me first, Liam's caller ID displaying on the phone.

He answers. "Yeah?"

Niall's quiet for a few minutes, listening to Liam on the other line, most likely.

After an _oh, okay, see you then,_ Niall is ending the call and widening his eyes at me.

"He's on his way." He announces, a small grin creeping onto his lips.

It doesn't take long for Liam to drive to my house. If I guess correctly, the guy probably jumped in his car right when Niall had called him. I know just as much as the next person that he can't keep himself away from Cady, no matter how furious he is for whatever she's done. Cady has him on a leash and she doesn't know it.

The tall boy is ringing my bell when we've settled in my living room, Niall on my right and Cady on my left on the sofa. Little did she know that this set up wasn't for binge watching Netflix to casually chill out—as I had previously claimed to her earlier. That it's really a personal intercession to bring the couple back together. Hopefully.

My hopes fly out the door just as soon as Niall rushes to open it.

When Liam's showed himself entirely to our view, Cady takes a sharp in-take from her seat and leaps off her spot. She's running to Liam like he's her matching magnet, and Liam's eyes are softening as we waits for her with open arms. The sounds of her overjoyed sobs and Liam's attained laughter lift something in my chest and Niall joins me to watch the happy couple.

The two indulge each other for a few minutes, until they realize that there are other people in the room, observing their every move. Their cheeks inflame once they meet Niall and I's eyes, but Niall and I just remain grinning at them like we'd been doing.

"So, I take it you guys are good." Niall speaks up, and Cady gushes into Liam's chest as he holds her close.

"I'm sorry," Liam says, directing his apology at all of us. "I overreacted and freaked out, I didn't mean to hurt anyone." He turns to his girlfriend. "Especially you, I can't imagine how you felt. I'm sorry I ignored you for so long, I was just... I—" Cady palms Liam's stomach to stop him.

"Hey, we'll talk about it later. I'm just glad you're here now." Cady reassures him. I know she doesn't want to get all personal and deep right in front of Niall and I, and I completely understand.

"Alright. Should we, you know, go or..." Liam panics, peering at me and then to Cady.

"Yeah," I exhale, managing a small smile. "Go ahead, Cady, go now. I know you want to be with him."

Cady disconnects herself from Liam and rushes to me, enveloping me in a tight hug. "Thank you, you've been such a good friend. Thank you for everything, really. I had a great time."

"Okay okay," I pat her back. "It's not like we won't see each other again soon, Cady. Don't make me cry."

The girl laughs, pulling away. "I know, ha ha ha, I'll go get my stuff then."

As soon as she disappears, Niall and I flare our eyes at the other boy standing awkwardly in my doorway. He looks almost terrified, most likely from the way I'm looking at him, but my daggered eyes are just a way to give him a small scare.

"Would you like to come take a seat for a minute, Liam?" I begin, backing up to sit down on my couch.

Niall widens his eyes, his brows raising. He's more than glad he isn't in Liam's place right now.

"Uh..." Liam murmurs, although he saunters to me and slumps down on the other end. "What's this about?"

At least he likes to get straight to the point. He's always been blunt.

"Well," I sigh, planting my hands on my lap. "I know you don't want to hear about him right now—or even think about him—but what're you planning to do with Zayn?"

Liam's face instantly falls.

"I'm the reason why this all happened," I concede. "Zayn came here weeks ago and told me everything. He's the one who asked me to mend this mess, because you refuse to talk to him or let him even apologize."

"Kaya—" Liam says, but I interject.

"I know what he did was terribly wrong, but you guys were best friends. You need to give him another chance, people deserve second chances, don't they?"

There's an underlying pain in Liam's expression, and I know that he's trying his best to hold himself back. Niall knows it too, because he gives me a little shake of the head, telling me not to push on further. Except Zayn's a friend, and I'm not taking my foot out before I've even put it down.

"No. Not with what Zayn did." Liam says, his voice hinting sincerity. "I can't just forget something like that, Kaya, I'm sorry, but I can't." He huffs, taking a breath, and I know he's not finished. "You said it yourself, he was my best friend. Best friends don't do that to each other. I'm done with him and I don't ever want to see his face again."

Just as I'm about to speak up, Liam seizes it and I'm left to clamp my mouth shut.

"Don't try, you won't change anything. I'm still mad at him and I'm firm with my decision. And besides, this is between Zayn and I," Liam softens his voice so that his next line doesn't come out as insolent, "leave it to us and don't worry about it."

My shoulders loosen and I sink in my seat. Alright, maybe I have put my foot down. I'll take it back now.

There's no way that I can persuade him, not when he's already being like this. I've tried my best, and my best isn't enough to pull him out of the grudge tunnel he'd so willingly buried himself in.

"Fine, but don't omit him from your life forever, okay? At least assure me that."

It takes Liam a moment, but finally, he says, "Alright."

As if on cue by the end of our conversation, Cady runs back in, her backpack slinging over her shoulders.

Almost instantly, I catch a certain new glow in her face, something that she's been lacking since being with me, and I realize that this is right. I can't hold her back with me any longer. Liam is the only person who can bring that particular joy out of her, and I don't question it, because I completely understand.

Sometimes there's only that one person who can make you feel genuinely and utterly happy. A pure elation that nobody else can give you except for that person. I know it too well, because Niall is that person for me.

Cady hugs me again on my porch step before she goes. She even thanks me again, and I tell her to stop because I really will become emotional if she continues with the sappy demeanor.

Niall and I watch as the couple jump into Liam's vehicle, and we wave at them when they drive off my driveway and out on the open street.

With Niall's arm on my shoulder, I sigh once the car is out of sight. "Well," I breathe. "Glad to be out of that mess. Hopefully Liam sticks to his word about Zayn."

"Mmm." Niall hums. "It can't be helped. You've done what you can. It's up to them now."

I chuckle and tilt my head to look at him. "You're only saying that because Cady's finally gone."

Niall grins, although I know he's trying to hold it back. He shrugs. "Can you blame me? It's been weeks since we spent time alone together. Having her around gave me a taste of what it's like to have a child. I hope you're not expecting to make one soon, 'cause—"

"Niall!" I interject before he can finish his sentence. "We are _not_ talking about that now."

Actually, this isn't something I want to even think about for another five years or so. Call me strange, but I'm not ready for children. Besides, calling that now would mean a lot of things for Niall and I. Before kids would be marriage, commitment, etc. I don't think that's something we're ready to even talk about. The future is a dangerous subject.

"I'm just kidding." Niall chuckles, steering me away from my thoughts. Then, he leans in, his mouth close to my ear. "But I do wish for some sexy time. Like, right now." The last part of that sounds like a growl, and I would be lying if it didn't ignite something inside me.

It's definitely been a while. How did his hormonal beast even manage to hold back for this long? Poor guy.

"Okay," I shoot Niall a flirty smirk. "Sexy time it is."

As if he's surprised, his eyes widen for a reaction.

Not long after, he releases me and leaps to my front, his back facing me. His legs bend down and he commands, "Climb on board. Next stop: Orgasm Station."

"What?" I laugh, albeit going on his back for a piggy back ride.

"You heard me." Niall says, before standing up and holding me securely by my legs.

With my arms around his neck, Niall begins to pick up his feet and we're impelling towards his house at lightning speed. Not literally—that's impossible—but with Niall's current acceleration, I don't imagine we're that far from it.

Niall shouts _bombs away!_ as he runs, and I have to learn to maintain my laughter while holding onto him, because the motion is so bumpy that I fear I'll fall off if I don't put effort into keeping myself up. I also have to make sure that I don't strangle him in a choke hold at the same time.

He's laughing too though, so, I think we're perfectly fine.


	13. Chapter 13

Niall and I only had enough time to do mini these and thats until summer sadly took its end. We went to the movies, attended a few more house parties (despite Niall's previous catastrophe; we even made sure to stay clear of Louis' college blokes), and more often than not binged at home as we usually did those summer days.

In spite of its coming end, I'm not angry or disheartened. I had the best summer I've ever had in my life, and I started and finished it with the person I loved. I wouldn't have spent it any other way.

However, with summer going on its way, it decided to take everything great with it.

On the Saturday before the beginning school month, Niall runs to me with news so great the smile on his face stretches from ear to ear. I'm in the bathroom straightening my hair, and Niall barges in the door and almost slips on the wet tile floor.

"What the fuck!" He curses out loud, finding his balance. His phone is held outwards in his other hand, the bright screen facing whoever audience he's showing it to.

I finish the lock of hair and put the hot tool down. "Sorry, I spilled water earlier." I explain, and Niall just shakes it off and rushes near to me. "Calm down, babe, what's going on?"

Niall seems unfazed with his almost accident, jumping on his feet and biting his bottom lip from his bubbly smile.

"Look look look!" He shows his iPhone screen. There's an iMessage conversation, and just as I squint my eyes to read the small letters, Niall takes his phone away.

"I was reading it—" I mumble, only to be spoken over by the idiot. I hadn't even made it as far as finding out the contact on the other side of the conversation.

"My parents!" Niall answers my unsaid question for me. "They texted me and they said they hit an epiphany. They wanna set up a Skype video chat with me soon! With us!"

My eyes are widening at this point. Niall's excitement can't seem to lessen.

"Kaya! You can finally meet them! I mean... it'll be through the screen, but we'll take what we can get, right?" Niall looks expectedly at me, waiting.

I just hold a twitching smile, unsure of how to react.

"What did you mean when you said they hit an epiphany?" I curve the subject, wanting nothing to do with worrying about his parents and what they would think of me. I know them and they know me, but it's been years. They could've changed their minds about me. What if they don't like the person I grew up to be?

Niall shrugs his shoulder, lowering his head to his phone. "Like, they said it's been too long. They want to be close with me again, get to know me and all that." He looks at me again. I can read how happy it makes him, how it warms him to know that his parents still cared after all this time.

"Crazy, huh?" He continues. "They let so many years pass by and it's only now that they realize what they've been missing."

I scoff at that, rolling my eyes in disbelief. "Niall, of course they'd still want to know you. They don't say it, but they do love you. I'm sure."

Niall tilts his head, scrunching his face as if he doesn't exactly agree with me. "I don't know, you don't really just abandon your son and fly to a different country if you love him, do you?"

He has a point.

"They did that to make money for you, so you could grow up and be the amazing man you are now." I reassure him, and it's working, because his frown has faded. "And at least they're trying, you know? They're trying now and that's what matters."

Niall sighs, locking his phone and putting it in his pocket. "You're right." He breaks into a smile again, his eyes now looking at me fondly. "My girlfriend is so wise. I love you."

I giggle, flipping my hair to the side to continue straightening the parts that I'd missed.

"I love you, too." I say back, bending my body to get all my hair.

Niall then sidles close to me, putting his hand on the small of my back and leaning his face close to mine. I know what he means to do, but I elbow his chest and he jumps back.

"Ow!" He rubs his chest with his palm.

"I'm busy!" I claim, showing him the hair straightener in my hand. It's steaming. "I don't wanna burn you!"

Niall pouts his lips. What a drama queen. "What're you getting ready for, anyway? I thought we were gonna order pizza and have a Disney marathon tonight."

I swallow something hard in my throat. I know we'd already worked past the other man, but I don't exactly feel alright putting his name out there. "I'm getting froyo with Harry real quick, but I'll be back in time for us tonight."

Niall's face falls blank. This is why.

"Oh." He quickly fakes a smile, acting as if it doesn't faze him. I know it does though, but I look past it because I know he's trying.

"Okay. Cool. I'll just sit in my house and wait for you then." He slowly starts to walk backwards. "Just..." Another step. "I'll just be sitting there..." Another step. "All alone..." Another one. "Waiting..." He's at the door now. "For you..."

I heave a loud sigh. "Niall, do you want to come with us?"

"Yes!" Niall jumps back inside the doorway.

There it is. Can anyone believe this guy?

I turn off the hair straightener and sit it down on the counter, all while thinking: _this is about to become interesting._

...

When Harry pulls in my driveway and I open the backdoor instead of the one at the front passenger's, and when Harry realizes that I'm not the only person getting in his car, his face attempts hiding his bemused expression but I can read it. He wasn't expecting Niall.

"Hey man, how's it going?" Niall chirps, scooting into the backseat and reaching for his seatbelt.

Harry's turned in his seat, and he looks at Niall, and then at me. He gives me a glare and I just shrug.

"It's uh... it's good. Thanks for asking, Niall." Harry says, although he's still looking directly at me.

"You don't mind me coming with ya, do you?" Niall grabs the back of Harry's seat, leaning forward as he looks at him.

Harry gives me another glance before he turns straight in his seat to start maneuvering his car out of my driveway.

"Nope, I don't mind." Harry eyes me in the rearview mirror. "So, CherryBerry then, right?"

"Yeah." I finally speak. I can tell that Harry's uneasy with Niall's presence, and although I love Niall and everything else, I feel the same way too. Our history altogether just doesn't exactly combine for a lively happy time.

Harry had meant to have a quick and fun chat with me this afternoon. He just wanted it to be the two of us. A friendly hang out. That's all it ever is. Niall knows that, but since this is a reoccurring friendship, maybe it's time Niall came to see it for himself. He'll know all Harry and I ever do and he'll feel more relaxed about him.

During the car ride, Harry and Niall make small talk and I just listen in. It's innocent _how's life_ and _it's all good, how about you_ kind of chatter, but it's better than when they used to just glare at each other. It's obvious that they're still not very fond of the other person, but they're trying. And that, right there, is enough for me. Trying is always better than nothing.

When we arrive at CherryBerry, Niall opens the car door and we both jump out. Harry leads us into the bright and colorful glass-walled shop, holding the door for both Niall and I and we thank him on the way in.

"Uh..." Niall stammers when Harry and I grab a cardboard cup, eager to start filling them.

Niall just stands there in front of the counter, unsure of what to do. He's never been here before.

Harry quickly grabs another cup and hands it to Niall. "Here."

"Thanks." Niall tells him, and I eye the two of them from my peripheral vision as I pull the lever for the Cake Batter flavor.

Niall promptly joins my side, watching as the frozen yogurt fills my cup.

"What's a good flavor?" He asks me.

"Try this, it's my favorite." I take my cup away so he can put his there. But then he brings his finger to take a dab of my froyo and I make a gasped sound. "Niall! I meant for you to get your own!"

Niall just chuckles as he sucks his finger. "Mmm, it is good. Thanks babe."

I roll my eyes and stalk away, willing myself to the sweet toppings by the register.

As I sprinkle little brownie chunks on top of my froyo, I hear Harry talking and it takes me a glimpse of him to realize that he's talking to Niall. He's pointing my boyfriend to different flavors, showing him how many calories and sugars each one contained.

Oh, Harry. That healthy one.

"Bro, I don't really care if it'll make me fat." Niall remarks, watching Harry with a mocking grin.

"Fine, just letting you know." Harry replies, then takes his cup and joins me at the toppings bar. "Hey."

"Hi." I say, sliding my cup to the register. "How are you?"

Harry and I haven't really had the chance to talk amongst each other alone, so I make it while Niall's distracted. He's still walking around, undecided about which flavors he wants.

"Am pretty swell, how about you?" Harry bends down to reach for the nuts in the back of the bar.

"I'm good, too." I say. "I know you weren't expecting Niall to tag along, but I asked him to come 'cause—"

"Hey, no, it's fine. Makes it exciting, almost. It's about time we became friends."

Just as I'm about to make a response, Niall's forcing himself between Harry and I and is reaching in the bar. I step back to give him room and I glance at his full cup. It's filled with swirls of different colors over the brim, and Niall's still adding on with a mix of almost every topping the place had to offer.

I catch Harry's disgusted reaction upon seeing all of it too.

"Um, are you perhaps hungry?" Harry asks him.

"I didn't know what to get," Niall says as he squeezes caramel sauce over the mountain of diabetes, "so I got everything."

I just snicker and Harry continues with his disgusted expression.

When we're all done, we put our cups on the scale to total the weights into prices, and Niall pulls out his card before any of us can offer to pay. Harry insists to pay for his own, but Niall ignores him and pays for all of it anyway.

Harry and I thank him, and then we take the cherry-shaped seats, with Niall close beside me and Harry across the mini table.

As I watch Niall dig into his yogurt like a mad man, I scoop a little bit of mine and stick it in my mouth.

"Is that good?" I ask him, and Niall perks his head up at me, nodding his head with his neon green plastic spoon still in his mouth.

I chuckle. He's honestly too cute.

"D'ya wanna try it?" Niall asks as soon as he finishes what's in his mouth. He scoops a spoonful and offers it to me, and I shake my head, not because Harry's literally right there watching, but because I'm not sure what kind of wacky taste Niall's combination would've cooked up.

Niall jerks his spoon close to me, insisting. Therefore, I have no other choice but to open my mouth and let him feed me. It's a mixture of chocolate and fruit and something crunchy, which isn't really all that bad.

When I look back at Harry, he's watching us with parted lips, his spoon down in his cup.

"Care to feed me too, Niall?" He questions jokingly.

Niall looks at him weirdly before he goes, "No."

I laugh silently in my seat, meeting Harry's eye contact again as we secretly giggle to ourselves.

Harry and I don't really get to talk much with Niall there, so I kind of feel bad. However, the whole time, we all enjoy each other's company and Harry and Niall get along pretty well. It makes me feel so at ease, because Niall seems to be warming up to Harry and it's everything I never thought I wanted.

Still, with Niall being the way he is, he keeps making remarks or movements to show that he's my boyfriend as if Harry didn't already know. He keeps feeding me and calling me sweet nicknames like _babygirl_ or _honeybear_. He's never called me those before, so obviously, it's really only for Harry to hear. It makes me wince and Harry seems to do the same as much as he tries to hide it.

I know for sure that Harry's going to use this against me later. Make puking sounds at me or something.

Harry drives Niall and I back to my house, and after Niall shoots him a _see you later,_ I stay at Harry's open car window as Niall runs to my porch.

"Thanks," I give him sorry eyes. "I know Niall was probably irritating halfway through that, but thank you for dealing with it anyway."

Harry scoffs, one hand gripping tightly on the steering wheel. "It's fine, Kaya. He was cool."

"Alright. I'll talk to you later then?"

"Yeah!" Harry calls. "Go on, your _honeybear_ is waiting." He teases, and I just snicker as I take a step back from his car.

He sends me a final wave, and I wave back before he lets the window back up and drives away.

...

That night, when Niall's put on Tarzan and we're sitting on his couch with paper plates of pizza, I ask him, "How was today? Did you like CherryBerry?"

"Yeah." Niall manages to say through a mouthful of pizza.

"What about Harry? Do you like him now?"

Niall seems distracted with the remote, turning up the volume as Tarzan's parents jump off their flaming ship. Poor Tarzan.

"He's alright." Niall replies, his voice bored as if he could care less.

 _Okay, then._ I'll take what I can get.

Halfway through the movie, when Jane's just appeared, Niall's phone begins to ring loudly and he's forced to pause the movie. I'm lying back on his chest now, his legs under me and the pizza finished except for the empty cardboard box that sits on his coffee table.

He scoots upwards and I allow myself off him, sitting up and waiting to continue the movie.

"Hello?" He answers, his eyebrows knitting together.

I watch as Niall listens to the other line, nodding his head every now and then as if the other person could see him. His expression transitions from three different emotions: confusion, astonishment, and then extreme happiness. Obviously, I don't know what's going on, let alone who he's even talking to. So when he leaps from the couch and rushes to his desktop that sits in the back wall of the room, my confusion grows even bigger. 

He turns the computer on and tells the phone each step he takes to reboot the machine.

Finally, Niall sits down on the office chair and puts his phone face first on his chest and whips to me.

"Kaya! My parents! They said to Skype them right now!" He announces, and my heart flies to my mouth so fast I feel like fainting.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Right now? I just ate five pieces of pizza and my hair and everything else is the epitome of lazy and ugly!

"Right now?!" I say aloud, the mere question still roaming violently in my head.

"Yeah, right now!" Niall replies excitedly. He turns back around to face the desktop, watching the screen as it loads to turn on.

I get up from the couch and saunter to Niall's side, my head spinning like crazy and my stomach ready to bring the pizza and froyo back up to greet the world.

"Hold on, my computer's still loading," Niall says to the phone, "I haven't turned it on in a long time so it may take a little while."

Niall looks at me, his eyes glowing as he nervously but happily chews on his fingernails. His legs are shaking and he can't seem to keep himself still. That's when I realize how much this really matters to him. How much he loves his parents and how eager he really is to see them, even if it's through a computer screen.

The blond hangs up the phone after he tells the other line his Skype name, and then I finally release myself and almost fall to the ground.

"Niall! I don't know if I can do this right now." I tell him. "You should talk to them by yourself, it's been a while anyway. I'll just be in the way. And I don't know if I'm personally ready to show myself to them as your girlfr—"

"What? No! Princess, I know you're nervous, but so am I!" He exclaims. "It'll be okay, they'll love you, I promise. Just be yourself." He looks at me with puppy eyes and—oh fuck. "Please please please?"

I let my shoulders sink. "Alright."

Niall releases a smile and it's all it takes to make me stay. He rushes off in his house and comes back with a chair for me, and I sit beside him as Skype finally loads and Niall tries to configure it.

Meanwhile, I feel like I'm slowly disintegrating in the wooden chair, as if my hair is melting off and my toes are ready to detach from my body and run away. I thought this thing with his parents would be tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. I'm not ready for this at all.

Niall's everything to me and I can't bear the thought of his parents not liking me. It's just a really big deal.

When Niall's found his parents' contact to accept their friend request, he clicks the video call button and my stomach churns even worse. I seriously need to get a hold of myself, but I can't help it and Niall can tell. He's rubbing circles on my back while we wait for his parents to answer.

Instantaneously, Skype makes its iconic sound and the black screen pixelates into two figures. The colors finally come together and we're (technically) face to face with Niall's parents.

His father and mother. Their faces are familiar and they remind me of my childhood years, except now his mom's blonde hair is shoulder length and his dad has age lines etched on his face. They smile at both of us and greetings are heard from both sides of the screen.

"Niall! Kaya! Oh my goodness! How much you both have grown!" His mom exclaims, squinting carefully at something below her as she fixes her eyeglasses. Their camera must be on top of their desktop or something.

Niall's smiling widely from his seat and I try my best to look decently normal. His father waves with a big smile on his face that looks all too familiar. Niall definitely got that from him.

"Hey!" Niall chuckles. "You guys might want to move your camera down a bit, we're almost staring at the top of your heads."

"Oh!" Niall's mom loudly sounds, and then her hand is grabbing the camera and setting it lower. Probably right in front of the monitor, because now it's almost perfect. Their image is a bit blurry, but I can't really complain when these people are literally halfway across the world.

"How have you been, boy?" Niall's father speaks first, the both of them still smiling at us fondly. "We seem to have missed so much of your life!" His eyes ogle at me as he says that, and I wonder if that statement also had something to do with me.

Niall shrugs. "Nah, I mean, we've talked on the phone throughout the years, so. You know I'm alright."

His father nods. "Right. But it's not the same when we can see your face like this. I don't know why we hadn't set this up before."

"Because obviously!" Niall's mom remarks quickly. "We're technically challenged! Just admit it, we're too old for this stuff."

Niall and I join the adults into laughter, and it's then when the tension in my body loosens and I feel completely fine. I don't know why I thought his parents would be anything other than this, Niall couldn't have gotten his easygoing personality anywhere else.

"So um," Niall says as his laugh fades to small chuckles. "I'm sure you guys have already figured it out," His hand finds mine on my lap and he takes it. I then suddenly feel my cheeks inflaming.

Niall holds our connected hands in the hair and I see his mom's eyebrows gradually rise.

"You guys remember her, yeah? Our next door neighbor, the person who used to hate me so much?" Niall jokes and I side-eye a glare at him. "Well," Niall sighs. "Not anymore. She's my girl now."

My chest warms and something nice flutters in my stomach. Just the way that Niall's proudly introducing me to his parents makes me feel so many good things in so many places.

But then, something inside me crumbles when the smiles on Niall's parents' faces fade to blank stares. What's happening?

"We're dating, and we've actually been together for what," Niall glances at me, "more than 9 months?"

"Yeah, sounds about right." I say as I bashfully smile back to his parents. I drop it as soon as I see their expressions though. If it were possible, their faces were falling lower and I really want to run away and throw up.

Why are they like that? Do they not like me? Fuck fuck fuck. They really don't. They hate me.

"Oh..." Niall's mom mutters, sucking in her bottom lip to bite on it. She turns to her husband and he looks at her. There's something being said between their silent glance, I know it.

This heavy feeling in my chest that's growing bigger and bigger with every passing second makes me grip Niall's hand tighter.

Niall finally seizes the situation. He looks at me with furrowed eyebrows and rubs his thumb over my hand that he's holding.

"Shh, it's okay." He soothingly whispers to me. I take a deep breath. That honestly helped me.

"What's wrong?" Niall asks out loud, and I think the question is directed at me until I look up and he's staring at his parents.

Niall's dad tilts his head to scratch his neck as he stammers, "Uhh..." He seems uneasy. "Niall, actually, remember when we said we wanted to get to know you better?"

Although it's difficult, I keep myself down and watch the two adults patiently. Niall's mom picks up her head so I can see the emotion hidden in her eyes, and then she forces herself to look down again. I don't have to question it a second time, there was definitely something unsettling her in expression.

Oh my God. Please tell me I'm just having a nightmare.

"We can't really do that with you being thousands of miles away..." Niall's dad continues, finally fixating his eyes to the screen. "So we thought you could come here."

What?

Niall springs forward in his seat. "Whoa, you mean, like, to come visit you guys in Aussie? Because we have like a week or so until school starts. That'd be enough time for Kaya and I to fly there and—"

No no no. Niall's reading this all wrong. Or am I? Dear God, please tell me I'm the one reading this wrong.

"No, Niall." Niall's mom begins, shaking her hand in front of her. "We mean... we want you to come here—" The smile that disappeared comes back to her face, "—to live with us."


	14. Chapter 14

This can’t be happening.

I must have heard Niall’s parents wrong. Or they’re playing with us. Or Niall’s pranking me. Or anything, literally anything at all, just not this. The whole idea is crazy all in itself. There’s no way his mom had said what she really said.

_We want you to come here to live with us._

Her voice is ringing in my ears with the same sentence over and over again. With the constant repetition, my head is starting to spin.

I’m begging silently in my seat as I switch my perception from Niall to his parents, impatiently waiting for someone to say _ha! that was just a joke!_ but no one does.

Instead, Niall’s mom continues with, “We, um… we bought a house here, Ni. We’ve concluded that we’re probably never coming back to America. And, just in case, we got one with an extra room. For you.”

The excitement that had composed Niall all day has disappeared. Even his body is completely unmoving now, save from his shaky and jumpy behavior just minutes prior.

“I… I don’t know about that.” He stammers, glancing at me and holding my hand tighter.

His parents must’ve noticed his quick look at me. They know why he’s being hesitant. I’m the one at fault, aren’t I?

“Hey, it’s okay.” Niall’s dad says. “We didn’t expect you to accept right away. But think about it, it’s a great opportunity. You can see a whole new country, son!”

“And there’s a nice private school nearby! You’ll love it.” Niall’s mom adds.

So this is why they acted the way they did when Niall announced me earlier. It’s not that his parents didn’t like me, it’s that their proposal meant they were taking him away from _me_.

 _Ha_ , I mentally laugh inside, because now I’m actually wishing they hated me instead.

“We miss you very much,” Niall’s mom starts. “We’re sorry for all the years we’ve let pass. It’d be nice to get to you know again.”

I can’t breathe. I swear I can’t breathe, but here I am, sitting still and quiet as ever. I’m actually screaming violently in my head but I can’t let them know that. Niall seems frozen himself, and I wish he’d put on an emotion so I can read what he’s feeling.

Obviously, he puts on the best thing he knows to disguise how he really is inside. Something he’s really good at even if it’s fake: a big bright smile.

“Thanks,” He says to the screen. “But I’m gonna need some time to think about that, alright? It sounds nice and all, but I have my own life here now, too. I’m not sure I can say goodbye to all of that so easily.”

His mom fondly giggles and both Niall and I are taken aback. “Wow,” She coos. “You really have grown up. I can’t handle how much you’ve matured without us.”

Niall looks down at his lap and chuckles, and I can tell that it’s genuine this time. He’s blushing. I should’ve known his mom would affect him this much. After all, she _is_ the number one woman in his life—though in a different way. My mom is that person for me as well. I understand this all now.

After a couple more minutes, Niall and his parents say goodbye to each other. It’s difficult, but I fake a smile and wave at them too. When their video box fades to black and silence immerses the room, I drop my smile and loosen my hold in Niall’s fingers.

With my hand back to myself, I let out sarcastically, “Well, your parents really _loved_ me.”

“Kaya,” Niall says almost instantly. His smile is gone and he looks worried. “I’m sure they do, it’s just—“

“I know,” I fall back in the seat and practically melt my body into it. “I was just kidding.”

That was really rude on my part, but I can’t help it. My mind’s shut down after what his mom had said and I don’t know how to act or what to say. I don’t even want to bring it up. Maybe if I don’t say it, it’ll cease to have happened and I’ll forget I even heard it. I can’t bear to think about the possibility of Niall leaving and—no, stop.

Stop right there, Kaya.

Niall sighs loudly. That catches my attention and I raise my head to look at him.

“Can you believe what they said though?” He says, his voice carrying an amused tone.

Damn it.

Niall’s still staring at the computer screen so I think his last question was meant for himself. I stay silent. I don’t want to think about any of this.

“Babe.” Niall starts again, realizing my lack of response. He turns to me and I look at him, and instantly my heart faulters because now he’s actually wearing his true emotion. There’s fear in his eyes.

I stare back at him for a long moment. Something’s got my tongue and I can’t fathom anything to say.

Then, finally, he shakes his head and says, “Never mind.” He gets up. “Let’s just go back to watching the movie, yeah? Let’s not talk about it right now.”

A wave of relief washes over me so strongly I feel like I’ll drown in its wake. Nevertheless, I stand from the chair and follow Niall back to the sofa.

Once Niall’s grabbed the remote and unpaused Tarzan, I focus my eyes to the TV screen but my mind wanders elsewhere. I can’t just forget it now. It’s in my head and it’s not going to leave me alone.

I know Niall’s thinking about it too. There’s a tight pressure swimming in the air and we’re both awfully quiet. We can both feel it but I think we’re too afraid to bring it up. I wish it wasn’t killing me this badly. I want to talk about it. I want to know what Niall’s thinking.

_Does he want to go? Is he even considering going? Or is he just going to deny them and brush it off?_

“Hey, come ‘ere.” Niall says, pulling me out of my thoughts. He’s all the way on the other end of the sofa, I hadn’t even noticed. “I don’t want you so far away from me.”

“Sorry.” I say, scooting near to his side. I don’t know why I apologized, but it’s the only thing my mind came up with at the time.

Niall doesn’t take it either. From behind, he wraps his arms over my neck and jokes, “Sorry for what?” He kisses my cheek and pulls me down so I’m lying on him. “I just wanted to snuggle with my girlfriend.”

I hold onto his wrists like they’re backpack straps and rest my head on one of them. Niall looks down at me from above, expressing a closed calm smile to which I return the same thing back. It’s warm and nice, and it makes me forget about everything heavy that weighs down on the world.

For the time being, I’m okay. Niall’s here right now and he’s holding me like I’m the last thing his arms would ever want to hold. Everything is going to be okay.

…

Days pass by and time begins to make me rethink my last statement.

Sure, Niall averts the subject for a whole week and I pretend that everything _is_ okay, but it’s not really going to be when no one talks about it. Out of fear, I can’t bring myself to pop it on him. I don’t know what’s going to come out of it and I don’t think he’s even ready to talk about it.

We carry on like it never even happened. Like the request isn’t waiting for an answer. But who really knows? Niall hasn’t said anything. Maybe he’s made a decision and he just hasn’t told me. Maybe he doesn’t _want_ to tell me.

Or maybe he’s like me. Maybe he’s afraid to even try talking about it. Too afraid to open it up and discover whatever outcome it’ll generate. It’s really scary, especially when it’s something that could put thousands of miles between us. It’s not exactly appealing.

Of course, being the person I am, I can’t keep it inside me for so long. I _have_ to talk about it or I’ll self-combust from the angst. So I resort to someone else.

Cady.

We’re sitting in her car, waiting to approach the drive thru of In-N-Out Burger when I finally rant to her.

“What am I supposed to do?” I ask in the midst of pulling out my hair and biting my fingernails. “What if he chooses to go? What’s gonna happen to me? I can’t even keep myself away from him for a day and now there’s a chance he could be flying thousands of miles away! Like what the fuck? I’m gonna become lonely and I’ll end up adopting a hundred dogs and then—“

Cady plants her hand on my shoulder, stopping me. She closes her other hand in front of her like a puppet while sucking in a deep breath. “Dude, you gotta take a breather first. You’re going to die before he even goes anywhere.”

I release a smile that can only be seen as constipation. “I’m sorry. It’s been a week and I haven’t talked to anyone about it. Can you imagine how mad it’s driving me? I haven’t slept in days!” I swear my eye is twitching.

“Then why don’t you talk to him? It’s not gonna be solved if you don’t approach the problem.” Cady says, full attention back to the steering wheel. It’s our turn to order so she drives up to the digital menu stand.

“I can’t.” I concede. “I’m scared.”

Cady sighs. “Kaya, I know you are but—“ She’s cut off by the operator.

“In-N-Out Burger, what would you like to order?” The voice asks, almost robotic.

“Yeah, we’d like four cheeseburgers with sides of fries and two large Dr. Peppers!” Cady yells to the boxed machine.

I widen my eyes at her. “Four cheeseburgers?!”

“What?” Cady contends. “I’m hungry, okay? Plus, you look like you haven’t eaten in days. I know you’re stressing out but you need to eat.”

My stomach grumbles its emptiness. She’s right. I haven’t had an appetite lately.

“Alright.” I say.

“That’ll be twenty-five dollars total. Thank you, your order should be ready soon.” The operator says, and as Cady drives away, she yells back, “Thanks fam! Keep being awesome!”

I think she’s forgotten about it, but as we wait behind a car for our turn at the window, she continues with, “Anyway, yeah, talk to Niall. It’s gonna be scary at first, but think about it. You’re not helping yourselves by ignoring it and pretending that it’s not there. There’s a chance that he could be leaving. You two matter a lot to each other and you have to work this out.” She pauses to breathe.

“If you don’t mention it first, then it’s gonna kill you forever because he’s obviously not going to do it himself. You have to talk to him.” She looks me intently in the eyes, seriousness engraved in her pupils. “You need to tell him how you feel. He can’t read your mind.”

I chuckle in my seat. “Now when did you become the wise one about relationships?”

Cady rolls her eyes and replies with, “I’ve been in one for the past three years. I’ve got it down.” I give her a look, reminding her of the whole fiasco that happened not too long ago. “Okay, I’ve _mostly_ got it down.”

We both laugh at that.

After we’d gotten our meals and scarfed it down, Cady drops me back off at my house and I almost stumble on my weakened knees upon seeing Niall sitting on his porch. He must’ve been waiting for me.

He smiles and waves, and as I walk towards him, the burger I’d just eaten spoils to something rotten in my stomach. I have one goal sitting in the back of my head and I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to approach the problem. I want to just live on with life and enjoy the rest of today with my boyfriend.

I can’t keep pretending it’s not there though. It’s going to keep stabbing at me until I eventually die from it.

“Hi, princess.” Niall greets me, his voice trailing off at the end. Cady wasn’t entirely right, Niall _can_ read me. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

I shake my head and take a seat next to him. While looking down at my lap and twiddling with my thumbs, I utter, “Niall, we need to talk.”

I’m not sure if it’s the wind or something else, but I’m pretty sure I heard Niall’s breath hitch in his throat. I instantly raise my head and face him, preparing to specify my last statement. It just now hit me how often that line is used before declaring a breakup.

“I’m not breaking up with you,” I lighten the strain in my voice and Niall exhales through a relieved smile.

What a fool. Why would he think I’d break up with him? He should know that I’d never in a million years—okay, don’t get sidetracked. Back to the point at hand.

Before I can continue, Niall starts and shocks me with, “Is it about what my parents asked? Because I’m not going. I already made up my mind the night they asked me. There’s no way. I can’t leave you.”

Oh, holy Jesus on a stick. Now I’m the one who’s breathless.

This isn’t good. This isn’t good at all. I won’t deny that I suddenly feel relief in more places than one, but now something new has appeared in my chest and it’s not a good feeling. It’s guilt. His last sentence sparked it in me and now I’ve completely changed my mind.

He’d based his decision off of me. I love him for that, I do, but he can’t decide something this serious just because of me. This isn’t right.

“Niall, I—“ I begin, only to be interrupted.

“What?” Niall asks, his expression falling. “Don’t tell me that you want me to go.”

“It’s not that… it’s just that you should give it a little more thought.” I pause to recollect myself. “This is your parents, I know how much their absence has affected you. You’ve been hiding it, but I’ve been watching you. In all the years that they’ve been gone, I know how badly you’ve been coping with it.

Like, okay, I get that you said you’re happy just being with me, but this is your _parents_ , Niall.” I stop to give him a chance to say something, but he doesn’t. He’s waiting for me to go on.

“I know that inside you, you’ve got a hole drilled just for them and there’s no way I can fill it. I wish I could, but it’s not the same. I’ve been lying to myself, thinking that I had filled that space but I’m not your parents. They’re the only ones who can mend it.” I conclude.

I’m going to regret this later, I know it. But I’ve realized what the right answer is and it’s not the one he determined with me in the batter. I can’t be selfish and let him stay just for me, when he could be out there patching up the damage that his family’s absence had incised in him. It’s time for him to get this sad matter together.

This has been bothering him before we even got together. From the very beginning, it’s been there and it’s always going to be if he doesn’t make the first move to do something about it. I’ve now realized this and although it kills me, he has to realize it too.

He has to go. It’s the right answer.

So with that, I add on with, “This is your one chance. Don’t let it get away.”

Niall scoffs and turns his head. He looks off in front of us and I can tell that his jaw is clenching. He’s getting mad.

I understand it though. I’m sure other people in this situation wouldn’t expect their loved one to tell them to go. They’d tell them to stay.

“ _Wow_ , when did you become a family counselor, huh?” Niall sneers bitterly.

He shifts his body to face me and as he meets my contact, I realize that his blue eyes have hardened. I’ve pushed a sensitive button.

“What makes you think this will fix it?” He continues. “Kaya, they abandoned me for years! Everyone tells me the same shit, like _your parents left to make money for you_ and _you should be appreciative_ but fuck that! They just fucking left me!”

I widen my eyes at his outburst. I’ve completely broken his walls down and now the bricks are falling on top of me.

“What makes them think that they can just try to fix this _now_? It doesn’t work that way!”

“Niall, I told you,“ I say, trying to keep my voice leveled. “At least they’re trying now. It’s better than never trying, isn’t it? And now it’s your turn to give them that chance. You have to forgive people and let them try again because that’s how life works. Forgiveness and second chances go hand in hand.”

Niall stays silent again, so I keep going.

“These are your parents, they play a huge role in your life and if you don’t let them back in, then they’re just going to be a black hole forever. You’ve gone so long without them that I think you’ve forgotten how much you need them. And I’m telling you now, you need them. Parents are parents. Everyone—no matter what age—needs theirs every once in a while.”

“No!” Niall snaps as he springs to his feet. “You don’t know what it’s like. You can’t try to fix something that you don’t understand.” He rushes off, entering his home but I follow right behind him. The door slams behind me because of the wind.

“I’m not a counselor or a therapist but I’ve got enough knowledge to know this much—” I stomp after my boyfriend who can’t seem to stay in one spot.

He’s marched to the living room, but since I’ve followed him there, he’s now willing himself to escape somewhere else.

“It’s the right thing, Niall.” I say to his back. We’ve relocated to his kitchen. “You know it, too. You miss them and they miss you. This is the right thing to do.”

Niall whirls around and brings his hand to his face to pinch the bridge of his nose. He heavily grunts in frustration.

“What about us?” He starts, shaking my sense of thought completely. “Did you think about what would happen to us? Are you even thinking about my feelings?”

“I _am_ thinking about your feelings!” I raise my voice, because now he’s hit _my_ sensitive button and there’s no way I can keep myself down. “I always am! That’s why I’m telling you to go! You’ve been suffering for so many years without them so of course I’m going to tell you to go when you’re given the chance to fix your relationship!”

I rub my eyes with both of my hands, taking deep breaths to get myself together. This isn’t the appropriate time to burst out. I have to calm down if I want to get through to him.

“I know you don’t understand this right now, but you will, and—” I’m stopped.

To my surprise, Niall turns himself towards his kitchen sink and kicks the dishwasher under it. The machine makes a loud startling noise as he kicks it again. And again. He puts a little more strength in each one, and he does it so fast that I’m not given the chance to try stopping him.

He stops himself.

The dishwasher now holds a prominent dent but that’s not the one I’m worried about.

Niall’s flung himself to the back wall, sliding his back on the cabinets until he’s sitting on the floor. In his anger, he elbows the wood behind him several times, a line of profanity escaping him simultaneously.

He’s having a breakdown. The whole pressure of it is putting me on the edge of a coming one too. But I have to keep my composure. At least one of us has to.

Then, everything freezes. The thumping sound of Niall hitting the cabinet stops and everything is silent. That is, until I walk forward and hear Niall choke back small and tight sobs.

“Tell me to stay, Kaya. Why won’t you tell me to stay?” He plants his hands on the floor around him and looks up at me. “You love me, don’t you?”

“I do.” I don’t hesitate to answer.

“Then tell me to stay.”

I inhale a long breath as I kneel down in front of him. “I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” He shouts, his voice cracking with pain.

“Because, Niall!” I shout back. “I can’t make that decision for you!”

“But you _are_ making it for me anyway!” Niall bellows. “Don’t you get it? Everything in my life revolves around you!”

Something rattles in my chest and I feel as if my throat’s been caught. It’s my heart. It’s climbed up my body and it’s trying to kill me.

It didn’t have to be this way. I could’ve told Niall to stay and we would’ve been okay. We would’ve enjoyed the rest of our summer in carefree bliss and he wouldn’t be beating himself up like he is right now. We could’ve kept driving on the lane to happily ever after as we have been for the past summer.

But alas, that lane has hit a dead end.

I can’t be selfish about this. It’s his turn now. He’s always been the one to put me first, always the one who put my happiness before his own. Now it’s time for him to put himself first.

“Please…” Niall begs, hiding his face with his palms. “Tell me to stay.”

I release a big sigh and lean forward to grab Niall’s hands, revealing his reddened face. I hold his hands firmly in mine so that he can fully take in my next statement.

“I’m sorry.”

Niall’s hands harden in my own. “Why are you doing this?”

_What?_

“If you loved me, you would’ve told me to stay.” He affirms.

“No,” I shake my head. “If I loved you, I would let you go.”

Niall mockingly chuckles, turning his head to break our gaze. “That’s such a cliché phrase. And it’s stupid and shitty because it absolutely makes no sense.”

I inwardly groan. He’s not understanding right now.

“Niall, baby, I love you.” I say clearly so that every word is thoroughly enunciated. “I don’t think you realize how much I do.”

That gets him to look at me again. His blue eyes have softened.

“Of course I wouldn’t want you to go, but you have to understand the situation.” I persist. “And this doesn’t mean that we have to breakup. There’s a thing called a long distance relationship, you know? We’re in the 21st century. There’s Skype and facetime and phones and—”

Niall scoffs. “Those never work.”

“We can make it work.” I automatically say.

The blond drops his head and shakes his head. “I don’t know. I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.”

I heave out air from my nose in aggravation. “We haven’t been talking about it for a week, we have to talk about it now.” I understand this is emotionally exhausting but we have to work this out. “Just think about it at least, please?”

Niall raises his head and stares at me for a long moment. His narrowed eyes are trying to figure me out, I can tell. He’s frowning like a little five year old boy whose mom’s just refused him a toy from the supermarket.

“What will become of us?” He starts, his voice so low it’s almost a whisper. “If I go, what are we gonna do? You’ll be so far away from me and I don’t know if I can handle that. I won’t be able to hold you at night until you fall asleep, or kiss your cheeks or rub your tummy or—“ Niall chokes. “I don’t want to not be able to touch you.”

By God, my heart is hurting.

I lean closer to him, wrapping my arms around his neck so I can hug him and rest my head on his shoulder. “I’ll miss it, too.” I say.

Oh, how I’ll miss it.

“But this isn’t the end.” I mutter as Niall puts his arms around me too.

Our hold on each other becomes tighter as I continue, “I love you too much. Of course I’m not letting you go completely. I just want you to fix things with your parents first. And then, from there, we’ll see where it takes us.” I pick up my head to meet his gaze. “Okay?”

It takes him a long minute and another tight squeeze until he replies. He murmurs an _okay_ so mute that if the house wasn’t so quiet and dark, I wouldn’t have been able to hear it.

And if he wasn’t here right now, wasn’t holding me so close with his arms so tight around me, I probably would’ve bursted out crying. I would’ve let my heart bleed through the holes that this whole solution has daggered and Iet it leak out completely. That’s how it feels, this heartache. It’s draining me and I’m almost dry.

The truth is, being in love with Niall has been the best but it’s also been the worse. I think I’ve let myself depend on his love for way too long. I’ve crossed the limits that I never thought I would put down.

He’s brought me a whole new definition of happiness and it’s a high so addicting and spectacular that I never thought it was even possible to feel.

Love is magical in that way, I guess.

And I’m scared of it. I always had been since I realized how deeply in love I was with him.

Because let’s face it, this high isn’t going to last forever. All good things come to an end. Eventually. If not completely, then it just won’t be as good as it once used to be.

Even if I had told Niall to stay, and even if we had carried on a little while longer in this dream that we were living in, it would’ve ended sooner or later. One of us would’ve left because of something inevitable that would separate us and someone would be left in a confused heartbreak.

I know it wouldn’t be me either. I’m too screwed into him that he’d probably be the first one to leave. I don’t know what about, but something would make him and he’d just leave me out of the blue; leave me to drown in the sea of his love with no sign of land or shore to try breathing again.

I can’t bear to think about how much pain it’d bring me when that time comes around. When he’d leave me and stop loving me altogether. I’d die.

Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic or maybe I care too much about my heart to let it suffer that way.

Someone’s got to take that first step back and it’s just so unfortunate that I’m the one to do it.

Don’t take it the wrong way, but my main point for him leaving is to reconcile with his parents, yes, _and_ for him to discover that certain happiness only family can bring that I never would’ve been able to give him; However, I think I’ve fooled myself because I also want him to go so I can have the chance to lessen my love for him. To try separating myself from him to see if I can last.

So in that case, when he _does_ officially leave me in the future, it won’t hurt as much as it would if he were to now.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Warning: Smut! You’ll know when it happens *winking emoji*)

**N**

Three and a half years ago, I had just gotten home from a week long school trip and was jumping out of a loud, yellow school bus. I was fresh into high school at the age of fifteen, so I had my braces and my hair was so long it covered my ears and swept over my eyes. It was the Justin Bieber shag and it was cool at the time, so.

Plus, I was a big JB fan. I could never go wrong by pulling out my acoustic guitar and singing _One Time_ or _Baby_ to impress the ladies. It almost always worked.

Anyhow, seeing as I was pretty young back then, I was definitely happier and more carefree about life. My smiles were the biggest they’d ever been and my laughter carried a unique chime. I hadn’t woken up about the world yet, hadn’t learned about the bad people or the shit the world was going through.

I had nothing to worry about and I had always been pretty laid-back in school. I kept myself out of drama and nothing really bothered me. Sure, I only had one real friend, but he was all I ever needed. He was Louis, and he was the older guy who always had my back in times of need. He still is.

(Well, when he isn’t ditching me.)

I was happy Niall then. Just me, my big white-toothed smile, and my carefree skinny self.

That Friday, I had just gotten back from a trip to Anaheim. I was in a leadership club and we had to compete, so we stayed in a nice hotel for a whole week. So when I got back home, I was full of stories and achievements that I had obtained from the trip.

Excitement was the only emotion bubbling in my stomach when I imagined what my mom would say when I told her about it all. How proud she would be when I showed her the medal I got for taking 1st place.

As I basically hopped my way to my front door, I could hear someone else’s steps nearby and it just occurred to me that she had also jumped off the bus after I did. It was Kaya, my next door neighbor, and she was willing herself to her house as well.

My chin met my shoulder as I turned to watch her walk by, a smirk hitching on my lips at the same time. I thought about yelling something dirty just to annoy her, but I thought better of it since she hated me enough as it was.

She caught my stare and instantly pulled on a disgusted face. I just scoffed. I thought she was cute. She hated me then, and I liked her in an annoyingly weird way. We had no idea how much things would change for us in a few years time.

When I unlocked my front door and entered my home, I was suddenly hit with an eerie feeling. The house was quiet and empty. It was never like that when I got home every day after school; my dad was usually in the living room watching a soccer game while my mom occupied herself in the kitchen, banging pots and pans together to prepare supper.

Not that day.

“Mom?” I yelled into the house, still holding the doorknob behind me. “Dad?” I threw my backpack to the floor and crept deeper inside. “Hello? Is anyone home?”

When pure silence was the only reply I received back, my chest contracted and I knew something was wrong. My parents were _always_ home. I couldn’t understand why they weren’t then.

Therefore, I rushed through the main rooms to see if they were there, but they weren’t. With a racing heart, I continued my search and ran to my parents’ room, only to find that area vacant as well.

_What the hell?_

That’s when it smacked me in the face. I didn’t know how I hadn’t realized it when I entered the room, but miscellaneous things were missing and the walls were entirely bare. Everything was gone. Even the bed was naked; all the sheets, blankets, and pillows removed. It was just a sad white mattress.

Come to think of it, other things were missing when I had zoomed through the other rooms earlier. I was too caught up in my own head to realize it. I had now though, and the first thought that came to mind was that we had been robbed. That’s the only explanation I could think of.

I hurried back to the center of the house to make sure. I was ready to call the cops; however, in the corner of my eye, I caught something white on my dining room table. I plodded to it, my hand already extending to the piece of white paper.

My heart fell to my feet when I read the note written on it.

_Niall,_

_We had to fly to Australia for urgent business matters. We packed up our things because we’re not sure how long we’ll take. And we couldn’t tell you before you left as we had been informed too late._

_We’re sorry. We know this may make us bad parents, but we couldn’t make ourselves tell you on the phone instead. We shouldn’t take too long, so don’t worry. There’s money in the envelope for whatever you need while we’re gone._

_Take care and lots of love, mom and dad._

No.

What?

No!

Was this some kind of sick joke? There’s no way this was real. My parents must’ve been pranking me. They knew I’d be gone for a whole week, so they probably planned something to get a quick laugh for when I came back.

I laughed there like that, holding that piece of paper. Out of all the places in the world, they chose Australia? _Ha ha ha, very funny!_ They couldn’t have picked a more random place.

“You guys can come out now,” I said aloud, positive that the entire house had heard me. I stood my ground with an amused smile, ready for my parents to appear from their hiding places and tackle me in with welcoming hugs.

I stood there for a while.

It must’ve taken me thirty minutes until I finally put it through my head that they weren’t coming. That they weren’t even in the house at all. The note had been legit. My parents had packed up their shit and had really flown all the way to fucking Australia.

Without me. Without their son who was barely fifteen.

My smile dropped then. And it never rose again for a long time.

I didn’t think much of it for the time being. I thought they’d be back soon, as the note had said. So I figured, _hey, this isn’t so bad! I have the whole house to myself and I can do whatever the hell I want!_

Of course, I took off all my clothes and ran around the place completely naked. I danced with loud music and ate waffles with mountains of whipped cream on top of them. I even found my parents’ alcohol that they’d hidden in the garage and got drunk for the first time.

The whole house was a mess; _I_ was a mess, but it was great.

Only, time went by and the fun lessened. I was completely alone in that big house and I ended up talking to myself. I could’ve held a party, yes, but that couldn’t really happen when I didn’t have any friends. Louis came by sometimes, but it was never enough.

A few months passed, my parents never came back and they never called. I couldn’t call _them_ because their American number obviously didn’t work.

I fell into depression. Happy Niall became no more.

At night, I found myself sitting on the floor and staring at the walls. I talked to them like they were my friends, only they didn’t reply because they were, well, walls. I was so lonely and I had nobody. I felt unwanted and neglected.

Did my parents really hate me so much that they just left me like that? I guessed they didn’t care about me anymore.

For days on end, I went to school and kept myself away from everybody else. I pretended I was okay so no one would worry. I kept a big smile on my face and everyone seemed to believe it. That was good enough for me, anyway. I didn’t want to burden other people with my silly problems.

At night, I’d have nightmares and woke up screaming so loudly I’d cry. I would curl my body into a ball and rock back and forth to try blocking the scary voices away. They were always whispering to me, saying, _your parents don’t love you your parents don’t love you your parents don’t love you._

I thought it’d get worse to the point that I’d cut myself or commit suicide. It didn’t, gratefully. Something happened and it kept me away from reaching that high peak in my depression.

It was dinner time and I had pizza rolls baking in the oven when my doorbell rang for the first time in months. I jumped on my feet and ran to the door as if my life depended on it, as if I’d die if I didn’t make it on time.

Frankly, I was excited because I thought my parents had finally come home. They didn’t forget me. They came back because they cared about me after all.

I opened the door and felt betrayed. It wasn’t them.

It was my next door neighbor, long brown hair and brown eyes gaping at me with a big pot in her hands. Her expression scrunched as if she had just smelled something sour, and I realized that I hadn’t showered in two weeks. I had also been drinking beer.

Fuck. Here’s my crush staring at me while I looked like a homeless freak.

“Um, my mom told me to bring you guys this chicken stew she made.” She searched behind my shoulders, inside the house. “Are your parents home?”

“No,” I replied.

Kaya kept staring, waiting for me to go on, as if she were expecting me to tell her when they’d come back. I didn’t want to tell her, but her fucking brown eyes squeezed it out of me.

“They haven’t been home in six months.” I admitted, and it was then that she widened her eyes. “They flew to Australia and I haven’t heard from them since.”

“What?” She gasped. She bent down to put the pot on the ground, and I felt bad because it was probably heavy and I hadn’t taken it from her.

“Is that why you look like that?” She pointed at me, her lips pursed in distaste.

“You don’t look any better yourself, ugly.” I hissed back.

Kaya suddenly looked mad. I didn’t know my comment would affect her, I had called her much worse things before.

“No, I meant the deep bags under your eyes and the stains on your shirt.” Kaya further explained. “And the house reeks like something’s died in there, is everything okay?”

Her brown eyes landed back to meet mine and she asked something I never thought would make me feel so good.

“Are you okay?”

It rang in my head a few more times and I had to take a moment to keep myself together.

I probably would’ve hugged her and cried on her shoulder if I didn’t have any self-control. Because that one question, _that one fucking question_ , was enough to make everything crumble down and fall around me. Everything I’d felt in the past couple of months; all the tears, all the breakdowns, all the screaming… They came back to me.

It’s just that, when someone asks you a question like that, it tears you down for everything you are. I didn’t think anyone cared about me.

If I didn’t have my pride, I would’ve started crying right then and there. However, there was an unsaid war between Kaya and I at that time, so. I couldn’t feign weakness to her by crying like a little baby that I knew she’d call me if I did.

“Why did they leave? That’s so out of the blue, I don’t understand.” Kaya started when I didn’t answer.

I shrugged my shoulder. “They had business to take care of, they said. I don’t know. I don’t think they’re coming back.”

“Ever?” Kaya’s eyebrows flew up.

“Ever.” I affirmed.

Kaya took a minute to take it all in. She mouthed _wow_ to herself, arms crossed over her chest as she looked at nothing in the air. She seemed like she had more questions, but decided against them after seeing my grumpy expression.

For a long minute, I just stood there, my eyes drooping at her until she finally came back to reality and picked up the pot again.

She extended it toward me. “Well, you should try this stew. It’s probably too much since you’re the only one here, but you eat so much it probably won’t be trouble for you.” She laughed. “And you should really get yourself together, this house looks like it’s about to fall down with you right on top of it. Take a shower too, _please_.” She pinched her nose jokingly.

I didn’t think it was funny. She realized this, and her amusement died to seriousness.

“I’m just kidding, Horan.” She said. “I’m sorry about your parents, I’m sure they’re just busy. But hey,” She leaned forward a little. “You’ll be okay. Everything always turns out to be. They may not be right now, but things will get better.”

“No they won’t.” I coldly spat. “Everyone hates me and I hate myself.”

Kaya shook her head. “Well, how do you expect other people to love you if you _yourself_ don’t?”

I just stared at her.

It wasn’t until she shoved the pot in my chest when I finally joined the world again.

“This thing’s really heavy, so take it.” She let go of it and I caught it in my hands. “See you later, cheesehead! Goodnight.”

I watched her as she leaped down my porch steps, her long hair swinging at her back and her small figure fading in the dark night. I still watched her when she crossed the yard and went back to her own house, her door closing slowly behind her as she yelled, _mom!_

For a minute, I stood there with the pot in my hands, stiff in place just as Kaya had left me. The wind whistled and a car drove by.

I was thinking about what she’d said, trying my best to make sense of the little amount my brain could comprehend.

It suddenly came to me, right then, that she was right. I hated admitting that, since fifteen year old Kaya was probably the dumbest girl I’d ever known, but. With her statement in mind, I smelled myself and turned around to really see things for the way they were. For the way I’d let them become.

As I put everything together, from my dirty disposition to the wreck that was my house, it hit me.

I wasn’t helping anything with the way I was living. I didn’t deserve to let myself fall in this shit I was sinking into.

That’s when I decided that I had to fix myself again, that I had to take matters into my own hands. Because, as sad as it was, no one else would if I didn’t. And I deserved more than that. I loved who I was too much to let it all corrupt me to the end.

By some means, Kaya was wrong. I _did_ love myself. I just wasn’t treating myself like I did.

Still, if she hadn’t made me hit that epiphany that night, I would’ve surely hit rock bottom and done something stupid. I was beginning to hit such a low point in my depression that I probably would’ve killed myself. Just that mere thought sends shivers to my skin, for I can’t imagine ending my life on my own intentional decision.

So, Kaya played a part in rebuilding me and I’m thankful for that.

To be frank, it wasn’t only that one night that she did. She helped me even when she wasn’t meaning to. Though, the only times she was nice to me was when she forgot to be mean _and_ when she didn’t know I was watching her.

Those times were mostly on the school bus when I’d purposefully sit on the row across from hers—where it gave me a perfect view of her profile as we rode to and from school every day.

She would always smile at her phone screen and bob her head to the music she was listening to through her earbuds. It was so sweet and childlike, how she cutely danced on her own free will as if no one else was on that bus to laugh at her if she did something weird.

Maybe she didn’t care, but I knew her too well back then that that wasn’t it. She was insecure, so she had probably forgotten to worry about all the other people. Sometimes she gets lost in her own little world, and she thinks she’s the only one who knows it, but I’ve seen it enough to know when she did.

Her eyes would stare off at nothing in the air and she’d pull on a little closed smile as she wandered somewhere far away. She looked like a dream when she did that; a sort of entrancing vision that I wish I could have playing on a constant loop so my eyes would never have to miss watching it ever again.

I always wanted to know what she was thinking when she daydreamed like that. I often cursed the Gods for not granting me the power to read minds, because I really, really wanted to know. Or maybe I wanted to live inside her head. That would’ve been just as fine.

Okay, by this time, I would’ve been stupid not to realize that I was in love with her. Like, come on, _really?_ I lost a lot of my rationality when I watched her and I think that was enough to know that I was.

In a way, I got lost in that lovesick state of mind and it somehow pushed me to get myself back together again. It took a long time to do that—I’m sure—but thinking about it now, I can’t remember if I even realized I was fixing myself because I had been too blind in the love I had for her.

I know, cheesy and gross, but. There’s a point I’m trying to make here.

Kaya… she’s special. I thought I knew what happiness was, but I don’t think I really knew it until I fell for her. I don’t know how that’s possible, since fifteen year old me (before my parents left) thought I couldn’t be any happier than I already was.

When I finally pursued her three and a half years later, I was on top of the world.

Every moment I spent with her was special to me. I loved all our moments, no matter how boring or meaningless some of it were. Even the times when she wasn’t even conscious. Like, what’s that album name? By the 1975?

_I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it_.

Yeah. That’s it.

Maybe Kaya created a new kind of joy for me. She’s so astounding that she managed to give me a different version of happiness; a version of the emotion so high that I don’t think even Heaven gets to feel it. And that’s really saying something, considering the fact that Heaven is supposed to be the most wonderful place imaginable.

Well, I disagree. My Heaven is on earth and it’s wherever Kaya is.

This is why I’m finding it so difficult to accept my parents’ proposal of joining them in Australia. My happiness isn’t over there, it’s _here_ where I am right now. So why would I leave it? It seems kind of stupid to me. It doesn’t take a lot of smarts to know that you don’t leave the _one thing_ that’s kept you alive all these years.

And _for_ _what?_ To reunite with my parents? To go back to that stage in my life that made me lose my self-worth and almost got me to even consider _killing_ myself? I don’t understand it and I can’t even try to. It’s wrong and that’s that. There’s no rebuttals or buts or what-ifs.

Choosing that path would be equivalent to me turning around in a race, running backwards to the starting point instead of rightfully sprinting forward to the finish line.

But then again, Kaya’s at the finish line yelling at me to turn around. Or, it seems like that to me. She wants me to go and I understand her reasons, but. She knows I love her. She knows how happy she makes me. So why is she so set on me going? I don’t understand it. I thought she loved me too.

I don’t even know if I’m ready to see my parents like that again. Nowadays, anything they do that shows even just a tiny hint of their affection makes me happy, but. It’s still not the same. They weren’t there in the crucial part of my life when I was learning my way into adulthood. I needed them for that the most, but they weren’t there.

So, yeah. I kind of have a little grudge towards that, but can anyone really blame me?

…

“I don’t want to go.” I say to the phone, my voice secretive in case Kaya’s nearby. But she’s not, she’s at her house.

My dad sighs on the other line. “Why not?”

“I just… I don’t wanna. I like my life here now. I don’t want to leave it.”

“But, Niall,” My dad’s tone changes and I shut my eyes, prepared for what’s coming. “Your mom needs you. _I_ need you. I know we’ve been terrible parents, but we want to make it up to you. It’s about time we became a family again. You know? All together.”

I keep my eyes closed.

“Why now?” I let out. “Why didn’t you take me with you when you left? Did you guys ever think that _maybe_ your son wanted to go, too? So why do you want me to come _now?_ ”

The other line is silent for a long minute. I know this is probably a sensitive topic for him, since this is the first time we’ve talked about it after all these years. When they had contacted me back then, after they left, they ignored what happened and just talked like everything was normal.

“The past is a different story, Niall.” My dad finally speaks. “We just… we want you now. That’s all. Don’t you want to be with us again?”

Not really. You’re basically strangers to me now.

I don’t say that out loud though.

“Is it because of your girlfriend?” My dad asks when I don’t reply. It catches me off guard. “Kaya’s a wonderful girl, I’m sure. And I know leaving her would be hard, but it doesn’t mean you won’t see her again.”

It’s more than just that.

“Just think about it some more, alright? We’re really expecting you.” He says, and when he figures I have nothing more to say, we hang up and I rub my temples to sit there and ponder.

…

I know it’s killing her, and she can try her best to act like it’s not, but I can read her better than anybody else.

At the same time, it’s killing me too. Because I know how bad it’s driving her and I don’t like how she forces herself to act like nothing’s bothering her at all. Why did my parents have to ruin this too?

When I hold Kaya’s hand, her fingers stiffen in mine and it doesn’t feel warm and comfortable. It’s almost as if she wants to take her hand back and keep it to herself. That’s kind of how her love feels right now too. Cold and dead.

She’s doing this because she’s afraid that I’m going to leave her. And that’s what I don’t understand. Her mouth tells me to go but her actions are screaming the opposite. I don’t know which one I should listen to.

Girls and their mixed signals are definitely aggravating.

So, two days after Kaya and I had our outburst about me leaving, I confront her about it again. I have to, because it’s ruining the both of us and I’m going to end up ten feet under my anxiety if I don’t.

“Be honest with me.” I say one late night with Kaya right beside me under the covers. “Do you really want me to go?”

Kaya blinks and if I hadn’t been paying close attention, I wouldn’t have noticed her hesitation.

“Yes.”

The usual clear browns of her eyes are clouded and I can tell that she’s lying. And that’s what punches me the hardest. This girl—this girl that I’ve promised my whole life to and given my all—has managed to look me straight in the eyes and lie to me.

That settles it.

My chest does that contracting thing again and it feels as if my heart’s chosen to stop squeezing blood into my body. Like the veins that bring oxygen to my heart have clotted and I can’t breathe. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such pain before. Not even when I was hurting when my parents left me years ago.

Kaya’s introduced a new feeling to me again and it’s not a good one this time.

“Fine.” I say, although it stabs me back in the mouth. “I’ll go.”

My girlfriend bites down on her bottom lip, and I watch as a strand of hair falls on her face as she nods and closes her eyes.

I breathe in through my nose and let it out from my mouth, because it seems to be the only way to keep my breathing steady at the moment. My whole body’s given up on me and I’m sinking.

So this is what pain feels like. Thanks to Kaya, I now know pain and happiness to their fullest capacities.

…

Once I tell my parents my decision, they burst out into a parade of excitement and I almost join them, but I can’t. Kaya’s in the back of my head and I’m worried. I still don’t want to leave her. She’s the only thing giving me second thoughts and I don’t know if I can really go through with it.

I don’t have a choice after that though, I’ve already told my parents and they went and bought my plane ticket without asking me first. They didn’t even ask me if I was ready or _when_ I was going to be.

There’s so many things here that I’ll be leaving behind. The house, my car, Kaya… Not to mention Louis, despite how bad of a friend he is.

What am I even going to do about the house and my car? I don’t want to let those go. There’s absolutely no way I’ll ever give up those two. They hold so many memories and they make me who I am. Besides, what if I decide to come back…

“I’m not selling the house or my car.” I tell Kaya. “I’m leaving everything here as they are. And I’ll give you the keys.”

“What?” Kaya seems bewildered.

“You heard me.” I say. “I’m not packing up the furniture or anything else besides my clothes and shit. I’m gonna leave everything to you. You’ll take care of all this for me, won’t you?”

Kaya looks like she’s ready to argue, but her shoulders loosen and she fakes a closed smile. “Of course.”

It’s unsaid, and it’s okay that way, because no one needs to say it out loud. Her allowing me to keep everything here is her message that I have the chance to come back. The house and car will still be here and so will my life. My life with Kaya.

It eases every negative feeling floating in my body and I feel a little better. I can come back if Australia doesn’t work out. If my parents don’t work out. Or if I absolutely can’t live without the one thing that keeps me breathing.

…

It’s nothing to celebrate about, but Louis insists that I hold a goodbye party at my house the night before the morning of my flight. Of course, seeing that I don’t have that many friends, it turns out to be just a small get together of Kaya’s circle of friends and Louis’.

Louis knows a lot of people since everyone seems to worship him, but Kaya scolds him to make sure that none of his druggie friends end up coming. After that one acid incident, Kaya’s been pretty careful around anything related to Louis.

I don’t mind it. Well, actually, I love it. I love knowing she cares so much about my well-being.

“How are you two getting on?” Louis asks me, one hand bringing his beer to his lips and the other on my countertop.

For a moment, I don’t know who he’s talking about. It comes to me, but my wavering silence makes him speak again.

“You and Kaya.”

I inwardly sigh and rest my waist on the counter behind me. “Good. We’re alright.” I say, not sounding the least bit believable. I don’t know if _I_ even believe myself.

“We spent the last two weeks together like they were our last days on earth, so.” I chuckle. “We’ll be okay.”

That’s really more of me trying to convince myself, but. It works.

Louis folds his lips together and nods. “That’s good, then.” He sidles to me and pats my shoulder. “I don’t want to get all sentimental, but I’ll miss you, Ni. I wish you weren’t leaving.”

“I wish I wasn’t either.”

At that, Louis pulls me into him and we hug for the best of it. He squeezes my back, and if he hadn’t let go of me in the next second after that, I would’ve dropped everything and cancelled leaving. ‘Cause how can I leave this guy? He’s like an older brother to me. I don’t know a Greg Horan.

Louis leaves to join the others in the center of the house, but I stay where I am because I don’t want to see any of them anymore. They’re not really my friends anyway. They’re Kaya’s and Louis’. They’re only here to bid me a farewell to be nice.

Honestly, I want to disappear. I haven’t felt alright for the past two weeks.

I grab the counter behind me and clench it tight, thinking that it’ll squeeze the tears wanting to escape from my eyes. But they don’t. They don’t come. I really need to cry but my own body won’t even give me that release. I’m hurting and I can’t even cry.

“Niall,” A voice pulls me up.

I sniffle quickly and rub my eyes, finding Kaya at the entrance of the kitchen. She’s wearing the tight white dress I’d bought her and it reminds me of our erotic night in LA.

Maybe that’s what I need right now. To be inside her to feel her heat. I need her moaning my name to remind me how much she loves me.

“Hey, can we go to my room?” I ask her.

“Why?” Kaya replies as she walks closer. “Everyone’s waiting for you. Liam said he’s got—“

“Not now.” I stop her. “Tonight’s our last night together.” I say, sliding my hands down her sides to stop them at her hips. “And I want to make love with you for all of it.”

Kaya takes a moment to look at me. Eventually, she blushes and nods her head. “Okay. Should we tell everyone to go home first?”

“Nah, they’ll figure it out themselves. They’ll leave on their own.”

Kaya snickers at that, but I just shrug and grab her hand.

“Why the rush?” She asks as I drag her with me through the house, leading my feet down my hallway.

“There’s no rush.” I answer instantly.

There _is_ a rush. I don’t know how much longer I can take without the feeling of her warmth around me. I need it; I want it; I crave it. She doesn’t know it, but I crave her all the time. She’s a guilty pleasure that I don’t really feel guilty about.

Once we’re in my room, I close the door behind me and lock the handle. The light is off but I’d rather keep it that way. There’s a faint light drawing in from my window to the bed, anyway. It’s either the moon or the street posts outside, but it’s good enough for me. 

“Come,” I say to Kaya, although I’m still holding her hand and taking her with me to the bed.

We both sit on top of my duvet, and I cross my legs as Kaya parallels me the same. It’s quiet in here and it’s perfect. My room is so far from the other people in the house that we don’t hear them. The only sounds in the air are Kaya and I’s uneven breathing.

Kaya’s probably confused right now, since I’m just staring at her without saying anything. However, with how she is, she knows to trust me and comply with whatever it is I’m planning. I love her for that. As for now, the moonlight is illuminating a spot on her face and I just want to admire it.

Eventually, I grab the strands of her hair that fall around her face and let them flow between my fingers. Her hair is soft and silky, and I want to play with it forever, but now the moon’s casted to her lips and my eyes wander there instead. My fingers follow after them, my thumb slowly tracing a line from her top lip to her bottom.

Her lips are soft and plump and so, so nice. I’ve kissed them enough to know that they deserve to have a whole book of poetry written about them.

On instinct, Kaya parts her lips and her warm breath aerates to my thumb. I can tell that she wants me to go on already and lean in, so I grant her wish and do just that.

There’s a puckering sound as I quickly disconnect our kiss and Kaya lurches her head as if she hadn’t expected me to do that. I don’t leave her hanging for too long though, for I go back in and catch her mouth again.

I do it like that a few times, just so I can feel the entirety of her mouth for a few seconds until I depart again.

We’ve got the whole night, so I’m taking it slow. This is the last time that I’ll probably ever get to touch her for a while and I want to savor every inch of her person. Maybe this way, I can study her whole body with my lips and it’ll save me from missing her taste as much later on.

The short kisses can only last for so long, though. Kaya can’t hold back just as much as my control allows me. Soon, I keep our lips together longer and we’re making out in no time. I’m gradually hardening and that limits my resistance as well.

My hands grab the sides of her face, my fingers clambering in the tangles of her hair and ears. I pull her into me better, my mouth exploring hers and enjoying every new land it discovers. Our tongues move together so easily, sliding in a smooth flow as if we know which direction the other person is going to take next.

I guess we know each other so much that we’ve even figured out each other’s mouths. That’s either a new kind of love, or maybe we’ve just sucked face too much. Oh well.

Kaya lets herself fall back and I hold myself up over her by my hands. As I crawl around to properly position my body over hers, she grabs the sides of my shirt and begins to pull it off of me. She throws it away once she’s succeeded, and I smile down at her as she proceeds to take her dress off as well.

I’m not about to let her do all the work, so I help her with that damn dress with careful hands. I’d roughly tear it apart so that she didn’t have to struggle so much, but I know she’ll probably get angry at me for shredding it into pieces. It was expensive, yeah, but I can always go back and get her another one.

Still, despite that, I let her take her time to squeeze herself out of it and discard it away on the floor. Now she lays under me, bare and nude except for the matching set of laced undergarments that cover her breasts and bottom. I want to rip them off of her so bad.

“I know, bad boy. I got it.” Kaya sneers, reaching behind her to unclasp her bra.

I just stay above her, watching as she takes it off. Once her chest is exposed, I grow harder in my pants and it screams for me to free it. So I do. I unbutton my jeans while Kaya dances her way out of her panties, and like that, she becomes a step ahead of me. She’s completely naked and I’m still wriggling free from my briefs.

Fuck. We’ve had sex so many times but I still get as excited as our first time. I’m so fucking in love with this girl and my dick knows it.

“Jesus, when did you become this hard?” Kaya asks, her cheeks inflamed as she grabs my length.

I snicker. “Baby, that happens whenever I’m with you. It’s your fault and now it’s your problem.”

“You think you’re the only one?” Kaya spits right back. She grabs my wrist and forces my hand to her heat. And fuck. It’s wet as hell and my fingers are soaked.

“That’s your problem, too.” She says.

My heart swells and I can’t suppress the little bit of laughter that escapes my mouth. Kaya giggles too, but her breath suddenly hitches when I start to finger her. I let my arm lay across her stomach as I smirk right down at her, her eyes now closed with the pad of my middle finger that’s viciously rubbing her clit.

I’ve got her totally under my mercy now. She moans, but she doesn’t say my name. That’s all I want so bad and I’m not stopping until my name is the only thing that comes out of her mouth. I want _Niall_ to be the only word in her vocabulary.

Abruptly, I drop my head to melt into her mouth again. She automatically slides her tongue inside mine and I swirl my tongue all around hers, letting my saliva paint the walls of her mouth and the edges of her lips. At the same time, she’s pumping me while I’m stroking her, and that creates continuous whimpers from the both of us.

A guttural, throaty moan vibrates from my mouth and into hers, and that finally makes her pull back and gasp in a small and weak voice, “ _Niall_ ,”

I climax then. She continues to pump me as I release, her tiny fingers making the biggest impact on my bare skin. I come all over her stomach and the orgasm makes me moan words that I’m not even sure are coherent.

“Fuck, baby,” I gasp, riding out the rest of my high. Kaya’s still going at it and it feels so good.

Her hand slows down until she stops, and I’m officially cleared out of that celestial feeling and chuckling in my stupid deficiency. Kaya’s eyebrows wrinkle together in her puzzled state.

“I came first, and it hasn’t even been, what, ten minutes?” I tell her, feeling like a wuss. What the fuck is wrong with me?

“So? I’m flattered. I made you come so quickly. I’m the master now.” She proudly remarks, and I shake my head and grumble an _uh-uh_. Definitely not.

“No way, princess.” I quickly grab her wrists and plant them at the sides of her head. She playfully tries to wriggle out but I’ve got a tight hold on her. “You just wait until I fuck the shit out of you. Then you’ll really know who the master is.”

Kaya slowly bites down on her bottom lip. “Dominating,” She mutters. “That’s hot.”

I wink down at her. Then, I let go of her hands and grab her face instead.

“But, before that,” I say as I lead my lips to her neck. “I wanna kiss you first.” I peck at her neck softly.

“Kiss you here,” I go down to the middle of her breasts. “And here,” I descend to her tummy. “And especially here.” Kaya giggles when I pepper kisses on her stomach.

I eye her from where I’m at, now at her center, and she smiles fondly at me. I kiss the top of her heat, of course.

“Here, too.” I say. I proceed a line of kisses down her left leg and leave a long one on the front of her foot. Her right leg gets that same treatment too.

Finally, I crawl back up to her face and start my studying there. The best for last.

“I love you,” I whisper as I kiss her forehead. “I love you,” I say again when I peck the tip of her nose. “I love you,” A kiss on her left cheek. “I love you,” A kiss on her other.

“I love you so,” I say with lips to her chin. “I love you so much.”

“Niall,” Kaya says again.

I shake my head and place my index finger on her lips to shush her. She closes her mouth and gazes right at me, her eyes staring with an intensity so high I think I can read how much she loves me through her irises.

As I drop down to her, I put my lips over my finger that’s on her and let my finger slide out, taking out the last barrier between our mouths. I kiss her fully and passionately, our lips molding to the shapes of each other’s mouths.

She mumbles my name again and I smile into the kiss.

Hell yeah fucking right.

I pull back just enough, but not entirely. I keep our faces close to touch, my nose burrowed with hers and my lips a few millimeters away.

“I think you’re the love of my life,” I confess.

Kaya doesn’t blink, but I can feel her suck in a breath from the air lingering in the small space between us.

“Should we just get married?” I ask, too drunk in the moment. “So when I go, I know that you’ll still be mine. Mine and no one else’s, ever.”

“Oh, Niall,” Kaya giggles, finally fluttering her eyelashes. She lowers her eyes to my chest. “You know that’s not—“

“Shhh,” I close the space between us and connect our lips again.

I don’t want to hear what she has to say, so I kiss her to ensure us the silence and save my heart from the aching pain. It’s not time for that right now. I’m memorizing her into me and I can’t let my stupid fucking feelings get the best of me while I’m at it. I have to do this correctly.

Therefore, I find her heat again and finger around for her hole. I want to know if she’s wet enough. I don’t know why I had to confirm it, because right when I touch her, she’s still as slippery as ever.

“No preparing then,” I state. I grab myself, about to guide myself into her opening until she halts me.

Kaya sparkles those brown eyes at me when I look at her. “Condom?”

It takes me a moment, but I shake my head. “Fuck a condom.”

“What?”

“We did it without one in LA, in the shower, remember? I pulled out in time. Don’t worry, baby.” I reassure her, but before I carry on, I say, “Let me?”

She nods.

“That’s my princess.” I lean down to kiss the corner of her lips, keeping myself there because I know she’s going to need it again in the next minute.

Kaya snakes her hands up my neck, her fingers raking through my hair until she keeps her hold in place. I feel around, finally locating her hole and pushing myself in. The hotness of her insides surrounds me instantly, her wetness allowing me an easy slide. I can feel her muscles clench around me as she lets out a harsh moan.

Before I make the first official thrust, I kiss her again and ask, “You good?”

“Yeah,” She answers in a low whisper. “I can really feel you since there’s no rubber between us and it’s… it’s great. _You’re_ great.”

That makes me smile, and I lean down to meet her lips again in a lingering kiss. At the same time, I buck in a slow thrust and take my time to move back. When I do, I lift my bottom all the way so that I can really propel myself into her completely. I don’t want to miss a single space inside of her, I want to fill however much I can. Study every crevice of this part of her.

I know she feels every inch of me too, because she moans my name in various tones that start out quiet but eventually belt to loud cries.

I’ve never fucked her this hard and fast before, so I’m really hearing its toll from the weak sounds she’s producing. The others in the house can probably hear her now, since she’s so loud, but I don’t care. At least they can hear whose name is making her feel so good.

“Niall,” She gasps, her fingers clutching the hair at the back of my head.

“I’ve got you, baby.” I say in between my rough thrusts. “I’m gonna take care of you.”

Both of our eyes are closed and I have to part my lips to catch my breath. I’m most likely breathing like a helpless idiot with asthma who can’t find their inhaler, but. These breaths are full of pleasure and wanting; wanting more and more of the rapt feeling she gives me with every thrust that I propel.

Sweat drips from my forehead, the hairs there clumping together from the moist rush I’m melting into. Our skin smacks together and makes a sound every time I push into her, but it’s almost drowned out from her high whimpering and my sharp breathing.

It’s so good, that moment. I’m losing myself into her and I don’t think I’ve felt anything better in my entire life. She’s still moaning my name, still announcing who she loves and it reassures everything in my chest that craves for it. It’s so good and I can’t even begin to try putting into words how _good_ it really feels.

I just know that I want to keep fucking her like this forever. Forever forever forever… If only we had forever. At this point, I’m even willing to kill somebody just to keep doing this _forever_. Just to stay inside her and beside her and glued to her. I want this high until the end of time… I want I want I want… Forever…

…

Kaya loses herself to me about a dozen times that night. Or more, I can’t remember the amount now since I just keep on taking her to it. I do know that no one else is going to make her come like that ever again, never going to treat her so well and so loved at the same time.

I’ve orgasmed just as many times (not inside her, of course), and as I reach another delicious high, I confess again, “I’m so in love with you it’s insane,” but that’s probably about the hundredth time I’ve said that same thing that night.

At the final hour, I’m still inside her but my thrusts have become slow and easy, the opposite of what we were in the beginning. I take my time to suck on her neck, biting gently to mark her with hickies so that everybody else can see who owns her when I’m gone.

My hands are all over her, holding on to her skin as if they’ll melt off if she doesn’t keep them solid and intact.

She whispers to me, “I love you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, princess.” I repeat back to her. “Always and forever.”

The night never ends, because we don’t let it. We fuck all night long, all the way through, and albeit the fact that my flight is in the early morning, I don’t give a single fuck.

Though, in the midst of it all, I drown in the sensation of those euphoric hours and I fall asleep. I can’t remember when we stopped or who the last one to come was. I can’t—for the life of me—even remember if I had pulled out of her before we drifted to our slumber.

…

When the sun greets our naked bodies the next morning, I wake my eyes first and instantly feel a sad wave wash over me. For a moment, I think that last night was all just a dream and it burns a volcano in my chest.

However, when I turn my head, I realize that Kaya is sleeping comfortably on my chest and it comes back to me. There are small, dark and purple-ish bruises on her neck, providing me enough confirmation that last night was not, as a matter-of-fact, just a dream. It was real life, and it only feels like a dream because of how impossibly amazing it was.

I sigh when I check the time on my phone. I have to get up. My flight leaves in two hours.

Looking back at Kaya like this, I don’t know if I can do it anymore. Last night was probably the best sex we’ve ever had and I don’t know if I have the willpower to leave after something like that.

Now that I think about it, that was goodbye sex, wasn’t it? Fuck.

“Mmm…” Kaya hums, coming to her wake. I watch as her eyes flutter open, the sun wavering over them and casting shadows on her cute face.

“Good morning, angel.” I say, brushing my hand through her unkempt hair.

Kaya cranes her neck to look up at me, her brown eyes shining brighter under the sunlight.

“Hey.” She mutters, squeezes her eyes and opens them again. “Is it almost time for your flight?” Her voice cracks and I know she’s having trouble just thinking about it.

It breaks my heart, but I nod and say, “Yup. Time to go.”

“Hmm.” Kaya emits, her hand rubbing my chest now. “Alright.”

I chomp down on my bottom lip so harshly I think it’ll draw blood. I want to punch myself and scream at the top of my lungs. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know how I let her do this to me. I don’t know how she got me to agree to go. I’m such a fool.

But that’s exactly what it is, isn’t it? I love her so much that I surrender to what she wants. I’ve always been doing that and it seems to keep her happy, so. If she wants me to go, then I will.

At least I know that I’m the reason for her happiness.

…

Louis and Liam and Cady are there.

And so is Kaya, but I wish she wasn’t. I wish that she wasn’t here so that she would’ve been able to pull that traditional cliché act in those movies, where she would be rushing all around the airport looking for me. She’d be racing around, her heart pounding against her chest because she’d think she was too late.

Except in the movies, the couples always find a way to each other, don’t they? Kaya would’ve found me after checking every terminal. She’d scream my name and grab me, hug me tight and tell me not to go. I would’ve never gotten on the plane. I would’ve changed my mind.

But no. She’s here and, along with everyone else, she’s waiting for my plane to announce that it’s time to board.

When they do, we all get up from our seats and Kaya and I glance at each other like the flight attendant’s just announced our death sentence. There’s been an underlying pain in both of us on the whole way here but we’ve chosen to ignore it. It’s easier this way.

I hug Louis first, and he tells me to keep in touch and I promise him that much. I pay respectable goodbyes to Liam and Cady, and then the intercom is repeating that my economic class is boarding and I feel my heart sink again.

My eyes wander to Kaya and she’s standing, waiting. Her eyes are glossy and I can tell she’s using every last bit of her willpower to keep herself from letting that one drop escape. Because if she lets it, there’s no telling if she’s going to be able to stop the ocean after it. Or maybe that’s just me talking for myself.

Automatically, I dash to her and wrap my arms around her neck. She presses the side of her face to my chest and I hug her even tighter. I can feel her arms enclosing at my back and her body crushing completely into mine. Her warmth spreads all over me and it feels like home.

The intercom announces the last chance for my class to get on the plane. But I don’t want to let go and neither does Kaya. We’re holding on to each other to the very last second and I’m waiting.

I’m waiting, because maybe if we hug long enough, we may melt into each other and become one person. That way, we’d never have to separate ever again.

However, a voice mutters between us. It’s Cady.

“Hey, um… I’m sorry, but… Niall, you gotta go. The doors are gonna close soon.”

I suck in a last whiff of Kaya’s smell, my hands wandering to her back to clench her clothes tightly in my fists. After that, finally, I loosen the hold. I part just enough from her to meet her lips with mine and kiss her with everything I’ve got.

“I love you.” I say when we pull back.

“I love you, too.” She sniffles. “I’ll see you soon, yeah? Text me when you get to Australia and maybe we can talk on the phone.”

I nod, curling my lips to lick them. I’m already missing her taste.

I let another beat pass between us, until I force myself to let go and drop my hands. I grab my suitcase and will myself away from her. It’s hard, and my steps feel heavy, but I do it.

Before the attendant checks my passport and ticket, I wave at the group and especially at Kaya. The attendant tells me I’m good a minute after that, and I have to continue on through the doors that lead to the plane.

As I walk that way, I catch a last glimpse of Kaya’s face before the tunneled hall that leaves her behind.

I get the urge to turn around and rip my ticket in two, to yell out, _NEVER MIND! I’M NOT FUCKING GOING ANYWHERE!_ And then we’d all drive back home and Kaya will lay beside me again. I wouldn’t have to sacrifice her smiling face and everything would go back to the way it should be.

But I’m a fool who’s so sickeningly in love with Kaya Owen and I keep on walking forward.

 


	16. Chapter 16

_Hey there Niall-li-lah, what's it like in Australia? I'm a thousand miles away but boy, tonight you look so pretty, yes you do... California can't shine as bright as you. I swear, it's true..._

It's crazy how the other half of me was here just seventeen hours ago. Now he's on the other side of my phone screen, somewhere in a country oceans and oceans away.

He looks tired. There are weary dark bags under his eyes that drag his whole face down. Even his hair is disheveled. To me, he couldn't look any more beautiful.

"Jet lag is gonna kill me, I already know it." Niall chuckles, his voice groggy. "It's past midnight here and I've just arrived." He flips his camera to the back side, showing me his surroundings. He's walking around an airport.

"How was the flight?" I shift in bed to lay on my stomach.

"It was alright. I couldn't get any sleep though, talk about crazy turbulence."

The camera finally flips back to him, and I get a low angle from under his chin. I'm looking up his nostrils and I silently laugh to myself.

"Whoa, hey, isn't it like 8 in the morning there?" Niall says while he keeps walking. "How are you awake, princess? You would be sleeping right now."

I stayed up all night because I couldn't stop thinking about him, but he doesn't need to know that. So instead, I fake a giggle and smile at him.

"I... I just woke up early to see you. I didn't want to miss your arrival."

Niall laughs and it sounds just as sweet on the phone. "Aww." He stops his stride and puts the camera to a perfect angle to his face. "Listen, I gotta go through customs and security shit. So I'll let you go for now, babe."

I sigh. "Alright. Good luck."

"I'll call you when I get settled in my parents' place, okay?"

"Okay."

"Sweet kisses, princess. Love you."

I pucker my lips to the camera after him. "Love you, too."

Niall smiles at the camera one more time before he disconnects the video call. Shortly after, I'm faced with a black screen and a startling silence. It strikes me again, that sudden emptiness I'd felt when I watched him walk away. When I realized that I just screwed everything up. I regret telling him to go.

I regretted it the minute he basically proposed to me last night. I regretted all the things I said, how I said that I wanted to lessen my love for him. Because him proposing to me means that he's never planning to leave me. How could I be so stupid? Why did I think that he'd ever choose to leave me?

 _Ugh._  I turn to lay on my back and stare at the ceiling again. Birds are chirping outside, singing their early morning tunes and it's pissing me off. They can't be happy right now.

With another long sigh, I shift in bed to lay on my side. I plant my hand on the spot beside me, already missing the other person that belonged there. My eyes shut close and I imagine that he's there, sleeping cozily with me just like how he used to.

...

When I wake up, I check my phone and see that there's five miscalls and a text from Niall. I'd fallen asleep for four hours and now it's noon. Judging by Niall's text, he'd figured that out himself. His message says to call him as soon as I wake up. So of course, I do just that.

It's 4 AM in Australia but Niall's body is still set on California time so he answers. He looks more tired than the last time we FaceTimed; however, I can understand since he probably hasn't slept for the past twenty-one hours. Poor guy.

He hadn't gotten the chance to sleep, he says. He'd gotten picked up by his parents and they'd talked his ears off. When they got to the house, Niall says, they talked even more and gave him a tour of the two-story home. I'd called him right when he'd finally settled in his room and sat down to himself for the first time.

His room is bare, but that's understandable since he hasn't put anything in it yet. He shows me his king-sized bed and the huge flat screen TV his parents had set up for him, and then he tells me about his parents and how weird it is for him.

After that, I tell him to go to sleep. He clearly needs it, and I don't want to keep him up any longer. He probably has a long day ahead of him, what with all of his new surroundings and his parents who are most likely expecting to reconcile with him.

They'll probably show him around the city, Niall says, and because of that, I shouldn't expect a call from him for a day's time. That's fine though. In my time, it'll be night here and I'll be with Cady or something. We'd planned to hang out later.

Niall and I exchange our traditional  _I love yous_  and  _I love you toos_ , and with that, we hang up. He's going to sleep, and I'm just about starting my day as I get up from the bed and stretch my arms to the ceiling.

...

Cady and I go shopping but all I can think about is Niall. I keep checking the clock app on my iPhone to see what time it is in Australia, and Cady scolds me for it when she notices. I can't help it though, I miss him and I can't help but wonder what he's doing.

"It hasn't even been a whole day, how are you going to last?" Cady asks me from inside Forever 21's dressing room.

I stare at the mirror in the main hall, leaning on the door Cady's currently in. There's something off about my appearance. It's like my face reads that I'm missing someone. People can probably see Niall's face floating around my head.

"That's what I'd like to know." I reply back, and then I suddenly curse because of something I'd just noticed in the mirror.

"What?" Cady asks.

I rub my neck and hiss at the touch. I tried to cover the marks with the collar of my flannel but that didn't really work out. Anyone could see these hickies on me. Niall really knew what he was doing. That bastard.

"Cady, did you guys hear anything... odd last night?" I ask, my cheeks starting to redden. "At Niall's house?"

Cady laughs and I squeeze my eyes together.

"Of course we did, how could we not? You guys sounded like two hyenas in a cage fight." Cady says casually. "Like, come on, Kaya. Could you not have been any louder?"

I want to dig up the ground under me and bury myself into it right now. How embarrassing. But at the same time, it ignites something inside me. There's something fun and rebellious about it.

"And, you know, Louis was about to stand outside of you guys' door and cheer Niall on like he was some kind of ring announcer. He was literally like,  _let's get ready to rumble_! But Liam stopped him, so."

Both Cady and I burst out into laughter at that, and I laugh harder because I couldn't have expected any less from Louis Tomlinson the idiot himself.

...

It's 6 PM in Australia and 1 AM my time. I'd been waiting all night for Niall to message me but I've gotten nothing. I shouldn't have waited though, he  _did_  tell me not to expect him. He's probably out and about right now.

So I decide to go to sleep. I told myself to stay strong about this, since I really needed to get it together if I want to be able to last. It hasn't even been a week so I can't be this pathetic already.

When I wake up, there's a text from Niall. It's almost noon now and he had texted me at 6 AM. I can't fathom what time that was for him.

Anyhow, his message reads:

From: Cheesehead

hi princess, i just got back. are you awake yet? prob not. i miss you a lot tho. call me when you wake up so i can see your pretty face :)

My morning is made with that text. Nothing else can ruin my day.

He said to call him though. I battle with the thought in my head since it's 4 AM his time right now and he probably won't even answer. He's probably sleeping. But then I remember that it's only the second day and he's probably still cursed with jet lag. So I call him.

I stare at myself through my phone until my reflection disappears and my blue-eyed boy is gazing back at me. Sort of. His eyes are drooping low and it's almost dark wherever he's at. He's lying in bed, shirtless.

"Hey—" Niall says, but he cuts himself off with a big yawn. "Wow, I'm sleepy."

"Did I wake you up? I'm sorry, I thought—"

"No, baby," Niall shakes his head and the corners of his lips tug upwards. "I'm up, unfortunately. I tried to sleep but it hasn't worked out."

"Aww..." I coo, and he smacks his lips together and closes his eyes.

He flutters them open again. "We went to Sydney Harbor today and rode a dinner cruise. It was so nice, you know? Australia truly is beautiful." He pauses and sighs. "But I kept looking for you in everyone. I wish you were there with me."

I purse my mouth in a frown. Now I'm faltering. "Did you have fun? How are your parents?"

"Yeah, I did. And they're really trying their best, too. They keep buying me things and giving me the top class of everything. Other than that, they're still the same old folks I know." He smiles and it makes me happy for him. "Enough about me, though. How are things over there?"

I lift the phone above me, my arms holding it straight out. "Well, nothing's changed, really. I went shopping with Cady yesterday but that's about it."

"Mmm." Niall hums, his eyes are closed now.

"Hey, you're tired. I'll let you sleep."

"No!" Niall shoots his eyes open. "I'm not tired, I'm not..." His words are slurred.

"You had a long day, I can tell. We can plan a longer call later, okay?" I plea. "Sleep now. I'll be right here."

My boyfriend shakes his head, and I think he's going to contend further, but he stands his phone sideways beside him instead. He crosses his arms and lays on his side, facing me, and I shift on the bed to parallel him too. It's almost as if he were lying beside me.

I gaze at his comfortable face. He looks so warm and cozy, his soft blond hair resting on his forehead and his closed smile soothing his whole aura. He's such a bittersweet painting, lying there like that. Bittersweet... because I want to touch him, caress his face or kiss his lips, but I can't.

"Kaya..." Niall mutters, eyes still closed.

"Yes?"

"Stay with me for a few hours, yeah?" He asks. "Even when I fall asleep, don't hang up yet."

I smile at him. "'Course not, babe." I whisper softly. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." He says back.

Silence overcomes us then, and I try my best to keep quiet while I watch him closely. The video freezes at some moments, but it comes right back and I don't get mad at the internet connection. Niall's not moving anyway. He's fallen asleep, so even if the video freezes, there wouldn't be any difference.

Those goddamn birds are chirping outside of my window again. I almost want to yell at them to shut up, to tell them that a baby is sleeping right now and that it's important he doesn't get woken up. Niall's that. He's a man-baby.

Half an hour later, Niall begins to make little snoring sounds and I almost can't suppress the cuteness. I want to squeal and grab his cheeks, but I can't, so I just bite down on my lip and continue watching him.

When I know it's been an hour, and I've realized how creepy I seem just staring at him like that, I force myself to end the call and put my phone down. I would've watched him the whole night through his sleep, but. I'm already crazy as it is.

And wait... fuck. It's Sunday now. It's August 21st.

I'm hit with the fact that school is starting and I haven't even prepared for it yet. All this Niall-going-to-Australia nonsense blinded every other thing I needed to worry about in life and now it's  _the_  Sunday before the first day of school. And I haven't even gotten my school supplies.

If that doesn't describe my procrastination for the upcoming school year, then I don't know what will.

I call Cady up to go school supply shopping with me but she says that she's already bought hers. Not only that, she's also hanging out with Liam so she wouldn't have been able to anyway. Therefore, I decide to ask my mom to go with me but a phone call from Harry alters that incentive.

"Hey, are you going to the library today?" He asks, and—oh yeah, it's library Sunday.

"Nah, not today. I've got other things to do. I still need to get stuff for school."

"Oh," Harry exhales. "Then I'll take you? The library thing was just an excuse to hang out. It's been a while. And I know you probably need someone to listen to you ramble about how much you miss Niall."

I chuckle. "I mean... okay? If you want to. But I  _will_  talk about Niall, so. Don't complain."

"Fine, fine." Harry abdicates. "But I've also got something to tell you. Remember when I said I wasn't ready to talk about my love life? I think I am now. There's this girl I met and I want to tell you about her."

My eyebrows shoot up. "Ooh, who? When did you meet her? What's—"

"Kaya! Save it for when I get you," Harry interjects. "We'll talk about it later. Are you thinking Target or Walmart?"

"Target, of course."

" _Tarshay_ ," Harry says in a French accent. "The fancier Walmart. Alright then. See you in twenty."

I laugh and roll my eyes, hanging up the phone after a goodbye. I sigh after that, forcing myself to my closet and picking out a casual and simple outfit. I can't be bothered to pull on jeans, so I just put on a pair of black leggings.

Harry picks me up at the allotted time he'd given me and drives to Target while I, of course, explain Niall's departure. I hadn't told Harry and Harry wasn't really invited to Niall's goodbye party, so the poor boy's been neglected for that better part.

"Do you miss him?" Harry asks, gazing straight forward at the road while he drives.

"Of course. And it's only the third day." I sigh. "I'm terrible."

Harry presses his lips together in sympathy. "You did the right thing—letting him go. It would've been worse if he stayed back. You would've felt bad."

I shrug my shoulder and mutter a  _yeah_... Except I'd said it so lowly under my breath that Harry didn't hear it. I don't agree with what he said. I wouldn't have felt bad. I'd do anything to bring Niall back here, to rid of this empty feeling that's been sinking in my stomach.

"So, who's the girl?" I ask Harry once we're inside the store and he's helping me pick out a two inch binder.

"What?" Harry bends down to look at the bottom shelf.

"You said you met someone," I slyly smile down at him. "You mentioned it and now you have to tell me. You're mad if you think I don't want all the deets."

Harry lets out an amused breath of air and reaches in front of him. He pulls out a purple binder with sparkles and a white unicorn on the cover. "Found your binder," He chuckles.

I ogle him weirdly. "Tell me!"

Dropping the binder back on the shelf, Harry sighs and pushes himself up with hands on his knees.

"Alright, alright." He buries his hands in his dark skinnies and bashfully faces me. "Her name is, uh... April. I met her at a party and we've been talking."

There's something negative behind the boy's features and I catch on.

"But?" I say.

Harry shrugs sadly. " _But_  she just broke up with her boyfriend, so I don't wanna rush into anything yet. I don't wanna be some rebound, you know? That'll just hurt me. I don't know what to do."

I bite my cheek. That  _is_  a problem.

"Did she love that guy a whole lot?" I ask and Harry already nods. I frown. "Then you're gonna have to wait for her to get over him... which I presume you've already figured out on your own."

Harry nods, unblinking and glum. He rocks on his heels and licks his lips. "Yeah, so. That sucks."

"That does." I say, beginning to walk down the aisle. "I'm glad you met someone, though. I know you stopped your quick hook ups and started looking for something serious. It's really nice too, you know. Being serious with someone. It's comforting."

"I bet. You and Niall almost make me want to get married sometimes."

"We're not married," I step back, meeting Harry's comical green eyes.

_I wouldn't mind that idea though._

Harry scoffs. "You guys basically are."

At that, I let out a smile and a roll of my eyes. Now he's got me imagining all sorts of things; a white fluffy wedding, Niall in a suit, Niall calling me his wife, Niall buying me a diamond ring, Niall and I—

"Ahem," Harry seizes my attention. He's got a blank white binder in his hands. "How 'bout we just get this one and plaster an HD close up of Niall's face on the cover? I think that'll suit you better, you lovesick mess of a goon."

He hits my forehead with the binder and I emit an  _ow!_ but the curly-haired idiot just laughs and I cross my arms like a little five year old.

It took us longer than expected to get all my supplies, but that's Harry's fault because he kept running away and hiding behind shelves. It even took me a whole ten minutes to find him one time, for he'd disguised himself in the women's section with hats and sunglasses. I don't know what's gotten into him. He must've had a bowl of sugar for breakfast.

So when he pulls me to the Starbucks that's adjoined in that Target, I shake my head at him but give in anyway. He really doesn't need any more sugar in his system but Harry Styles isn't someone who accepted a  _no_  so easily. Besides, we'd gotten all my supplies, so I guess that called for a coffee break.

After a little bit of chatter, he drives me back to my house and I thank him for accompanying me for the afternoon. He waves at me and says,  _see you at school tomorrow!_  and I wave him off but become angry that he's reminded me about that.

Obviously, I'd known about it since school  _was_  the sole purpose of our journey to Target, but. Now I'm less than twelve hours away from sitting in a classroom again and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

As Harry's car disappears down the road, I rotate to walk to my front door, the plastic bag of my supplies in my hand and my phone in the other. It chimes when I flash a glance at Niall's dark house, and it somehow feels ironic that he's sent me a message right then.

From: Cheesehead

good morning from straya :)

I instantly smile. Now everything really feels better. The air seems lighter and I couldn't care if I had to get up early tomorrow. My boyfriend is awake and I am happy.

My thumb types him back a reply as I walk to my house, but my message never gets the chance to send since his name appears on the screen for a FaceTime call. I answer immediately and seconds later, Niall is sticking his tongue out to the camera while saying,  _WHATSAPPPPP!!!_

I crack up into laughter, now plopped on my bed and loving the view right in front me.

"You idiot," I hugely smile at him and he does the same back.

"Well, it's a good morning, baby." Niall says, his face still close to the screen.

"Why? Do you have something fun planned for today?"

Niall shakes his head, his lips pursed. "Nah, not that I know of yet. Parents are still sleeping. They're like you in that way."

I sigh. "Not anymore. School starts tomorrow. I even went school shopping today, since  _we_ failed to do that while you were here."

"Aw shit, we were supposed to do that, weren't we? And then I left—" Niall cuts himself off and blinks. He shakes it off. "But fuck, I have to start school in a week or so, too. I have to wear a uniform, how crazy is that?"

Grabbing a pillow, I fit it in between my chest and arms so I have something to support holding the phone. My arms were getting tired. Niall seems to shift himself too, and now I can see where he's at since he backs up from the camera. He's in his room, the walls still tanned and bare.

"Oh yeah," I say, remembering the difference with the educational system in Australia. "Oh my God, uniforms! Like the cute blazers and khakis? Are you gonna wear that?"

Niall doesn't seem as excited. "Yeah, that. I'm getting fitted on Saturday. It'll be early here, so you'll probably be awake. I'll make sure to call you so you can drool all over me when I try it on."

I grow a sly yet oddly weird feeling smile, staring bashfully back at my boyfriend. He chuckles happily.

"I miss you so much already it's a joke." Niall confesses then, resting his chin on both his hands. He looks so adorable like that. His hair is getting long so it creeps under his ears and neck, he's wearing a pink shirt, and his eyes couldn't be playing a more blue sky.

"Stop me from buying a plane ticket right now, because I swear... the way you're looking at me is killing me." He says, his eyes focusing directly at me, almost as if our eyes are meeting the same connection.

Except they're not. We can't look right at each other like this, he's only staring straight into his camera lens and it makes me think that he is. If I look at the camera lens too, then I wouldn't be staring at him. It's so frustrating and I can't believe I'm becoming angry over something so little.

It's just that Niall and I used to look into each other's eyes and it'd mean so much. We spoke to each other through our long, silent gazes and it was almost like a different language. That probably makes no sense, but it's something we did that I heavily adored and now I'm hit with the fact that that's another thing we can't do anymore.

We can't touch and now we can't make sincere eye contact. Bummer.

Despite that, I become thankful that we're even talking at all. I'm going to make this long distance thing work because I believe that Niall and I can do it. We've pulled through so much in our relationship and this is just one more obstacle that we have to learn to overcome.

It's only been a few days and I've already figured out that this is going to be difficult. However, I'm determined to put in as much effort as it needs for us to stay together. I'll have to sacrifice being able to touch him and cuddle him and kiss him and so many other things, but. I'd rather talk to him like this than not have him at all.

"It's fine, don't get a plane ticket or I'll be mad at you." I finally reply. "Though, I don't know if  _you_ can stop  _me_  from flying over there."

Niall tilts his head, unsure if I'm serious or not. "Hey, I'd be thrilled for that. My room is pretty big, we could share it. And my bed is king-sized, you know. Plenty of space to fuck in twenty different positions."

"Niall!" I exclaim.

The blond boy shrugs his shoulder, obviously unfazed as I am at his last statement.

"Anyway, what all did you do today?" Niall starts. "I wanna know everything. I miss you and I want you to tell me every single thing you ate and did."

Before I reply, I drink in his closed smile for a minute. He's so special and entrancing, I swear I could stare at him and not get tired of any of his features. I do—eventually—snap out of it and begin to tell him about my day, from the moment I got up to the very minute he'd called me half an hour ago.

Niall slightly cringes when I tell him about the part where I went to Target with Harry, but he doesn't say anything about it and just encourages me to keep going. I even add in about Harry's new girl April, just to reassure him of anything he's secretly thinking on his own.

We talk for hours on end, and we laugh and enjoy the time as if we were actually-actually together. It makes up for every minute I've spent missing him, fills every hole of the empty feeling I've gotten since he got on his plane.

When bedtime calls and I bury myself under the covers, Niall and I still don't hang up. He lies down in bed too and pretends that we're lying next to each other. It's just like this morning, when I'd put him to bed and watched him fall asleep. Now it's reversed, and I'm the one with my eyes closed while his are open.

Although I can't really feel it, I know he's watching me. Observing me carefully. And like that, I fall asleep with the comforting thought of Niall (technically) next to me, watching me with his twinkly blue eyes that I willfully choose to dream about.


	17. Chapter 17

Getting through the first month without Niall was easier than I expected. I mean, I had moments when I’d blank out because I missed him, but they weren’t so bad. He’d persuaded me to download Snapchat and we used that platform to talk through pictures and short videos. So when one of us weren’t sleeping, we were talking.

School was a different story, but not entirely in a bad way. Considering the hell the place had been for me in the past three years, my senior year was off to a good start. Of course I’d envisioned going through it with Niall, but. I’d gotten past that and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t dwell on him for so long, I already do enough of that on late nights.

I seem to miss him more at those times. When I’m lying in bed, trying to remember what his touch felt like. I like to play back all the memories in my head and pretend to live off of them. I’m lovesick and I can’t help it.

Anyhow, despite Niall’s absence, school wasn’t hell anymore. I wasn’t that insecure, uptight girl that I used to be and that changed everything. Confidence can do that to you. It makes you stronger as a person and it makes you happier. I’ve learned that, when you stop caring about what other people think, you can do almost anything.

I think I’d been a mess in the past years because of Harry. I used to base everything around him and I wanted to change myself to fit his standards. But then Niall happened, and he gave me so much love that it made me want to love myself as well. I didn’t want to change anything, because the person Niall loved was _me_ and I couldn’t take that away from him.

Niall was good for me. Well, _is_. Present tense. Although he’s thousands of miles away, we’re still okay. We’re making it work. At least, I think so. We talked every night (morning for him) and we always try our best to fit to each other’s time zones. It’s getting a little harder, since school’s started and time has become limited, but we’re making it work.

…

“I’m dying. I miss him more every day. I need him here. I miss his arms around me and his kisses and—“ I say, tossing my English assignment to a farther spot on my bed.

“I know, Kaya.” Harry remarks from the edge of my bed, kneeled on the floor with a pencil in his mouth as he looks at his paper.

Cady covers my face with her hand, especially pressing her palm on my mouth.

“Shut up, one more thing about Niall and I’ll tape your mouth together. We have to get this project done by tomorrow or we’re getting zeroes for our first grades. I can’t afford that. It’s bad luck.” She finally takes her hand away. “I don’t know about you, but I wanna graduate.”

“I do, too!” I shoot up from the bed. “I just! I miss him! You guys don’t get it because your boyfriend is here,” I say to Cady. “For God’s sake, Liam’s just down the hall in the bathroom!” I turn to Harry. “And you! That girl you like is here, too. She’s in the same city, not across the fucking ocean in a country filled with Kangaroos and super hot girls!”

I cross my arms and pout my lips. “You guys have no room to talk.”

“Is that what this is about?” Harry says, finally putting down his paper and focusing on me. “Are you worried that Niall’s gonna hook up with some other girl? Because I thought _he_ was the one who had trusting problems,”

“No, it’s not that,” I say, genuinely meaning it. “I just miss him is all.”

“Hmm.” Harry hums, picking up the paper again. “Then let’s get back to the assignment . I think we should analyze Holden’s character, talk about his indifference with everyone he encounters and how hypocritical he is.”

“Psh,” Cady scoffs. “I think he’s just a messed up rich kid. Why does he call everything phony anyway? He’s so judgmental.”

“Okay, but think about his backstory.” Harry contends. “He’s hospitalized and his brother’s death traumatized him. There are reasons for the way he is, and—“

Harry’s words blur into background noise and I grab my phone to check Snapchat. I’d sent Niall a snap back an hour ago and he still hasn’t opened it. He’d been pretty consistent at replying earlier but now he’s MIA. He must’ve gone to eat or something. It’s his lunch period right now.

(I’ve figured out the time zones by now, I can even convert our times in my sleep.)

It’s all been clear skies and bright sunshine for him over there. He’d sent me pictures with his parents, a bunch of frozen wide smiles with his mom’s arm around him and his dad just as close by. They even took Niall on an exploration of the country, seeing by the countless pictures he’d sent of him standing in front of famous landmarks.

He’d started school just recently, and he’s even made friends with a couple kind looking guys. I’ve seen them through Niall’s Snapchat stories, in all their fun and reckless nonsense running around their school or swimming in Niall’s backyard pool. (How crazy is that? Niall’s new house has a fucking pool.)

And through all those stories, there’s always been a girl meandering in the background. Of course she’s just a friend, and Niall’s never actually taken a picture close to her, but she’s always there in his stories, hanging out with the guys with whatever foolish pastimes they got into.

There was even one time that he’d added on his Snapchat story, where he was sitting in a classroom filming himself with the dog filter, and then switching it to her, who was a couple seats behind him. Snapchat had found her face and put the dog ears on her and everything, and she looked so cute it fussed something hot in my stomach.

Niall’s never talked about her, but she’s as pretty as any girl I’d ever seen. I don’t even know her name, never even heard her voice since she’s always just smiling somewhere in the back. There’s something about her innocent smile and her pretty ombre hair and her Australian everything that makes me like her even though I want, so bad, to hate her.

Anyway, I trust Niall so what’s to hate? The girl’s probably friends with one of Niall’s guys so she just happened to trail along all the time. I won’t lie about the slight jealousy I get every time I see her on his stories, but. She’s just a friend. She doesn’t even seem to like Niall. She’s just there. All the time.

And fuck me because that’s what bothers me. She’s there. All. The. Time.

Am I wrong to worry even a tiny bit?

Conclusively, Niall seems happy and I think that’s all it takes to make me forget about that girl and whatever other foolish thought that looms in my mind. He’s reunited with his parents and he has friends and he’s happy.

It’s funny, because looking back, those were factors that he didn’t have when he was here.

So this is good. This is totally good.

Except for the fact that I’m all the way over here and he’s all the way over there. And we can’t kiss or nap together or binge watch _How I Met Your Mother_. I even miss his sexual remarks and his smelly feet; including the one foot with the very odd and concerning extra toe. I don’t know what happened there. It’s a flaw he’s had for the longest of time.

Anyway, is it really a flaw if I love it?

My phone lights up in my hands, notifying me that Niall’s finally sent me a snap back. All the thoughts flying inside my head dissolve into thin air, making me forget everything and anything.

…

I shoot through the first semester with straight A’s and well, okay. Not entirely. There’s one high B, but that’s in Chemistry and I think my teacher hates me. My grade is literally 89.99% in there and I’m probably fuming like a mad bull right now, ready to rip my report card into a thousand pieces. Like come on, can’t you be a Good Samaritan and grant me that one fucking decimal up? _Jesus Christ._

Niall tells me to calm down from the other side of my phone screen, but I’m so angry I don’t know if I can hold it in. So I start rambling, telling him how unfair this is and how I just might head into class tomorrow and demand Mr. Hahn to change it. Because if he doesn’t, I’ll bash his head in.

“Jesus, woman! Chill out. It’s just one B, it’s not the end of the world.” Niall chuckles, stuffing his face with a sandwich. He’s on his lunch period right now, and he’s with his mates (he’s started using Australian slang) in their cafeteria.

I’ve seen Niall in his school uniform more times than I can count by now, but I swear I’ll never get tired of how that gray blazer looks on him. And the black tie. And the white collar. And the high and mighty yellow badge of his private school’s logo sawn onto the chest of his blazer. Let me die or so help me God.

“Yeah, it’s one B away from a perfect line of straight A’s!” I deadpan, raising the report card to the camera. I use my finger to slide down the row of A’s, “Look, A A A A and—“ I scowl, “—B! It just made this whole card ugly.”

Niall stifles into laughter and puts down his sandwich. “God, Kaya, thank you for being Kaya.”

My scowl tugs into a slight smile.

“You wouldn’t like my marks then,” Niall starts. “I’ve got a variety of the alphabet, it’s fucking ugly. I think I have an F in a class I don’t even remember the name of.”

The slight smile lowers into that scowl again.

“It’s your last year of high school and you still can’t be assed to keep your grades up?” I say.

“Baby, don’t you know me?” Niall rolls his eyes. “I’m not book smart. I may be smart in all the other ways, but book smart is not one of them. We save that one for you in the relationship. I think it balances out quite nicely.”

I shake my head and heave a sigh. “Whatever, Horan.”

“Yeah, _whatever, Horan_.” He repeats in a high mocking tone. He does that every time I say it, and it reminds me of how often I use that phrase.

My phone buzzes just then, and a notification reading _From Harry: I’m here!_ shows and I jump from my bed. Niall notices, and he looks at me carefully, as if he knows that I’m about to let go of him. He’s right.

“Gotta go,” I say, fixing myself up from the bed.

“Oh, okay. I gotta get back to class soon anyway,” Niall replies.

I smile at him and he waves, albeit his focus that’s now concentrated on his friends who are sitting with him at his table. I wait another minute, but Niall doesn’t proceed with what I’m expecting him to, so I press the _END_ button and the video call disconnects.

For a second, I stare at my phone in pure silence and wonder. The screen lights up, but it’s only another text from Harry. My thumbs twitch on the glass, unsure if I should call Niall back and ask him if he forgot or if he didn’t know I was hanging up.

I don’t do it. Instead I get up from the bed and head down my hallway, all the while thinking, _that’s the first time we didn’t exchange I love you’s at the end of a call._ Huh.

…

Harry and I drive to Cady’s house, where we all jump into Liam’s vehicle and ride to a Dave & Buster’s in the city. It’s a Thursday night, but we decided to go out for a quick bite and a little fun. Besides, it’s Friday tomorrow and the semester’s just ended, so. We most likely won’t be learning anything new until we get back from Christmas break.

The dinner slash arcade joint is decorated with red and green, jolly here and jolly there with ornaments and large candy canes that hang on the walls. There are even mini Christmas trees at each table, with their own stars and red glittery ribbons. It’s like some Christmas elf came and threw up all over the place, but it’s nothing different from every other place I’ve been in recently.

Christmas Eve is going to be here in less than a week. I can’t fathom that thought. I swear it hasn’t been that long since last Christmas.

At that time last year, Niall was here and he’d helped set up our Christmas tree so my mom didn’t have to struggle with it on her own. When it was finished, ball ornaments hanging on almost every limb and the different colored LED lights flashing to the tune of _Jingle Bells,_ Niall had turned off all the lights in the house and commenced a little dance party.

We danced and sung Christmas carols around that tree; my mom, Niall, and I, and it was a good time. As we’d sung _Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer_ in the midst of our laughter, I knew that it was going to be a night I’d remember forever. And it was. I’m sitting with my friends in a booth while they look over their menus and I’m over here reminiscing on another memory with Niall.

I hate how everything reminds me of him. I swear his existence is part of my body, flowing through my veins and arteries as if he’s a new type of blood cell that I can’t live without. There’s red blood cells, white blood cells, thrombocytes, and now Niall Horan blood cells inside me. I need him to live just like how the other three main sources keep me going.

“Hey, your phone is ringing.” Cady taps my shoulder and I find her, her eyes meeting mine and bringing me back to the present.

“Oh, yeah, thanks.” I mumble, looking at my phone and seeing Niall’s caller ID.

Well would you look at that. I think about him and he calls. What kind of connection.

“Hello?” I answer the phone, having to cover my other ear with a cupped hand upon realizing the noise level in the restaurant. “Niall?”

“Hey babe, why’s it so loud?” Niall asks, his voice rising.

“I, um, I’m at Dave & Buster’s with my friends. What’s up?”

“Oh,” Niall’s tone lowers. “Never mind then.”

“No, what is it?” I say, catching Harry’s slightly concerned expression from across the table. I make a face to assure him that it’s okay. “Tell me.”

Niall sighs and I start to worry. Did he realize that he forgot to say _I love you_ earlier? Or is he hurt? Or maybe something bad happened to him and—

“I just… I thought we’d planned to FaceTime tonight. Have a really long talk and all, cos’ I miss you lots.” Niall says, and I keep quiet to let him continue. “You’ve gotten busy with school and the time zones always collide so whenever I’m ready to talk, you’re in class. Or the other way around. So I thought—“

“Hey, I can’t hear what you’re saying, the line keeps breaking,” I lie, although I can hear him perfectly fine. “I’m sorry, I have to hang up.”

“What?” Niall’s voice is the one that breaks, not the line. “Okay. I’ll just text you later then. Have a good night with your friends.”

“Okay. Thanks.” I say. I hesitate for a second, waiting for the silence to end, waiting for him to say something else. Only he doesn’t, and I’m left again to hang up the call with nothing but empty words.

Though the people in this place are extremely loud right now—on top of the Christmas music and the beeping tones of the arcade games—I could hear Niall clearly enough to understand what he was saying. It’s just that, I felt guilty when he said what he did because I had forgotten. We _did_ plan on having a long talk tonight. We planned it last week even.

I’d told him, “The first semester ends next Thursday. We can talk then—like really, really talk. Not just these quick calls that we’ve been doing.” and I’d forgotten. I’d forgotten all about it and it makes me feel guilty. I feel even worse contemplating if I had promised or if I hadn’t.

It’s not that I don’t think about him as much anymore or wait for his calls or anything. We were FaceTiming and messaging like crazy the first two months, always replying to each other almost instantly. But then another week passed and messaging each other became different.

He took longer to reply—sometimes even days—and it fazed me for a while until it didn’t. I got used to it and I started doing it too. He’d message me and I’d see the notification on my phone and think, _I’ll just reply back later_. And I shouldn’t have thought like that, because I ended up not _replying back later_ at all.

Most times, I was studying with friends or I was in class. Any other time, I was busy. When I wasn’t, he was.

So communication didn’t last very long, but we still made time to talk to each other every once in a while. They were usually quick calls, because we’d gotten bored of saying the same things every time. It’s just really hard to stay interested when you can’t touch the other person.

And believe me, I tried. I know he did too. But over time, neither of us wanted to put effort into it anymore and the distance finally took its toll.

So while I sit here with my friends, waiting for the waitress to come back to take our order, I feel guilt driving throughout my entirety. Because Niall and I had talked about this problem last week. He finally acknowledged it, and we worked it out and agreed to try again. He missed me and I missed him. And I bloody fucking forgot.

The first effort he put in to keep us going and I forgot.

“Are you okay?” Harry asks, his eyebrows scrunched together in worry.

“What’d Niall say?” Cady asks from my side.

I shake my head and reach forward to grab a chip, promptly dipping it into the salsa. “Nothing,” I mumble, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. I can even feel Liam staring. “It was nothing.”

My friends know me well, so they don’t try to pry me open and it makes me push it to the back of my head. We eat dinner and play games, swiping our cards machine after machine for hours on end. I forget about Niall for the night because I’m distracted, having no time to think about him and all.

Still, I think it’s me who doesn’t want to contemplate it. I don’t want a migraine and I don’t know if my heart has numbed to feel for someone I’ve been missing for too long.

…

“Kaya, before you go, tell me.” Harry says, parking his car right in front of my house. I grab the car handle and look at him weirdly.

“Tell you what?”

“About Niall and that phone call that made you weird all night. You’ve been stiff.” He explains, sitting back in his seat. “Is it getting harder? Because you haven’t been yourself lately.”

Ah, for God’s sake.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Niall and I are fine.” I pull the car handle and the door opens, but I don’t step out just yet.

Harry scoffs on an amused grin. “Alright, but. For as long as I’ve known women, the word _fine_ has a thousand other meanings hidden behind it.”

I stare at him for a nanosecond, his eyes unblinking. I sigh. “Fine. There _is_ something. But I’m tired and I don’t want to talk about it. So goodnight. Thank you for driving me back.” I step out.

Harry nods, unsatisfied. “Goodnight.”

After one look, I close the door and step back, Harry zooming down the street with one quick propel.

As for me, I stay frozen in my spot, right next to my mailbox. I still look at the pavement where Harry’s car had been, suddenly feeling painstakingly empty. I should’ve talked about it with him. He’s been pretty good at listening and I think I needed someone to vent to. I just didn’t feel like it at that moment.

I feel regret now though. I should’ve given Harry that much. He’s been such a great friend these past few months. We’ve hung out more than we have before and I got to know the deeper side of him. We’d sit in coffee shops talking, walked parks, toured antique stores (as per his liking), and studied together in the library. He’s told me so much about him and I never gave anything back.

For the main part, he’s been the main glue that’s kept Niall and I together. He makes sure to remind me that Niall and I are going to be okay. It’s probably why I’ve kept him close, because I needed someone to reassure me. Because I couldn’t reassure myself anymore.

I feel bad for Harry too though. That girl he’s been waiting for still hasn’t given him the time of day. I check in about her sometimes, and Harry would tell me that she’s either still hung up on her ex or just not wanting to jump into a new relationship. I tell Harry to give up, to look for someone new. He just shakes his head and changes the topic, so. Nothing much I can really help with there.

My feet pivot and I face Niall’s house. I’m thinking about going in there today, but I probably shouldn’t. I’ve spent too much time roaming his home when I’m only supposed to be looking out for it. I just can’t help myself though. I have the key and it always screams for me to use it.

I don’t know how many times it’s been, but I’ve laid in his bed and smelled the sheets because his scent still lingered there. I’d sat on his couch and watched TV, expecting Niall to enter the room so we can continue with our Netflix marathons.

I’ve even sat in his backyard and stargazed at the night sky. I know, cliché, but. We’d slept out there once last summer, singing each other to sleep with the stars to hum in the background.

Now I’m by myself, so I have to talk to the sky alone. I ask the stars about Niall; if they missed him as much as I did. The moon would join in then, shining brightly at me as if he’s telling me that Niall looks up at the same moon, asking him about me too. That’s when I’d start crying. I’d play past scenes of Niall and I in my head and it made me cry even harder.

The night sky just twinkles at me behind my wet blurred eyes, creating canvases of blue strokes and white specks. It’s such a sad and beautiful hallucination.

Instead of entering the home, I make it as far as his porch and don’t allow myself any farther than that. I sit on the steps and sigh multiple times, checking my phone for any new messages from the said boy.

I haven’t gotten anything. It’s evening time in Australia and it’s the perfect time for us to talk. However, Niall’s probably hanging out with _his_ friends now.

His Snapchat story confirms it. It seems like he’s kicking around a soccer ball with his guys on some green field. It’s not the first time I’ve seen it, Niall’s showed it to me before when he’d gone by myself since it’s near his house.

I can hear Niall laughing behind the camera as he films his friends running around. The ball comes out of nowhere and a guy shouts, “Here, Niall!” and I see Niall’s foot launching towards it, the video ending right that second. And that’s it. It switches to Kylie Jenner puckering her lips to the camera and it’s over.

Hm. No sense in calling him up now. He’s with his friends.

Whatever. It’s 11 PM here and I should get home and go to bed. But before that, I turn around and dig Niall’s house key from inside my purse.

…

A few days later on Christmas Eve, I pull on a knitted red and white striped sweater atop my dark blue jeans. With tape, I stick on the premade letters spelling _U G L Y_ on my chest. I look in the mirror and smile in accomplishment. That works.

I’ve never bought an ugly Christmas sweater, though I’ve been meaning to for the past couple of years. I’m just not sure where I’m supposed to get one, and I wasn’t about to invest in a non-authentic one from Forever 21. I think people get them from their grandmothers, but mine had passed away from breast cancer years before I was even born. It’s terrible.

So this sweater will have to work for now. There’s got to be a point in the book somewhere for creativity.

“Bye mom, I’m leaving!” I shout in her bedroom, grasping her doorframe. “I’ll be back in a few hours, I promise.” I say, and my mom waves me off from her desk.

“Be safe honey.” She mumbles amidst her papers, and I take that as a go and whirl myself around to the front door.

Before exiting, I check my phone but regret doing so upon reading the empty screen. I don’t know why I thought Niall would’ve messaged me, we haven’t talked for days after all. I mean, not that it’s Christmas Eve or anything.

It’s already Christmas morning where he’s at, so it fazes me even more that he hasn’t thought to send anything.

Whatever. I don’t know if I can feel anything anymore. A person can only handle so much neglect.

Harry’s sporting a black sweater with patterned reindeers, pertinent with battery-operated Christmas lights that twirl all over his front and back. I compliment him on the multicolored lights, and he shrugs a _thank you_ and sets off to Liam’s house for the mini Christmas party that the man’s set to host.

In truth, I wasn’t too ecstatic when Liam had announced it. I’ve never been the kind of person to go somewhere on Christmas Eve; I was more fond of the idea of sitting cozily in my own home, sitting by the fire and sipping hot chocolate with _The Polar Express_ playing on TV. It was a tradition of mine that I did every year. (That exact movie included).

Be that as it may, Harry persuaded me when he’d mentioned that that girl of his, April, would come too, and that he needed me there to help him win her over. I don’t really know how much I can be of help, since I’ve never played the role of a wingman, but. I guess I owed him that much.

Plus, I wanted to see him happy. He deserved it.

Liam’s house is a complete Christmas mess. He really shouldn’t have used the term “mini” to describe the party because it’s a hundred people away from that. There are jocks upon jocks roaming his house, Liam seeming to find it in himself to invite the whole football team. They’re lazing around on almost every furniture and corner of the house, drinking eggnog and wearing reindeer and Santa hats, a sight I never thought I’d see from their type of people. Masculinity and all that.

However, Liam’s probably forced them all to put the hats on before receiving entry into his home, cursing them away if they so little as refused. Besides, who can say no to Liam Payne anyway? Certainly not a lot of people and certainly not me. He’s a big guy with a built body that can probably pound you in in two seconds, but he’s also a softie all the same. Give him a puppy and I promise you he’ll melt on the spot.

Thus, when we walk in the entrance, Liam shoves reindeer ears on Harry and I’s heads, making us ogle at him weirdly but withholding from letting it happen.

“It’s to get in the holiday spirit,” Liam chimes, his whole red Santa outfit striking me back. “Take it off and I’ll kick you out.”

Oh. Okay then.

So Harry and I walk farther in the house with Liam at our lead, passing through the common area that’s got jocks littered around with soft Christmas music playing in the background. I don’t fail to notice the stockings hung up on the fireplace, the huge Christmas tree right next to it, and the multiple human-sized nutcrackers standing creepily about.

At least now I know what Liam’s favorite holiday is.

Cady’s in Liam’s room and that’s where we finish our excursion. She’s no different from her boyfriend, matching his Santa attire with Mrs. Claus painting her composition. She notices my cringe and chuckles, muttering under breath, _I did it to make Liam happy_.

That’s all it takes for me to fall under the festivity of it all.

…

I drink the eggnog and sit mostly with Cady in Liam’s bedroom, talking about Niall and how we’ve been dealing with this long distance thing that I’m not sure is even a thing anymore. Harry and Liam have disappeared, most likely socializing with their football friends and whatever stuff football jocks do. (That counts for Harry too, I think. He’s quit the team but they’re still his friends.)

After a while, Cady and I walk out to join everyone else—as per her request—because we’re not getting anywhere with analyzing Niall and I’s relationship and _this isn’t helping, you look like you’re about to cry and it’s Christmas Eve so we’re not having that._ (Cady’s exact words.)

We locate her boyfriend and Harry in the kitchen, laughing with a couple of guys about a past game they had a year ago. Those guys leave once Cady hangs herself on Liam though, and I sit on the island in the center of the room, sipping on the last of my eggnog and obviously still thinking about Niall.

I’ve been checking my phone for the past hour that I’ve been here, and I swear to God I’ll combust if nothing comes soon. This may become the worst Christmas yet. I wish my emotions weren’t defined by this one, sole person, but it is what it is.

“Harry, where’s that April girl of yours?” I say once I put my phone away and focus on the curly-haired boy by the stove.

“Yeah, where is she? I thought she was coming, she’s kinda late.” Liam quips from inside his refrigerator.

Harry takes a bite of his gingerbread cookie and shrugs, his eyes captivated by his phone in his other hand.

“Uhhh… soon.” He catches my eye contact and blinks. “Actually, she just said she’s here now. Kaya, would you mind greeting her out front?”

I knit my eyebrows. “Why me?”

“’Cause I gotta go to the bathroom and fix my hair first, dammit.” Harry separates his bottom from the counter. “Please?”

With a roll of my eyes, I jump down from the island and cup his shoulder as I walk past. “Fine.”

“Thanks!” He shouts from behind me, and I extend my hand to the air to wave him off.

I have to carefully slink through the common area to get to the front door, since the big football men are basically running at each other and tackling bodies onto the floor. I don’t get why they’re doing that, don’t they already get enough fulfillment from shoving each other on the football field? I’ll never understand the way their minds work.

I’ve never in my life met this April girl or even seen her, as Harry’s never shown me a picture before, so I’m not sure what to expect when I stand on Liam’s front yard. It’s dark out here anyway, I wouldn’t be able to see her face if she was walking towards me. It’s also chillingly quiet, so I think that girl may have lied when she said she’d arrived.

So I wait. And I snag my phone from my pocket to check it again.

There’s nothing.

“Hey,” Harry’s voice sounds behind me, his figure exiting the abode and closing the door.

“Where is she? I’ve been standing here for fifteen minutes!” I don’t hesitate to say, my voice meaning its whining tone.

Harry folds his lips inwardly and scratches the tip of his nose. He sidles next to me and hides his hands in his pockets, his eyes lingering from the floor until they unwillingly meet mine.

“There’s just one thing, Kaya,” He begins, taking out his phone and showing me the screen as he turns it on. “She _is_ here.”

I look at his phone that’s showing nothing, and then around us, as if some girl’s hiding in between the well-groomed bushes. Confusion whacks me in the face.

“What, where?” I ask dumbly.

Harry quietly laughs, dramatically locking his screen as he clearly states, “ _You’re_ April.”

My head shakes and my eyes blink rapidly when I stutter back with, “Wh-wh-what?”

“You’re April,” Harry repeats, grabbing my hand and keeping the hold in between us. “All this time… I made her up as an alternative of you.”

My mouth parts in my stunned state, the weight of my body suddenly gravitating with a strong force that’s trying to pull me down. Gears are spinning in my head and I don’t know how to react.

“Why?” I say, since it’s the only thing I can croak out.

“Because?” Harry closes the space and before I can even attempt dodging it, he kisses me and doesn’t let go.


	18. Chapter 18

As soon as Harry’s lips touch mine, I feel betrayal consuming my insides, eating my guts and whatever else that generates my body. It takes me a minute to soak it all in, coming to the realization that this is wrong, this is so very wrong.

“No!” I shove Harry’s chest with my hands, disconnecting not only our lips but also our bodies. “Wh-wh-why did you do that? What makes you think you can kiss me?”

Harry looks at me with the most startled expression, his mouth frozen in place and his eyes widened.

“Why not?” He answers with a question. “Kaya, I thought…” His face fabricates pain and I become confused. I’m the only one who should be hurt right now.

I step back when he tries to walk towards me. His hand’s in the air as if he’s reaching out to grab me, but if he does, I’ll run away. I really will.

“I thought it was mutual,” Harry murmurs under his breath. “These past few months—we’ve been so close and—and I thought you felt it, too.”

“No?” I pant. “What’s wrong with you? I thought you supported me and Niall!” My voice raises a few volumes but I can’t help it.

The wrinkled tension on Harry’s forehead drops to a normal, relaxed setting. He crosses his arms and flips his hair all coolly.

“Psh,” He sneers. “You guys are basically over, am I wrong? You haven’t even talked to him. You’re broken up but you’re just scared to admit it.”

It takes me a minute to speak back, but that’s only because his words had knocked on a sensitive subject. Finally, I garner myself and stand my ground.

“No we’re not?” I start. “I still love him, Harry? I still cry for him and hurt for his touch. My mouth hasn’t shut up about him since the last time he kissed it. You should know that.  I miss him more and more every day and I don’t do anything about it because I’ve hurt so much I don’t know what’s pain and what’s not anymore.” I pause to suck in a deep breath.

Harry tries to squeeze in something but I beat him to it.

“But I’m sorry?” I say sarcastically. “You shouldn’t have done that. You were my friend and I trusted you.”

“Kaya, I…” Harry attempts again, but I immediately shake my head and tell him to stop. I honestly don’t want to hear it. I don’t think I even want to hear his voice.

I grab the sides of my head with my hands and massage my temples. “Please,” I mutter, staring at the ground. “Don’t talk to me. I don’t want to see you right now. I can’t… I can’t.”

Harry doesn’t say anything and it produces a heavy silence in the chilly night air. It’s like that for some long minutes, and when I still don’t raise my head to look at him, I hear his shoes scraping the ground as he turns and goes back into the house. The door slams behind him and it leaves a soaring pain throughout my eardrums.

At the same time, I’m glad. Had he stood out here any longer, I might have done something I’d regret. It’s not anything criminal or murderous, but. It’s pretty close.

Despite that, now I’m all alone and I have to face my thoughts. What the hell am I supposed to think? How _do_ I think? I don’t know if I can even do that. The only thing running through my head now is Niall. I can literally hear a voice in my brain screaming, _NIALL NIALL NIALL!!!_

As it zooms around, it leaves a trail of guilt and betrayal. I’ve just kissed someone that wasn’t him. I mean, I didn’t kiss Harry back, but his lips were still on mine and therefore, we _kissed_. In Niall’s terms, that would still fall under the term _cheating_. Wouldn’t it?

And fuck. Fucking fuck. I think I’d rather die than have this guilt monster that’s now abruptly eating me alive. If kissing someone wasn’t already bad, the person I’d shared it with just made it a hell of a lot worse.

It just had to be Harry fucking Styles; the one person Niall has had every issue and problem with, the main subject of most of Niall and I’s arguments. I’d worked so hard for Niall to understand that there was nothing between Harry and I, that everything was completely platonic and innocent. Now all the work I’ve put in has fallen to nothing but waste, and I hate myself for even putting all that trust in a friend that I now know wasn’t really a friend at all.

I take in a really deep and shaky breath, trying my best not to release the waterworks that are building up behind my eyes. I have to stop thinking. I’m going to have a breakdown if I continue and I can’t do that in front of Liam’s house.

So I dig for my phone in my back pocket, my fingers vibrating like crazy as I search for Cady’s contact and press on her number.

“Kaya? What’s up? Did you meet April—“ My best friend starts. The mention of that name makes me want to puke.

“Fuck. Cady, please drive me home. I need to go home right now.” I speak quickly, my voice cracking. It’s difficult to find the courage to keep talking. “Please.”

“Oh… okay.” Cady complies. I know she can tell there’s something wrong. “Let me grab my keys and I’ll meet you out front, alright? Hold on.”

“Thank you.” I exhale with closed eyes. “Thank you.”

…

Cady notices the apprehension radiating off my person once she sees me. Frankly, you’d be crazy not to. As much as I try, I can never hide what I’m feeling. It somehow always shows and people can read me easily. I’ve never been a great liar either, so I think that plays a part too.

So of course, as Cady embarks on our long way home, she successfully begs me enough to tell her what’s wrong. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t, but Cady is so great at whatever it is she does, so I tell her about it anyway.

“Oh, shit…” is what she mutters while she drives, her eyes lost on the road. “I’m sorry, Kay. That’s… that’s over the top.”

I just shake my head and stare at my fingers on my lap. “Don’t. Let’s not talk about it now. I just want to go home.”

With that, the rest of the drive is silent and I’m thankful. Cady keeps glancing at me during stoplights and I just continue looking down. I know she’s worried and that she wants to comfort me, but I honestly don’t think that’ll help right now. Either way, I love her for it and I’m glad to have her as a friend.

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay, alright?” Cady tells me when we arrive at my house and I’m out of the car, about to close the door.

I fake my best smile. “Thanks. Now go back to Liam’s, I’m sure he’s looking for you.” I say. “Have a good Christmas, I’ll text you later.”

Cady tries on a smile too, and after a minute, I shut the car door and wait for her to go. She hesitates for a moment, but I look at her through the slightly tinted window and shake my head. She understands, and after that, she speeds down my street and disappears behind the black night.

As for me, I make the same walk to Niall’s house that I’ve taken time and time again. I swear, I’ve walked across his lawn so much my footsteps are probably starting to engrave in the ground. If it was visible, it’d start from my house and lead to his door.

I basically live in his house. I can’t help it, being in his home is like being in our memories.

Like always, I end up in the same place when I go in there; his bed. I don’t know what it is about that spot, if it’s because Niall’s slept there or because we’ve spent too much time on it, but something about it is comforting. Or everything, more like. Everything about that bed is comforting. It’s some sort of safe haven for me, a place that I can breathe and feel okay again.

Tonight, it seems like the bed is against me. I lay on top of the duvet but I feel like something’s strangling my body, wrapping around me and squeezing me of any remaining oxygen. Before I know it, tears are running down my cheeks and I’m hugging my shaking body. I begin to cry so hard that my nose becomes stuffed and I have to sit up to try helping it clear.

It doesn’t help. My nose is caught in my tears and I can’t breathe out of it. I have to open my mouth to keep respiring, but that doesn’t really help because now I’m gasping for breath. The sound scares me and I close my eyes, for fear that I’ll see monsters in the dark or shadows where there shouldn’t be. I’ve never been in this much pain before and I’m not sure how to handle it. So I just keep crying.

My chest is hurting, as if a train wreck has taken place inside it, colliding with my heart and refusing to turn around. If that isn’t bad enough, my throat is now sore and hot.

It hurts. Everything hurts.

“I’m sorry,” I sob, my voice cracking under every syllable. “I’m so sorry, I love you, I’m sorry,”

I don’t know who I’m speaking to, but my mouth is saying it without even granting my permission. I have to grab the sides of my head because it’s starting to feel heavy, and it surprises me when I realize my hands are shaking like crazy. I try to stop them, but I can’t, I swear I can’t.

Eventually, I gather enough courage to open my eyes. All I see is pitch black. I try to breathe from my nose but it’s still completely blocked. I give that up, now scouring for my phone that I’ve thrown somewhere on the bed.

Through my suffocation, I scroll my phone for Niall’s contact and let my thumb float above the green call button. I need to call him and tell him. He needs to know that Harry kissed me and that I didn’t kiss him back. But a dark voice inside my head is demanding me not to. It’s threatening me to put the phone down and lock the secret away in a safe inside the deepest crevice of my brain.

So I don’t. Instead, I turn on some music, thinking that it may calm me down. It does help a bit.

I let myself fall back on the cold duvet, my arms and legs spread out around me. I gaze at the darkness and take in Niall’s scent. His smile flashes before my eyes and I feel guilty all over again.

I have to tell him, but not right now. It’s Christmas and it’s not the time. This will most likely lead to something bad and I don’t think I’m emotionally ready for it. I’m already this bad, and imagining Niall’s reaction only makes it worse. I promised myself that I’d never hurt the person I love the most and now…

What if he breaks up with me? What if he stops talking to me altogether and I never hear from him ever again? I don’t know if I’d be able to handle it.

The music fades to nothing until it starts again. There must be some holiday special on Pandora right now, because _I’ll Be Home For Christmas_ sounds its first lines and I’m crying again. Of all the Christmas songs in the world, they just _had_ to play that one. For God’s sake.

I miss my home. In this term, I’m homesick but it’s not for a place.

Missing Niall comes in waves and this one washed over me with such a hard force that I feel like I’m drowning in its wake. And I keep thinking that he’s going to come back to me, keep waiting for him to enter the room and shower me with kisses like he used to. Except he never does, and I’m left here by myself to pass the time alone.

…

The warm sunlight peeking through Niall’s window wakes me up. It’s shining hotly on my face and I think I may be sweating a bit. My ears come back to me then, and I hear those familiar birds chirping and I swear under my breath. I’m not Snow White, why do they keep following me everywhere?

Coming with the realization that I’m not in my own bed, I shoot up and curse to myself. I must’ve fallen asleep here last night. I’d meant to go back to my own place but I must’ve gotten lost in my sadness and cried myself to sleep. My eyes are swollen and it reminds me of how much I must’ve released.

My phone beeps somewhere and I find it under the pillow. There are miscalls from my mom, Cady, and Harry. There’s even a text message from every one of those people; my mom with _where are you???_ , Cady with _merry christmas!!! hope youre okay!!!_ , and Harry with _please call me back. im sorry_.

All from everyone except for the one person that I’ve been waiting for. It’s Christmas morning and still nothing. What a disappointment.

The device begins to vibrate in my hands and my eyes focus on the screen again. And fuck. Harry is calling.

I glare at his caller ID, letting it continue ringing. It doesn’t stop and I feel like it’s going to ring forever. So I answer.

“What?” I spit, a sour taste forming in my mouth.

“Kaya?” Harry says loudly, his voice full of surprise. “Thank God you answered. Are you okay?”

I feel my stomach turn and my face lowers to disgust. How can he speak so normally with me right now? As if last night didn’t happen?

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” Harry continues when I don’t reply. “I shouldn’t have done that and I am so, so sorry.”

There it is.

“You’ve been lying to me.” I state, not taking his apology. “About April, about this and that, about Niall and I. You said we were gonna be okay, but you didn’t really mean that, did you?”

“Kaya, I—“

“No!” I cut him off. “You lied about everything and I’m done with you.”

Harry’s deep voice husks a _what?_ and I carry on since he doesn’t seem to get it.

“I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.” I declare, making sure every word is loud and clear. “It really fucking sucks too, because you were a great friend. You just had to go and ruin it, didn’t you?”

“Kaya, I said I’m sorry?”

I clutch the phone tighter, letting his words go in one ear and right out the other.

“But you don’t really mean that, do you?” That shuts him up.

It’s abnormally silent for quite a while, but Harry clears his throat and it validates that he hasn’t hung up. I’m surprised _I_ haven’t ended the call, to be honest. There’s a burning sensation sparking inside the cavity that holds my heart and it’s so, so hot.

“You’re overreacting, Kaya.” Harry finally speaks, his words lighting another match in my chest. “Of course I didn’t mean the shit I said. Listen to me, you and Niall are over. The truth hurts, but you need to get that through your head.”

I let my face scrunch together tightly. “Who _are_ you anymore?”

“Look, I’ve been dealing with your crap for too long and I’m sick of it.” Harry concedes. “Get over Niall, he’s never coming back. And don’t say you still don’t have feelings for me, ‘cause it wasn’t that long ago when you were basically kissing my ass.”

What the fuck? Okay, hell no. The Kaya I was a year ago may have fallen for this inanity but the present _me_ isn’t going to put up with it.

“You know what, fuck you.” I flout back. “You are way over your head, Harry Styles.”

“Chill out, I’m just saying that—“

“No,” I stop him again, my fingers gripping the phone so hard I think I’ll crush it into pieces. “Done. I’m done. And by the way, when you do find yourself an April, put some Vaseline on your chapped lips because that kiss almost cut my mouth. Yeah? Goodbye.” I take the phone away from my ear and hit the _END_ button, slamming the device on the bed the next.

I catch myself for a second, my hands covering my face to let another series of tears play out.

…

Niall never contacts me. I keep waiting for him to message me, snap me, or call me, but now it’s past New Year’s and I’ve received nothing. He hasn’t added anything on his Snapchat story either—which, clearly, doesn’t help my worries any better. I genuinely think that something has gone wrong in Australia.

If I still don’t get anything by the end of the week, I’m buying myself a plane ticket and flying my ass over there. No kidding.

In the meantime, the birds continue to chirp outside of my window, the wind continues to blow, the hole in my chest continues to deepen, and Niall’s absence continues to swell the part of me that misses him the most. I swear, the world around me continues to live while I’m here, miserably stuck on pause. When will I continue too?

“This Kaya?” Louis finally answers his phone after my fifth try.

“Yeah, it’s me.” I answer, feeling relief in more places than one. “I know we don’t really talk, but I don’t know who else to call.” I shift on the bed and rest my back against the wall, the pictures of Niall and I just above my head.

“Has Niall contacted you? Because I haven’t heard from him for a while and I’m starting to get a little worried.” I explain. I rephrase that in my head, because just a _little_ is a lie. I’m _very_ worried.

Louis hums, “Mmm… no, I haven’t. Honestly, I was about to call you, too. I haven’t talked to him since before last Christmas.”

Shit.

“What does this mean, then?” I say, my hope fading in my voice. “Do you think something’s happened?”

“Well, with that idiot, it could be anything. He could literally just be sitting at home, refusing to talk to anyone.” Louis says in a strangely calm manner. “But don’t go assuming the worst, love. He’s probably just busy.”

I’m about to press on, but Louis adds, “Just give him a little more time and he’ll call you soon, I’m sure. When he’s ready, he’ll call. Alright? Don’t overthink it.”

“Okay,” I surrender although it’s hard. “Thanks, Louis. I guess I just needed someone to tell me that.”

“No problem. Let me know if he calls, yeah?” Louis asks and I promise him that I will. “Bye, wish you the best.”

“Bye.” I hang up the phone, sighing to myself as I find that familiar loneliness once again.

Louis might not be the most dependable guy, but he’s probably right. He’s the only other person who knows Niall as much as I do, so it’s not difficult for me to trust his words. If he says Niall’s just busy, then Niall is probably _just busy._

But with what though? Australian schools have to be on holiday break now too. What could Niall possibly be doing with his free time?

I, for one, know that I need to tell him about the kiss soon, because if I hold it in any longer, I just might explode from the guilt of it all.

…

By Friday, I become literally one click away from purchasing a plane ticket to Sydney. I had chosen the date, my seat, and everything, until my phone finally rings from that one person that it hadn’t heard from in nearly three weeks.

Trust me, when I saw his caller ID on my screen, an inhuman sound screeched from mouth.

I may be on the floor too.

“Hello?” I say when I answer the call, my fingers shaking as I hold the phone.

I have to repeat it twice after I get pure silence in response. Some little voice in my head is also praying for something to come back to me. _It’s been too long, it’s been too long… Please…_

“Princess?”

 _HALLELUJAH!_ A warm energy soars throughout my body and a smile locates on my face. I’ve never missed that voice and that nickname so much in my life.

“Niall? What the hell?” I finally let it out. “Where have you been? Why have you been MIA for basically 200 years?!”

“Baby, I’m sorry.” Niall says, not to mention sweetly and sincerely. “Shit’s been going down in this house and… I… I don’t wanna get into that right now.”

My heart falls and I grow confused. “What?”

“Nothing, nothing.” My boyfriend assures, but I can read that secretive tone in his voice. “Are you by a computer right now? Let’s Skype. I need to see you.”

I gather my melted body off the floor, my legs taking a little more time to find its blood flow since it basically cut short upon hearing his voice. However, once I stand, I rush to my desk and grab ahold of my laptop, jamming my finger on the power button the next. I feel like I’m going to lose Niall again and I don’t want to risk that.

“Got it,” I say to the phone, my shoulder and cheek holding the device to my ear. My hands are too busy booting up the machine.

“Cool, I’ll video call you in a minute then, okay?” Niall asks, and I almost refuse to let him go, but I say _okay_ and he hangs up.

In a hurried and stressed manner, I discard the phone behind me and work on opening Skype on the laptop. It takes longer than usual to load (or maybe that’s just my anxiety) and I grasp the sides of the screen to chant _do it do it you can do it!_ like some kind of fitness coach. I swear to God I’m crazy, but I’m just crazy in love.

Skype makes that iconic sound and Niall’s contact pops up on the screen, waiting for me to accept his call. I waste no time clicking the green button and what comes after that is the epitome of me being a hot mess, I tell you.

My favorite person is staring back at me and I can’t believe it. I haven’t seen him in so long and now that I am, it’s overwhelming.

He’s holding a calm little smile on his now sun kissed face, and it takes me a moment to remember that Australia in December is basically another form of summer. Whenever it’s winter here, they’re literally experiencing the opposite season. It’s insane. It’s like that country refuses to live like the rest of the world, always battling the normality as if they’re on a separate planet altogether.

Anyhow, Niall’s sporting athletic attire from what I can see; a white Nike hat sits on his head and a blue polo clings tightly to his now bulging chest. (What the fuck? I don’t see him for three weeks and he comes back looking like Hercules. Thank you, Australia.)

And my God, although he looks as pretty as ever, there are very dark bags under his eyes and worrisome lines all over his face. I don’t let it show, but my excitement drops below zero and I get the urge to fight whoever’s affected him to this disposition.

“Hi.” Niall waves, his lips folding to a closed smile.

I smile back. “Hi, oh my God, I’ve missed you so much. You have no idea how much I’ve—“ I cut myself off and blink. “Nothing. So, what’s going on?”

My boyfriend quirks his eyebrow, licking his lips and staring at me weirdly. He’s trying to analyze me.

“Uh,” He sputters. “I was just about to go play golf. I’ve grown quite fond of the sport now—“

“No, not that. I mean, that’s nice and all, but I’m asking why I haven’t heard from you in so long.” I start, trying my best not to sound like an over obsessed girlfriend. “You missed Christmas and New Year’s. What’s up with that?”

Niall’s blue eyes lower and his chest heaves up as he exhales a big sigh. A second passes and he still keeps his eyes down. Okay, something’s wrong. There is definitely something wrong.

“Niall?” I catch his attention again.

The blond raises his head and (somewhat) looks at me. “Nothing, baby. Can we ignore that thought for now and just talk?” He leans forward, resting his elbows on his desk.

Now that his face is closer to the camera, I can see his eyes better and I’m not sure I’m happy about it. The cerulean colors in his irises have become empty, absent of the happy and smiley oceans that once swam in them. Even his whole aura is giving off something odd.

It’s funny too, because it’s so strong I can feel it through the glassed barrier between us.

Niall knows that I’ve noticed it, so he voluntarily pulls on a very wide smile and chimes with, “I’ve really missed you,” and it works, because I soften to the chocolaty sweetness in his voice and tell him I missed him too.

“Catch me up on stuff,” Niall continues. “How was Christmas and New Year’s? Did you get what you wished for?”

I open my mouth and feel the air get knocked out of me. I not only asked Santa, I also begged the stars to bring back this one certain person, but all I got in return was endless nights of missing him and crying.

I don’t tell him that though.

“Yeah!” I artificially peal. “Sure. I finally got that Mac laptop I’ve been wanting, it’s what I’m using to talk to you right now, actually.”

Niall puckers his lips as he goes, “Ooh.”

“What about you?” I say.

“Well,” My boyfriend snags the hat off his head and runs his fingers through his hair. And fuck, that’s such a tease because I miss doing the same thing too. “Parents gave me this really nice car, it’s a black Range Rover and—“

I continue listening to him talk as he describes the model of his new car. He even tells me about the cool features it provides, and it sounds so awesome, but I drift off in my head at the same time. The guilt I’d locked away is breaking out of its cage, now that Niall’s right here in front of me, smiling so innocently as he goes on about something he’s truly happy about.

And I can’t do it. I can’t pretend to act like nothing’s happened. I can’t wear this fake smile and feign indifference about the Thing That Should Not Be Mentioned. But alas, it has to be.

Thus, I inhale a very big breath and exhale with, “Niall,”

Obviously, that odd tone in my voice catches him off guard and he trails away with what he was saying. He notices the strange expression that’s now exposed on my face and he instantly knows. I don’t have to tell him that it’s bad because miraculously, he always knows.

“What?” He asks carefully in a whisper. “What’s wrong?”

I gape at him for an unusual amount of time, trying my best to figure out how to say it in a way that won’t hurt him as much as it could. But fuck. How do I say that I kissed somebody that wasn’t him in the nicest way possible? It’s going to hurt either way.

Still, albeit knowing that, I just don’t know if I can bear the thought of hurting him.

“I want you to tell me whatever it is,” Niall tries again when I still don’t speak, “even if it hurts me.”

And _wow._ I really am an open book, aren’t I?

My boyfriend scoots up in his seat and begins to violently bite on his fingertips. Now that action really takes me aback, because there is one thing Niall Horan does when he’s absolutely nervous and he’s doing exactly just that. He’s bracing himself for the worst, I know it.

“Come on, tell me.” He pleas again. I can’t see his legs from this angle, but I know they’re probably shaking.

I grab the edge of my wooden desk and stare at the laptop keyboard. If I’m going to say it, I can’t do it while looking at his face.

“I…” I begin, my eyes betraying me and wandering up to the lit screen. Niall’s patiently waiting.

“Harry kissed me on Christmas Eve, Niall.” I confess, seeing Niall’s face drop with every word. “And I didn’t kiss him back, I swear. He kissed me first and I pushed him away. We don’t even talk now, I haven’t seen him since…” I fade off, realizing that I’ve started to ramble since Niall hasn’t said anything.

I take in Niall’s parted lips, his pupils now lowered to something below his desktop. Then slowly, he leans forward, grabbing the back of his neck to hold it in his bent position. I can’t see his face anymore. He’s facing the side and I can only look at his scalp.

It’s quiet now. The world is too utterly quiet and still.

“Niall?” I mutter even though my heart is in my mouth.

He’s upset and I’m the reason for it. I hate myself.

Finally, Niall lifts his head and rests his elbows on his desk. He folds his hands together and props his chin on his joined fist, his eyes fluttering this way and that until he fixates them back to me.

In that moment, I become so thankful for the oceans that separate us. It’s just, had I looked right into his eyes, I know I would feel every dagger that’s stabbing him at this current moment.

However, I can’t, so I don’t feel it. I can only assume.

“Fucking knew it,” Niall curses, shaking his head. He pushes himself from the desk and leans back in his chair, blowing out through his small o-shaped lips.

Once he returns, he blankly stares at me and I know gears are spinning rapidly in his head. I almost attempt to apologize, but this silence is butchering me into painfully tiny pieces and I can’t do it. I wish Niall would say something more.

If anything, I’d be okay if he so little as released an infinite line of profanities. Anything, just anything.

I’m choking in my own body here.

Niall still doesn’t say anything. Rather, he drops his head and grabs his hair, pulling on the strands so harshly I almost tell him to stop. But I can’t seem to speak; my tongue is caught not by a cat, but by a fucking saber-toothed tiger.

When Niall elevates his head back to me so that I can see his face, I expect him to yell, but he doesn’t.

He blinks at the screen once, and I don’t say anything as he grabs his mouse and I hear a click. A black screen greets me and I stiffen in my seat, refusing to look away from the laptop that’s now dissolved the person I’m not so sure I can call _my boyfriend_ anymore. 


	19. Chapter 19

I go to bed and fall asleep after hours and hours of staring at the black nothings in my eyelids. It was the only thing I could do. I knew Niall was probably angry with me and I could understand that. Although I’d explained that I didn’t even kiss Harry back, I knew that Niall blurred out everything else after he learned the fact that Harry and I _kissed_.

For him, it didn’t matter if it was accidental or if I didn’t kiss back. The only thing running in his mind is that I kissed somebody else. Somebody else that wasn’t him. So I know how much it’s probably hurting him, because had it been me in his shoes, I’d feel my heart bruise up too.

So I understand. And with understanding, I can’t blame him. If he broke up with me, I’d understand that too. It’d just be unfortunate, because I think I’d be lost without him since he’s the only thing understandable in my life. I wouldn’t be able to understand anything else.

I’m not even sure if I make sense anymore. I’ve overthought so much that everything in my brain has become knotted up and thus, indecipherable. Even when I become unconscious, my dreams are encrypted in a black and white format that remind me of Niall.

I can’t escape him. He’s everywhere even when he’s not. I say that too many times but it’s true.

When I wake up and check my phone, Niall is there too. I’m not just talking about my wallpaper of him literally smiling the sunshiniest smile, no. I’m talking about the long text message he’d sent me a few hours ago.

**From Cheesehead:**

**Hey. Sorry I hung up our call earlier today. I know that was nighttime for you and that you’re probably asleep, but it was morning for me so I had time to think it over while I was out practicing golf. I’ve just gotten back now and I’ve figured myself out.**

**I’m sorry I hung up on you. I was just really upset. But I’ve got it now, I know you wouldn’t cheat on me. You said that Harry kissed you first and I trust you on that. And I swear to God it’s taking all of me not to fly there right now and bash his pretty face in. He’ll be ugly if I ever see him.**

**But enough about him. We need to talk about us. What happened to _us_? I told you this long distance thing wouldn’t work. But you never listen to me, do you? And I know you want the best for me, but I don’t think you’d be happy to learn what’s been happening here. And what it’s done to me.**

**It’s pretty bad, baby. I know you’ll throw a fit if I tell you, so I’m not going to just yet. I think it’d be better if it wasn’t over text either.**

**So, anyhow, tell me if you still want to work this out. All you have to do is tell me you still want me and I’ll come back to you. I’m not joking. Just give me the go and I’ll be there.**

**If not, I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t want to love somebody else. I don’t think I’d be able to even if I wanted to. You’re the only girl for me, Kaya Owen. I think about you so much it almost drives me insane. I don’t think you know how deeply in love I am with you but I want you to understand. The amount of love I have for you is enough to let you destroy me and kill me a thousand times over. You have all of me, I swear.**

**Our one year mark together was a few months ago, did you remember? Because I did. We had already stopped talking by that time, so I didn’t think it really mattered. You stopped saying your goodnights and that’s when I knew I’ve lost you.**

**I miss you all the time. I miss your face and your sexy body and just _you_ in general. I miss waking up next to you and kissing you and tickling your stomach. I miss the feeling of your lips and the warmth you bring inside my chest. I’ve gotten entangled in the fabric of your being and I don’t think I ever want to find a way out.**

**And if you tell me not to come back, just remember that what I feel for you is something I’ll never forget.**

**Fuck. That’s probably the longest series of texts you’ve ever gotten in your life and I’m not sorry for it. I didn’t wanna get all cheesy but you’ve nicknamed me that, so I think you like it anyway. I hope I hear from you soon, but I’ll give you time to think this over.**

**Love you.**

Oh my goodness. I stare at my phone screen with trembling hands, my vision already distorted from the tears that have welled up in my eyes. I swear to God, who cut the onions in here? I’m either a sensitive bitch who lives to cry or I just feel too much to not let anything out. Either way, Niall’s to blame and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Well, for now, I need to wipe up my tears so I can think about what to do.

Who knew Niall could compose such sweet and poetic writing? I had no idea, but now I keep reading back at those passages and my heart is warming up. At the same time, I’m not sure what to make out of all of it.

Of course I want him to come back to me, even the Gods and the Heavens know this by now. I’m just conflicted with whatever it is about Australia that he doesn’t seem to want to talk about.

My curiosity almost burns me enough to call him, but. I stop myself. I don’t know what it is, but there are dark voices in my head telling me not to do it. I have to give more time into this. I don’t know exactly why, but that’s what I do anyway.

Besides, Niall’s happy over there, isn’t he? At least I think he is. He’s reconciled with his parents and he’s made a bunch of friends. He even got a Range Rover!

I don’t understand why he would want to give those all up for me. I don’t want him to and I’m not going to let him. I can’t be selfish and take away the things he’s been going without for so many years.

But then, at the same time, the longer he’s away from my reach, the more I feel like I’m dying. I don’t know what to do. If I was smart, I’d call him so we could talk about it and figure it out. I’d tell him what I’m really feeling and he’ll find a solution for the both of us. He always does.

However, I put my phone away and stare at my ceiling. If I call Niall, I’ll completely melt under his voice and tell him to come back. I’ll tell him I love him too, I’ll tell him what he wants to hear, and he’ll catch a plane and leave everything behind. Just for me.

And with that, it’s not enough.

…

I receive an unexpected guest at my door a week later. I had been laying in bed, losing myself amidst chocolates and chick flicks on Netflix. It’s the only thing I’ve been doing besides school, so I’ve probably gained some weight but who cares, right? I don’t. I just don’t know why I’m torturing myself with romantic movies that remind me of Niall.

Speaking of Niall. (Ahem, when am I not speaking about him?)

My mom comes to my door and widens her eyes at the mess that is me on my bed, and says, “Some young boy is at the door,”

“Is it Niall?” is the first thing I think to say, but my mom presses her lips together and shakes her head.

I sigh and regret asking. “I’ll see who it is.”

After successfully dragging myself out of bed, I fix my mussed hair first, and then I drag myself further on down my hallway and to my front door. I stand on my tippy toes to look in the peephole, and upon seeing the person, my lips part to exhale a baffled breath of air.

It’s Louis—as in, _the_ Louis Tomlinson. What’s he doing here?

I immediately open the door and greet a fringe of brown hair, his body adorned with a denim jacket and dark skinny jeans. There are black vans on his feet too. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an outfit that screamed _LOUIS TOMLINSON!_ more than this.

“Hello, pal.” Louis coolly licks his lips, his hands in his pockets.

I continue to stare at him. “Hi…”

“Can I?” Louis motions towards the door and I catch what’s he’s putting down.

“Yeah, of course.”

As I step back, Louis enters the home and observes his surroundings. I shut the door and gesture my hand, telling him to follow me. I take him to the dining room and insist that he takes a seat while I rush to the kitchen to grab us both drinks.

Once I take a seat across from him, I give him a can of pop and he snaps it open.

“Ah,” He breathes out after his first sip of the carbonated beverage. He blinks his eyes at me. “You’re so quiet. You’re probably wondering why I’m here, aye? You’re trying to figure out why a hot and popular man like me is sitting across from you.”

I scoff and flip my hair to my back. “Whatever makes you happy, Louis.” I say, capturing him smile at that. “Niall messaged you, didn’t he? He told you to check up on me.”

Louis pushes his bottom lip against his top one, his eyebrows rising too. He’s impressed.

“You know him well.” He says.

I shrug my shoulder, still maintaining my hard focus on the boy in front of me. I want him to say whatever it is he’s going to say. I’m pretty sure I already know, but I’ll let him say it himself.

“What’s going on?” Louis starts, scooting his chair back so he can lean forward. “He said he confessed to you and you still haven’t given him an answer.”

I swallow down a sip of the pop and put it on the table. The drink fizzes in my throat and I close my eyes to ease the burn. This is why I rarely drink soda.

“I…” I play with my thumbs, feeling Louis’ strong gaze. “I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking and I just… I have mixed feelings. I want him to come back but I also don’t want him to.”

“Why?” Louis says quickly, his lack of hesitation startling me. “Why don’t you want him to come back?”

I slump my shoulders and say, “You know Niall. You’re the one who even told me about his depression when his parents left him. Now he’s with them again and he’s happy. He’s got friends even! Why would I wanna take all that away from him?”

“ _Oh_ , Kaya.” Louis grins and shakes his head.

“What?”

“There’s more to his family than meets the eye, trust me. Niall told me everything last night and I was surprised, but,” Louis sighs, his mouth faltering to a frown. “I kinda saw it coming at the same time.”

Now he’s really got my attention.

“Niall keeps mentioning that but he still hasn’t told me.” I say with disappointment. “What is it? Is it really that bad?”

Louis nods and I look into his eyes more closely. There’s honesty beneath the blues of his irises and what seems to be… is it, sympathy? God, I really need to know what the hell is happening over in Australia. This thing is becoming some kind of deep and dark secret and I want to know what it is.

However, Louis doesn’t comply.

“You should ask him yourself. I think it’s better to hear it from him than me.”

I sigh wearily. “You can’t tell me?”

“Nope.”

“Fine. I’ll call him soon, then.”

Louis’ lips stretch to a grin. He looks disgustingly satisfied. And if he wasn’t Niall’s best friend, I’d fight him for refusing to tell me Niall’s secret when I’m sure he’s just holding it in so I’m _forced_ to finally talk to my boyfriend.

Louis gets up and chugs the rest of his can, putting it down on the table when he finishes.

“Good, then my job here is done.” He palms the table with both of his hands and pierces his eyes down at me. “I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got a ton shit of essays to write. College is fucking work, man. Enjoy high school while you still can.”

I push my chair back and scoff. “I bet.”

Louis already wills himself to my front door, so I trail right behind him on his way there.

Since it’s a little bit of a walk, Louis goes on to advice me like he always does with, “I know that you think you know what’s best for Niall, but I’ve known the idiot for half my life. So I mean it when I say that _you’re_ the best thing that’s ever happened to him.”

“So please,” Louis holds the doorknob, one twist away from opening it. “Tell him to come back. I’ve already told him to, but he’ll only listen to one person.”

I blankly stare at Louis, my mouth trying to make words, but my brain withholding me from doing it.

“Call me if you need anything. I’m counting on you.” He says, before pulling the door open and walking out, leaving me with the same pressuring silence I’d retained when he was in my presence.

It takes me a solid minute to pick up my feet and head to my dining room. I grab the soda cans on the table and throw them away, all the while thinking about what Louis had said. I run it over and over in my head, trying to make sense of whatever the fuck is happening in Australia. I wish I had enough clues to figure it out myself, but. I have nothing to pick from so I can’t even start piecing any puzzle pieces together.

It sucks, because now my conscious is itching me to find out the answer. I want to know and I want to know now.

So with that, I run to my bedroom, my heavy steps thumping on the wooden floor and making my mom yell, “Kaya, walk, don’t run!” from her place in the living room. However, I’m already in my room and grabbing my laptop, throwing it and myself on the bed in my adrenaline rush.

I check the time to make sure Niall’s time zone deemed him free. It’s Saturday morning where he’s at, so I’m hoping that he’s just woken up and hasn’t gone anywhere yet.

Skype displays his icon with a green ball, validating that he is, in fact, online.

A hot breeze blows around my body in my frozen state. It’s odd. There’s no one else he talks to on Skype. He must’ve kept his desktop on all this time, as if he’s just sitting behind his screen, waiting for me to call. It makes me feel terrible. I really hope that he just accidentally left it on.

However, when I call, the other line already answers. And fuck.

Niall’s gaping at me, the bags under his eyes seemingly deeper (if that’s even possible, last time was already bad). He’s shirtless too, but that doesn’t help because I can see how much weight he’s lost and I become suddenly worried. I can even see his cheekbones now, something that didn’t used to be so sharp because of the cute chubs that masked them away.

“Good morning,” I say, trying my best to sound normal.

My boyfriend fakes a small smile. “Hey baby.”

“How are you?” God, I sound so plastic it almost makes me vomit.

He shrugs, his eyes beaming a little. “Fine, fine. How about you? I’m glad you finally called. D’ya get my message I sent a week ago?”

My heart warms at the thought of it.

“Yeah, I did.” I answer through a blushed smile. “It was really sweet. I didn’t think you could get any cheesier, you cheesehead.”

Niall chuckles. “I meant every word I said.”

“Babe,” I say quickly, catching his attention. He raises his eyebrows in his patience.

Now that he’s in front of me, I’ve softened to his person and his _everything_. I knew this would happen, it’s why I’ve been avoiding him all this time. But now, I’m not so hesitant anymore. I’ve had enough time to think everything over. We have to figure this out together because I’m never going to get anywhere dealing with it by myself.

So finally, I answer his text letter with, “I love you, too.”

That sole statement makes Niall’s day. I can tell. His body has lifted, save from the lazy slouch he’d stiffened into minutes prior. There’s also a genuine, glowing smile on his face and his eyes are almost, _almost_ crinkling enough to wash away the darkness floating inside them.

“Kaya,” He breathes.

I shake my head. “I’m sorry I haven’t replied to your message. I just…” I palm my head. “I was conflicted. I didn’t want to take you away from your parents, but I also wanted you to come back. And I still don’t know what to do, to be honest. I just—“

“Kaya!” Niall repeats, this time louder.

I drop my hand and look at the screen.

“This isn’t working out.” He says, his expression falling. My heart tumbles down a cliff in my chest.

What?

“We can’t do this anymore.”

“Niall, I—“

“Listen, I don’t want to be here. It’s taken me away from you. And I,” Niall gasps, showing me his hands. “I miss touching you. I miss everything and I can’t do it. We’re falling apart like this and so am I.”

I bite my lip, using whatever’s left of me not to release my true feelings. “I know, but Niall, you’re with your family! You seem so happy in your pictures and your Snapchat stories with your friends! You didn’t have all that here—“

“It’s all fake!” Niall cuts me off. “All those smiles you saw in my pictures? Those weren’t real.”

“What?” I say, though my breath hitches in my throat.

Niall reaches forward on his desk, his head disappearing as he grabs something. All I see is his chest and the few little hairs that I’ve come to love, until Niall returns to his normal seating position, now with something in his hand. It’s a small orange container with a white top. A prescription bottle.

“Kaya, will you listen to me?” Niall shakes the bottle and I hear the pills jangling inside it. “These are antidepressants.”

Oh. My. Fuck.

Now I’m really breathless.

“Are those for you?” is all I manage to say.

Niall nods, setting the bottle on his desk. He gazes at me with disappointment and it’s all it takes to bring me down. He’s not proud of it, I can tell. And he’s not happy to further explain it to me either.

“I’ve been taking them for months.” He says. Which means he’s been depressed for that long too.

His Adam’s apple protrudes in his throat as he swallows. I know it’s not easy for him, but I need him to continue. I can’t say anything because I might start crying any second. So I need him to go on. He needs to keep talking or I’ll burst into an ocean of the tears that are caught in my eyes.

“My parents were using me.” Niall begins, anger now taking his emotion. “They’ve been fighting for years and they thought that bringing me here would fix them. What the fuck, right?”

What the fuck is right. That’s just downright selfish.

“But I think it’s only getting worse. They fight every day and it’s so loud, even in this big house. _Even_ though I’m upstairs.” He pauses, sighing. “I can hear them screaming, calling each other profanities and throwing glass at the walls. And it scares me, Kaya.” His voices is cracking painfully. “I’m left here to hear it all alone and I can’t take it.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose, the tips of my thumb and forefinger pushing the inner corners of my eyes. I’m trying to block the tears in, but they’re coming and I can’t stop them any longer. My boyfriend is hurting right in front of me and I can’t _not_ let it get to me. _I hate this I hate this I hate this._

It hurts me even more because he doesn’t deserve any of it. He loved his parents so much and this is what they give him in return?

 _Please stop crying_ , I tell Niall and myself in my head. _Please stop crying_.

“I think they’re getting a divorce.” Niall sobs, holding the sides of his head. “And my friends? They’re alright. But I’ve shut them out when all of this started, so we don’t really talk anymore. So that’s gone to shit. Everything has.”

I cover my eyes with both of my hands to try hiding my ugly crying face. “Niall, I’m so sorry…”

“Hey, no, don’t cry.” Niall softens his voice, sniffling in between. “I just wanted you to know the truth. And it’s not your fault either, princess. None of this is.”

“Yes it is!” I snap. “I’m the one who pushed you to leave. I never should have,” I cry. “I wanted you to see your parents, but I was scared too. I’d fallen too hard for you and I was scared you’d stop loving me. So I told you to go, so I could fall out of love with you. But,”

Niall smiles in awe. “But it didn’t work, did it?”

I shake my head. “No, idiot. I can’t unlove you. You’re stuck in my heart and it’s impossible to get you out.”

“Aww, baby.” Niall’s cheeks redden as he bashfully smiles at me. “Why would you worry like that? You really have _got_ to start listening to me. I told you all the time,” He sighs. “I’ll never stop loving you. We’ll always be a part of each other, til’ the grave and even beyond.”

Like I said, I’m a sensitive bitch, so what does that make me do? Cry. I cry like the baby I am.

“God, I miss you so much.” I concede. “I miss your cheesiness and everything else.”

It’s quiet for a long moment, and I think Niall’s video has frozen, but he blinks and I realize that he really is just sitting still. He’s gazing at his screen, gazing at _me_ , and although we’re not physically in front of each other, I know that he’s adoring my features.

“Does that mean you’re telling me to come back?” Niall finally speaks.

I stare back at his screen, letting quiet beats pass in the silence. I rub my eyes so I can see better, my fingers lowering to wipe my damp cheeks as well.

When I look at my boyfriend again, his eyebrows are pinched together in his worry. He’s waiting, torturing himself for my answer. So I don’t let him wait any longer.

“Yes,” I exhale confidently. “Please come back. I need you here and I don’t know how much longer I can take.”

Niall dons a smile and I continue, “And besides, I don’t want you over there anymore. I don’t like what it’s done to you. You’ve already given them a chance and that’s enough for me. It’s enough now, Niall.” I counter. “You’ve done enough and I’m proud of you.”

I gape at my boyfriend, drinking in his features and every distressed detail that aids his body. I don’t like what I’m seeing. He looks so unhealthy and emotionally beaten. I never thought I’d see him like this. And now that I am, I don’t know if I can live knowing I’d technically contributed to it. I don’t even know if I can wrap my head around this whole situation.

“Hey, I know what you’re thinking.” Niall points a scrutinizing finger at me. “And I want you to stop it. None of this is your fault.”

I bite the knuckle of my thumb, nodding to acknowledge what he’d said. I’m also trying my best not to cry again.

“I’m sorry,” I chuckle, wiping a tear that’s managed to escape.

“No, don’t apologize.”

“Alright.” I sniffle. “Hey, you told Louis to come here today, didn’t you?”

Niall widens his eyes. “What? Did he visit you or something?”

I nod.

“Oh. I mean, I talked to him and stuff. We got a little into it and then he said he’d talk to you. I didn’t know he’d _actually_ come to your house.”

“Well,” I shrug. “I’m glad. He kinda talked some sense into me. I owe him one.”

“Ayyy, Lou’s a good one. I’ll buy him a drink or something once I get back,” Niall suddenly pauses and his lips freeze, his whole body stiffening too. Then, he leans forward and beams.

“What?” I ask worriedly.

“Baby,” Niall grabs the sides of his screen, his face way too close to the camera but I don’t care. “It just hit me. I’m coming home!”

I release the weight in my chest and sit back in my office chair. As I smile back at my boyfriend, my heart does a flip and I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier in all of my life.

Niall seems to be feeling the same way.

“I’ll have to talk to my parents and work out something first, and then I’ll book a plane and be on my way. I can’t wait, baby.” Niall bites back his smile. “I’m gonna kiss the fuck out of you when I get there. And then we’ll… well, you know what we’ll do.”

The sneaky grin on his face already says it all. I lower my head and giggle into my hands, my cheeks inflaming in my palms.

“Of course. Orgasm station, right?” I stammer in my bashful state.

Niall weirdly wiggles his eyebrows and licks his lips. “Hell yeah. You know it, baby.”

“God, I love you.” I breathe out. I miss saying that. I miss saying it to him, most of all.

“I love you, too.” Niall says right back, his sweet voice filling every empty hole in my heart. “Always and forever.”

 


	20. Chapter 20

**N**

“I can’t believe you’re going back just because of your girlfriend,” Thomas tells me from his bed.

I shrug, pulling my shoes on as I get ready to leave. “Well you better believe it, ‘cause I am.”

“Will you show me a picture of her?” Thomas inquires as he squeezes a pillow under his head. “You said you would but you still haven’t.”

“I haven’t ‘cause I don’t want another man looking at her, idiot.” I spit back, standing upright and dusting off the front of my jean shorts.

A pillow lunges my way and throws me off balance. I catch it before it lands on the floor, my eyes darting towards a satisfied Thomas with a shit-eating grin on his face. That dick.

“Just show me a picture!” He pleas again.

I groan and launch the pillow back at his face. He fakes an  _ow!_  as I dig my phone from my pocket and turn it on, my screen already displaying Kaya as my wallpaper. It’s one of her in a bikini that I’d taken last summer; there’s a cute smile on her face as her brown hair cascades down her back, her tanned figure leading to her perfectly rounded bottom.

“Fine,” I say, already walking towards Thomas’ bed. I go to my camera roll and locate an innocent picture. I don’t want Thomas seeing Kaya half-naked. That’s only for me to see.

“Here,”

Thomas sits up to look at my phone, squinting his eyes and tilting his head. It’s like he’s carefully examining the picture.

“Oh, wow. She’s… she’s alright.” He remarks, his voice disappointed. “She’s not as hot as you described her though.”

I snag the pillow beside the boy and shove it in his face, pushing it down deeply so that he’ll feel my wrath.

“Piss off, she’s the hottest girl in the world.” I let go of the pillow and step back, gazing at the picture on my phone. “You’re just blind.”

Thomas laughs. “Alright.”

I shake my head, my eyes still fixated on my screen. “I swear to God, I’m gonna marry that girl one day, Thomas.” I lock the phone and put it back in my pocket. “She’s gonna birth my children.”

The brown-haired boy chuckles and looks at me weirdly. “You’re in some deep love, man. It’s kinda cute. I wish you loved me that much.”

I roll my eyes and take my turn to give  _him_  an odd eye. The boy just continues to laugh. He’s got one of those contagious kind of laughs that makes you want to laugh too, so I can’t help it as I also let myself release a chuckle.

With my hands on my hips, I emit a sad sigh as we hum down into seriousness. I look at Thomas for a minute, remembering how much of a great friend he’s been for the past couple of months. We haven’t been friends for long, but I know we would’ve been partners in crime had I stayed in this country longer. I feel kind of sad to let him go.

“Well, I best get going. I gotta go back and pack all my shit.” I step forward and reach for the boy. “I’ll make sure to call you if I ever decide to visit in the future.”

Thomas accepts my side hug and pats my back. He mutters, “Aw, alright. It was really nice knowing you. I hope you do come back soon.”

“Yeah,” I pat him back, and then we let go and I make for his door.

Before I exit, I give him a glance and offer my last smile. He returns it and I leave without another moment to waste.

“Bye Melly!” I shout as I speed down the hallway, passing Thomas’ sister’s room. Her door’s wide open so I know she’d heard me.

I don’t get anything back until I’m at their front door, the last thing I hear being, “Goodbye, ugly!”

I just snicker and close the door behind me, my feet steering me to my Range Rover that’s parked in front of their house. I leap inside the driver’s seat and jab the key into the ignition, a tickling sensation fluctuating in my stomach as I drive away and drown in a wave of nostalgia.

There really aren’t very many memories since I’ve only been here for eight months; however, regardless of that, the little few that I have still shake me up inside. Like the times when Thomas and I played football at our local pitch almost every day, drank away our feelings on Friday nights, and shared some embarrassingly deep conversations over those pints all the same.

I owe the good part of my memories to that lanky living proof of Australian stereotype. I know I’ll even miss when he’d annoyingly go, “Oi, g’day mate! How are ya’ liking it down andah?” while spooning vegemite from its container. I swear he’d even joke about riding a kangaroo into the sunset. I’m going to fucking miss that kid.

Not only that, Thomas introduced me to his group of friends and we all clicked pretty quickly. I’d never known Aussies to be such extremely nice people, but trust me, they are. And when I’d faded out from the group when my parents hit rock bottom, those people were still there, waiting for me with bright smiles and open arms.

Those are the kind of friends you keep close forever. It’s just too bad that I have to leave them behind. They were great, yeah, but they weren’t enough to persuade me to stay.

At the end of the day, I’d go back to my own house and encounter the fallout of the two people I used to love and cherish the most in the world. They’d fight even in my presence, screaming and brawling at each other every hour of every day. I don’t know when it got this bad, but they’d fight over every little thing that didn’t even deserve to be fought about.

I think they held back for the first few months that I was here. They faked enough smiles and held their control just for me, but then I settled in and things exposed themselves for how they really were. That’s nice of them, but. It hurt me even more in the end. They could’ve just been honest from the first day in and I would’ve understood. I would’ve forgiven them and offered some help to find a solution.

But alas, they still fight to this day.

I dread going back into that house whenever I’m not there. I just know that they’ll be somewhere, arguing over their heads and wishing each other to hell. It’s not exactly picture perfect for me. Especially when I used to look up to them like they were mighty Gods, when I’d do anything to make them proud or kiss their asses to keep them happy.

I don’t know those people anymore. I lost them when they got on that plane when I was fifteen, their love and happiness soaring away into the clouds to never be seen ever again.

Going back into that phase in my life really brought me down. I promised myself  _and_  Kaya that I’d never fall into that depression again, but I did. I started to hate myself and the people I used to call  _mom_  and  _dad_. I got those nightmares at night again too; got those late night horrors of silently screaming in my throat and wishing it was all over.

I was just so, so disappointed with the people my parents had become and it devastated me. You take something that you used to have  _such_  high expectations in and shatter it with a hammer and it can really destroy you emotionally.

Life sucks in that way. Something terrible could happen to you but the world wouldn’t care. It doesn’t stop turning for anybody. You either deal with it or you don’t.

And in my position, I already tried. I have no more will left to give.

…

“Please sit down,” I tell my parents when I get home that evening. I had led them to our back patio, fooling them to think that I had something to show them in the backyard.

My mom is the more sensitive one, so she notices the stiff tone in my voice and peers at me closely. She does sit down though. My dad follows after her, taking the seat beside me instead of beside her.

For fuck’s sake. They can’t even breathe next to each other now?

I fold my lips and let the sounds of nature wallow around us. It’s comfortably cool outside right now and I have to take a moment to breathe in the Australian air. I’m going to miss this weather.

“Alright, so,” I finally start, arching my back as I entwine my hands to a fist on the table. I look like I’m about to drop a business deal. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m going back to America.”

My mom sucks in air and my dad sighs.

“What’re you talking about, Ni? Why would you go back there?” My mom speaks, her forehead already creasing in distressed wrinkles.

I look back and forth to the pair as I explain, “Because I’m not happy here. You guys fight every day and it really stresses me out. I can’t handle it anymore.”

“We’ll work it out,” My dad grunts. “Your mom and I just need more time. We’ll be okay again, son.”

I emit a mocking scoff. “You’ve been saying that since last December and you guys haven’t improved at all. How long are you gonna keep playing this game? It’s so obvious that you two have lost your spark. Why don’t you just cut it off already?”

“Niall, you’re too young to understand,” My mom remarks, pinching a nerve in my system.

“I’m nineteen. My brain has almost fully developed.” I deadpan. “And it doesn’t take much to see it. Even a ten year old would tell you the same thing. If you guys ever want to be happy again, please,  _please_  get a divorce and see other people. I just want you to be happy.”

My dad takes another heavy sigh and I give him a death glare for it. He always does that when he’s bothered and it gives me anxiety. The sound just creeps in my skin and leaves an aching sore in my head.

“We’re never going to be that happy, picture perfect family again. It’s gone. Disappeared. Nada. So just let it go, yeah?” I continue. “I won’t be mad with whatever you guys choose to do. I’ll still call and make sure to tell you to come to my future wedding or visit my children and all that other important stuff.”

“So this is about your girlfriend?” My dad starts.

I squeeze my eyes together and wish I could jump into a volcano of burning lava. That’s all he got out of everything I’ve just said?

I turn my head to meet his eyes. “She’s why I’m going back to Cali, yeah. I told you guys before I left that I loved her, didn’t I? And I meant it. I still love her and I miss her all the time. I need  _her_  more than she needs  _me_.”

“Niall,” My mom catches my attention and I switch my perception back to her. She seems like she’s about to lecture me about young puppy love so I interject, but she talks over me and takes me aback.

“You can go. If you love her that much, you should go back to her. What you two have is special and I don’t want you to lose it.” She says, her eyes slowly wandering to my dad. “We used to have that, too. But you’re right. We don’t have it anymore.”

“Yeah,” is all my dad says to that. My mom’s gaping at him, waiting for him to look at her, but all he does is stare at the air in front of him. It’s saddening.

I nod my head and lean back. “So that settles it, then. I’m gonna book a plane in the next week and fly back.” No one says anything and it makes me remember things I need to go over. “Oh! You don’t have to send me money anymore. I’ll get a job and live on my own income. I can’t depend on you guys forever, so—“

“Keep the house and the Escalade.” My dad interjects. “At least let us let you go without worrying about how you’re living. And besides, we don’t need those things anyway. The house has technically been yours for years.”

Unfortunately. I lived in that four room house all by myself since I was fifteen. By myself and nobody else.

My mom nods from her seat to put in her agreement. I keep quiet and don’t make the effort to fight them about it. If they want to give those to me, then so be it. I’m just glad they’re actually listening to me and making a compromise. I’m good enough with this.

For half an hour or for at least the amount of time it takes for the sun to set, I sit with my parents out there and enjoy the last moments of our serenity. They don’t talk to each other, but they’re not screaming so I’m okay. We actually just sit there silently, watching the clouds dissolve in the sky and the moon drifting to its wake.

It’s nice and calming, and I drink in the togetherness of it all with a bittersweet sensation in my stomach. This is the family that used to be, the family that used to laugh with pure elation as we came home from a trip to the movies. It’s never going to be like that again.

So for now, I’m just going to sit here and take in the last of what I can get.

…

It’s such a hassle to pack all my stuff again. When I did it last time, I had put my crap into boxes and shipped them over through the mail. The only thing I took with me on the plane was a huge suitcase of whatever clothes I could fit inside.

Now I have to ship everything back again, have to haul a suitcase around the airport, and put myself on another draining 17-hour flight.

What a déjà vu. I feel like I’m some kind of object that’s being imported from country to country. I guess the only thing keeping me going is the destination when it’s all over. The person waiting for me when I arrive. God, I can’t wait to see her again.

My room is back to being bare. The only things now are the bed, the TV, and the dresser. Just like how it was when I’d first moved in. Through the time I was here, I never decorated the room or made it fit to my personality because I never felt comfortable in it anyway.

I’d spent too many dark nights in here, playing my TV at a high volume or turning my fan on to block out my parents’ loud shouting downstairs. They were at their worse last Christmas, and I became so angry and frustrated that I locked myself in that room for days. I refused to talk to anyone. Not even Kaya or Louis.

I can’t even remember it. I’d blacked out and wasn’t really there. I mean, I was awake and conscious, but I wasn’t exactly…  _there._

So, just for the hell of it, I stare at the bedroom and take in the spaces that I’d filled with my misery. This room deserved better than what I did in it. It deserved good memories rather than my cursed words and agony. Now it’s going back to being empty once I leave. Either that, or my parents will turn it into a storage room or something.

That is, if they decide to stay together. I really hope not. Like, I do believe that they can be happy again, but just… not with each other.

Anyway, I’ve packed everything and I’m ready to go. I just need to tape the boxes, zip up my suitcase, and wait for the day that my plane takes off. Which, unfortunately, is four days from now. I’d tried to get an earlier date, but nothing else was available.

So. I jump into bed and grab my phone from its charger, promptly calling my girlfriend so we can talk and I can put her to sleep.

(And, perhaps, help each other get off if she feels like it. Ha.)

…

When the day finally comes, my parents drive me to the airport and I say goodbye to them at the entrance of the huge building. I’d rather not have them walk inside with me, I just want to be able to leisurely walk to my terminal on my own. I also figure it’s easier to separate this way.

Albeit that, it’s still a little hard. I’m the one flying away this time, instead of the other way around.

My mom hugs me the longest. I reassure her that I’ll see her again soon and that she can even call me whenever she wants. As for my dad, he blesses me and wishes me luck for my future. He rubs my back and even gives me an envelope filled with money.

I decline it, but he forces it on to me as he says, “It’s the last one, so just take it. After that, you’re all on your own. But if you ever need anything, you know you can just ask. Alright?”

Because of that, I let out a tear and accept the offering. My parents may not have been great at  _being parents_ , but they’re still pretty cool in their own ways nonetheless. So I tell them I love them and hug them again before I walk away.

I can feel them watching me go. They’re probably holding themselves back from stopping me, but.

There’s a certain weight being lifted off my shoulders as I continue to stalk farther away. I realize what it is once I’m inside the glassed doors, when I can’t physically see my parents behind me anymore. It’s relief. I’d finally closed that wavering hole they’d drilled inside me for the past four years. There’s no more wondering, no more expecting, no more anything.

They’ve become finished business and I can breathe again. What a feeling.

It takes me a big exhale to soak it in, but I proceed on my way after that. I need to go through all this security and customs shit again and I’m not looking forward to it. The lines are always dreadfully long and there’s  _always_  that one person who holds everybody up because they’ve got some prohibited liquid in their luggage. And I just really, really want to get home.

But alas, it takes work to get your reward, so I have to suffer through it.

Once I’m on the plane, it isn’t as bad anymore. Well, I mean, the first five hours. I watch a few movies on the small TV installed on the chair in front of me, eat the lunch food the airline provides, and catch a shut eye thereafter.

That’s only five hours though. I don’t know how I survived the flight last time, because now I’m bored as fuck and I don’t know what to do. I keep staring at the people around me, trying to observe their features and make out their background stories. They catch me sometimes and I just look down at my lap and pretend I’m snoozing.

Then ten hours into it, I do actually fall asleep and that helps pass a lot of the time. Turbulence wakes me up at hour fifteen and I make sure my seatbelt is securely fastened. I’ve watched a lot of stuff about planes crashing so it doesn’t help the creeps crawling up the back of my neck.

Thanks for that,  _LOST_.

At the last hour, I switch my TV to the map that shows where our plane is currently flying. I literally watch that for a whole sixty minutes, my eyes never leaving the cartoon plane as it slowly and painfully hovers over California.

And once it reaches Sacramento, I swear a mini celebration breaks out in my head. With the colorful confetti and everything. No one around me would know though. I’m just calmly sitting in my seat with a foolish smile plastered on my face.

As soon as the wheels of the plane are touching the ground and were zooming down the runway, I take out my phone and wait for a signal. I don’t actually get it until the plane parks, but it’s whatever. A text message from Kaya comes in and I realize she’d sent it an hour ago.

**From: Princess K**

**Louis and I are here. We’ll be right at your terminal when you walk in. Can’t wait to see you :)**

My smile grows wider as I type back a reply.

**To: Princess K**

**just landed. see you soon xxx**

I put my phone away and brace myself for what’s coming. It hadn’t really hit me on the flight, but now I’m actually here and I can’t believe it. I haven’t seen my favorite girl in almost a year and now I’m less than a couple thousand feet from where she’s probably standing. There are jitters in my body and my hands are sweating.

Excitement is an understatement. Oh, and also add on the nerves in my stomach.

Wait. Those are butterflies.

Fuck.

The people in front of me are taking their sweet time and I’m almost at the edge of my patience. We’re all standing around with our suitcases, cramped in the corridors of the plane as we wait to move.

Every few minutes, we painstakingly inch forward and I try my best to understand. Some people are still grabbing their shit from the overhead compartments or simply waking up.

But fuck! They need to move their asses or I’m going to have a nasty breakdown. I can get claustrophobic sometimes and I’m already feeling the tight pressure building in.

“Thank you for choosing Australian Airlines,” An announcer voice chimes over our heads, “welcome to California. The time is 11:38 PM. We hope you enjoy your stay.”

That must’ve been the official push to make everyone go, because the line is finally moving on a constant flow and the exit is becoming closer and closer.

A flight attendant bids us goodbye at the end of it and I almost want to hug her because of how happy I am, but. I keep walking, reaching the way out into a tunneled hall.

Again, déjà vu. I’d walked this same kind of hall when I left last time, and I had bad vibes running in my system because of how sad it was. I shake the remembrance away though. I make myself think about Kaya instead, about how she’s probably trying to wait as calmly as she can, but then she can’t, so Louis has to scold her to keep her quiet. I inwardly giggle at the thought.

She doesn’t have to wait any longer. In less than 60 seconds, I’ll be entering the airport and arriving at my terminal gate.

It’s a rush right now, the people who’d ridden with me are speeding just as fast, as if they have family or loved ones they also can’t wait to see. The wheels on their suitcases and their cell phones ringing and their chattering are loud, but there’s another sense of noise in my ears. It’s a sort of fast drumming, the same thump-thump-thump that’s thundering in my chest.

It becomes louder when I step into the airport, my vision becoming a fast blur around me as I pan the crowd for her familiar face. There’s too many people rushing this way and that, too many faces merging into each other as I continue looking. It’s like everyone’s spinning, their voices fading into nothing and everything, all at once and none at all.

Right. We’re in the 21st century. I quickly unlock my phone and call her number, the first ring barely completing its round before she answers.

“Hello?”

The world becomes background noise and all my ears focus on is her voice. No more whirring of the airplanes, no more chatter, no more footsteps.

“I’m here. Where are you?” I answer, still whirling my head as I look around the room.

“Oh, shit.” She gasps. “Louis, he said he’s here. Help me look for hi—“ Her voice stops too suddenly and I become worried.

“Princess?” I emit.

I don’t know what it is, but I feel something strange on the back of my head. So I hastily spin around, my eyes taking time to readjust to the new image as I shoot my focus forward.

While a business man passes by, he leaves two figures in his trail; two figures who are the same height, one girl and one boy; my girlfriend and my best friend, one with tears in her eyes and one with a stupid grin on his face.

My eyes revert to Kaya and I leave them there. The phone is still up to her ear and she’s frozen like that, just standing there, staring at me. I put my device back to my ear and begin to stride towards them.

“Kaya Owen, please take a deep breath.” I request on the phone. “You’re gonna collapse just staring at me like that, you know that?”

“ _Oh_ , Niall Horan. You idiot.” As she says her last word, she smacks the phone into Louis’ chest and runs my way, bursting into tears and smiling simultaneously.

I release the handle of my suitcase just as she collides into me, her small body already fitting into mine and my heart leaping against her face that rests on my chest. My arms envelop around her, squeezing her person that’s now climbed on top of me, her legs around my waist and my hands underneath her thighs to keep her up.

“Jesus, woman!” I tease as she hangs onto me.

She just laughs in my ear, her arms now tightly clung around my neck. Of course I let her squeeze me, let her continue crying and laughing at the same time.

And it’s nice. Like the nicest nice  _nice_  can ever be described. The sounds combined together, filled with my own, are enough to lift the air around me and make me feel like I’m being reborn. I could smile for a hundred years just for this one moment. I swear, I’ve never been happier than this, than right now. I’m holding my home again and I don’t want to ever let her go.

This time, I don’t have to. I’m not going anywhere, I’m here now and I’m here to stay. Forever until the end.

“Alright, I know I always do this, but I gotta ruin your movie moment.” Louis peeps his head between Kaya and I. “It’s midnight and I’m tired as fuck. I’d love to catch up with you, Nialler, but we’re gonna have to save it for later.”

Through shy giggles, Kaya jumps off of me but doesn’t detach herself from my body. I’m glad, ‘cause I wouldn’t have let her anyway.

“Fine. When did you become so lame, Lou? It’s only 12.” I tease the shorter boy.

“I have a lecture in the morning, kid!” Louis’ voice rises to a higher pitch. He really means it. “Either I drive you guys home right now or I leave you here. It’s your choice.”

I quickly grab Kaya and cuddle myself into her again, muttering through a baby voice, “But I’m already home.”

Louis curses and picks up his feet, proceeding to walk away as he shakes his head. I let out a stifle of laughter, grabbing Kaya’s hand and my suitcase as we catch up with the boy who’s already halfway to the exit doors.

“I was just kidding, Tommo!” I shout at the boy’s back.

Louis continues walking, waving me off as he goes, “Oh, yeah yeah! Whatever, Romeo.”

…

Louis drives both Kaya and I to my house, and I thank him for basically everything. I probably wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. He did help Kaya realize that she was still pathetically in love with me, so.

That guy is officially my best man if—ahem— _when_ that time comes. Because who am I kidding? I’m going to fucking marry this woman.

We thank Louis again before he drives off, leaving Kaya and I and my suitcase in front of my house. I have to take a moment to scan my surroundings, for I hadn’t seen this neighborhood or felt the comfort that it gave me when I was living here. I really don’t belong anywhere else but this place, and I hate myself for only realizing that when I’d left it.

“We’re home.” Kaya flutters her brown eyes at me, capturing my attention back to reality. “Are you tired? We can settle everything tomorrow morning. I know you’re probably jet lagged and—“

“Are you kidding?” I cut her off, about to explain that I’m  _far_  from even wanting to sleep. It’s daytime in Australia so I’m definitely ready for anything.

But then, I notice how half-lidded her eyes are, how she keeps yawning and fidgeting to keep herself awake. It  _is_  after midnight in this time zone after all. She probably hadn’t slept much because of how excited she’d been for my arrival. I know her well enough.

“You know what?” I take her hand and nod. “Yeah. Let’s go to bed. We can sort everything tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

I leave my suitcase in my doorway and neglect it for the night. I don’t even turn the lights on in the house yet. I’m sure it’s fairly collected its own share of dust since I’ve been gone, but it doesn’t smell that bad right now, if I’m being honest.

From the small cracks of light that the moon gives in, the furniture’s still as shiny as anything too. Huh.

Even my bed’s made. The duvet still lays on top of the carefully strewn sheets and the pillows are resting on the headboard. And as Kaya relieves herself in the bathroom, I palm the center of the bed and I just know. Someone’s been living in this house while I was gone.

It doesn’t have that  _I’ve been gone for a year away_  feeling. Instead, it’s  _someone’s been waiting for me here._ And no one else has had the key except for that one person.

So. Once Kaya’s in bed and I’ve climbed under the covers with her, I hold her against me just like how I used to. My arm goes around her back to keep her close to me, her face nuzzled beside mine as she kisses my cheek and tells me how much she’s missed me.

I give myself the pleasure of running my fingers through her soft brown hair again, the familiar smell of her strawberry shampoo already delighting my nostrils.

“Kaya,” I whisper as my hand stops at the cup of her shoulder, rubbing it slow and gentle. “How many nights did you lay on this bed without me?”

“I—“ She exhales, her lips opened as she attempts to find an answer.

“Tell me, please. How many nights did you spend alone, thinking about me and what I was doing not laying here next to you?”

Finally, she relaxes her expression and gives a small smile. “A lot, Niall. I spent a lot of lonely nights here. And I’m sorry. I missed you so much I couldn’t help it. I’d always break in to your house and pretend you’d come out of the bathroom to join me in bed or watch TV with me again in your living room.”

“And at night, I’d cry myself to sleep. We had stopped talking and I thought you didn’t love me anymore. You stopped saying you loved me over the phone. We didn’t even talk for weeks at a time. I knew we were fading, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you—although, by that time, I already had.”

I shift in bed, laying on my left arm as I grab her cheeks with both of my hands. “Stop,” I demand.

“You never lost me.” I say, locking her eyes with mine so she’ll really listen. “I’m here now, aren’t I? I’m here and I love you and I always will. You know that. I was just in a bad place for a while but it’s all over now. I settled everything with my parents. So I’m not gonna go anywhere ever again. I’m here, until I die or until you get tired of me. Okay?”

Kaya slowly nods, smiling with a certain glint that brightens her eyes. The moonlight is hitting her perfectly again, reflecting off her pupils from the only window in my room.

I’m not the only one in love with her, it seems. The moon is trying to paint her with his beauty and I am absolutely okay with that. He’s the only other man I’ll share her with, ever.

Caught with another drunken moment, I bring my face forward and pull her against me, arresting her lips and taking her breath away. I kiss her harshly but she kisses back with as much passion, molding her mouth with mine to tell me exactly how many nights she’d spent wishing she had never let me go.

And when we’ve had our fill for the night, after we’d kissed enough to bruise our lips and talked through the dark shadows, she falls asleep on that same spot on my chest that she always does, and I lay awake to count how many more nights I’ll spend with my arms around her.

As long as I’m with her, I’m the happiest I could ever be. There’s no one else in the world who brings as much warmth as she does just by smiling at me. And sure, she’s given me pain too, but it’s something we, as humans, have to feel to be able to enjoy the good things in life. We’ll even have our fights every now and then, but we’ll always come back from them.

Love is magical, powerful, and deadly in that way, but. If it’s real, we will always find a way back to each other.

To the girl whom my heart belongs to, I will always be there for you and I’m always,  _always_ yours.

 _END_  


	21. Epilogue

I fell in love with Niall through the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore, through the laughter we shared while chasing each other in his house, and through the music of four particular Australian voices.

And when I did, I loved him with all that I had. I loved him in darkness and light; I loved him in the warmth of summer and the chill of winter; in heartache and joy; from the beginning and until whenever the end comes. I loved him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone before or ever will. The amount of every little miniscule love I had for him was to the very point of suffocation.

Loved—love. I love him as much as the oceans and the sand beneath them.

He knows this, I know he does. He feels the same way too, if not more. I wish I could love him more than he did me, but the amount he holds is far, far, farther than the Earth and the planets beyond.

How can he do that? I already love him with everything I have. His heart must be bigger than mine.

That must be the abstract concept I’d described at the beginning of this. The very significant thing that I’ve tried so hard to figure out about him. I’m not sure if it’s that—if it’s the amount of love he can hold—but there’s something extremely important about that significant thing, and I have to make sure that it’s protected at all costs.

Therefore, I must love Niall Horan forever. Not that I mind doing that, because hell, it’s a privilege and a pleasure. Plus, it keeps me happy, so. It’s a win-win situation. I keep loving him and thus, at the same time, I protect the thing that must be protected.

“I’m gonna have you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” Niall tells me in the wake of morning. “And for dessert, too. A four course meal.”

I try on a sly grin, gazing at him and his whole—albeit obscene—aesthetic. I think, _yup, definitely must be protected._

“You are one, unique man, Niall Horan.” I say back. “What even are you? I swear you’re sex on a pair of legs. And I don’t mean just how hot you are, but literally _sex_.”

“Because I always talk about it?” He contends.

I fold my lips together and nod.

“Dunno. Can you blame me? We haven’t done anything in eight months. My _dick_ hasn’t fucked in eight months. I feel bad for the guy.” He explains, but I still don’t take it.

A hand slithers on the small of my back, slowly guiding himself down my waist and to the crook before my bottom.

It sends a tingle to my skin as his lips barely touch my ear. “Don’t you?” He mutters inside it.

I turn my head and look at him for a moment, taking in the smirk on his face and the determination he carries with it.

“Yeah, I really fucking feel it.” I reply in the midst of pulling him towards me, his hands already drawing the covers over us to hide our next dirty scene from plain sight.

And that, right there, is one more thing to add on the list. That’s another bonus I receive from loving him, and let me tell you, it was a truly and utterly fantastic day. And night. It carried through the night as well, excuse me.

No one can really blame us though. We haven’t been together in so long and that was one thing we couldn’t do over the phone. I mean, we did have our naughty phone calls and video chats, but. Still not the same.

There’s a lot that can be said through sincere, physical touching, and Niall and I had an _abundance_ of things to say.

Anyway, besides all the adult stuff, Niall and I were still high schoolers and we had to finish _that._ We had two more months left of Senior year and I had to refocus on keeping my grades up. It was really difficult since Niall was back though. I had to fit him in between my studying and college stressing.

Speaking of college, Niall and I eventually had that talk about the future. It was a topic I didn’t want to face although I knew it’d come one day, and it did.

As serious as we were about one another, the future was something we had to figure out together. And since we were two different people with two different goals, working it out composed of misunderstandings and some, well, regretful yelling.

Eventually, Niall and I worked it out like we always did. He agreed on attending Sacramento State with me, as I’d realized that I wanted to take their program in Interior Design. Niall’s still not sure what he wants to do, but he figured he’d take basic classes for the time being. He’ll find his true calling sooner or later. I believe in him.

Not to mention, Louis has been going to that college too. Niall can be with his best friend _and_ me. It couldn’t have worked any better. I just have to make sure that Louis doesn’t drag Niall to too many of those frat parties, because who knows what virulent outcomes those will cook up? College parties are going to be the bane of my existence.

Unfortunately, Cady’s following Liam to UCLA since he got a scholarship in football. We had a whole celebration about it, and although I won’t get to see Cady as easily anymore, we promised we’d make the best of it in the summer.

It’s not like she’s going to be across the country anyway, she’ll only be a couple hours away. So I’m perfectly fine with this for now.

And hey, Zayn had come to that celebration dinner too. I think Liam’s finally easing up to him again, so that’s good. It’ll take them a while to get back to that level of friendship they used to have, but. They’ll get it back. I know they will.

Since Niall was gone for most of Senior year, he’d missed everything but got back in time for that one, very traditional high school occasion. It was something I didn’t even have the time to think about since I’d been too busy with my head in my studies and being heartbroken about Niall’s absence, so. I was totally not expecting it when he’d asked me.

It was an average Thursday morning, Niall had been back from Australia for at least two weeks, and we had planned to meet up before going into first period. Cady had driven me to school and now that I look back it, she was probably in it too. She had been all giggly and suspicious the whole ride to school. At that time, I just thought it was the Frappe she’d gotten from Starbucks. I had no clue.

Therefore, when we’d arrived at school and I saw the line of my classmates starting at the entrance and ending who knows where, I was completely taken aback. Why? Not only were they in a line, they each had a rose in their hand that they gave to me as I followed the path of people, one by one.

By the time I was in the middle of the school, I had enough roses to fill three bouquets. My face was also the tint of a firetruck and I couldn’t suppress the amount of astonishment on my face. I knew Niall Horan was cheesy, but after this act, he was officially the king of All Things Cheesy, Romantic, and Corny.

You couldn’t see it on my foolish face, but I was blessing myself for being so lucky to have won such a man.

I was still blushing like Anastasia Steele on every page of _Fifty Shades of Grey_ as I continued to follow the line of people that seemed to be never ending (most of them were telling me how cute this was and it only made me more flustered). And I had almost enough roses to make another bouquet when it finally led to my first hour class, with none other than Niall Horan himself at the end of it, a sign in one hand and an actual bouquet of roses in the other.

His sign read, _PROM?_ in big, bold red letters, and I, of course, said _yes_ when I’d reached him and crashed into his open arms. The whole school was right there all around us, clapping and aww-ing and whistling. It was the best thing Niall had ever done and I was crying as he kept hugging me and thanking everyone for being a part of it.

I was the happiest I’d been in my life, and I was even happier when I walked into prom night with Niall at my side; me in a long, sparkly blue dress and him in the hottest tux he’d ever so blessed my eyes with.

It was a truly, fantastic night. We’d taken the cliché pictures under the balloon arch and everything, also add on the slow dancing to Ed Sheeran’s _Photograph_ under the disco ball _._ Oh! And the sex when we got home really put the icing on the cake too. But that’s something we don’t need to get into.

That had all happened a month ago, and now we’ve graduated (Niall miraculously did) and I’m standing in front of my wall of pictures; reminiscing on last summer’s road trip, now that it’s the beginning of another summer a year later.

I kind of want to cry looking back at all of it, since it was such a great summer that led to fun adventures and my dramatic heartbreak. I can only laugh about it now.

From our waterfall make out session in Dunsmuir, where we also—ahem—made love for the very first time; to Santa Monica, where Niall had his first jealous tantrum; to Los Angeles, where I was treated to a royal dinner and steamy, intense sex; and to San Francisco and Fresno and all the other cities in between.

Niall and I really made our own marks in California and we couldn’t have shared them with a better state in all of America.

“Princess! Where’s my razor? I got my clothes and shit packed, but I can’t find my razor?” Niall enters my room then, his red backpack already strapped on his shoulders and ready to go.

I blink at the pictures one last time before I turn to him, his sudden presence already entrancing my vision. “Uhh,” I point to my open door. “I think you left it in my bathroom last weekend,”

“Alright, cool.” He speeds out of the room before I even have the chance to stutter another word.

Therefore, I take a deep breath and let it out as I return to my closet to choose more outfits. I don’t get to pick up a hanger though, because my doorbell rings in the next second and voices are already filling the house. I hear Cady and Liam, each of their own footsteps and chatter getting closer and closer.

“WHO’S READY TO GO TO DISNEYLAND???” Liam shouts into the hallway, completely startling me and making me drop my hanger. God, how loud can he be?

The couple both enter my room, backpacks also strongly hanging on their backs and Mickey Mouse ears already on their heads. They look like a pair of tourists, an old fashioned pair as a matter of fact. Cady’s got a digital camera hanging off her neck and Liam’s hoisting a big, red ice cooler.

I burst into laughter upon seeing them, my hands having to palm my stomach to get myself together.

“What even are you guys?” I ask as their faces drop to blank emotions. “We still have to drive, like, seven hours to get to Anaheim. We’re not gonna make it to Disneyland until tomorrow morning.”

“Oh,” The couple say in unison.

“It’s alright. At least you guys got here in time. We’ll be leaving in a few minutes.” I say through pitiful chuckles.

Cady drops a _fine_ and Liam groans _whatever_. They’re both _just excited to go on a road trip_ , they mumble.

I finally zip up my bag, closing in everything I think I’ll need for the trip. The bag’s a little bigger and heavier since the last time, since now I’m basically an experienced Road Tripper and I know what’s what and what. I even packed a bottle of sunscreen and bug repellent this time. Those were two things Niall and I had to learn not to forget.

Once Niall’s found his razor and we’ve checked to make sure we got everything, I say goodbye to my mom and follow my friends to Niall’s white Escalade. Liam takes shotgun with Niall as the driver, and I get comfortable in the back with Cady and—oh wait, fuck.

We forgot someone.

Niall and Liam twist in their seats to look at us, their eyes bulging as they realize it too.

“Where’s Louis?” Niall’s the first to ask what everyone’s thinking.

Cady gasps beside me and I palm my cheeks with both of my hands.

“How could we forget Louis Tomlinson?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and I hope that you enjoyed it. Tweet me and let me know? My username is the same as here. Thanks thanks thanks.


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